How to answer people's questions about how many children etc.

SabrinaBusch · 04-30-2007, 03:50 AM

I had my daughter April 3rd 2007 at 20wks, she was with us for One hour before she became an angel and i thank God for that hour everyday.
I know i am going to get questions like:
Do you have any kids?
and questions in the future when i'm pregnant again like:
Is this your first baby??
Stuff like that, how should i answer those?
I know there are a million questions that people will ask, i don't want to make them feel uncomfortable but i don't want to treat it as if nothing ever happened. I had a daughter, my next pregnancy will be the 2nd baby. I don't want to not give her the recognition (sp?) she deserves. She was born, she has a birth certificate, ss card and an insurance card. I just don't know how to handle the questions. Please help, has anyone else ran into this kind of thing?? I believe that every baby no matter how long the pregnancy was should be recognized by others, it was a baby the next pregnancy would be the 2nd or whatever number pregnancy it was. I know others might not understand if they have never gone thru a miscarriage, but i feel like my baby deserves her "spot" she was my first born. She was my first pregnancy. Thanks ladies, any advice at all will help. Also if you tell people what comments have you gotten back? Do they understand, or has anyone gotten weird comments back from others??

RunnerDuck · 04-30-2007, 05:03 AM

You know... everyone is different. Only you can say how you feel about this, and how you feel may change over time.

I have one son and I am sick to death of questions such as "Are you going to have more kids?" and comments such as "He really needs a sibling."

Well, as we used to say in middle school, "No $hit, Shirlock."

I have actually avoided social situations where I KNOW this question will come up, such as my husband's co-worker's Christmas party last year. They have a boy the same age as our son, and they had a daughter last fall. There is no way in hell the "Are you having more kids?" question wouldn't have come up. I told my husband he could go, and her could take our son, but I would not be going - because if anyone asked that question, I would have probably broken into about a million pieces. (Especially given my first miscarriage was due the same time as their baby girl...)

(The funny thing is he was going to go and was actually looking forward in a sick way to telling any one who asked, "You know, it's funny, my wife didn't come because she was afraid someone would ask that..." but he forgot about the party!)

Now I *personally* do not count my losses as "children." They were such EARLY losses. This most recent one is especially horrible because a. there were 2 of them at once and b. I saw a heartbeat on the one that held on the longest. But still, they were early miscarriages and such I don't really count them except as... I don't know, painful reminders of what I could have. I mean, I have been pregnant with FIVE babies but I only have one who made it. I spent more time certain they wouldn't make it than I did bonding with them. But in your case, you had an actual child that LOOKED like a child who really was born... in your case, I personally think I would count it as a child, I would say "We had a daughter but she died soon after birth..." and I would remember that child as a child and not just a could-have-been.

I would count her. At the point I am now, I am fully liable to be snarky and relate the fact that I have had 3 miscarriages of 4 embryos/children in the last year, and yes I know my son needs a sibling. But I feel like that would change somewhat if/when I have another living child - I probably wouldn't bring it up. But your case is different. I really think that, no matter what, I always WOULD count that child, and I always WOULD bring her up if anyone asked. Not just in a snarky, bitter, "Stop asking me personal questions!" sort of way, but in a respectful, "This was my child and she deserves to be remembered sort of way."

The funny thing about loss, if there can be a "funny" thing, is, no one wants to talk about it. People push it under the rug and it stays there. Everyone assumes that no one else has gone through this. But early loss or later loss, if you bring it up, a portion of people will have NO idea what to say. But another portion will say, "Oh, i am so sorry, the same thing happened to me... or my mother... or sister... or friend..."

Etc.

Really there is no right or wrong. Talk about it the way you feel is right at that moment. And that will be the right thing to do. And however people respond - whatever. Either they will share your sorrow, or share their own stories, or learn not to ask such personal questions so flippantly.

And these are just MY personal feelings on the matter... I really don't care or have a problem if people choose to have more attachment or memories to early losses. It's just that I personally do not. I wish they had held on, I wish I had them in my arms, but I don't, and I never did.

But your child, however briefly, you did have in your arms, and if I were you, I would count her, now and forever, as my child.

Again please no offense. This is just how I personally handle it.

eta - I am so very sorry for your loss.

SabrinaBusch · 04-30-2007, 01:06 PM

Thank you so much for all your help. I'm so sorry for your losses. I hate that this happens to people. Your reply has helped so much. I know people don't like to talk about death and loss, to me i would definately "count" her as a child. I just didn't know if i should dodge the questions or what because people brush things under the rug. They dont' like to hear anything that isn't positive. Thank you so much for your reply, it has helped alot and again words can not say how sorry i am for your losses.

