Hit bottom, can't do it anymore, God, just take me home please.

hoping4help · 01-20-2005, 10:10 PM

Well, just got done crying major tears. I have way too much going on in my life right now and every day something happens. Is the Enemy attacking me? Did I do something to deserve all this wreckage? Am I being punsihed for something?
1 - I am fighting to get back pay SSI owes me, and they are playing MAJOR games.
2 - I am letting my health go, smoking, no exercise, no more hope
3 - I talked to my obgyn today, the doc who hit the artery, hit an "abdominal artery", which was the good news today, my obgyn said it was minor, but, then, why, um did I bleed so much and almost die? That's over, and that's not the real purpose of this post.
4 - One of my credit cards charged me an overlimit fee, and a late fee, and I have NO money due to this SSI go round. I sent my payment ON TIME too.

Cysters ~ I can really not take much more. I stopped the tears, but ya know, it's a wonder I'm not wanting to die or landing in a nutward, I mean seriously, this is the bottom of all bottoms. MY LIFE IS A MESS IN EVERY AREA! (no yelling intended), I'm at my wits end, I just want to self-medicate and sleep it off for a long time. I'm dealing with old friends right now, that obviously don't give a rat's @ss about me, I'm the giver-it's a one-way street, I'm not used to letting go of friends-I'm the one who always gets ditched. I can't put up withit anymore. My brother has loads of $ and has not even offerred to help me out at all. Not that I even expect him too, cuz there's always "conditions" with him about everything. I have NO support from him, just my angel of a mother. Which, I know, is better than no one, but I can't keep expecting her to help me, I am an adult living in a 7 year-old's boddy! I don't know what to do, at this point, I just feel like ditching these 2 of my friends, ending the friendships and walking away once and for all, with God, alone. I am a good friend and everything is coming down on me (the things I mentioned), it is non-stop!
I honestly do not know how much more I can take or how much longer I can go on without letting my credit just turn to crap, and my health get worse. I am trying, I am half-@ssing this stuff, but I'm doing the very best I can, and I'm tired and sick. It's just getting to be too much anymore-one thing after another no matter how hard I pray for some peace and self-control with the smokes. I can barely do my hair or make-up anymore the last few days. I have already taken 4mg of Xanax and 1 Vicodin, and my regular Effexor. Got the tears out, yesterday I swear I was going to have a heartattack-I lost my breathing, heart palpitations something bad, mostly because of this SSI issue. They owe me money and I have had to fight with every single ounce of strength I have, and still no results, just a huge damn run around. I can't take anymore, I just cannot.
Thanks for reading if you did. I need help and answers on how to straighten out this mess. Part of it is my own doing, yes, however, I was honest, told SSI about a change of address, in October, moved again to a place I could afford, and since October 2004, they have not re-imbursed me my pay for Oct-Jan. There's more but that's the just of it, I honestly do not know what else to do. If I turn it over to God, can He help? I have turned it ALL over, and it's getting worse. Because right now, I'm just not believing ANYTHING is goign to be ok, ever! I have had enough!!!!
Gawd--when will it stop????

hoping4help · 01-21-2005, 02:23 AM

attitude adjustment and composure attained

TickledPink · 01-21-2005, 01:22 PM

I am sooooo sorry Kristen

I don't know what to offer you in the way of advice, just hang in there! Hang onto any glimmer of hope, a good memory, that is how I got through my darkest time.

Can you go for a walk? Try it, what do you have to lose, and it just may help out a little.

Hugs Kristen! Feel better real soon!

~Nicole~ · 01-21-2005, 03:08 PM

Kristen.......

I get you, and its a not a good feeling. Somedays I dont know how I make it....every thing I do is an effort. Just moving or walking.

Tell me more about your SSI situation...Just curious. Maybe there are some cysters that know something about it, or have delt with the same situation and have some advise.

You have to take care of you and I know its an effort.

hoping4help · 01-21-2005, 05:39 PM

My moods just have been all off lately obviously, sorry if I'm coming across as a drama queen!!! That is NOT my intention. This world has enough of those. I just don't stop and think, and I'm so much better at helping others than myself. When I get panicky like this, I freak and it's like "oh nooo, the sky is falling", I'm sure some cysters understand, I'm not alone, I know that. Really working on this aspect of my psychological health and personality. From here on out, I'm not going to post these desperate, sad hopeless posts, I'm just not, it's not right, and it's not fair to any cysters here. That's how I feel anyway, I'm so sick and tired of not believing in myself---I deserve way better. I'll find ways to cope off board.
Thanks for reading if you did. I'll figure things out, I always do...

