How to cope... when you don't feel like it?

Mommyofanangel09 · 08-29-2009, 10:58 PM

I found out my baby had passed at an ultrasound on August 5th and I was 12 weeks. The baby only measured 9 weeks and there was no heartbeat. When only the day before I was at my family dr and he did an exam and my fiance and I heard the heartbeat, the dr said was around 150. Now he says that it wasn't possible. I asked the ultrasound tech if I could have miscarried because I have PCOS and she said no you can't. I just held my tongue because I have read it everywhere that it can. I felt like smacking her in the face. Anyways I got a D&C on the 10th.

Now I still feel horrible, I barely eat, I don't leave my house unless I have to go to the store. I have two other children who I try to be as normal as possible to but it is hard. They know I am hurting. And I know they are hurting too. I have been trying to do fun things with them like watch movies together, go to the zoo and park.

My mother, stepfather, and younger sister tell me I need stop isolating myself but I can't see to get myself out. My mother is mad at me because I don't call her anymore and so is my stepdad. My sister tells me well why don't you just try again. I know she meant well but she doesn't understand. It is an experience that has to be experienced otherwise they don't know what it's like.

Anyways my question is, should I just pretend I am happy so my family stops getting mad at me?? It just feels like they think I should forget my baby died and try again. It was my baby for christ's sake.....

Kate29 · 08-29-2009, 11:30 PM

I've been getting a similar reaction - I have no other kids, so there is no guilt there, but people keep telling me not to worry and they're sure I'll be a mom soon. Right now, that's the last thing on my mind. My babies died. I'm not going to just go get more. It's not like running out of sugar. (No offense meant to those who are able to try again right away. I am frankly amazed by some people's resiliance. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people right now.)

I'm taking more time off work than is strictly appropriate and I really don't care. I'm not going to fake happiness, just because the people around me feel that it should only take a couple of days to get over this. It might not hurt to try to do more things that you enjoy, like hang out with your kids, but do it on your schedule. You might also point out that being lectured by your family makes you less likely to interact with them, not more likely. At least, it would make me feel that way.

I don't know, but you sound like you are feeling a lot like I am. Hopefully, we're both normal. It's funny how some people feel that bullying people will make them happy, isn't it?

Mommyofanangel09 · 08-29-2009, 11:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kate29

I've been getting a similar reaction - I have no other kids, so there is no guilt there, but people keep telling me not to worry and they're sure I'll be a mom soon. Right now, that's the last thing on my mind. My babies died. I'm not going to just go get more. It's not like running out of sugar. (No offense meant to those who are able to try again right away. I am frankly amazed by some people's resiliance. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people right now.)

I'm taking more time off work than is strictly appropriate and I really don't care. I'm not going to fake happiness, just because the people around me feel that it should only take a couple of days to get over this. It might not hurt to try to do more things that you enjoy, like hang out with your kids, but do it on your schedule. You might also point out that being lectured by your family makes you less likely to interact with them, not more likely. At least, it would make me feel that way.

I don't know, but you sound like you are feeling a lot like I am. Hopefully, we're both normal. It's funny how some people feel that bullying people will make them happy, isn't it?

I hate hearing all of that don't worry or with me they say oh well you have kids already or you will have another one soon. I know it's meant to make us feel better but it doesn't. Our baby is gone and no amount of words will make the pain go away. Right now I waiting for AF after my surgery, and am tracking my temps just to see if I O. I am not really trying but I am not preventing it right now either. I want another baby so bad but I can't stop thinking about the one I lost.

I really should tell my family that they are only causing me to retreat further from them...

Yeah, I hope we are normal too. I do think that I am depressed and I will be telling the dr about it to make sure I don't get any worse.

It is funny. It's like you should be happy because I said so. I don't understand it...

kwannabee · 08-30-2009, 10:19 AM

for weeks, WEEKS, after i lost my aimee and dana...it took every ounce of energy just to put my feet on the floor in the morning.

I cried, lounged around with a box of kleenex, talked to people if they called me but otherwise stuck to myself. When my son needed me to make him a peanut butter sandwich one morning, it was the first time i'd gotten off the couch in hours, and probably, it was the beginning of moving forward. But it took time.

You need to take the time needed to grieve for your baby. Your baby deserves no less from you. You are a mommy and every mommy loves their baby, and misses them when they are gone. You;re no different.

Everyone else will deal with things their way...thats not your concern. You and daddy, and your children, it what YOU do as a family that counts. Dont worry about anybody else.

Take care, and soon the sun will shine again. Promise.

Mommyofanangel09 · 08-30-2009, 04:52 PM

Thank you!

That does make me feel a little better.

SheriKCMO · 08-30-2009, 07:13 PM

I totally agree with Kim. This is very early, and you will feel more like getting back to the business of living when the time is right for YOU. Your family will still be there waiting for you. They are probably just worried and have no clue what to say or do. Can you ask them to watch your kids for you so you can have a little time alone? Good luck!

I'm so sorry for your loss!

dstaiger · 09-01-2009, 11:33 PM

i'm so sorry for your loss.
you both are normal. this is hard. it's been months and i still cry. i just hid at first, i couldnt be bothered with anyone. i hardly even spoke to DH except to cry on his shoulder. it was a full month until i had my first good day. almost that long until i was able to talk about it without breaking down into tears.
worse yet was how everyone pretended like it never happened. like i was never pg, like he was never born. sometimes i just want to scream.
isaac died april 21st, and although i have conceived again i still cry. i still miss him. i dont know if i'll ever be the same as i was before, but i know i've lost some of the excitement with this pgy. i'm worried all the time that i'll go into labor again.
no one will understand unless they've been there. thats why i feel more at home on this board than on the pregnancy board. your family doesn't know what you need and never will if you dont tell them.
i'm gonna repeat kim. you are a mommy, you love your baby, and you miss your baby. i'm sorry you have to do this, and i'm sorry that only time will make it bearable.

lilredheadgirl · 09-02-2009, 03:03 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I agree with the other posters here. You need and deserve to grieve, and on your own time. Don't feel guilty or apologize for that. But also give your family the benefit of the doubt, and believe that they are trying to help and just don't know how.

After we lost our daughter, DH and I met with a counselor who gave us some advice about when well-meaning people say hurtful things. She said that if people you are close to are being unhelpful when they're trying to help, say so. Feel free to respond with "I know you're trying to help, but it's not helpful when you say that, because..." or something to that effect. It may not be appropriate for every passing acquaintance, but your family will always be there and they do mean well. So help them understand, and in turn they will be better able to help you. Which is what they want to do, I'm sure of it.

Jlynn329 · 09-07-2009, 09:30 PM

I know, I feel the same way...people keep telling me the oh, im sure you will be a mom one day...
I went to the doctors to confirm my pregnancy, I of course was a ball of nerves because I just had a m/c in Nov. She says "im sure everything will be fine this time"...the next day I started to m/c. Its been almost 3 wks, and I still dont feel like me. I dont feel like faking happy.
My boss said she noticed my mood is different and hoped after my mini vacation I would come back feeling better...um I have to go to work tomorrow...and I still dont feel like being there, or being happy. As a nurse, I listen to others problems and I feel like Im dying inside.