How do I approach adopting a family memebers child?

jthoman · 03-31-2009, 10:30 AM

I have a 10 year old cousin. My uncle, her dad, committed suicide last february after he found out he had cancer for the 3rd time. She was really close with her dad. He had a son from a previous marriage whom he never really got to see after age four, so when he had my cousin, she was his little girl. He had been sick off and on since she was one year old. He also had a lot of mental issues.

Her mom had 3 kids by age 19, was married to an abusive man and divorced before her youngest turned 2. That's when she met my uncle. They lived together for quite a while before my cousin was born and got married when she was a year and a half. She was on meds for a long time for depression and it has since come out that she is bi-polar. Her family leaves a lot to be desired and her parents are in poor health, so none of them can help her with my cousin. They never had a lot of money and didn't work regular, they inherited my grandparents house but had to take out a loan for the difference of the inheritance to my mom and aunt. When they moved because the neighbors were complaining too much, they bought a house only a few miles from me. After my uncle died in that house, the kids and such didn't want to go back there and it was going to be foreclosed on eventually. My parents built a house near theirs for her to rent to raise the two younger kids as the other two are over 18. my aunt has already broken many conditions of her lease from my parents and they want to kick her out, but I think something needs to be done for my cousin first.

I'm sure she has no health insurance, there are at least 3 adults living in the house that smoke around her, they don't work on a regular basis, she is around her mom's boyfriend alone I am almost certain (and we don't know him, so who knows what he could do), it's pure chaos. She's been held back in school, and the social security for her is being spent to pay all of the bills for the bums living there. She spends a lot of time with her 19 yo brother who has totaled at least 5 vehicles in the last year. It's only a matter of time before he is in an accident with her. He's also been caught for DUI and lost his job.

Anyway, I think I can provide so much more for her. I've been married for 7+ years, we just had our first baby a little over 7 months ago, we are in the process of building a new home and will have a spare bedroom. She would be going to the same school she had attended all but the last year. She would get so much more attention and guidance and help with her school and just have a more stable family environment. We would put her social security away for her future and not blow it.

How do you think we can approach my aunt about getting custody and what suggestions for a custody agreement can you offer?

ProudPCOMom · 03-31-2009, 03:38 PM

Sounds like a very difficult decision, especially since this is family. I would be reluctant to bring adoption up to her Mom.

I would probably start by offering to let the cousin spend some weekends at your house. Invite her for a trip to the park (or amusement park), vacation, sleepover after a movie-night, etc. This would give her Mom a break to do what she wants. Try to be more like a very involved Big Sister. Offer to take her to school the Monday after the weekends that she stays with you - make it easy for her Mom to allow you to spend time with her.

Slowly encourage her Mom to get her on State Insurance. I know in my state, there are programs through Medicaid that can help with children's health insurance at little or no cost. Offer to help take your cousin to the DR for check-ups and other visits. Be a moral support for Mom. I wouldn't mention the SSI benefits or you'll likely get into an arguement with the Mom and you won't have access to help your cousin at all.

If your parents evict them, offer to take your cousin in so that she can remain in a school she has already attended. At that point, I would ask for legal documentation that you have some rights to have her in your custody, enroll her in school, and take her to necessary DR visits (make sure she can be on Insurance, find out what you would need to do to put her onto your insurance - you may need some type of guardianship to do this). Be prepared to allow her Mom to visit her whenever she wants, but don't offer to allow Mom to stay too.

If CPS is ever involved, make sure to let the authorities know that you would accept her as a relative placement.

I would consider this an 'eggshell' situation, tread lightly and always with your cousin's best interests at heart. Even if adoption never happens.

Susan

Stelladot_KKE · 04-09-2009, 01:55 PM

I completely agree with Susan. Please also understand, that most people don't think they're bad parents (even when it's glaringly obvious to the rest of humanity). I would agree that maybe at this point, a Big Sister relationship is your best way to go to make a positive difference in this little girl's life.

And honestly, if you do try for custody of your cousin, be prepared to have that destroy your relationship with your aunt. I do agree that that home doesn't sound like a great place for a child, but aside from maybe the secondhand smoke and the hanging around with a teenage alkie, I'm not sure I'm hearing enough to merit complaints to CPS.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Your cousin is a lucky little girl to have you in her corner.

YouLoveCindy · 05-04-2009, 05:42 AM

Good Luck!

jthoman · 05-08-2009, 01:54 PM

I doubt that I will be seeing my cousin any more. They were living in a house renting from my parents, but the mother wants to "move on" and they are leaving this month. She is avoiding our family like the plague and I haven't been able to reach her. I'm sad about this because I know that my cousin will not have it easy and till she is done her social security money will all be gone. If she was with us, i would put it into savings for her college, not use it to pay all the bills like her mother does.

kimmy-ki · 05-09-2009, 03:05 PM

That is very sad news! My heart breaks for your cousin... Hoping you can figure out some way to remain in her life, even though it sounds incredibly complicated given the circumstances.

jthoman · 05-19-2009, 12:05 PM

I saw my cousin over the weekend and showed her our new house that we are building. It's currently 3 bedroom and I only have one child so I told her that the other bedroom is empty, so if she ever wants to live me with she can. It has a walk-in closet and she just thought it was the coolest. Before we left, I mentioned that I have a pine tree that I need to plant that my in-laws bought for my daughter so it could grow with her. My cousin said she has a tree that she got from school for earth day. I told her we could plant it here for her and she could see it when she visits. Then she said if she moves in she could see it every day. They have already moved from the house that they rent from my parents, but she doesn't get enough sleep during the school week that she is exhausted anytime she comes to my parents on the weekend and she usually hasn't showered all week either. She's tired of eating at mcdonalds because that is what they have for dinner every night. I really wish she could understand how much better she could have it living with us. I don't know if she will bring it up to her mom or not. She will be changing schools again in the fall. This will be the third school and she's only in 4th grade.