Banna · 01-21-2005, 05:57 PM

Kristen,
This probably isn't going to help much, but you can get the fees from your credit card company reversed if you call and ask. I've done it at least 5 times in the past! Just ask them nicely. It's worth a phone call to an 800 number!

I've had times when I've felt like you described. My poor husband gets the brunt of my depression. He's been way too forgiving with me.

As far as your "friends" go, do what you need to do. I had to cut off a really good friend when I realized that she was just using me. It was hard. And I still think about her a lot, wondering how she's doing. You'll go thru a sort of mourning process after loosing a friend, even if you're the one givin' them the boot!

Good luck, keep praying like you have... you'll come thru.

~Nicole~ · 01-21-2005, 06:05 PM

You should not feel like that.....thats what we are all here for. Support and a shoulder to cry on or some one to share a giggle with. Whatever it is....VENT if you need to. We all have our times of hardship and grief. I am glad you feel a little better. My moods are like that, I go from high and happy to low and sad in minutes. By the end of the day I am so exhusted my my moods I crash and burn.

Good luck to you with your SSI, they are dirty dogs.

hoping4help · 01-21-2005, 11:50 PM

Thanks so muchhopefully, Pink, and Banna, I am going to do what you suggested first thing Monday re: the credit card, its the weekend, doubt if they're open.
Hopefully, to be honest, and this has only appeared the last few years. I'm concerned that any help I ask for will be looked at as attention-seeking, when in fact, all I want is to be part of something that can help me along this journey of IR (if I have it--still waiting) and PCOS, and all the depression/anxiety that comes along with it all. I can get attention from my dog lol
So I hesitate and have this really hurtful feeling inside about sharing and asking for help, and TRUSTING mostly. The SSI problem is not being taken care of it's a long story that is really too long to post here. In short, I was honest, reported my change of address, by law, I got docked over $200, since Oct., and can't pay my rent, thus ending up in possible eviction. I sent in legal documents proving my case and all the people I talked to, including my case worker. I have written more than I can count, have gone into my local office more than I can count on days where I was as sick as a dawg, and no help to no avail. They keep telling me what I need to do to fix it, I've done all of it, for 4 emotionally-draining months on top of the PCOS, endo, etc., and now I probably will have to hire an attorney to help me. This is my livelihood I'm talking about and I have rent to pay, car insurance, utilities, and food. So anyway, that's the just of it. I'm just not going to allow my peace to be ruined over something I cannot control any longer, rather pay an attorney to take care of it, unfortunately, praise the Lord, someone is willing to help me with the fees for that. It's just a mess.
Thanks again cysters for your suggestions and hope.
"I'm ok, and I'm on my way"... hopefully~ I'm not going to worry about what anyone thinks of me anymore, my mind is obviously very tired, if you have any info that could help me re: SSI, please send it my way, or anyone, if they're willing, this has caused me a lot of undue emotional stress, I could honestly say, that if this whole situation wasn't happenning, it would lighten the load off my shoulders.

anyone

hopeless · 01-22-2005, 04:04 PM

If you feel like your friends aren't really being friends...then walk away. I had 2 friends that were like this. I was emotionally drained from being friends with them. We got into a fight, and I just walked away and haven't looked back. I'm so glad I did it. You need to let toxic people out of your life. If you don't think you can do that right now, then take a break from them. Don't contact them for a while, and ease yourself off of the friendship. You'll see that you can do without them, and it will be easier to end the friendship.

I know how hard it is when everything's closing in on you. For me, what helps is remembering that much of my depression is physical. It's not all in my head. So, I try to keep my mind in check, even though my body is nuts! It's hard...but I keep trying to stay positive, and just make it through the day. I take breaks from school work whenever I start getting frustrated (before the tears start at all). I go for a walk, or just do a bit of writing. Hope things work out for you....

hoping4help · 01-22-2005, 10:14 PM

Hi, my friends are great, there's just one who lives near me, the one I was talking about that just is in constant competition with me, if you get my drift. I have true, caring friends, but one is in Oregon City, OR, one is up in San Fran, and then I have one in BC, Canada. So we can't just say hey let's have coffee today

