after a year of ttc, i had only produced one follicle a year ago on clomid, and then never responded to clomid again. we moved onto injectables and did them for 28 days straight with no response. my dh and i at that time started to wonder if us conceiving was not the path that we were supposed to be one. we then decided to just "try" one more injectable round, and then persue adoption. well this "last try" produced 5-8 big follies and we went ahead with the iui. it was a long 2ww, but i received great news, that i was pregnant! i was in total bliss, my hcg #'s were climbing fast, they thought that it was probably twins! we were so excited and happier than i thought i ever could be. then one horrible mon morning, i thought i was having gas pains and went to the bathroom only to find a light amount of blood. i went straight to me RE, where they checked my hcg and it was still high, so i was sent home. i layed there on our couch, and the same intuition that told me i was pg before the dr confirmed, was also telling me that i was not. a hcg test in the er a few days later confimed that. we had lost our precious babies. to make matters worse my sister in law had moved into her 2nd trimester, which puts us and my parents in law in a very difficult situation. when i finally returned to work i was hit with the news that one of my co-workers had just found out that she is pregnant, and exactly as far along as i should have been. at this same time another co-worker lost her mother. and i couldn't believe the outpouring of sympathy to her. i felt so bad to feel jealous of her loss, but i never received any support from the company (it is a small company of 25 people) hugs or anything, i was just avioded by people who i thought were my friends. i wanted the closure that she got, she got to say goodbye and be there, i never even saw their beautiful faces or to tell them that i loved them. a week passed and i was doing better, but the ache in my heart is still killing me, but i was mechanically living my life. when my newly pg coworker hit me with more news, she is having twins! i mean what are the chances with that, how do i go into work every day knowing that she is pregnant with twins and only 1 day further along than i should be with my precious babies? all i hear now is how she doesn't know what she's going to do with 2 at once, and that she didn't even plan on being pg. we work very close together and i just can't get away from it. my hands won't stop shaking, i think i'm having panic attacks and i still can't stop crying, and it's been almost a month.
i'm sorry this is so long, but i just had to get this out, i just don't know how to let them go, or if i can even handle this again. we were prepared to move on to another wonderful journey if this round didn't produce any follies, but with such a great response (i would never trade my week of total bliss for anything) we're finding it hard to believe that we are meant to stay on this path of ttc. i just don't know what to do anymore, i've always been the strong person in my family and no one knows what to do.
thank you for listening.
jen
__________________ jen-28 & jason-30 (hee hee)
2 babies born into heaven 10/25/04 5 weeks and 1 day gestation
2 furrbabies cagney (5yr ger shep/heeler) and Rayne(2yr rottie)
meds: met 850mg three times daily
progesterone
4 rounds clomid, no O
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I'm Joey Tribbiani from Friends!
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1 round injectable bravelle for 28 days and no O
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I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
>eyebrows.
> -Janette Barber
A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug.
Patricia Neal
Jen,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know kinda how you feel i M/c this week and i have to deal with a friend that has a 1 yr old and is due again next month and she didnt even want Kids
Jen,
((Major Hugs))
Your feelings are so familiar around here! Don't feel like you aren't dealing well, because you are. We need to get this out before we can find our own version of closure. It does take time, though, because support from the outside is nearly nonexistant. We mothers are the ones who "know" we are pregnant, like you said, and we feel responsible for the little ones (which we are to a certain extent, but we really can't do anything to prevent these losses). My point is that we are the ones who become most attached to them, and we therefor are the ones who grieve the most. No one who has not been there can truly understand. And infertility just makes the situation more excruciating.
Take time, if you need it, to work on your feelings about this pregnancy before moving forward with another cycle. But when you are ready, you'll know. And it sounds like you responded really well, so take good care of yourself physically between now and then to help out the meds, okay? One of these days soon, we'll be seeing you over on the pg board, and you can ignore all of those other women and their big bumps.
I wish you peace,
Sheri
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
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Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Wishing you peace and answers to your questions once you've had time to grieve. Hang in there.
Aviva
__________________ Erica -38, To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. DH Sandy-38
Dx PCOS/IR since I was 18, on 2000mg metformin XR.
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Jen,
I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm so sorry you have to go through this...that any of us had to. The days are so painful at first, but in time the hurt eases. I don't think it ever really goes away, but there is peace and comfort to be found. Take care of yourself. I know it's hard to be around coworkers that don't understand. I know having a m/c was the hardest thing I ever faced b/c I felt like I went through it w/ little support from my friends. As Sheri said, no one grieves like us mommies. They were a part of us and living inside of us, but they will also always be a part of us. I pray that you will find comfort and peace. We're all hear to listen whenever you need it.
Karla
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Karla 37, DH 35, DS 2
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i wanted to thank all of you for you helpful words. i still am not sure how i am going to deal with my coworker and watch her go through the same things with her twins that i should be, but knowing that there is such support here, lets me know that i will make it. i saw a counselor today provided by the hospital, and she was wonderful and was one of the first people to acknowledge that i have lost two babies, and that all that i'm feeling is perfectly normal. i had no idea that other women wake up with aching arms following a miscarriage, i thought i was truley losing it. i wish the best for all of you, and hopefully we'll all see each other on the mommy boards.
baby dust to all,
jen
__________________ jen-28 & jason-30 (hee hee)
2 babies born into heaven 10/25/04 5 weeks and 1 day gestation
2 furrbabies cagney (5yr ger shep/heeler) and Rayne(2yr rottie)
meds: met 850mg three times daily
progesterone
4 rounds clomid, no O
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I'm Joey Tribbiani from Friends!
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1 round injectable bravelle for 28 days and no O
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I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray
>eyebrows.
> -Janette Barber
A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug.
Patricia Neal
Hi Jen,
Just read your message and am new to responding on the boards. I miscarried last week and have so many people around me that are pregnant right now, including a close work colleague who when I went back to work yesterday did not even mention what had happened. I was told by a mutual friend that she was finding it hard knowing what my husband and I have been going through...but still couldn't bring herself to say anything about it.
It's tough but hang in there. I have found reading through the message boards so helpful and supportive, believe that you ahve support here and contact me if you wish.
Kate x
After I lost my daugter, it took me a couple of months to see a pregnant woman and realize that I wasn't in that club anymore. That really hurt. After that, I spent several months seeing pregnant women and immediately assuming that they would lose the baby one way or another. After that, when I was getting jealous as almost all of us do during the healing process, I tried to keep in mind all that they might have gone through to get their babies and everything that they might be going through in their lives that I don't have to deal with. Some might have lost a sister or brother, some might need this baby to comfort them in some other way, etc. Someone would have to be crazy to be jealous of me right now, for example, because I don't separate the journey from the pregnancy, and losing a child is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Excruciating emotional pain combined with pregnancy is no fun.
I just wanted to shed a little light on this subject from a different perspective. Those women are going to be around us, and we need to find a way to deal with them while we are hurting. Sometimes just spelling it out to them can help. "I like you and am happy for your success, but I am grieving my twins and find it impossible right now to hear about yours." for example. Maybe she would be more distant for a while as you cope.
Best wishes,
Sheri
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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I know how awful you feel right now, and I wish I could make you feel better. Since I can't, I'm sending cyber-hugs!
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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how do i deal with all of this????? 