*~SugarPlums~* · 04-30-2007, 01:37 PM

For me, it is a very personal issue. I am proud of my Angel babies, they are the ones that made me a 'mommy', but bringing them up often opens up a can of worms that I am not willing to just share with 'everyday' people. These may be neighbors, co-workers etc but in reality , they are nothing to me. I don't feel that I am dishonoring their memory. The people that are closest to me know about them, they were there to grieve right along with us that loss as well as the loss of my other 4 early losses.

I do share my stories here but that is for a different type of support, recieved and given if you kwim. It's hard to explain, but when it is appropriate, I do mention my first set of twins. I have found, most times when I do, it makes others somewhat uncomfortable, and then I end up feeling sad or more upset.

Jb1227 · 04-30-2007, 03:26 PM

It's amazing how hard it is to answer questions like that.

I was in a wedding about a month ago and a guest at the wedding who has had a MC said, "We have two kids and one in heaven." I thought that was a good way of saying it.

My MC was my first pregnancy as well. I'm not sure how I'll answer questions about the next one. Should I count it as my first? I don't know... I'll have to really think about it.

Thanks for sharing your story.

lovepotato · 04-30-2007, 06:11 PM

I had a stillborn at 29 weeks in Dec of 2005. I have a new baby now, he's 2 1/2 months old. Giddy's duedate (our living baby) and Eric's duedate (our angel) are about 8 days apart, in different years. I definitely always mention Eric if someone asks if we have any more kids. Just b/c he's not here with us doesn't mean he didn't exist. And I wouldn't be able to face myself if I didnt' acknowledge him. He was my first pregnancy, and he'll always be my first baby.

I agree with Runner. "Either they will share your sorrow, or share their own stories, or learn not to ask such personal questions so flippantly." If people are going to ask questions, they have to accept that there might be an answer they might not like.
I was at the library where my grandmother works. A little old lady asked if Giddy was my first. I told her no, we'd had a stillborn before him. She just said oh, I'm sorry and I thought that was the end of it. A few minutes later, she came up to me and told me that her granddaughter was pregnant, and that they'd found a defect in her heart. If she didn't get a transplant soon after birth, she'd probably die. I know there wasn't much I could say to her, but I think telling me made it better. I think that things like this are taboo, and she didn't have anyone to tell. So I think it helped her to talk about the baby. My grandmother doesnt' like it though. But I don't care.

And if people say Gideon is my first, I correct them, b/c he's not. You do what your kids need you to do. Gideon needs me to take care of him, Eric needed me to bury him. Just b/c that's not the way you usually take of kids doesn't mean it was the wrong way. Its what they need. That's what makes me a mommy.

G/L, and I hope my answer helps. I'm sorry about your loss, and your baby is beautiful.

Fleegle4 · 04-30-2007, 07:50 PM

I think the answer is -- it depends. As sad as I am over my recent miscarriage which went long enough for me to know and even to see a sonogram that clearly showed a fetus, I am no-one's mother, and I have no children. If a doctor asks me if I ever was pregnant or some other medical question such as if in the future I ever become pregnant again ("is this your first pregnancy?"), I will answer accurately, but that's it. I know many other people feel differently, but that's how I feel about it. I wish that this pregnancy had made it far enough to have a baby, but I didn't. I think I would honestly torment myself if I followed the other line of thinking. What I'm mostly mourning right now is the loss of a dream and a future.

Your situation is different, so then the answer should depend on several things. Firstly, how was the question asked -- "do you have any children" just as a generic kind of "let's make small talk question" in a casual social setting months down the road? In my case, I would say "no" and leave it at that. I try never to make well-meaning people feel bad, and I realize that announcing the details of your particular situation is going to make most normal feeling people feel horrible, and that probably isn't your intention. I travel a fair amount in parts of the world where the question of "how many babies do you have and where are they" is just normal conversation that women ask other women, and I have always gotten by with 'I have not been so blessed" and leave it at that .

For most other situations, such as people you know better or are having a more in-depth conversation with I would think "we had one and we lost her just after birth" would be appropriate. It acknowledges her existence, and your loss. She was real, no matter how long she lived. And for the busybodies with agendas, it may just make them feel bad, and I have no problem with that.

It is horrible that we even have to think about these things and have to come to boards like these and talk about things no one should have to talk about. I'm sorry for your loss.

