I was puting up the decorations over the weekend, hanging the stockings. One that says Mommy, one says Daddy, one says Allen, and one says Woof (for the dog) It made me sad that Grace will never have a stocking hug, or a present under the tree. And then I really started thinking about all of the things that I'm so excited about with Allen ( smiles, firsts, etc) and that I won't be able to go through those feelings of excitement and joy with Grace.
I'm really falling back into a funk and not wanting to do anything for myself again. I just wish that there was a way to either make the pain go away, or just bring her back. I'd preffer bringing her back over anything else. Who decided that I couldn't have her? Who makes that choice? Who gives babies to people who hurt them and do do terrible things to them, and then goes and takes away Grace from a loving, deserving family? Are we not taking good enough care of Allen that we aren't worthy of Grace? Or maybe I did something wrong along the way?
This time last year, I was all a-glow with pregnancy and cheerful and happy. There were gifts for the baby-to-be-Allen, and that how it should be this year! There should be gifts for Grace as well. We should be prepping our lives for another little one and looking for a bigger place to live . . . .
I don't want to ruin Allen's first Christmas by missing Grace, but I can't but want her here with me.
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__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
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Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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__________________ Kim 40 PCOS/IR/IC/PIH/PTL
DS6yrs-preemie-30w)Twins-Met,Prometrium, Puregon Injectibles DS3YRS
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TTC#4 w/Injectibles-IVF conversion/CERCLAGE/6.2mo bedrest/emerg c-sec at 38wks
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Here's a random idea - Grace can have a stocking...why not fill it with baby items and then, at the end of the holiday season, donate it to a women's shelter in her memory? What a wonderful way to pay tribute to your beautiful child.
I tried to go to the National Share office site, but it wasn't working.
Thank you all for so much ofr your support and encouragment through all this. It's so difficult to continue each day knowing that Grace will never come back, no matter what I do. I long to feel her kick and to have the anticipation that I had with Allen.
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Holidays . . . 
to you.