Fleegle4 · 05-27-2009, 10:43 PM

I know you really, really want to do well by your cousin and have her best interests at heart. I would be very careful, though, about putting her in the middle -- do not try to make a ten-year-old "understand how much better she could have it" living with you. She probably does, but she's a kid and it's not her job to figure this out. It's not her job to negotiate with her mother and lobby to live with you. Who knows what the mother would do?

Have you spoken with a counselor at her school? They might be able to figure out if they have seen signs of neglect that warrant calling in social services.

vlmcneely · 06-08-2009, 12:26 AM

jthoman, I am in a family situation as well. My 17 year old cousin just found out she is pregnant. Her mom and sisters have been telling her to have an abortion. I told my aunt to tell my cousin not to have an abortion and to let me adopt the baby. My aunt said my cousin would think about it. I think if my cousin decides to not have an abortion she will keep the baby. Do you think that I shouldn't offer to adopt the baby since we are related?? I haven't seen my cousin in probably a year or so and she lives (10) miles away.

Athletic Cyster · 06-08-2009, 12:34 AM

Jthoman, any updates on this situation? I hope all is well for you and especially for your cousin.

jthoman · 06-08-2009, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vlmcneely

jthoman, I am in a family situation as well. My 17 year old cousin just found out she is pregnant. Her mom and sisters have been telling her to have an abortion. I told my aunt to tell my cousin not to have an abortion and to let me adopt the baby. My aunt said my cousin would think about it. I think if my cousin decides to not have an abortion she will keep the baby. Do you think that I shouldn't offer to adopt the baby since we are related?? I haven't seen my cousin in probably a year or so and she lives (10) miles away.

offer to adopt if you want to. My cousin that I have referenced has a half sister who had a baby at 18 and was preggo with another at 19 but lost at 20 weeks. My DH was not interested in adopting or I would have offered to adopt both of her babies, but I doubt that she would have given them up because she is using the one she has as a paycheck. I say go for it!

AFM I have not seen my cousin since memorial day weekend and don't expect to see her much from now on. They have now moved into a house that my dad thinks should have been condemned years ago because it has been in rough shape for more than 2 decades. They had done a lot of work to the place prior to moving, but it was probably not safe for her to be their during renovations. After spending that time with her over the holiday weekend, I am beginning to wonder if I can handle taking on dealing with her mother and half siblings if she was living with me. I think it would be a great source of stress. At least I have extended the invitation and if she becomes too unhappy she has my phone number. Her mom has no problem letting her kids move out underage as her 16 year old is living with her 21 yo bf and his parents.

Thanks for asking.

Naymarie · 06-11-2009, 06:26 PM

Family.... family always gets sticky. I have a sister, who I know tries hard at least most of the time. The bad part is she has 3 kids, but only tells 2 of them that she loves them etc. The middle child gets the shaft big time. The middle child, however is the one that is straight As and is in as much stuff as she can be (She runs 5k a day and is only 10). But... once again it is sticky...

She is obviously using the little girl's SS$ for her paycheck and to support habits - that in it's self is called Financial Abuse and since the child is a minor (At least in this state) it is a very serious crime since she's a vulnerable individual. I wouldn't just "call" CPS I would go into your county (call ahead for an appt) and tell them that you need to have a private discussion with a case worker and let them know that there is neglect and financial abuse going on. I know that they may not be able to do anything about it but a lot of time there can be someone who becomes the "middle man" persay and will be able to look out for the child's best interest. To get a person's parental custody withdrawn or removed isn't an easy task. There has to be several issues and CPS has to be involved. The child would then go into foster care if they (CPS) choose to take her out of the home. Sometimes, if someone in the imm. fam wants the child bad enough, the county will help you get through foster parent classes... but then both parents have to be on board with this idea and there are a lot of inspections and what not. Just know that it's not an easy or comfortable road. You will probably cry floods of tears and be so angry at various points in time that you feel like giving up. Keep your head up, talk it over with DH, your mom, and any other siblings to your uncle to see if they are all okay with things. Lets just say that I know first hand how easily a family can get torn apart even when it's for the greater good.... trust can be lost much faster than built or gained!

Good luck and many thoughts/prayers for you and your family!

mzb · 06-11-2009, 06:58 PM

Just kind of talk to the mom and ask her about getting custody and let her know that the girl will be in a much better and stable environment with you. Let her know that she will still be able to see her but you just want her to get herself together before the daughter is hurt in all of this.

Allic409 · 07-06-2009, 09:04 PM

Not sure if any developments have occurred, but if this girl is not being taken care of (the 10 year old), it sounds like the aunt views her as a burden. She might be thankful (as sad as that is) to have you offer to take her off her hands. Maybe suggest it as "there is a great school in the district with our house, maybe cousin could try it out this year?" If this girl is getting McDonalds, no showers, no sleep and second-hand smoke, she sounds like an afterthought. Your aunt would probably be relieved. Good Luck!