Help!! Foster/Adoption Questions--from a Newbie

waiting_n_praying · 06-15-2005, 06:41 PM

Hi--

I am new to this board, as DH and I are just in the beginning stages of looking into adoption. (Though we've planned on adopting since before we married--7+ years ago!) Right now we are living on his salary--the stress of working tends to flare up my PCOS issues--UGHhh!!! so we're definitely looking into state adoption. We live in NY and are interested in being foster parents--we were told that 80%+ of foster kids go back to their parents and that is the goal of foster care in NY--we are fine with that, but then again, there are TONS of kids waiting to be adopted who are IN foster care now, so how is that statistic true? We want to do BOTH foster and adopt.

That being said, I am really worried--DH's background is tough because he has ADHD/OCD/Tourette's Syndrome. Up until recently he was not on meds, and because our Dr.s never explained the issues that could come from this we had no idea--he used to have angry outbursts--never physical to me, but would break stuff in the house. We had short seperations twice due to that in 2000. Meanwhile, we were finally told he needed meds--in the process of getting his meds right things went from bad to worse--it was awful and he began having anxiety after being on one med so we stopped it but the anxiety was still there, to the point he wasn't sleeping for days and was just beside himself. He decided to move to his parents house because he knew his behavior was stressing me out so much, and then the day after his 31st birthday--at which point he hadn't slept even with taking a sleeping pill from the Dr.--in days, he took an overdose of sleeping pills. He was taken to the ER and it was the worst day of my life--he doesn't even remember it. Meanwhile, he slept there, they increased his meds and within days he was almost back to normal!!! He went back to work in a week! Almost 2 years later--With the exception of a few days last year when he was coming down to a lower dose on one of his meds, since then he has been like a new person. No more outbursts, etc. He's the person I always knew he could be--however, now we have this big skeleton in the closet. He is GREAT with kids and could get references to say so without a problem--even from those who know what happened. Will we be automatically disqualified???

I am afraid to even try to get started with this and go through getting denied. Technically, we can have our own kids--we've only had 5 attempts that were "good attempts" in all these years---but all these years not preventing most of the time, I did have one m/c, but Dr.s are very confident that with all of our tests we can get there on our own if we try. That is beside the point to us though--we still want to adopt. Anyone have any idea if we have a shot--words of encouragement (or a reality check) will be so helpful!!! Thank you!!!

stark tjej · 06-15-2005, 07:40 PM

From what I know (which is extremely little) you have great potential as a foster/adoptive family. You may be able to understand some of the kids and their struggles in a more compassionate way becuase of what you and your husband have lived. If he hasn't been convicted of a crime there shouldn't be problems as far as I know.
ST

samstars · 06-15-2005, 08:40 PM

You have a very good chance at being foster to adopt parents. My DH and I have been on this journey now for about a year and a half. My husband has ADHD and that has been a plus because we do know how to handle it. We have put on every paper that we would take in kids that have ADHD.

Just like all the other kinds of adoption it is a up and down thing. Good days and bad. Currently we are only looking to adopt thru the system and yes there are alot of kids available. The selection process is difficult and can be disappointing. If you foster to adopt you do have a better chance at being able to adopt a child that you are fostering if parental rights are terminated and they come up for adoption. This is one of the main reasons we were pushed into fostering.

I can try to help answer any questions you have, but please remember each state is different and we are in Indiana. Let me know.

Stacy

waiting_n_praying · 06-15-2005, 11:29 PM

Thanks for the information/support! I am really hoping that our expreiences dealing with ADHD will be a plus--my DH looks forward to helping a child since he never got any help as a kid himself--it seems about 75% of the kids on the waiting list here in NY have ADD or ADHD! We have a great psychiatrist too so we're hoping that would be a plus--his therapist has said that he knows my DH will make a wonderful father so that should count in our favor as well!!! There are so many wonderful kids out there waiting it breaks your heart, but hopefully we'll be blessed with many of them coming into our lives!!! Our plan is to go ahead this summer/fall and TTC and then when we move in the Spring next year get started on Foster/Adopting---we didn't want to start in one county and then move to another, putting a child through that upheaval seems too unfair. The Social Worker agreed.

Thanks again--and God bless you all in your journey!!!!

rachelmichellek · 06-16-2005, 07:43 PM

You can adopt from the foster system without as much risk of the kids returning to their bio parents (legal risk adoption) if you specify that you want to fost/adopt kids whose parental rights have already been terminated or are just about to be (no legal risk or low legal risk adoption). That is what I am doing.

Whether you are able to have bio kids is not typically an issue at all, with domestic fost/adopt. What may be an issue is husband's previous behaviors and your separations. But if you tell your social worker the whole story and point out that things have been stable since then, I think it would be unlikely this would disqualify you, esp if it was over 2 years ago.

The rest of your questions will likely be addressed as you go through the parenting training. Also you should read lots of books from the library on adoption, and check all the resources in the sticky message at the beginning of this forum.

You and hubby should totally go for it!