I am depressed. I have suspected it for a while, but now I know it's true. The scary thing is that I seem to be acting out of this depression in ways I haven't before, especially now with relationships.
In the past I've had several relationships with men. They were good in general, and I learned a lot from them. After my last relationship ended about a year ago decided to take a break. Now I've joined an internet dating site and BOOM! (: the first guy I communicate with me seems to be this fantastic match. We can talk for hours, enjoy the same things,...I really like how he thinks and our life goals seem compatible.
But now that I'm taking my PCOS by the horns (it's exhausting me in SOOO many ways, I know you know!) I am skeptical that any man would want to deal with it, too. Last week I just totally broke down and wrote this guy and said in a nutshell 'look, I'm not the perfectly put together, confident, balanced woman I think you want'. It was a LONG letter. I just feel SO different from other women and wonder why the HELL someone would want to be with hairy, pimply me. I did this EVEN after I learned that this (apologizing for yourself) is exactly what most men find completely unattractive in a woman.
Anyway I know why I did it...I don't want him to come here (in a few weeks his work brings him to my city) expecting something that I'm not.
...
In a sense I'm grateful because I think I've come down to earth enough to see the symptoms of PCOS for what they are. This has been a great start toward healing. In another sense I think I'm more likely to find a guy who understands that true love goes beyond the skin (and I mean literally!!)...
I guess I'm wondering if anyone else found themselves sabotaging a relationship like this, and what you did about it?? How did you find peace with yourself and how were you able to love yourself enough to even allow the POSSIBILITY that a relationship might work?
Also, when did you tell a potential mate about PCOS? For all of the energy it's taking me, and how large a part of my life this disorder is, I feel I might want to tell him even before I see him. Part of me wants to do this to see if it will scare him off. Deep down I know that if it scares him he's not the one for me...
The funny thing is he wrote back and said 'I don't see where you see a problem'. I want to write back and be like...WEEELLLLL, there's this hormonal imbalance I'm dealing with that keeps me in constant pain and on the threshold of an emotional breakdown!!! LOL (Anyway I'm going to a Dr hopefully this week to see what we can do)
I never wanna say it is the same situation, cause it never is the same.
After a year of being single I joined match.com and met a wonderful guy, I wouldnt call him a boyfriend, but it is sure complicated. Anyway, I havent told him yet, at all.
He knows about my thyroid disorder and I kinda lump my PCOS things in with that to make it not sound as scary.
I think there is a time and a place for everything but, Never would I come out and tell him everything. Women deal with it well, mainly cause it is our bodies that are going through it. I don't want to tell him everything, because it is super scary. Extra Hair, Acne, extra pudge here and there, isnt sexy. If he can see past it, Embrace it, if not theres the door.
What is even worse is the toll it puts on us mentally, there are points where I reach for a valium on my way to see him, so I can be calm and enjoy the visit. It isnt hiding things, but at the same time it is. Put the shoe on the other foot, Imagine if he told you, He had something so bad, his sperm quality might be poor, and he may never be able to give you children. Would you still give him the chance?
If he is open to things like treatments, and taking the disorder by the horns and if all fails adoption, I would take your time in telling him, he seems ok with it.
I sent a similar letter to my DH before we became romantically involved, we were friends for about 25 years before we got involved.
I didn't view it as self sabotage, I viewed it as full disclosure, I felt he was entitled to know. He was shocked when I told him all the problems I had because he never noticed my problems (except he did notice my PMS lol). He felt bad for not knowing that there was something that affected my life that he was too blind to notice over the years. He thought I was perfect, he still thinks I am perfect 28 days a month lol. I also viewed the letter as a possible time and heart saver, IF he couldn't accept me as I am then I didn't want to waste more time, I wasted too much time on that ex!
I hope your guy is like mine and accepts you for who you are.
I went to counseling to help my first marriage, it didn't save that marriage, but it did help me learn to accept and appreciate myself, it taught me coping skills that I could have used growing up in a dysfunctional abusive family. I finally learned I didn't deserve to be treated like crap by my first husband so it gave me the strength to leave him at the age of 40. My leaving him opened up the chance for my happiness with my new DH.
You said "Deep down I know that if it scares him he's not the one for me..." I agree, if he can't accept it then I would rather not waste my time. (says the lady who wasted 22 years on a man lol)
I hope you get help for your depression soon, wish I had saved myself years of grief by getting help earlier.
Best of luck!
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Dear etuc! Thank you SO much for chiming in and letting me know I'm not alone. It is the moments when PCOS keeps me from coming in to contact with other people (like we are anxious about meeting with our 'guys') when I know that this is DEFINITELY something I have to fight as well as I can! The ways PCOS can 'win' are so subtle, just little mind games that work when I'm feeling down...it can really be terrible, and these moments can come out of nowhere!
I'm learning that if I focus on my work I somehow have grounding. It doesn't matter how I look or how I feel in order for me to work. I want the man in my life to also feel this way about his life's work.
You know, the weirdest thing is, (and why I'm floating around with a smile on my face now), how this man just wrote back after I sent the letter and said he doesn't see anything to worry about. Once I read his mail, I could only laugh and write him back saying you know what? YOU'RE RIGHT.
That's the other crazy thing about PCOS. It can send us into this way of thinking where everything is 'wrong'--but really, nothing is!
Verajx, it is quite wonderful to read your mail now, because, strangely enough, I have been going through a kind of contemplation (maybe that's where the depression comes from) of the subtle--and not so subtle-- abuse that I've allowed to pervade my life, especially when it comes to my relationship with my family. These things are deeply connected with who I think I am and my entire self-worth!
I am SO HAPPY that you have a man in your life that thinks you're perfect just the way you are. You know, ever since I watched silly, wonderful Mr. Rogers as a kid I've hoped I could find that kind of love. Who knows? Maybe this guy I met will be the one. So far he's scoring pretty high . I am pretty blatant about testing him (though in a fun and flirty way)...I too have wasted WAY too much time on men who weren't worth it (I'm so sorry about the 22 years but it looks like you learned A LOT from them and now you have your wonderful love to enjoy!) and though I don't expect anyone to be perfect, I do want a man who will really love me (and whom I can also love)...I feel sometimes like it's a giant experiment, understanding love, and PCOS just adds another little quirk to the mix of all it is that makes up TRUE love.
Thank you for your good wishes, BOTH of you...I'm feeling much better today, and (who knows?) I think your writing really helped me find my positive energy again!
HELP!! Self-sabotaging a possible relationship!!! 
Thank you SO much for chiming in and letting me know I'm not alone. It is the moments when PCOS keeps me from coming in to contact with other people (like we are anxious about meeting with our 'guys') when I know that this is DEFINITELY something I have to fight as well as I can! The ways PCOS can 'win' are so subtle, just little mind games that work when I'm feeling down...it can really be terrible, and these moments can come out of nowhere!
. I am pretty blatant about testing him (though in a fun and flirty way)...I too have wasted WAY too much time on men who weren't worth it (I'm so sorry about the 22 years but it looks like you learned A LOT from them and now you have your wonderful love to enjoy!) and though I don't expect anyone to be perfect, I do want a man who will really love me (and whom I can also love)...I feel sometimes like it's a giant experiment, understanding love, and PCOS just adds another little quirk to the mix of all it is that makes up TRUE love.
