How can I make her understand?

mistysman · 04-02-2004, 04:38 PM

Ok, I have a problem here that really bothers me and I can’t figure out how to make her understand. I don’t mean to sound cliché here but my fiancé and I are truly soul mates. We tell each other everything and can talk about anything. I have always wanted a woman who was an equal partner and that is what she is. We make almost the exact same salary, which is not important just I thought interesting, she is incredibly intelligent, loving and caring. She can make me laugh at the drop of a hat and she is just so fun to be with. She has been through so much in the past and the fact that she can love me like she does amazes me, I don’t know if I could ever be as strong as her as she still has this amazing faith, she has the strongest faith of anyone I have known. We have these debates that last for hours that we both enjoy, I love the fact that she isn’t intimidated when I have a different opinion than hers and she doesn’t get upset at it she takes it as a time for both of us to think about things in different ways. We both want kids very badly and I understand the road that lies ahead and the work that will be involved, and I know it isn’t her fault and in some ways I think that it will make us stronger parents, and if we can’t get pregnant then we both will be thrilled to adopt. But here is where the problem comes in, she is scared of not being able to get pregnant and scared about what could happen if she does, I know her past and understand her fear, I have told her that I will do anything I can to be there for her, but she is so afraid of disappointing me and that really bothers me, how can I make her understand that I am going into this with open eyes and that we are in this together? How do I make her understand that as partners it isn’t up to her to give me everything I want, it is up to us to make to make a life together good and bad? I am so comforted by the knowledge that I couldn’t disappoint her and I so want her to have the same comfort but I don’t know how to make her understand.

Thanks,
Tanner

Mindijean · 04-02-2004, 05:06 PM

I don't know what your fiance's past was like, but here's my take on it...

I was married to a man for 12 years who regularly beat me, put me down, never worked, lied constantly. I got out, met my WONDERFUL DH, and am FINALLY happy. But it took a LONG time to get me to where I am now. Just keep doing whatever it is you're doing and WAIT. The trust and faith will come along eventually.

It takes some time to tear down that wall!

taradon · 04-02-2004, 05:14 PM

Keep telling her how you feel, just as you've told us here in your post. Sometimes repetition is the best way to get your point across.

It sounds like you're both very blessed to have found each other.

mistysman · 04-02-2004, 05:47 PM

Thanks,

She was never in an abusive releationship, in fact her first husband was a good man. She got pregnant with twins with him and one was still born and one only survived 8 days, and less than a year later her husband was killed by a drunk driver, it was incredibly hard on her, understandably. And sometimes she still grieves which makes her feel like she is somehow betraying me, I tell her that it doesn't bother me, which is true it doesn't, I have never been the jelous type, in fact it is one part of why I love her so much because she is so caring and loyal, but she still feels like I must be disappointed in her, I want her to comfort her when she is sad but when it comes to this she feels to guilty to let me. I just wish she would stop thinking I was disappointed in her or that I will be disappointed in her for anything.

Ok, now I sound like a girl LOL (NO OFFENSE MEANT)
Tanner

Chowns · 04-02-2004, 06:10 PM

What a wonderful fiance you are!!! My DH and I are very much like you and Misty. What I have been through is not the same as what Misty has been through (and not an abusive relationship). My DH has been through hell AND high water with me and he's still here (whew! and lucky for me).

I know that at times it's very hard to accept the fact that someone can love you as much as you love Misty. It took a while for me to "get" that my DH was here to stay. I know that telling her seems to be the best way. Perhaps just be there. Don't feel that you need to say anything. Just hold her. Maybe once in a while let her know that you'll listen to anything she wants to tell you, but don't push it.

Trust me, coming from trauma it's hard enough to face what you are going through much less letting someone else in who wants to help. Sometimes we just don't know how to ask for help or how to "let you" help either.

I think it's fantastic that you understand and are patient. Again, I know it's frustrating, but you can't push someone to heal.

You will both be in my prayers. If I can help at all, please PM or email me.

Blessing to you both.

~Chris

KiwiKitten · 04-03-2004, 12:50 AM

You are an amazing man, you know that? Reading what you type about your DF makes me really want to get to know her better. You may just need to give her some time to adjust to being loved the way you do. And you don't sound girly, you sould like my DH

jamim · 04-13-2004, 05:54 PM

Someone point her to this thread - because I am sure if she read this - she would know you are an incredible guy! I think maybe just reassure her that she will not disappoint you - but she needs to not be disappointed with herself. From reading your post - it sounds as if maybe she is just being to hard on herself.

TxHubby · 04-15-2004, 05:37 PM

The most important thing we (as DH's, DF's or DBF's) can do for our ladies is to let them know that we are always going to be there for them & that we will help them through this whole PCOS ordeal. It sounds like you've already accomplished this, but you might just tell her to come on here & read your post...I'm sure that will help her to understand even more, that you're in this for the long haul, with her.

I think, we (as men) tend to want to solve problems for our ladies, but a lot of the time, they don't want us to solve their problems, they just want us to listen to them & relate to them.

Like the others have said, you just have to keep re-affirming what you've already told her, and in time, she will see that what you're saying is honest & real, and then she will be more likely to open up even more to you & let some of her defenses down & not feel like she's going to disappoint you.

I think that might be sort of a common thing, though...I think my DW felt a little like that, at first. I know that it took me awhile to convince her that I wasn't like the other men she had dated, and I wasn't going to leave & never call again, etc. but I think after 4 years of marriage & a beautiful daughter...she should know that I'm not going anywhere now !!

Just keep up the good work & I'm sure that she'll eventually understand that you love her unconditionally & that she couldn't disappoint you !!

alaskangrown · 04-16-2004, 02:47 AM

Ok, first of all I want to thank you all for being so supportive to my DF, it really makes me feel good to know that he also has a place to go for support and understanding, and we all know how absolutely amazing you all are....

Ok, next I have to admit that I havn't been giving my DF nearly enough credit, recent events have really led me to see how increadibly amazing this man is, I thank God every day that he led me to him, he allows me to completely be myself and never condems me for my feelings and always finds ways to validate them, he loves and respects me and I will promise to always try to remember that. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

Misty

AndreaInHouston · 04-16-2004, 02:19 PM

Misty --
WOW -- TWINS and then TRIPLETS??? Amazing! I know you have a brief bit in your signature line about the meds you're on, but what else are you taking? Were both of your pregancies begun with IUIs? Just curious because I saw someone else posted a thread about women with PCOS and the threat of multiples for us....
How are things up in Alaska? Still snowing? My parents are in Montana and Mom said they got some snow today...
Andrea

P.S. I'm sorry for the loses of both your children and your husband -- it almost sounds like too much for one woman to handle! Congratulations on your strength and courage to press on!

P.S.S. OK, post those engagement photos girl -- we want to see the two of you (since you've already teased us about his killer bod)!

Happy Friday!!!!

alaskangrown · 04-16-2004, 03:41 PM

LOL Andrea, boy did you make him blush....The first pregnancy was completely natural, this last one I was on Met and exercising everyday and eating healthy, I had lost a lot of weight and I think the whole combination was what worked. Thank you for your support, it is always appreciated....

....as for photo's I don't have a scanner so I will try to make it to somewhere and get some pics on disc and post them soon.

Misty