it's sad like that, but we keep in contact pretty well. I'm having a hard time walking away from this one friend because she has been there for me, as I have her, but she always talks about herself and always has to tell me when and how much she got a raise, and all her friends are somewhat "below" her, Ex-me, with the 'problems', her other friend is an alcoholic, and she is constantly comparing our weight, because in high school I was always thin and this friend was a bit chunky. Now it's vice vera-we were actually in Home Depot one day and she was comparing our thighs!!! THat made me feel like crap. Oh well. She criticizes me about my life and is VERY opinionated-calls black people the n word, and that is just wrong, and I guess we're both just changing. I think no communication for a while will finally take care and give hint that our friendship isn't working any longer-no need to announce it to her, it's just sad, because we've known each other since we were 15, and the memories!! Right now, I'm just turning everything over to the great Counselor in the sky, because things are out of my hands until I get more stable emotionally and physically.
**You are so very right, I do need to get rid of the toxic people in my life, and I don't have that many, but I am living with one, so I'm in a catch-22. We get along, but he is very, very toxic. I'm glad you had the courage to walk away and it worked for you.
What I have a hard time wondering is: am I a bad friend if I don't call this friend once in a while? I try to call her when I feel well, as to not be a downer, and I gave her and her hubby a $100 gift card to BBB when they bought their new home, just because they've been so nice over the years, but the biggest thing I do not like is that her hubby has porn all over their computer--now you can't tell me that if you're hubby did that, you wouldn't feel, well, a little unequipped/uneasy at that the fact is, if my hubby
(if I had one lol) is going to look at major porn, than he best not do it on a computer we would own together. Anyone get my drift? So, only time will tell, and she keeps saying to me, oh, once you get your degreee and a good job, oh, oh you'll be making the cheese (money). I'm like WHAT?! there is sooooo much more in life. There's more, and I feel gillty for talking about her online, she'll probably call me tonight LOL I'll figure it out, I really don't like hurting people--friends or not ya know?

Thanks so much for your support and suggestion--time will tell what becomes of it.

hopeless · 01-22-2005, 10:56 PM

Have you tried telling your friend that you don't like the things she says? Maybe she doesn't realize that you feel beneath her when she says those things.

It can be really hard when you've known someone for so long, but start to grow apart. I did that with all of my friends from high school. I just pulled away, we weren't alike anymore and I wasn't comfortable. It was hard though, since I'd known them so long. I talk to them occassionally now, but our friendship is different. It's like we went from being good friends to being more like acquaintances. I guess sometimes it just has to happen.

hoping4help · 01-23-2005, 12:44 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by hopeless
It's like we went from being good friends to being more like acquaintances. I guess sometimes it just has to happen.

Exactly, that's how these friendships are right now. I have three really good friends nearby that I do things with when I'm feeling good, and that always helps

We have very good neighborhood friends who have known me since I was a toddler lol

No, I've never told her how I feel when she says things like that, I'm pretty much a doormat when it comes to her and her hubby. They are nice people, I just don't like their behaviors. Part of the fact that I'm not where I would like to be in my life at 34 right now, plays a big part. I've never been a jealous-type, envious yes, but never in a malicious way. I can't read her mind either, so I don't know how she feels. It's just been rather odd, but ok. Growing apart is bound to happen, it's tough to maintain really truly, good friendships, and I think that if both parties are willing, then that is something to be treasured, it doesn't always happen that way though right. You pulled away, and I can't let go! lol
Oh my. I'm getting to that place and have been for some time with this friend about not being comfortable...thanks for sharing what you did and thanks for the suggestions

hopeless · 01-24-2005, 12:55 AM

No worries....I'm here if you need to talk. PM me, if you prefer.

~Nicole~ · 01-24-2005, 11:43 AM

Sorry it took me so long to respond......crazy weekend.
I dont have any info for the SSI...I am sorry. I have been very down and out myself recently and I have an appointment to see a Psychologist next week. I just cant handle "Me" anymore. I am in the same boat....I dont really like to ask for help or admit that I am close to losing it. So I figured I have nothing to lose. (i am not saying thats what you need) Im just so unhappy and unmotivated and depressed and my moods are out of control. I have relationships that are just hanging by a thread, and I am scared of losing them. Me and DH are always fighting and my best friend and I hardly ever talk....because I am not interested in anything. But I explained to her to try and hold on even if I am unbarable most of the time, because I am trying to fix me. We have been friends since we were 12 and 13, now We are 26 and 27. So I dont want to lose that frienship. Well I totally highjacked your thread with my problems.....Sorry.

Good luck to you and I wish you all the best!!!!

Any cysters know about SSI?????

~~~~BUMP~~~~~

hoping4help · 01-24-2005, 02:22 PM

Hey, no worries, sometimes it takes me a while to respond too. Hope your weekend wasn't too crazy. I'm glad to know you're going to see a psychologist, scary or uncomfortable as it may be, here's hoping you get a good one! It sucks when our moods are out of control, I hear you. Tie a knot and hang on cyster, right

You remind me of my friend, her and her boyfriend are going through similar to what you described. Long friendships are hard to walk away from sometimes. And don't ever worry about "hijacking" my thread LOL, it happens, and it's not all about me anyway

Thanks for your help and you hang in there, I'm wishing you nothing but peace in all that you're going through.
(((gentlehug)))