Hi, I'm an Ignoramus

JesterArts · 04-10-2007, 11:45 PM

Hi, I'm an ignoramus.

Its one of the more difficult afflictions to live with, since the one afflicted is usually unaware they have it, though everyone in their circle can see it plainly.

It has a variety of symptoms, though, the most common being an overdeveloped sense of confidence resting on an underdeveloped base of knowledge.

Cures generally include, simply, widening the area of knowledge (thereby bringing the confidence level to a reasonable height), speaking less, a good old fashioned smack in the head, and in rare cases, a bullet.

My wife has been living with my affliction of ignoramism for quite some time, while I've been responding to the side-effects of my wife's PCOS in a way thats well...ignorant. So, I'm here to improve my ability to be a good husband on this special level.

Recently my doctor Diagnosed me with Bi-Polar Depression, then second guessed and Diagnosed me with a more common Stress Disorder, third guessed, and realized I was just an ignoramus. I didn't wait for the bullet. (last part a joke). But in all seriousness, my personality has become like a rollercoaster, flaring up at most of the household issues that arise. Now this is something I truly detest in myself.

Upon a little more reflection, we started to realize that our marriage relationship has been declining because of the moodswings that our marriage has always known. Most recently we've come to realize that my inability to deal with some of the more difficult parts of PCOS moodswings (the seemingly cold response I get when I try to help with good motive) have been among the things that have caused my own frustration to mature into all-out anger.

Of course, there are other contributing factors too, but the household relationships make or break the ability to deal with the outside world to a large degree. I can say honestly that we have come to our lowest point in almost every aspect of our lives, due to depression and burnout that is about six years in the making.

So I'm here to widen my base of knowledge, to understand some of the leading coping strategies that husbands can use to help their wives (and dare I say themselves?). I'm quite green in this area, knowing a few basics. But with your help I can undue the damage that my own affliction of ignoramism has caused with my wife, who more than anything, needs a husband who knows how to treat her in this area that requires special attention.

But I guess most of all I'd like to know what the experience of the people are around here, how other's have taken a marriage in decline and made it a success...and things of that nature.

HOLLAND · 04-19-2007, 05:19 PM

I just want to say that my husband is dealing with the same issues when it comes to me. I have major mood swings at times. I've even been put on something in the past to help them. I'm doing better now but I know it really helps when my husband is so supportive. Even in the moments that he's dealing with my attitude so kindly I see that in him and appreciate it so much. I hate what PCOS has done to me!!! It truly helps to know that even though I may blow up at times my DH still loves me and is there for me no matter what.

Hang in there and know that it's neither one of your faults that you have the issues that you are dealing with.

This is a wonderful site for encouragement!!! I see that you posted this thread a while ago. Sometimes we are a little slow with responding

Take Care!!

mtm71401 · 04-19-2007, 05:26 PM

WELCOME!! We are so glad you are here!!!!

As a wife with PCOS I wish I could give you more information. The thing is it is so different for each of us. I'm glad that you are seeking a way to make your marriage better and find some peace for you and your wife!

ickle pands bf · 04-21-2007, 10:03 AM

Hey up there

Sorry it has taken me a while to reply to you, i have been away with work and blah blah.....

Well can i say that you probably have come to the right place. I have learned a lot just being on here, reading other peoples posts and relating and possible being able to give some advice (wether its good or not you would have to ask the others)

I myself have a great girlfriend who has PCOS, i knew she had before we became a couple and have tried my best to learn about it, which i like to think that i have, yes i am no expert but i know more than i did.

Laying your problems to the side for the moment, you have come on here looking for advice on how to deal with your wife and the mood swings that she is suffering from the PCOS, i would like to say that there is a something magical to deal with this, but to be honest all you can sometimes do is ride them out and be there at the end. She will realise at the end what has happened and the fact that you have helped her through it will mean more to her than anything else you could possible do. (i think anyway, i dont know your wife that well

) With my DGF i like to think that when she does go on a little bit of a downer, me just being there for her to help her through it, with cuddles, sometimes just laying on the couch together helps a lot.

Now, heres the cruncher, i suffer from a under active thyroid (which shows symptoms of a over active thyroid, no idea how but thats what my doctor says) I can go on a emotional rollercoaster sometimes and not know where i am gonna end up, DGF helps me a lot by keeping me grounded and focused on other things, sometimes it can be a bit much for both of us and we do argue, but we do make up and all is well again.

