Some of you may remember my posts on the situation with my ex-fiance. It involved him getting on drugs and stealing from me. We were together, of and on, for 11 years. I still love this man with all my heart. We have started talking again, and he wants to elope. We had planned on getting married in October of 2005, and all this happened 6 months before the scheduled wedding. My heart is telling me to do it. I really can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else or having a child with anyone else. He has a beautiful son who is about 3 years old now that I would absolutely love to be a step-mommy too. He has gotten help for his problems and is clean now. When I talk to him, he sounds like my old Mark again. The case still hasn't gone to trial yet, and I'm afraid to move forward. It's one of those cases where my heart tells me one thing, but my head tells me I'm completely insane. Any ideas what y'all would do in this situation? I am so in love with him after all these years, and I want to marry him with all my heart. Feel free to tell me I'm incredibly stupid for even considering this. Part of me already knows that. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
__________________ Sandy-29. Single and actually liking it at the moment.
Mommy to a 70 pound lap dog, my big boxer baby Tyson and a 15 year old blind shih tzu.
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2003.
Medications include Lamictal 100 mg, Lexapro 20 mg, and Trazadone 150 mg for Bipolar Disorder. Starting Femcon Sept '08. Gotta get this big ugly PCOS monster back under control!
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While I don't mean to be pessimistic about the situation, as a neutral third party reading your scenario, it screams "suspicious." Could it be that if you two were back on friendly terms, he thinks it might affect the upcoming court case? (Perhaps his new "wife" wouldn't be required to testify?) From what you've stated, it doesn't appear things were great in those 11 years; after all, he had a relationship/child with somebody else during that time?
It seems you are limiting yourself to so many new experiences that you could share with somebody else who is worthy. Please don't be afraid to move on. There really are nice guys out there! As we all know, past behavior is a very good indicator of future behavior. I would doubt that you'd want to invest 11 more years only to end up single yet again, would you? Is this the role model you'd want for your child?
My two cents!
__________________ -PCOS/IR symptoms began ~ 1978;
-AO puberty-age 19--BCP prescribed 1987-2004 (17 yr);
-Lost 75 lbs (low-carb) in 2000 PRIOR to dx;
-PCOS/IR dx 10/2003;
-Fortamet ER 2500 mg/day;
-Lower Body Lift performed 3/04 due to excess skin from weight loss;
-Off BCP 1/2005--AF every month since!
-Low-carber for life!! (I am not able to move to typical "maintenance" levels, however.)
-Me, 37. DH, 42.
"...To want what I have; to take what I'm given with grace--for this I pray..." (Don Henley)
I agree w/boiler 110%!! He was unfaithful...doing drugs...he's more likely to start up again.. You don't want to raise a baby in that sort of environment. You are too kind - don't fall for it sweetie... There is someone else who is far better out there!!
__________________
Life is like an onion...
you peel off the layers,
one at a time,
and sometimes....you weep.
Me- PCOS & Endometriosis. 1000 Glucophage Daily
DH-Low Sperm Count, Low Motility
Us-Driving down the Bumpy Road to Conception!
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I would take things very slow, he needs to understand your apprehension. I think his true colors, whatever thay may be, will show in time. Jumping in would not be a good idea.
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I agree with all the other posts. When you've been with someone for a long time, it's really hard to imagine your life without them. But that doesn't mean it's what's best for you.
What stuck out most in your post is that your head is telling you not to... My advice is don't commit yourself to something if your head and heart aren't on the same page. When the time is right, you'll know.
Good Luck!
- A
__________________ Me 31 ♥ DH 37
Married 10-13-2000
DS born 11-13-2006
DD born 10-31-2008
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Thanks guys. He does understand my apprehension. He also knows that whatever happens with the case is out of my hands. He's not rushing me to marry him, just that eloping would be the best option if we do it. We were 'off' when he was with the other woman. Not trying to defend him, just clarify the situation a little. Things haven't always been perfect, but we had some great times.Things just don't feel right without him around. I'm not going to jump into anything. Just trying to sort things out in my head. Thanks again.
__________________ Sandy-29. Single and actually liking it at the moment.
Mommy to a 70 pound lap dog, my big boxer baby Tyson and a 15 year old blind shih tzu.
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2003.
Medications include Lamictal 100 mg, Lexapro 20 mg, and Trazadone 150 mg for Bipolar Disorder. Starting Femcon Sept '08. Gotta get this big ugly PCOS monster back under control!
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Hey Sandy, I can understand your apprehension. Do you have any idea when his case will go to trial? I think I would wait until after that is out of the way, if it's not like a year down the road. It definitely sounds like you still love the guy, and that he still cares deeply about you. If you believe that he is clean and has shaped up, I would do it! The only thing I'm thinking is that once his trial is over, it would be kind of like that book is closed. I know a lot of people can go back to their old ways, but it sounds like he's looking out for his son now, and good for him! Good luck in whatever you decide!
Not sure when this is going to trial, but he knows I want to wait until it's over. He told me he'll do whatever it takes for it to be as easy for me as possible. He's going to try to get in touch with the lawyer and try to find out what's going on. I hated to file the report and the letter I had to send to the DA's office was the hardest thing I've ever had to write. I just did what I thought I had to do at the time. He understands though. Thanks.
__________________ Sandy-29. Single and actually liking it at the moment.
Mommy to a 70 pound lap dog, my big boxer baby Tyson and a 15 year old blind shih tzu.
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2003.
Medications include Lamictal 100 mg, Lexapro 20 mg, and Trazadone 150 mg for Bipolar Disorder. Starting Femcon Sept '08. Gotta get this big ugly PCOS monster back under control!
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OK. Just after I typed that last message, I got my mail from yesterday and there was a subpoena for a preliminary hearing for April 5. Of all days. I'm leaving to go out of town that day with my mom and grandparents. Guess I'll be delayed a little while. Do you think this could take more than one day?
__________________ Sandy-29. Single and actually liking it at the moment.
Mommy to a 70 pound lap dog, my big boxer baby Tyson and a 15 year old blind shih tzu.
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2003.
Medications include Lamictal 100 mg, Lexapro 20 mg, and Trazadone 150 mg for Bipolar Disorder. Starting Femcon Sept '08. Gotta get this big ugly PCOS monster back under control!
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Hon, I feel you'd set yourself up for some very painful times if you marry this guy. I read your earlier posts and you sound like a very sweet woman, but it is a serious mistake to marry a guy who's got big problems and expect him to change. You are worth more than that and there are other fish in the sea.
Look - I don't know you.....this is the first post of yours that I've read, but I have to tell you -- you're better than that !
I could have written your post ten years ago......I was with a guy who really didn't know what he wanted, and did a series of illegal things. I was required to testify at a trial against him. By that time, I wanted to get back together with him. Finally, after being together for 10 years, I found the courage to break it off. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Ever.
But, it was so worth it ! I found someone to love and someone who loves me and we managed to have a child together (after fertility issues on both sides). Something I wouldn't change for anything.
And, looking back, I didn't know what I would have been missing. So, let me assure you -- there is something better for you out there. You just have to have the courage to go out and find it.
Here's my situation... 
