heartbroken

aprilwashere256 · 01-12-2009, 10:16 PM

We found out we were having a baby on Dec 30th. It was a surprise and we were overjoyed. We'd tried for so long. I went in for an ultrasound on Jan 6, everything was fine. We got to see the baby and saw the heartbeat on the screen. It was amazing.

On Jan 8 I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. We were baby shopping when it started. I just remember bleeding and being in pain. My husband took me to the ER, he had to find a nurse because nobody was at the front desk. The medical staff just left us in a room alone for 5 hours periodically walking in and taking my BP. I was in so much pain, I didn't even realize it was labor pains.. I was so scared and I couldn't stop crying. My husband felt so helpless but he stayed by my side the entire time. Once the doctor finally came in (after it was all over) he just patted my knee and said "well, we don't know why it happened, one in five pregnancies end this way. I'm sorry" and walked out. I just started bawling. They gave me a lortab and sent me home.

I feel so cheated. I never thought once that we might lose the baby.. and walking out of the hospital with empty arms felt so wrong. Even now I'm having a hard time accepting what happened. It feels like a dream gone bad. I cry every day and I'm having trouble sleeping. I barely had time to get used to the idea that I was pregnant before it was all over.

I'm trying to find some way of getting closure to this. We both need it. I've been thinking about some type of memorial, but I'm just lost.

AnotherDreamer · 01-12-2009, 10:47 PM

I'm so very sorry for your loss. It does feel like the rug was ripped right out from under your feet, and no one ever seems to warn woman about the kind of physical pain involved with the emotional. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, and I am sorry for your loss.

It will get easier with time, but you will never get over it. But, in time you will be able to accept it. Big (*HUGS*)

DiamondInTheRough · 01-13-2009, 01:29 AM

I'm so sorry. That's horrible about the hospital staff being so cold to you, but I'm glad you had your husband there.

Time will make it easier to deal with, but for the here & now, surround yourself with people who are supportive and care about your well-being.

Lnamreep · 01-13-2009, 01:50 AM

I miscarried on December 23rd at 5.5 weeks and can identify with what you are going through.

Sleep won't claim you even though you wish you could just sleep through all this pain. It is never far from your mind and you cannot figure out why.

The TTC journey is so difficult to begin with...why once you have become pregnant must it be taken away.

I have not found the answers and still constantly obsess about the miscarriage and getting pregnant again.

The only thing I can say is that the tears do finally dry and sleep finally comes, but I have yet to find peace of mind.

You are in my thoughts/

aprilwashere256 · 01-13-2009, 03:06 PM

Thanks for the kind words. I feel like I am moving around in a fog and there's no sign of it lifting. Today I visit the doctor to see if a d&c is necessary. It is hard to move on when there's something else happening.

khenders · 01-14-2009, 04:23 PM

so sorry for your loss. m/c is so painful no matter how many times you have had them. follow your heart about a memorial service or something. i just try not to buy baby stuff until the baby is capable of living outside of the body, but that is me due to my aweful m/c history. treat yourself!

aprilwashere256 · 01-14-2009, 10:09 PM

My doc has now put me on xanax to help me sleep and I'm back on wellbutrin but I am starting to think I may need something to go with it.

One of my friends is having her baby today and I can't bring myself to be very happy for her. That makes me feel worse. Right now I'm just spending most of my day staring at the tv or just playing some video game that doesn't require much thinking. =(

mom2jamie · 01-15-2009, 01:40 AM

So sorry for your loss

PCOSDC · 01-15-2009, 03:42 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss. It will get better but you will never be the same. There is nothing harder than losing a child no matter how long you had that child with you. I just ordered a really nice necklace after my latest loss (Jan 2nd) It's called Baby in My Heart and it can be found on www.miscarriagememories.com I haven't recieved it yet but I know I will cherish it.

khenders · 01-15-2009, 06:14 PM

kristy: you are totally right, after a m/c you are never the same. i find myself thinking of my angels often and when i am near their gravesite attempt to visit them. dh and i had a few drinks last night and i got really depressed and just boo hooed over this whole m/c and ttc thing.

PCOSDC · 01-15-2009, 06:31 PM

Keva: I cry at random times. Quite often when I'm alone I think about my babies and I cry. I have a framed u/s pic of our last baby on my dresser so it's the last think I see before bed and the first thing I see when I wake up!

aprilwashere256 · 01-15-2009, 09:59 PM

I framed our ultrasound picture. I have it put away right now at my husband's request. He can't talk about it yet. But I get it out a few times a day.