Honest answers and advice wanted about adoption

Rebecca527 · 07-21-2007, 08:09 PM

I know these questions have probably been asked and answered a million times before, but can anyone humor me and help me out here? My husband and I have been TTC for almost three years, and we’re getting to the stage of considering adoption. Before anyone flames me for anything I might say here…let me just preface this by saying I know that adoption is a wonderful choice to expand or start a family, and I agree with that. I have the utmost respect for adoptive parents, and for the birthmothers who give their children to be adopted. I hope to become an adoptive mother, and I hope that nothing I say will offend anyone. I just have some honest questions that I would appreciate honest answers to…and if we disagree, let’s be adults about it and try not to take it down to a petty level, OK?

That being stated, like I said, we’re considering starting the adoption process in a few months. When we first started TTC I didn’t even want to consider the possibility of us having to adopt in order to have our family. We both are to the point of “if adoption is what needs to happen for me to be a mother and him to be a father, and for my stepson to be a big brother and expand our family, why not just do it?” While I’m ready now to finally open my mind and heart to the possibility of adoption, I’m finding more questions than answers keep popping into my head. What if I don’t love the child? What if the child doesn’t love me? Will my extended family accept this child as being “my child” and as a part of the family?

I know in my heart that these are unfounded fears, but they’re my fears nonetheless. I know the second we’re given our child to adopt, we will love him or her as our own, because he or she will be our own from that time on…but what if I don’t? What if it makes my feelings of inadequacy due to not being able to conceive a child worse…and I wind up alienating the adopted child because of this?

Did you feel like this before starting the adoption process? How did you work through it? Did you feel you needed time to grieve the child you would never conceive or carry to term before you fully accepted adoption as a viable option for you?

That being said, I would also like to know some things about the adoption process itself.

*How long did it take?
*Did you go through a private agency, lawyer, or social services?
*Open or closed adoption?
*How soon did you get your child after being matched?
*How long did it take for the adoption to be finalized?
*Were you able to get an infant, or did you adopt an older child?
*How much did it cost?
*Are there grants or financial assistance for those (like my husband and I) who don’t have huge bank accounts?
*International or domestic?
*What kinds of preparations do we need to make…like for the homestudies, etc?
*And…given your experience of adoption…would you do it again?

I have my doubts about certain things…I even said to my husband, “who would pick US to be their child’s parents…or what agency would pick us to receive this child?” It hurts to think that just because we’re not rich (we do ok…but not rolling in money by any means!), we don’t have the most stellar credit record, or perhaps simply because we’re not the “churchgoing” type, we don’t have a big house or fancy cars that we might not be picked to adopt a child. I just don’t want to be heartbroken over and over again because of someone else’s opinion of us. As my husband said to me just a few hours ago…we’re as good or better parents than most, why wouldn’t they pick us to adopt a baby? I know adoption isn’t easy, and it’s not fast…but I just want to get an idea of what we’re looking at so we can prepare ourselves and our family. We just want to be parents…and as much as I’d like to have the experience of conceiving, carrying and birthing a child…my desire to be a Mommy is stronger than the need to have that child come from my own body. We hope our child is out there, somewhere, waiting for us. I’m just scared…of the heartbreak of not getting a child or having to wait forever for a child. Any insight you’d like to share? Positive or negative, I would like to hear from other adoptive mommies here…and I know there’s a lot here! Thanks in advance for reading and taking the time to help me!

Binxsmommy · 07-21-2007, 08:38 PM

I am an adoptee and an adoptive mother. As an adoptee I cannot say enough about it. I was blessed to be adopted by a wonderful family through an agency and my parents were not "rich" did not have fancy cars and so on and so forth. This however was 28 years ago. We were blessed to adopt our little girl privately because a friend of a friend was having a child and did not feel she could provide so I cannot help on the technicalities of "adoption". As far as loving your baby nothing can chage the fact that this little life depends on you totally for EVERYTHING to keep him/her alive. I think once the baby is in your arms and care you will be overwhelmed with feelings and love will just fall into place. Everyone is different but that's what happened with me. Although I was blessed enough to participate in Dr. visits and the actual birth experience. I couldn't be happier about our pumpkin(although I am incredibly tired).

Binxsmommy · 07-21-2007, 08:40 PM

One more thing I am not sure how you feel about this but "waiting" for a a specific race/gender can make you wait a WHOLE lot longer if you go the traditonal adoption route. Just something to think about. There are also babies out there that are not "newborn", possibly a toddler? Choosing to adopt a slightly older child will give you a faster adoption process good luck!

mommavia · 07-22-2007, 01:16 AM

Rebecca, you answered a lot of your own questions in your siggie:

Quote:

Our dream of raising a child together is stronger than the need to physically conceive a child...

