Ok, I'm not sure where to start....or if I should even actually write this out. Putting it into words makes it sound so pathetic. But, I'm at a point where I need someone else's viewpoint/advice/suggestions. Something...
I'm not sure exactly when it began. I've always been more comfortable with just a few close friends, and in smaller settings. But, I also used to try to put myself out there...and enjoyed being active and being around people. In school I was in basketball, drama, track, baseball, debate,...anything and everything. But, it was always something where I could interact with people while we were all doing something else. But I was out there, and having fun.
Anyway, then several things happened and my world turned upside down for several years. I lost my bf to cancer, then a year later my father was killed in an accident at work, then 1 1/2 years later I was assualted. During this time it took everything I had to keep myself together. I dropped out of college, quit my job, and moved back to my old home town, to be there for my mother and sister. For a little over 3 years we struggled just to keep us all going and together. During that time I was so up and down and just barely hanging on at times...I got to the point where I didn't want to be around anyone. Someone would always say something and I would fall apart (they were trying to be nice or be helpful of course...but I just wasn't at a point where I could deal with it). So, I cut off all ties with friends, and pretty much never went anywhere or did anything. It was all about keeping my family together and keeping my own sanity at the time. Eventually, my mother and sister began to do a little better...began to cope with my father's death, and they began to get out a little...live again. Finally, after almost 4 years..they were doing well enough (and so was I...I thought), that I moved back away from there (about an hour away), and tried to rebuild my own life.
But, here's the thing....I don't seem to know how to be around people anymore. I know that sounds crazy, but I don't know how else to describe it. I get that same panicked, anxious, scared feeling that I had when everything was going on, when I'm around people now. I've got to where I do ok at work (somewhat). I can talk and joke and be fairly normal around the few people in my department. But, when someone that I don't really know comes in, I get so jumpy and flustered. I just want them to go away. I've even caught myself being somewhat rude and coming off as "snobby", just because I felt this way, and was scared. It seems so stupid, but I don't know how to make it stop. I thought maybe if I forced myself to get out and try to meet some new people it would help. I found a group in our city called "young active professionals". Basically it's just an activities group. A bunch of 20-30 yr olds (most are single, but not all..it's not a single's group), get together and go to concerts, movies, out to eat, comedy clubs...just anything that comes up. I've went to several events...and I do have some fun...but most of the time I'm in a constant battle with myself...we'll be at a resturant or somewhere, and I'm trying to carry on a conversation with someone and in my head the whole time there's this voice screaming "RUN!!! what are you doing here? please make them just go away". I've almost began to wonder if I'm going crazy at times. So, I stop going, and I try to avoid people in general. Then I realize how lonely I am, and how this just isn't who I am or who I want to be...so I start trying again. Of course when you're doing this back and forth...there sometimes...hiding out others...it's impossible to make any friends. I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this. And I don't know what to do. I went to counseling for a while, and it helped some...but not enough. As for everything that happened...I think I've gotten past it...I've learned to cope with it....I just stopped living for so long while it was happening, that I think I forgot how to be "human". Of course the PCOS and hormones don't help either....
I really just want to be able to talk to people and be around people again without feeling like I want to run and hide....
__________________ Jessy
Diag. PCOS in Nov.2001
Dec.2005 Insurance stopped covering PCOS
Researching alternative therapies & what to do now...
** Also diag. w/ OSA, GERD, IR, Migraines, severe sinus/allergy, MVP
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Oh you have discribed my life!!! Social anxiety, panic attacks, depression ... I once was social, outgoing the life of the party and then it happened ... I was raped twice on two separate occassions by two strangers, harrassed at work, and stalked twice by two different bf! I hide it all inside (even from my mother) for ten years, then I lost it, full blown nervous breakdown! I have not worked for two years and the mere thought of going on an interview sends me into a panic attack.
I am currently on Paxil (60 two years ago, 40 when I got pregnant and now down to 20). I am whining myself off it as I am able to deal with my feelings/emotions much better now. Though this is years of counseling and a supportive husband.
Life does get better, I promise! It is a slow process, but it is worth it! I take moment by moment as day to day does not work as of yet. Hang in there and remember to breathe. I know breathe? I told the doctor that if I was not breathing I would be dead! What she meant was to remember to slow down my breathing, and think positive thoughts. Hang around those I trust and then add a friend once in a while.
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*Hugs* I hope you can make some friends and get out there and enjoy your life. Maybe some anti-depressants would help or going back into therpy. You have gone through alot and if you are always there for other who is there for you!! I hope the best for you and I hope you can enjoy your life more. To me you sound like an independant courageous woman with her whole life ahead of her!!!
My husband has exactly the same problem. He gets very nervous and anxious around crowds or people he doesn't know. He has medication that helps and he has also gone to counselling which has helped. Some of it may be the time you've been out of the loop, but a lot of it may be chemical. Don't be afraid to see a counselor or a doctor to try to help improve your quality of life.
I'm thinking about you and know what you are going through. I will keep you my prayers!
One day/onestep at a time, you posted here...you said some things out loud that will help, you are right!!!
Keep posting and think about talking with a therapist, they can direct you and support your dreams to come true. Through my struggles ups and downs I had to be on meds, zoloft has been the best with a side of trezadone for sleep...just talking to someone helped too! I got out of my shell, otherwise I could not come here!
I wish you happy thoughts
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Thanks for all the encouragement and advice. I'm working on it. I think I just got really fed up with myself yesterday. I'm tired of being alone. I was on antidepressants for almost 4 years. I finally got off of them about a year ago. I am trying hard not to go back to them. Most of the time I do ok. Occassionally I get in a funk again, and everything gets to me. The funks are getting further apart...and aren't lasting as long....so I'm hoping that's a good sign. I know when I take better care of myself, then I feel better, and feel better about myself, and then I'm able to handle being around people a little better. So, I think I'm going to focus on making healthy decisions, and keep trying to put myself out there and force myself beyond my comfort zone. It's kind of weird...because everytime I do force myself to get out there...I do have fun....it's still always tempered a little by the anxiety and nervousness...but at least I am getting out there some now. That's a step forward at least. I guess I'm just impatient too. I want my old life back...I want to be the way I was before everything happened. I know if I keep working at it I'll get there some day. I just hope it's soon....!!!
__________________ Jessy
Diag. PCOS in Nov.2001
Dec.2005 Insurance stopped covering PCOS
Researching alternative therapies & what to do now...
** Also diag. w/ OSA, GERD, IR, Migraines, severe sinus/allergy, MVP
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Hi- First of all, I just want to tell you how sorry I am to hear that you had to deal with all those traumatic events. That must have been a very tough time for you and to this day is a tough thing to cope with. But I also have to say congratulations for making it through alive. You are truly a strong person. Give yourself a pat on the back. Anyways, I think, in my opinion, what you have is more than just social anxiety. I mean, granted, it could be a big part of it, but i think it goes deeper than that. You lost two people that were very close to you in your life. A pain that no one wants to bear, and you did. I think maybe the reason, one of them, why you don't want to be around people is also because you could be afraid to get close to anyone else again, fearing you might lose them as well. I don't suggest medication. I mean, yes, you might need a low dosage, but I think therapy would be much more helpful for you. Drugs, they don't solve the problem, it just pushes it down. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an anti drug person, I'm on zoloft myself for postpartum depression. But I think too many people are too q uick to ask for prescriptions. Talking to someone, a professional, will help you figure out the core of your problems and fears, and help you confront them and figure things out. I do hope you are able to feel better soon. But just know, that things WILL get better. I know it may not seem like they will now, but they will. Just keep pulling. YOu're a strong woman.
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Hoping someone can help... 
