How can I be here again??

stillhavehope · 03-04-2005, 09:13 PM

Well, there was no heartbeat today at the sono and he measured smaller than the last one. How can this be happening again? Why me again? I guess we all ask that. I waited to tell my dh til Valentine's Day and made a big to do about it all. How will I ever be happy for the next one? I already told dh we aren't telling anyone next time til we are on our way to the hospital. This time we only told a few people that I would really need if anything did happen so at least I don't have that many people to tell now. I am ready to crawl under the covers and not come out again ever. How do I keep from being angry with God when I already am? Please pray for me. Sorry for rambling but I can't think too clearly right now.

Sherry

wishingandhoping · 03-04-2005, 09:18 PM

Sherry,

I"m so sorry for your loss. I know there is not much I can say to make it feel better. I still feel angry at God sometimes. Hugs to you and I'll be praying for you.

Dani

*DannysMom* · 03-04-2005, 09:46 PM

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.

((((Hugs))))

Karen

*pEaNuT* · 03-04-2005, 10:03 PM

I am so sorry for your loss!! ((((HUGS))))

~Traci~ · 03-04-2005, 10:09 PM

{{{{HUGS}}}} I'm so sorry

Traci

*Clarissa* · 03-04-2005, 10:58 PM

I am sorry that you are going through this again. With my first loss, I said why me, what did I do? Then 2 months later, I was there again. Still mad at God for taking my first baby away, I was even madder. And that's okay. It is okay to be mad at God, he understands. It is okay to be mad at everyone and everything. Those that matter will understand. My thoughts and hugs are going out to you tonight. There is nothing that anyone could have said to help me, just knowing that I had support was comforting. I hope that somewhere in you that you are able to find the strength to brave through all of the emotions that come with the loss of a baby. After a while you will look back, and think, how on earth did I ever make it through. I ask myself that all the time.

Big Hugs.

RoxieInPa · 03-06-2005, 12:53 AM

Sherry I am so sorry for your loss {{{HUGS}}} I so know how you feel. I lost my "Bean" on the day you told your DH. If you need anyone to talk to PLEASE mail me. My thoughts are with you and ur DH.

kwannabee · 03-06-2005, 02:08 AM

Sherry...i'm so sorry...

Valentines this year was hard for me too...it was a week after the one year anniversary of losing my girls...i remember thinking i'd never celebrate it ever again...but you celebrate youre baby in your heart...many hugs to you and i wish you some peace and comfort...take care and reach out as much as you need to...it really helps.

SheriKCMO · 03-06-2005, 07:14 AM

I'm so sorry, Sherry. I have spent months not wanting to come out from under the covers. We didn't announce this last pregnancy until the end of the first trimester when I went in for my cerclage and was starting to show. I didn't even post about it on soulcysters until I was at eleven weeks. Losses can really spoil the innocence for the successful ones, but believe me, almost all of us can go on to have healthy babies if we are up for the challenge of taking that risk. I wish that for you when you feel up for it again, but take your time.
Lots of Hugs,
Sheri

stillhavehope · 03-06-2005, 11:37 AM

Thanks for the support and kind words from all of you. I guess I am doing a little better. One of the hardest things is that I stll feel pg. My (.)(.)s still hurt and I am still bloated. I have to wait til Mon for another sono to confirm again that there is no heartbeat before he decides what to do. He was trying to be hopeful and tell me it may be too early but come on. I am a sono tech so I know the real deal. There is a heartbeat with an hcg of 6000. Mine was almost 30000 on Thursday. And I am also 100% on my dates so there is no way I am too early. I had already seen the heartbeat myself and let me tell you from experience that it doesn't beat then stop beating for a while and then start back up again. I already stopped the prog supplements in the hopes that I can do this naturally. I am VERY scared of having a d&c. His body is already shrinking so I hope I can pass everthing and it will be like a heavy af. It is soooo hard walking around with his body still inside me but knowing he is not there anymore. I think I want to try again as soon as we can but I know there is no way to do that til he is gone. Did anyone else have trouble sleeping after they had a m/c? I can go to sleep but I have nightmares and dreams all night. I hope this will go away soon. I don't want to take any sleep aids or anything but I don't feel at all rested when I wake up. I am so glad I can share all of this with you all. I didn't have support like this last time and it took me so long to deal with it all and I hope I will make it through this easier with all of my cysters.

Thanks,
Sherry

CathyWood · 03-06-2005, 05:04 PM

I am so sorry that this is happening. If you want to talk contact me.

Cupiecake · 03-06-2005, 06:35 PM

Sherry,

I am so sorry for your loss. (((HUGS))) It really helps to talk to someone who has gone through the same. Everything was going fine here and then all the sudden no heartbeat.

I know exactly how you feel, I had my D&C on Wed and I still feel Pg. Its horrible. I am coping, but its hard everyday. I burst into tears at random times. I just realized last night that through all of my grief, I never stopped to say a little prayer for the baby who left us. So I did, and that helped me too.

If you do have a D&C, dont worry at all, it was the easiest part of this whole ordeal. It was MUCH easier than I expected and I was completely under for the whole thing. The next day I felt minor soreness and a little bit of cramping, but I could have gone about my daily routine if I wanted to (instead I chose to pop the vicodin my doc gave me, because at the time I didnt think I should have to feel anything after what Ive been through). My doctor told me that it would be better for me than to let it happen naturally, so thats why I chose to do the D&C. but its your choice and everyone is different. I can tell you that for me, I wouldnt be able to take the agony of waiting (it could take a while) and then all the pain of when it did actually happen. The D&C brought this to a conclusion quickly, safely, and with little pain, and now my body can start healing.

I am having trouble sleeping too, even though I'm exhausted. I am hoping that this will go back to normal over time.

Take care of yourself and remember we're here whenever you need someone to talk to.

saluki_fan · 03-06-2005, 10:43 PM

Sherry,

I wanted to answer your question about sleeping. With my first m/c, which took place at 10 weeks (although the baby stopped developing around 6 or 7 weeks) I would wake up at 4 or 5 am and just start crying and sobbing. Poor DH, he would wake up and just hold me. I couldn't make myself go back to sleep and couldn't stop crying. After a few days, that stopped, thank goodness.

I don't remember what happened in January. I think if I had any sleep problems then, I'd remember them, since that was so recent.

I hope and pray I can sleep tonight. We'll see what happens.

VivC · 03-07-2005, 07:18 PM

For a month after Rivi died, I would wake up sobbing hysterically. I wouldn't remember for a second what I was crying for, I would just cry. Then it would hit me and I'd cry even harder for awhile. I promise that it DOES get better. Now I can usually sleep through the night, and sometimes I get to dream about Rivi. Eventually, I hope you have good dreams about your little one.

I'm still angry with God. I've had a talk with Him (when I was calm) to let Him know that I just can't face Him after He took away my dream. When I'm NOT calm, I yell at Him. I'm sure He understands it all, and He'll forgive us.

I don't have any experience with first-trimester losses, but please PM me if you need to vent.