Help with DH's concerns

jnmanderson · 06-30-2005, 02:23 PM

Hi -

I have a question and hoping that someone else might have experienced this and help me out a bit. DH and I have been TTC for about 14 months now; I'm tired and ready to give up. For me personally being a mom is much more important than having a biological child or one that looks like me. Even if we do the adoption option it won't be for a few years as we would need to save up money.

Here's my dilemma - DH is a GREAT man and I know he is going to be GREAT dad. This whole TTC process has been rough on both of us (as I know that you can all relate to) as we just though it would be so easy to get pg. So last night we were talking about how much longer we will see and RE and if we stop seeing them what are options are. DH is open to adoption but there are 2 things that are bothering him and here is where I was wondering if someone else has ever been here. (We want to do domestic adoption)

1. DH is concerned that we would get a baby and then the parents would come back months later and want it back. What is the time limit that a biological parent has to come back and take the baby back if any? Also is this a common thing?

2. DH is concerned that the baby won't look like us... you know he imagines having a baby with my nose, his eyes, etc. He's afarid that because of that he will have a harder time loving it.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated!!

strawberree · 06-30-2005, 06:03 PM

i think those are pretty common concerns everyone deals with in some way.
#1. the amount of time that the birth mom has to change her mind depends on what state you live in.. i live in Ohio and i think its 6 months (main reason we are going international.. i cant image giving a child back

Darlene123 · 06-30-2005, 06:07 PM

Love is not whether the child looks like you or is biologically your's... its about the bonding, the moment he has that baby in his arms and begins emotional attachment... everything else just doesnt matter anymore...

jnmanderson · 06-30-2005, 06:25 PM

Thanks for the responses ladies!

I definitely agree with you Darlene about the bonding. I know that DH would love the child and would bond with it very quickly. I think it is just getting over that hurtle in his mind.

You girls will probably laugh at this but I tried to explain it to him about when we "adopted" our cats.... when we 1st brought our kitten home we took her to the vet to get checked out (we had only had her 4 days) and they thought there was something wrong with her - both of us were very upset - thanks goodness it was nothing. But goes to show how quickly you bond with even an animal

I think in my mind the hardest part is that we do want to adopt domestically and 6 months is a long time for a parent to change there mind. If they did and I had to give up "my baby" at the time it would drive me crazy. How do you deal with that issue?

TIA!

Darlene123 · 06-30-2005, 06:38 PM

I noticed your in MI right?

http://michigan.adoption.com/se/

Try that website, it has various laws and such for your state.

Jewels · 06-30-2005, 08:02 PM

We were told that after the baby is born and the birthmother is released from the hospital that she signs a relinquishment form and names you as the parents. That's it their yours. There's a 6 month wait with the finalization process through the court. They did say that a birthmother could technically file something within that six months but I believe they told us that this has never happened in the agency we will be working at. Although they have had a few cases where the birthmother changed her mind at the hospital.

I felt better about the whole birthmother potentially changing her mind situation when they talked to us about the fact that the birthmom gets a lot of counseling. Before, during and after the birth if she wants it.

You were right on with your DH describing the pet situation! My DH is actually the one that mentioned it to me how if he could love a child half as much as our little fur dog kids then that will be a lot. We really came to the conclusion kind of easily that our genetics is not the best of us, we have to give a child. I wonder about what a mix of us would look like but then I think oh yeah, they could have a crooked smile, bad knees, asthma, sight impaired, chubby and be goofy to boot. LOL Hmmm maybe somebody else's genetic make up might be ok. LOL

jnmanderson · 07-01-2005, 06:37 PM

Darlene -

thanks for the link I'll check it out!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jewels

I wonder about what a mix of us would look like but then I think oh yeah, they could have a crooked smile, bad knees, asthma, sight impaired, chubby and be goofy to boot. LOL Hmmm maybe somebody else's genetic make up might be ok. LOL

Jewels-

that is cute... yes I can just see our child with all of the above! I have to admit I think that is what DH really wants. Personally I think one of the reasons this has really struck DH is that his brother (younger) and fiance had an oops pregnancy last year about the time we started TTC and everyone is always making such a big deal that baby looks like his Daddy..... I think DH needs/wants to hear that.

Infertility is such an awful thing for so many reasons!!

GirliesX2 · 07-02-2005, 06:56 PM

Hi,
I wanted to give you my perspective...I was adopted when I was a baby here in the USA.