All in all, you have to be there for each other, remember the times you had before all the problems, think of the things that attracted you to her, the things that made you think ' i am gonna marry her' these are the things that will help you through it all..................

Hope this helps a little, it helps me..............

Kev

JesterArts · 04-22-2007, 09:58 PM

Hi guys,

Good thing I subscribed to this post! Right now the hardest thing for me is remembering that when my wife is upset its probobly not so much the issue at hand, but just internal imbalances driving her frustration. And then in the event that I do remember that thats the case, I have to overcome my own reaction to the situation switch gears in my own feelings, which due to my own stress can be like turning around a large ship.

Its certainly no easy game. But like mentioned above, there are many things that made me say "I want to Mary this girl."

I don't know if this is something or not, but she was the only one who would take me for me. She could be happy with a WalMart amethyst for an engagement ring, since at the time I was about 23 with the typical struggles of a young man learning that money comes easily when you live at home, but on your own. I think thats what we both had in common, we just appreciated that we could love the other without living up to other non-essentials that the world puts so much emphasis on.

I saw her love for children and that made me realize that she was compassionate and loving, and would without a doubt make a good mother. And that has definitely been the case! She was also witty!

Strangely enough, I read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," but I keep forgetting when to put away the Mr Fix-it hat at certain times. "Oh, a problem, here's solution." When in fact women would rather just have a listening ear in general. Another stupid question (I did mention I'm an ignoramus...) "Are you having a mood swing right now?" See, thats a guy looking at an engine. Let me find the problem. Doesn't always work. (I'm also terrible at fixing cars).

Anyway, I'm learning a thing or two, and putting it to work is harder. But I'm trying. I kind of wish "trying" would go as far as "problem successfully remedied" since they both come from a desire to help the other, but I guess everything has to come at its own time.

I'm coming here to solve various problems, and I guess I do have to bring up something that is hard for me to figure out:

If the boyfriend or husband cares enough to try to help you work out the problem, shouldn't that mean enough in itself. Like, "wow, he cares enough to try although he's clueless..." Because even if one does have a good idea of the problem, "You don't understand" seems to be the reply anyway. Sometimes I feel like there is no answer...like damned if you do damned if you don't as the saying goes. The hard part is knowing when to extend loving support, and then to know when you'll just end up the target for whatever the problem is.

I'd have to say the official hardest part is knowing that the man's stereotype is watching the game, not caring about the feelings of his wife. And when you go against this stereo-type, and show an amount of care, you end up more frustrated than the guy who just hangs out with his buddies and drinks, when its tossed aside.

Well, I think there is more good than bad these days. The last few weeks have shown much progress on both our ends. But the setbacks make the problems two weeks ago feel like they happened hours ago, and the rest is easy to forget.

I should get going now, I would like to get to bed early. My wife has had no shortage of sacrifice on her part, especially with all the recent changes we've experienced in moving. Apart from PCOS, I think the problems in magnitude and amount are enough to drive anyone to insanity. So she has much to be commended in, in dealing with these on top of some unfair hands being dealt internally.

Thanks guys,

Leo

georgy · 04-23-2007, 08:18 AM

great posts leo, and welcome!

AngelTiggs · 04-23-2007, 10:25 AM

HUge respect for you joining and asking for help not many men would do that so for that you are certainly not an ignoramous my dear. My DH and I have had depression ourselves that almost ended us but we realised communication is the best key we often aske each other 'any issues hun?' if yes we talk them out if not great and continue with snuggle time lol. I myself get on downers now and again while poor DH doesnt know whats up but he asks whats up anyway because he knows I'll get to a point where I can get my head straight and just talk to him about it.

One to one couple time does help if you have little ones set aside at least one night a week watch a movie snuggle up, every relationship is different but we all need to work on them when we got married 5 years ago the vicar gave us a good analogy a marriage is like a pair of scissors the blades can often move apart from each other but always come together again, I thought he was insane at the time but on reflection he was totally right, If your both on a downer a cuddle helps all ails and we tell each other daily that we love each other no matter what the day has been like, never go to bed angry talk it out I know its not easy to talk it out with a women whos on a downer especially one with pcos but its amazing what 3 little words and a cuddle will do. If arguments happen try to argue about little things, if theres an issue brewing about something big try and talk it out before it winds you both up.

