I'm coming to you because I need your advice. I need help with how to deal with a friend of mine. When we met, we had just hired her at our office and I was training her. I month later I came into work and she was crying, I asked her and she told me that had tried to get pg for a while and that she needs to do IVF and was afraid she'd never get pg. She told me more info then she gave her family, and from there we were best friends. In Nov. she got pg. In Feb. I got pregnant. It was great, we were going through this pregnancy journey together. That's all we talked about. She was due in July and I was due in Nov. I went to her babyshower and I planned her babyshower here at work. She had her son in July and I was so happy for her. She had gotten the one thing in life she wanted so desperately. She was planning on coming back into work on Sept. 10 and I was excited to have her back. On Aug. 16 my son was born asleep. She came up the day I was admitted to the hospital. She was one of the first 3 phone calls I made. She told work for me and gave them information on the funeral arrangements. She attended the funeral with all our other friends from work. But since then, I have a hard talking to her. I find myself putting her call to voicemail and ignoring it. I am happy for her, but at the same time I am jealous of her. She has the one thing in life that I so desperately want. She keeps trying to reach out to me and I just don't know what to say to her. Please help me. What should I do???
Laura
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I think your feelings are quite normal. Your pain is still new, and I hope you are talking to someone about what you're going through. Have you at least spoken to her to tell he why you're not talking to her much at the moment? If she's a good friend, she'll understand, but if it's at all possible you should at least explain what you're feeling.
I consider myself lucky, as I never got to the stage where I couldn't be around those with children. I had to wait a week for my D&C, and in the waiting period a friend came to town who had just adopted a baby from China, and all the conversation centered around was baby, baby, baby. He didn't know about my m/c, and I was surprisingly okay with the conversation. My first day back at work after my D&C was family day, and my work colleagues had all these little kids around. I broke down on my way in to the building as people were walking up with little children, but about 20 minutes later, one little girl of a colleague of mine just came up to me and gave me a huge hug. I still don't know why she did it -- we'd only met once or twice before -- but I was fine after that. It's almost as if she knew what I needed.
I can understand that you might feel like you don't want to, but perhaps if you can talk to your friend and go hold her baby, it might not be as bad as you think. Or it could be horrible. But it's the unknown at this point, and I have always found that facing the unknown and making it known is better. I have never found a time where what I actually experienced was worse than the fear I had before I did it.
I wish I had an easy answer to make the pain go away.
I think you need to be honest with her and tell her the truth. Tell her you are going through a really rough time right now and being that you 2 shared something so similar in commo, your finding it really hard to see her. Tell her how grateful you are for her freindship but that you just need some time to greive.
Sorry about your loss.
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Sunshine: I just want to give you a big hug too. Please accept her; she wants to be there for you and feels so sad. Be honest. Tell her that you'd like to see her but maybe without the baby for awhile. She'll understand. Talk about Dylan. Show her his pics. Show her his room. Cry together. She sounds like a good friend. Don't let her fizzle away. Have a heart-to-heart. <>
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I think right now your grief is just too raw to be ready to cope with your friend - I agree with the others and think that maybe you should talk to her. Even just send her a quick e-mail, something to the effect of "Got your voicemail, thanks for calling" and a quick explanation that you're facing a difficult time and feel like you need some time alone right now.
One of my best friends and I both started TTC at the same time last fall. And surprise! We both got pg right at the same time and even had due dates within a week of each other. What a dream, right? Unfortunately, I had a m/c at 8 wks. After that happened, it was too hard to talk to my friend for a while. Our friends were leaving her cute notes about her growing belly and morning sickness on her blog/myspace page, and I was at home feeling isolated and oh so sad. With time, it got better, but it still is hard. Now she has a newborn at home and when we talk, our conversations are filled with talks of late-night feedings, diaper woes, and sore bbs. I keep thinking about how unfair it seems - she is holding her baby and I am still taking Clomid, visiting doctors, getting sick from meds, and watching the calendar go by. But at the same time, I know she is a great friend and I try to continue to be a good friend to her while protecting myself and my needs. I think you have to balance the pain that you're feeling right now (and might always feel around her) with the fact that in a year from now, when you have had time to heal and grieve, you might really appreciate the friendship. If you can, try to create a buffer right now for yourself, but if it is a good friendship, then try to hold onto it for your own sake. And if she is a good friend, she'll understand.
__________________ Nicole (32)+ DH (33) Married June 4, 2000 my blog! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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I had a lot of trouble talking to my sister (who had a baby a week after I had Eric) and my cousin (who was due at the same time). I was kind of mean to my cousin. I feel bad about that, but I just couldn't be around her. I was so jealous. I did see my niece when she about a month old. I just couldn't imagine not being part of her life, and I wanted to be able to remember her as a baby. It still breaks my heart a little to see my niece and cousin though. It always will.
I agree with Cheereeo. I talked about Eric all the time. I still do. I think it helped me make him a part of my life still, even though he's not here anymore.
I think an email is easier to write than a phone call right now. I had a hard time getting difficult words out of my mouth without crying that first couple of months. Try to make things easy for YOU, that's what your friend would want. I would suggest something like "Little babies and parents of little babies are breaking my heart right now, and I need some time to think only about Dylan. I am still very happy for you but obviously crushed by our loss, and it is hard to separate what we once shared so happily. Please be patient for me, and I will call you or write again in a few weeks." What do you think? It's not your friend's feelings that are in such a sad state right now, but a little courtesy like this will go a long way toward her energy for being your friend later. I hope something works out! (((Hugs)))
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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I think thats the hardest part of experiencing a loss.....trying to grieve and not apologize for teh feelings that come with the loss....
Sunshine....give it time...your friend will understand. My husbands aunt gave birth two days before i loss my son....she is also my GOD daughter....it took months before i could pick her up....and still i look at her and feel pain. While others forget....you never forget and simple gestures bring it back.
Something will never be the same....some people dont want to accept that. There are some people i will never be close to again....and I am ok with that now....
Sunshine...does your hospital have a support group for your loss? I attend group and it did wonders for me....talking with women who knew my thoughts and heartache allowed me to be normal around others...
How to deal with a friend 