Over the years we had many people come up to us and say that I look just like my dad! We always just smiled and said thank you.

It is amazing how much you and your adopted children will start to look like each other...in mannerisms, etc.

I wish you all the best in your decision!

~Lisa~ · 07-03-2005, 02:40 PM

Well those are normal questions and fears I believe. But I think that as far as loving it, he will have to realize that it's his child no matter what. God can give them to you in different ways and they can either grow in your heart or they can grow in your belly but any either way they are ours to love.

As long as you get a lawyer that knows what he's doing and fine comb every aspect of the adoption and don't get someone that hasn't ever done a adoption then everything should go fine.

You could always do foster to adopt. If you chose to do private open adoption like we have well then the birth mother signed consent 72 hours after birth and the adoption is finalized after 6 months. After a consent is signed it's usually pretty hard for one to go back and reverse it. Stories you hear on tv an such are usually stories where the birth father wasn't notified or papers were not signed right etc.

I know about how normal it is to worry, I do it myself but you can't let it consume or control your life. You just move on knowing "this is my child" forver.

My parents adopted my brother 10 years before I was born from birth and I didn't know it until I was over 10 myself. To this day, I've NEVER seen my parents treat either of us any different, they love him equally the same as me. I will love my children equally the same as any other....

good luck on your journey.....

jnmanderson · 07-05-2005, 05:09 PM

Hi Vicki –

Thank you for your response! I think that is very true! I too have a different opinion on adoption as my mom is adopted (old school as she says because she knows nothing of her birth family).

Your twins are beautiful!! How very blessed you are!

Hi Mama2Destiny –

You are so right… I feel that God gives us the children that we are meant to love – whether via belly or adoption. What a beautiful daughter you have!! How fun to be adding a baby boy to your family!

Thank you all for taking time to answer my question and regarding it with seriousness and not think I'm silly for asking! I just so want a baby to love!!!

KDS25 · 07-05-2005, 05:34 PM

This has already been said, but I want to ditto it as well. My step dad adopted me and my sister when we were very young. He had a young daughter that he already had custody. I can't tell you how many times each one of us has heard how much we look like one of the non-biological relatives. ALL THE TIME!! When you live with people and are raised with them, you pick up so many of the same characteristics/traits, you will unquestionably see so much of yourselves in each other.

rachelmichellek · 07-05-2005, 06:27 PM

There are so many more valuable things you can give your child besides DNA.

I suggest you and DH read read READ READ READ about adoption as much as possible. It sounds like he is very hesitant at this point and only lots of research will help each of you decide if it is the right option for you. IMO online research is not enough- you must also read books- from the library is the cheapest way to get your hands on a quantity of books without shelling out $$$. I have been known to borrow almost the whole adoption shelf at one time.

jnmanderson · 07-08-2005, 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KDS25

When you live with people and are raised with them, you pick up so many of the same characteristics/traits, you will unquestionably see so much of yourselves in each other.

Hi KDS –

I do agree…. See my mom is adopted and while I never knew my grandma (she died when I was 3 months old) I always thought from looking at pics that her and my mom looked a like. I think that characteristics/traits to make you look a lot like each other as well. How many older folks do you see that have been together forever and they even start to look like one another!

Thanks for the response and the encouragement!

Quote:

Originally Posted by rachelmichellek

There are so many more valuable things you can give your child besides DNA.

I suggest you and DH read read READ READ READ about adoption as much as possible.

Hi –

Thanks for the idea of the books! I love to read

and I need to find some good books that talk about adoption. Do you have any particular ones that you read that you recommend? I’ll have to check some out and decide which ones to pass on to DH to read – as he is not a big reader and don’t want to overwhelm him!

mrsjcc · 07-08-2005, 01:50 PM

Hi,

I just wanted to point out that with a biological child, there is no guarantee that they will be like you--physically or in personality. I second the idea of adoption books. Your hubby might find Is Adoption for You? by Christine Adamec very beneficial. She addresses these concerns in depth (with statistics, etc.) plus many more concerns that may be at the back of his mind. Her book doesn't try to convince you to adopt, she just gives facts and addresses a lot of myths about adoption.

Laura

dna · 07-09-2005, 02:03 PM

Infertility sucks but adoption is such a blessing

For us DH just says 'well I dont look like you and you dont look like me so does it matter that our kids look like us ? They are ours and thats all that matters'

I cannot imagine having a bio anymore

I am too much of a chicken ! LOL