SheriKCMO · 05-01-2007, 04:31 PM

If I'm going to know the person for more than a few minutes or one elevator ride or something, I mention "Well, we lost our first, so these two are extra special." Before Duncan was born, if I was asked if I had children I would say that my daughter was born prematurely and was too small to survive. She, too, was a legal citizen like your daughter... 20 weeks is the cutoff, though I really don't know why all live births aren't counted legally. The word miscarriage is also cut off at 20 weeks, after that we either have stillbirths or neonatal deaths in our losses. Mary Catherine was certainly past this point and deserves as much recognition as the next child, though my heart doesn't always feel up to talking about her with every stranger. Some of them really do need to hear it, though, because many people need to be sensitized to others' experiences. It is entirely your choice and can vary by the moment. (((Hugs))) I wish you weren't going through it at all, though!

*~SugarPlums~* · 05-01-2007, 04:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SheriKCMO

If I'm going to know the person for more than a few minutes or one elevator ride or something, I mention "Well, we lost our first, so these two are extra special." Before Duncan was born, if I was asked if I had children I would say that my daughter was born prematurely and was too small to survive. She, too, was a legal citizen like your daughter... 20 weeks is the cutoff, though I really don't know why all live births aren't counted legally. The word miscarriage is also cut off at 20 weeks, after that we either have stillbirths or neonatal deaths in our losses. Mary Catherine was certainly past this point and deserves as much recognition as the next child, though my heart doesn't always feel up to talking about her with every stranger. Some of them really do need to hear it, though, because many people need to be sensitized to others' experiences. It is entirely your choice and can vary by the moment. (((Hugs))) I wish you weren't going through it at all, though!

Hey hun, I was trying to figure out what you meant by 'legal'? Like if it pertains to a legal birth certificate or social sec? Or by the medical standards? Not sure if that is different in every state but mine were born at 18 1/2 weeks and were alive not stillborn. I was issued birth certificates and social security 3's/ card for both.

Kameyan · 05-01-2007, 06:15 PM

So sorry for your loss. It is really complicated. My husband has two children but we do not have any due to endometrial cancer for which I had to have an hysterectomy. Prior to my hysterectomy I was quick to anwser two stepsons but now and I feel guilty, I don't know I am just not feeling like a mom to them. One of his sons is in California with his mom and stepdad and we haven't seen him in two years. She won't let us talk to him. He didn't have any court papers in regard to visitation so there isn't much we do right now. The other doesn't consider me as his mom right now. He is 9 and he is super close with his dad. I sometimes feel like an outsider. I will never have the same mother/son relationship with him. I think it is because this is the first mother's day since the operation. I am torn when folk ask if I am a mother. I think if someone asked when are you going to have children or another I would answer "we aren't doing so right now either because we can't have or don't want anymore, and either way it is personal" that will shut them up. I think how you feel will change over time. I know I do. Sometimes I say I am mother and have gotten mother day cards for the boys before but this year is especially hard just don't feel like a mom. I started crying this past Sunday when my church was dedicating the babies. We do it quarterly and they had pictures of the children with there names posted on the video screen. I bent my head down and had a slient cry. Then there was the time about year when my stepson who we see (9 yr old) asked for the second time if it was ok to call me mom. I told him he could call me whatever he wanted to but like first time he said he thought it might upset his mommy so he would continue call me by my name. However you feel comfortable is how you should handle it.

SheriKCMO · 05-01-2007, 06:16 PM

It must vary by state! I'm glad your twins got birth certificates! Missouri would not have sent them.

*~SugarPlums~* · 05-01-2007, 11:44 PM

I want to make it clear that , in Indiana, they must be born alive in order to get the bc and ssc, if they had been born still, I would have not gotten them. That is sad, though. I often think about if they had been born still , I would have only had my pictures and the things the hospitol gave me. These are just a few more things that make it more meaningful. All states should use the same guidelines. They did however make sure to stamp both with deceased, I believe for identy theft purposes, that was not nice and threw me off a bit. Kinda wanted to smack them in the face.

lovepotato · 05-02-2007, 02:08 AM

I had a stillborn in Ohio and we got a fetal death certificate. Its off the subject, but I know every state is different.

annem84 · 05-02-2007, 05:58 PM

I say we have children but they are up in heaven watching over us.

kerr · 05-09-2007, 11:59 PM

I always tell people that I lost two pregnancies when people ask me if this is our first.

My cousin lost her son at 22 weeks he lived for 2 days in the nicu. (She did go on to have a healthy baby girl preterm at 28 weeks a year later.) I know she is always being asked questions about her first child. You would be suprised how people forget to be more sensitive. We were at a family gathering and my neice and my cousins daughter were playing. My aunt turned around and said well you know how first borns are!( 2 years after she lost her son.) I though my cousin was going to have a anxiety attack. She walked away, I then said to my aunt nicely you need to think about what you say, children in heaven are still your children. She then said that's right I always forget. When people do not experience the loss of a child they do not think before they speak. I hope this helps. Good luck to you