Okay, I'm sure if this hurts more or just makes me angry: how can the father of the baby just forget it? He told me that he doesn't really think about it that much and over time he will just forget it. Keep in mind we are not together anymore (for many reasons) but still.... you are their father regardless of what I wish I could take back. It shouldn't matter what went on with us, it still happened and it was/is real. Like, I said in my other post.... I feel guilty for giving them a father that thinks that way, and just wants to forget them.
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DD1: March 2006
DD2: January 2008
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I don't know the answer. I think it might partially be because the baby wasn't real to him to begin with. I know that DH didn't feel like a father until he felt Rivi kicking. Of course, I felt like a mommy the second I saw the line on the pregnancy test.
We have this incredible bond with these babies from the moment of conception. I don't think a man could comprehend, or ever try to recreate, that bond. I don't think it means they don't care, I just don't think they can understand.
I'm sorry you think you picked a bad daddy for your babies. But that's how they got here, and they would have been totally different babies with a different father. So he was, in my opinion, the right daddy, even if he's a bit of a jack@ss.
Thinking of you!
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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Thanks Viv.... what you said is EXACTLY it. I don't think he ever got it. He didn't go and see that little heart flickering away on the screen. He just saw it as a problem that "went away" it seems. He never felt that life inside of him and you are right. We are bonded to our babies the minute we see two pink lines.
It just gets to me when he says he just wants to "forget" it. Our baby does not need to be forgotten by their father. The same man that promised me when he found out I was PG that he would do anything for them. Jerk.
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DD1: March 2006
DD2: January 2008
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I'm so sorry {{{{HUGS}}}} I've learned that men show emotion differently & deal w/ their emotions differently. I always wondered & would always get mad at DH for the way he reacted to my pgcy's & m/c's. It was like he didn't care. He explained that it's not that he doesn't care or doesn't remember it's just that his emotions are more inner than mine. Which is completely true. Women are taught to show their emotions, men are taught that crying is "bad" & "wimpy". I don't think it's that the father will forget but he just doesn't show that he remembers, KWIM?
It is true that women are mothers from the BFP. Men on the other hand, need actual "proof". They need to see the baby on u/s, hear the h/b, feel the baby move, & then finally hold the baby. If they don't get to experience all or some of those, it doesn't seem "real" to them.
{{{{HUGS}}}}
I know how tough it can be to try & understand the emotions of men, it took me a long time to understand DH & his emotions & sometimes I still don't...
Traci
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The grief counsellor who runs our support group refers to the level of attachment as a big factor in how we grieve. The early losses just aren't a baby to some fathers. The mother has attachment that he can never comprehend. My husband was definitely an early bonder compared to most men, but our early loss wasn't nearly as bad for him as for me. I agree about needing "proof", something that is apparent to the five senses, before they can be attached as fathers. I hope this helps, because it's something that most of us go through even with the men who stick around.
Good luck with everything,
Sheri
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
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Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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How can the father forget? 
((HUGS)) 
