How to broach the subject

uwalcott · 06-29-2008, 10:47 AM

Hi everyone,

I have kind of a weird question. I just found out that my best friend's little sister (19 years old) is 3 months pregnant with a baby that she doesn't want to keep. She is not going to abort, but is pretty sure that she is giving the baby up for adoption. She's not at all happy about the pregnancy although of course you never know how you'll feel later on, once you begin to get attached.

The thing is, I'm 9 weeks along with baby #2 right now but I've had a child with a genetic disorder and a miscarriage caused by another genetic problem. If God forbid anything happens this time and it is due to chromosomes I am done trying for biological children, my husband and I both agree that that would be best. However we are both open to adopting a second child.

So my question is, how do you offer to adopt somebody's baby? I know my best friend's sister but not well. I feel sad that she doesn't want to keep her child but it is best, she is not financially prepared to care for a baby and her parents and the child's father are not supportive. I think the baby would have a good home with us. But it's awkward, how do you bring it up to somebody who is pregnant that you've only met like twice in your life?

Thanks ladies!

~Traci~ · 06-29-2008, 01:49 PM

Maybe talk to your best friend about it? If she's your best friend you could bring it up to her & she what she says. She may be the "go between" since you don't know her sister well.

You would still need an adoption attorney & follow adoption laws for your state but it shouldn't be as complicated or expensive since you know the BM.

Good Luck!
Traci

sazzifrazz · 06-29-2008, 01:56 PM

i would casually mention it to your friend. see what her initial reaction is. if she is positive, ask her if you could call the sister. good luck

uwalcott · 06-29-2008, 02:16 PM

Ya, I thought about doing that, but I guess I am unsure to do it yet because she thinks her sister will change her mind.

I guess I'll wait and see and feel things out.

Thanks girls

lilalouise · 06-29-2008, 03:11 PM

Personally, even if you express interest, I would STRONGLY encourage this young lady to seek counselling from a neutral third party (not even an adoption agency as they will be FAR from neutral). While adoption may seem like a solution for her right now, that may definitely change in time and she needs to know that it is OK to change her mind and have had some help with creating not only an adoption plan, but also a PARENTING plan. At 19, she may not be financially "ready" (who ever is), but there are many resources through the state (WIC, etc) that she may qualify for and these may make the difference between her raising her child or not. WAY too many young ladies place for adoption b/c they don't know what resources are out there for assistance. This is NOT your sole responsibility, but I would want to approach this situation with the UTMOST impartiality with the ultimate goal being what is best for the child AND the mother.

Ok, reading that may seem like I am against adoption... please do NOT think so, in fact I am very PRO adoption, however I believe that TOO many children are relinquished b/c their mothers were not informed completely of their options and (more likely than not) MANY of these women would have made capeable mothers to their children and end up living with a lifetime of heartache and regret.

I really hope that all works out for you and for her... in whatever situation is best. I will be praying for this situation!

Pam

Miss-Meme · 07-03-2008, 12:32 AM

I agree, talk to her sister. Not everyone changes their mind. Our b-mom knew right away that she was going to place her child and she had it in her mind that this was not her child she was carrying.

We did try to talk her into counseling but she did not want it. She knew what she wanted.

3 months is very early and you are carrying a child yourself, so things could go a different way for both of you. What would happen if you go full term and she still wants to place? Would you still adopt?

uwalcott · 07-03-2008, 12:58 AM

No, if we both go full term and she decides to place, I cannot adopt her baby too. I am not financially prepared to handle two infants at once, and I do not have the room. The adoption (sad to say) is really just a back up plan for me.

Miss-Meme · 07-03-2008, 07:49 AM

Then I this point, I don't think you should do anything. You don't want to get her hopes up that she has a plan for her child. Doesn't really seem fair for her to just wait until something happens with your pg.

uwalcott · 07-03-2008, 12:02 PM

Oh no, of course not! I would never tell her anything about it unless I was sure it was what I wanted to do. I brought the subject up to her sister, but told her not to mention anything to the girl as it was still in the "wait and see" stage.

calches · 07-07-2008, 08:19 PM

I want to just just this out there while you are pregnant, you did say that adoption was a backup plan. I personally (this is jmho) don't think that it should be a backup plan. Honestly when ppl would tell me that when we were going through it I wanted to scream. They were like oh if you can ttc, then you'll adopt. Adoption for us has always been an option not a backup plan. If that is how you go about it you are going to get your hopes up.

Miss-Meme · 07-07-2008, 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by calches

I want to just just this out there while you are pregnant, you did say that adoption was a backup plan. I personally (this is jmho) don't think that it should be a backup plan. Honestly when ppl would tell me that when we were going through it I wanted to scream. They were like oh if you can ttc, then you'll adopt. Adoption for us has always been an option not a backup plan. If that is how you go about it you are going to get your hopes up.

I agree. When people say that adoption is their last option it rubs me the wrong way. Like if it's their only choice they'll take it.

We had always talked about adoption. We'd hoped to have a bio child first but God had other plans.

uwalcott · 07-08-2008, 06:28 PM

Well I think u guys took me the wrong way. We were going to adopt anyway if we were not able to have any more bio children, because we want a second child but did not want to deal with multiple miscarriages trying for bio child #2. In no way was I implying that it was a "last resort" or that an adopted child would be any less worthy than a biological one. In fact, assuming this pg goes fine we are still planning to adopt child #3 if we decide to have a third one. This was just an opportunity that presented itself, so to speak. I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

tariana · 07-08-2008, 07:06 PM

I know you already responded, but I would highly encourage you to be very careful inquiring about this baby. There is a great potential to offend, assuming that this girl really even wants to place her baby for adoption. She may change her mind and decide to keep the baby and she has every right to do so.

It just seems like a minefield to me, and one of the major reasons we went through an agency -- someone there to be the middle-man was very valuable to us, and worth the extra cost.

uwalcott · 07-08-2008, 07:30 PM

Yes, and that's why I said I wasn't going to say anything to the girl until both she and I knew for sure. I would love to go through an agency, but in my case, money makes that impossible for me. I have heard that agencies ask for thousands of dollars up front. We struggle financially because we already have a special needs child and neither of us makes very much. We would just love to have a sibling for our DD though, even if we couldn't give them every material advantage there is. I don't know if an agency would even allow me to adopt, since I live in a small apt already with one child. However, I personally know a woman who adopted an abandoned baby (she works at a hospital as a nurse) and it went wonderfully for her.

As to your other concern, of course the girl has the right to change her mind, and actually I hope she does-- in my opinion, the mother should only place if she is ABSOLUTELY sure she is not going to regret it and if she can't take care of the child at all. But if circumstances allow I think the baby would be in a good home with me. I actually wish that I could both have my baby and adopt hers. I would love to have three kids. But two infants at once is just not financially feasible. Maybe someday we can adopt the third, but there is no way we can do two kids now in addition to the baby we have.

I hope this clears up some of the questions my post raised. I know I might have come across as opportunistic--but the way I see it, if the baby is going to be placed anyway and we were considering adoption anyway, then why not?

Miss-Meme · 07-08-2008, 08:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by uwalcott

The adoption (sad to say) is really just a back up plan for me.

I think this gave us that idea!