Some couples need time to grieve the child they will never conceive, others don't. What lead us to adoption was a series of events that was even preventing us from TTC, after a year of being unsuccessful...deployment, cancer, another deployment, more cancer and surgery...so by the time we were so ready to start a family, I didn't even want to be pregnant any more and adoption just felt right.

Length, cost, and the process itself will vary depending on what adoption program you choose to go with...international or domestic. And each country will have it's own rules and regulations that will dictate how soon the adoption can be finalized after placement. With domestic, each state has rules for finalization. Check with your state's office of adoptions, they will be able to help you out with that. You can also call any adoption agency and ask questions...they aren't like used car salemen, they want what's best for the child and will help you decide what program is right for you and your family.

Don't ever let finances get in the way of you adopting! There are very few people who have huge chunks of money sitting around. Most adoption programs are sort of pay-as-you go...you pay an application fee, the homestudy fee, then part of the program fee, etc. It's often spread out over the course of your adoption process so you have time to save and pinch pennies where you can. There are TONS of grant programs out there, just google adoption grants and you will see there are thousands. WACAP, the agency we used for our son's adoption from Korea, has many ways they help families afford adoption on their website. I highly recommend WACAP, they were wonderful to us.

Some states even have tax credits and other helps for families that are adopting. When you do adopt and it is finalized, you will receive a federal tax credit, not deduction, that is over $10k. You are able to spread out the credit over a few years so you can hopefully use it all. It is after to fact and you still have to come up with the finances for the adoption, but it sure does help pay the bills when it comes.

Good luck with your decisions and research! Please feel free to PM if you have more questions...

Cynthia

babyme · 07-23-2007, 10:24 AM

My husband and I are also in the beginning stages of the adoption process. Just this weekend I said to him, "Who would pick us?". My husband had a similar response to your's, "Why wouldn't they?". We are still torn between domestic and international but we are forging ahead with the applicaiton process. Good luck to you on your journey!

saluki_fan · 07-23-2007, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Some states even have tax credits and other helps for families that are adopting. When you do adopt and it is finalized, you will receive a federal tax credit, not deduction, that is over $10k. You are able to spread out the credit over a few years so you can hopefully use it all.

Rebecca - I'm not sure if Missouri has this option or not, but I know the federal tax savings are available to Missourians no matter what.

I hope you are holding your child in your arms very soon.

anang · 07-24-2007, 12:19 AM

I adopted my three boys from foster care they were 6, 2 and 8 months when they joined our family. It is not for everyone but there is little to no cost involved and in fact there are tax credits and subsities.

here is mo info page if this sort of adoption speaks to you.

http://www.dss.mo.gov/cd/adopt/activity/

DaleAnn · 07-25-2007, 03:45 AM

Hi there!

It sounds like your path has been very similar to ours. While I was never opposed to adoption as a way to build our family, it just wasn't something that we considered for a long time. I always *knew* that I would have trouble TTC, but I figured it would happen eventually. When it didn't, I did need to go through a grieving process before I could give adoption some serious thought. During that time, I realized that I wanted us to be parents much more than I wanted to be pregnant. Once I realized that adoption was another choice, not a second choice, we were ready. I really think its important for anyone that they don't see adoption as a lesser choice before they begin. Sometimes that takes a little time, but when it happens you will know you are ready to take the next step.

Obviously, I don't know you so I can't help with the questions about how an adopted child might impact your feelings about your infertility. But if you think it could truely be an issue, I would address it before you get much further. A good social worker and homestudy can help you sort through these issues and help you decide if you really are ready. I think that the fact that you are asking these sorts of tough questions is a good sign, though. Adoption is not something to jump into thinking it's going to be all rainbows and puppies. It's complicated and emotional for everyone involved and we owe it to our children to be as prepared as we can be.

As for your questions about the process, it's really going to depend on the type of adoption you choose. While domestic adoptions are a wonderful option for many, we fairly quickly ruled out it out for us, for a number of reasons including the risk of a birthmom changing her mind, financial, and because the whole process felt like we would be competing with other (younger, wealthier, healthier) couples for a baby. There was no way to know when or even IF we would ever be picked.