Hope this helps huggles to you both and I wish you both happiness, keep going your going in the right direction.

ChrissyMc · 04-29-2007, 05:42 PM

Best of luck and welcome. Seeking info and understanding is a great first step in the right direction! Chrissy

joyblack · 05-01-2007, 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JesterArts

I guess most of all I'd like to know what the experience of the people are around here, how other's have taken a marriage in decline and made it a success...

You're already past the first hurdle -- recognizing that there's a problem without a simple solution. And you understand something about the reality of mood swings. And you know that it's tough for your wife as well as for you. She's a woman and your wife and I'm sure she wants to be a normal woman and a normal wife. But there are factors that militate against that. Most of us with PCOS have high testosterone levels, often as high as men. That affects our emotions and it also affects our bodies in a variety of ways, not least giving many of us growth of beard and body hair like men have. That's very destructive on us emotionally and it's easy to feel we can't be a "proper" wife as a result. The fact that you're here on this list should be a big encouragement for her. Accept her for who and what she is and make sure she knows that she's loved for who she is. Some women want privacy to remove at least some of the male-type hair; others love to have their husband help them -- go with what she prefers. If she wants privacy, keep out of her way at the times she prefers to do it. If she welcomes help it can be a great bonding exercise. I remove hair only from my face and let the other areas grow, but I love it when my husband offers to shave me.

Darkmistyfire · 05-06-2007, 04:50 AM

Speaking as someone who has PCOS and has mood swings. My boyfriend puts up with a lot from me. However, he understands that I am frustrated, ashamed, depressed, and just a little more than self-concious of how I look. I hate all the crap that comes with PCOS. My self-esteem hasnt always been the highest, but when I became more confident in life, I got diagnosed with PCOS and I started gaining weight, losing hair, gaining hair in odd places, etc. We have been together for almost 4 yrs. He has seen it all.

thisfreakingsucks · 05-15-2007, 03:32 AM

=gasp= a boy!! haha just messinnnnnnnnnn
you use a lot of big words tho you must be pretty smart lol

Mommy2Drew · 06-30-2007, 05:55 PM

I think it is great that you are asking for help. I wish I had some advice for you on the marriage front but as a single mother I just really don't have much experience there. I wish you luck and I think your wife is lucky to have you. I don't think a lot of men would bother to try to find out what is going on. Seems like your wife got one of the good ones!!!!!!!!!!! Good luck to you both I am sure things will work out in the end.

Shejayd · 07-03-2007, 01:28 AM

I will try to offer the best advice I can here.
My DH and I have gone through hell, and somehow have climbed back out everytime. My greatest recomendation is to see a coucellor, even if only once. Dh and I went once, just once, and in that one hour we discovered so much about ourselves that we never knew, and were free to cuss eachother out in a safe environment, we both felt so much better afterwards. Something the councellor had said to us was that men and women are both logical, yet think in different logic (you will learn this if you read men are from mars, although i only found some things in that book helpful). Because of this men and women become frusterated. Try to think that she is really just looking for someone to vent to, and you happen to be the closest thing. That means that she trusts you enough to hurt you, yet know that everything will be ok afterwards because you love her. Of course I dont think that anyone should be hurt in the process, but DH has taken to selective listening. If i bark at him and tell him I am unhappy, or that I want a divorce, he just lets me *****, then gives me 10mins to cool down, where as I think about what I said and come out to appoligise. Sometimes you just need to find a happy medium between the two of you, to find some way to just kind of deal with crappy stuff, and remember that you are together for a reason.
Is your wife on Metformin? Metformin can really help with the mood swings and symptoms of PCOS. Before I was diagnosed with PCOS, I had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, and was not doing well on Anti-depressents. Within 3 month of metformin, my depression disapeared, and my anger that I had disapeared. I was later re-diagnosed with anxiety disorder, and no long bi-polar. For you, are you on medications to help deal with the stress??
Just remember you love eachother, and the reason that you hurt eachother is because of this. Again, try to find that happy medium, communication is the key.
I tried, Hope i helped at least a little.