So we chose China and are currently waiting for our referral. International adoption presents it's own set of complications (changing wait times, attachment and bonding issues, racial identity, etc) but as we learn more about these topics we've become more comfortable with them. As for the specifics of our adoption, we've been waiting for about 16 months so far and we don't really expect a referral til next spring. The adoption will be finalized in China and our daughter will be an American citizen when we land in the US. We have requested an child between 6-12 months old, but are prepared to adopt up to 23 months. China also has lots of toddlers and older children who are waiting in their special needs program, which moves much more quickly.

I would be happy to tell you more about our experience so far, just pm me and we can talk. We don't live too far apart, so I would be more than pleased to tell you about our agency (local) and any other specifics.

Best of luck to you in your decision,
Dale Ann
DH-Greg
Waiting for Annabelle Grace, LID 03/02/06

PCOSHater · 07-30-2007, 05:39 PM

TO ANSWER A FEW OF YOUR QUESTIONS>>>>

*How long did it take? For my situation it took less than 6 months
This is because DH had the child from a previous marriage that the bio-mom signed over rights from. So I did not have to wait for a child.

*Did you go through a private agency, lawyer, or social services? The first answer fits this one as well. Although in our state, all adoptions have to go through social services to be finalized with the home study and such.

*Open or closed adoption? This for me is not really relevant, but personally I could NOT do open adoption.

*How soon did you get your child after being matched? N/A

*How long did it take for the adoption to be finalized? about 6 months

*Were you able to get an infant, or did you adopt an older child? infant, but again mine is a different situation

*How much did it cost? $5,000 between lawyers fees and home study fees (THANKS DADDY!) We only had $2000 saved

My dad gave me the rest

*Are there grants or financial assistance for those (like my husband and I) who don’t have huge bank accounts? I don't know about this except if you go through Social services, they do give subsidies.

*International or domestic? domestic

*What kinds of preparations do we need to make…like for the homestudies, etc? This is different for each state. But I know the basics are...enough room...safe condtions...clean condtions....even in the hard to see areas back of cabinets...bottom of the fridge etc

*And…given your experience of adoption…would you do it again? Yes

Also...you talked about your family possibly treating the child differently....well I only have one...my stepmother...go figure...but I told her what for and that was that!

Hope this helps!

patu · 07-31-2007, 09:20 AM

I can not help you about the adoption process as I am on the other side of the world and things are little different here.

But one thing is sure, from the time I started to think about the adoption (about 2,5 y ago) I have EXACTLY the same questions in my head as you do. Will I love the child, will the child love me, will my family exept this child etc etc etc. Plus zillion other questions. You are definitly not alone in those thoughts, so I think they are normal way to prepare yourself for the adoption process.

Miss-Meme · 08-01-2007, 09:50 PM

Did you feel like this before starting the adoption process? How did you work through it? Did you feel you needed time to grieve the child you would never conceive or carry to term before you fully accepted adoption as a viable option for you?
I didn't feel like I needed to grieve before we started it all but once it was almost time for our child to be born and I was getting stressed I did question about having bio children. So I guess that was my grieving time.

*How long did it take? Well our adoption is a little different. We signed up with an agency about 5-6 years ago, did all the homestudy and started waiting. We never heard from them again until it was time to update. So we just started waiting for God's time to make us parents. Last Aug we were approached by someone I know about an adoption situation with a local young lady.

*Did you go through a private agency, lawyer, or social services? We used a local attorney to finalize our adoption and we used Catholic Charities to do the homestudy.

*Open or closed adoption? Open since the birthfamily lives in the same town as us and I know the birthmother from a few years ago and my husband knows the birthfathers family its hard to make it a closed one. But that said we have not heard from them in some time now.

*How soon did you get your child after being matched? We matched when she was about 3-4 months along.

*How long did it take for the adoption to be finalized? 4 months only because my one set of finger prints kept getting lost. As soon as I had a live scan done we finalized in like 3 weeks.

*Were you able to get an infant, or did you adopt an older child? Infant

*How much did it cost? We kept our cost low by not using an agency. So under $5000

*Are there grants or financial assistance for those (like my husband and I) who don’t have huge bank accounts? Some places take payments. Other people start saving money in every way they can.

*International or domestic? We did domestic.

*What kinds of preparations do we need to make…like for the homestudies, etc? Basically just baby proof your home, fire alarms, fire extinguishers, plug in covers...all that good stuff. We had to have physicals done, TB skin test and TB chest xray. Most everything else is paper work.

*And…given your experience of adoption…would you do it again? As stressful as it was during the wait for the birth, we are ready to do it again.

Rebecca527 · 08-01-2007, 11:21 PM

Thank you so much, everyone for your answers and help!

I don’t know if it will all pan out, but we’re still considering our options. We have the name of a woman here in St. Louis that is the head of all adoptions from social services…and are keeping it for when the time comes. I know it sounds selfish, but if we do go through with adopting, we are hoping for an infant…not more than three or four months old…we both want to go through all the “baby” firsts and bonding time with the baby. And apparently this woman has the connections to get infants when other agencies can’t. I don’t know how, but she does. A friend of mine that I work with whose sister adopted two children gave us the name of her agency in Chicago, and said that it’s a great agency to go through as well. So, the doors are opening slightly I think. I really don’t want to go through foster-to-adopt, just because of the heartbreak involved of getting attached to a child and having to give it back. We’ve tried for so long, and I think being “teased” with the prospect of adopting a child just to have it returned to it’s birth family would be more than I could bear. In some ways, I wish someone would come to us and say “I’m pregnant and want you to raise my child, no strings attached”. But, realistically I know that won’t happen. Right now, we’re putting out feelers and researching, and hoping for the best. I’m hopeful that by this time next year I’ll either have conceived or adopted my child. Wishful thinking??? LOL

Anyway, thanks again for all your help! Keep us in your thoughts if you will that we can come to the right decision for us and that we may be blessed with a baby…whether it be from my uterus or someone else’s!

Miss-Meme · 08-01-2007, 11:27 PM

There is nothing wrong with wanting a baby. My dh and I wanted the same thing. There are different people for different kinds of adoption. What is right for one person is not right for the next.

Good luck!!

~Lisa~ · 08-02-2007, 03:18 AM

Hi sweetie, I think there is nothing wrong with asking questions. The only stupid question is the question left unasked. So don't feel bad about asking your questions and no one has the right to bash anyone here about their questions. That is my opinion.

I think when I got to the point in your reading when you said something along the lines (not a exact quote) but that your desire to be a mommy was stronger than your desire to conceive, that made me feel that you are ready to adopt. Sure I think there are "many" that would still like to feel what it's like to carry a child, to feel it kick, and to do things like that. I had a friend of mine tell me once that she wished I could experiance pregnancy. But ya know what I wish she could experiance adoption! There are things with pregnacy I will never know, just as their are things with adoption my friend will never know. Their are joys with BOTH! Just because you carry it in your heart or below it, doesn't mean you love one more than the other. You will love your children all the same, because your their mother.

My mother has a step daughter, a son who she adopted at birth and me, she loves us ALL the "same". None more than the other. Ask her the question she would tell you the same.

To answer some of your questions, here are my answers to them.

*How long did it take? I found out about my daughter Feb. 28th, she was born April 16th and we've had her since day one.
*Did you go through a private agency, lawyer, or social services? The birthmother contacted us. It was private, we did have a lawyer
*Open or closed adoption? Our adoption is Open, We still talk to the Birthmother and she gets pictures, etc. We like it this way
*How soon did you get your child after being matched? At birth
*How long did it take for the adoption to be finalized? It varies state to state, one you can find the state laws on this online, or get a adoption book, I got the adoption for dummies and it tells the laws for each state, the consent time and the time for the adoption to finalize. Illinois is 6 months
*Were you able to get an infant, or did you adopt an older child? Our daughter from birth and we also adopted our daughters brother from birth. We have bio siblings.
*How much did it cost? It varies. we found a cheaper lady to do our homestudy, and our lawyer costs we're not over 3000, then it depends on if you have to pay for the birthing, which ours had a medical card.
*Are there grants or financial assistance for those (like my husband and I) who don’t have huge bank accounts? Check with where your husband or you work, sometimes they offer so much assistance towards the adoption. sometimes yes you can get grants, but I dont' have experiance with that. we borrowed against his 401 then when we got the tax credit we paid it back. We got both times the tax credit the year the adoptions were finalized.
*International or domestic? US
*What kinds of preparations do we need to make…like for the homestudies, etc?Our homestudy was done after they were born, it depends on your state, find a good lawyer
*And…given your experience of adoption…would you do it again? OMG no doubt. I'd love to have one more child!!

I hope this helps

mommavia · 08-02-2007, 03:29 AM

http://www.angelfire.com/journal/ado...adopthelp.html

This site is the best site for finding resources to help defray the cost of an adoption. There are so many grants listed, it'll make your head spin! NEVER let the finances get in the way of YOU becoming a mother! Pennies will come from heaven if need be!

Cynthia