how do I move on?

TabbySama · 06-23-2009, 08:56 PM

We lost our son through a D&E on 10/31/2008. I was 18wks along. He had spinabifida so severely that he was brain dead and the only reason he was alive and growing was that he was attached to me. My husband doesn't want to try again for another couple of years yet and I desperately want to. I am reminded of my loss everyday as my sister was only a week behind me in her pregnancy. While she did deliver 6 wks prematurely, her daughter came out perfect. When the two of us ended up pregnant, my sisters baby is the one that everyone worried about. My sister has diabetes (type 2), a seizure disorder (thought to be brought on by drug abuse), she doesn't work, the baby's daddy doesn't work much, all three of them squat at my mothers house and pretty much get by doing as little as possible. While my husband and I both work, he goes to school, we have an apartment, cars, etc! I can't help but think, while I love my neice to pieces, that if it had to be one of them, statistically it should have been her. And I feel like a terrible person for thinking that. On top of that, my niece's baby's daddy's sister had a son a couple weeks before she was born. I can't help but wonder why these scum of the earth type people are able/allowed to have children, but mine is taken away.
On top of everything, my cycle won't normalize. I think I'm bled more since the D&E than I did in the 3 years prior to concieving. I currently have been bleeding normal to heavy for 3+wks and was spotting/light flow 3+wks before that. I currently am uninsured until august and I wish I would just stop bleeding!

4evryng · 06-24-2009, 12:31 AM

So sorry...sometimes things just don't make sense and we can't explain them but I know how you feel I had the same thing happen to me when I m/c with my brother's girlfriend of 2 months!!!

AnotherDreamer · 06-24-2009, 01:33 AM

I am so very sorry for your loss (*hugs*) Grief takes awhile to sort itself out. I know that they say there are stages, but there really aren't. You go all over the place.

I will say that I think that waiting to try again, until you can both work through the grief, will probably be for the best. I completely understand the desire to start trying again, I do, but it sounds like he's just not ready to move on yet. And probably it's because of the fear of something like your loss happening again, and what it did to you, to him, and the devastation it caused you as a couple. Try sitting down and talking to him about it sometime soon, have a heart to heart.

Uninsured or not, I do recommend seeing a doctor. If you've been bleeding for 3 weeks then something is up. They may put you on BCP for a month, or two, or even progesterone therapy... but bleeding for that long isn't normal hun. It can cause health complications with your iron level...

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself hun (*hugs*)

dstaiger · 06-24-2009, 07:18 PM

tabby, i'm so sorry your life is in turmoil. this is supposed to get easier but i dont know when. i dont when i'll see a pregnant woman and not instantly hate her. i dont know when i'll stop crying at every sad song, or when i'll put these u/s pictures away.
what i do know is its normal to be out of sorts. we've suffered a tragedy. your son lives on in your heart. he's touched your life and you wont ever be the same.
celebrate your love for him, cherish your family, and try to be happy with the person you are now.
that's my strategy for surviving and i've found some happiness. i have memories of my son and hope for the future.
i wish you peace in your heart and i'm sorry for your loss.
dianna

sherlynn · 06-26-2009, 02:26 PM

I am so sorry for your loss.. the pain is so intense and what your feeling is so normal, you are not a bad person for thinking the way you do, it is so unfair sometimes. As far as trying again I found that my DH was more concerned about y ability to keep handling the stress and sadness. So I had to explain that although the grief is horrible at time the grief of not having a child is worse. I hope this helps..

wish'n4amrcle · 06-26-2009, 02:57 PM

Hi! I am sorry for your loss. I am in the same boat as you. I got pregnant in March but did not find out until I went to the fertility doctor (for our 1st visit) and they did a sonogram and there on the screen was my angel. I miscarried on the 1st of May. I was so excited becuase my sister in law was going to have her baby in Sept., my husband's cousin in Sept., my friend at work Nov., my best friend Nov., my cousin Nov., just found out my old friend Feb.. It is a terrible feeling having all of these people having babies that some of them do not really want and are not excited about. It makes me sick and I find myself sometimes stuck and hoping that they are put through the same situation as me so that I am not the only one amonst so many. I changed my diet which led to me concieving in March because I was pretty much told that I would never concieve. I have kept up with the diet and find myself obsessing cause I do not want to be the baby's aunt or the baby's friend I want to be there mother. I am sorry to just unload on you I just like knowing that I am not the only one out there who has all of these preggos and nothing going on for me.

Precious Angel: May 1, 2009 6 weeks 2 days

SheriKCMO · 06-28-2009, 12:01 AM

(((((Hugs)))))
Grief is very hard work. And men do it very differently and much more slowly than we do. I hope the two of you can try again after your cycles get figured out and you have insurance. I wish I had waited a year to try again, but I was losing my mind and had to try. Powerful grief and pregnancy hormones are tough to get through. Whenever your next chance comes along, I hope that things go very smoothly! I'm so sorry about your loss.

kwannabee · 06-28-2009, 12:42 PM

How tragic...i'm so sorry what a terrible situation to be in. I just 'celebrated' i guess you could call it, my 5th due date anniversary...the day my girls should have been born, not the date they actually were born and died. It was hard, but for the first time i didnt come on and say anything...to me that in itself was a way of 'moving on'...although i guess here i am doing it anyway...

anyway, give your dh some time to grieve and process his own emotions...he's probably been too busy dealing with yours to really focus on his. Then bring it up again, when his every waking thought isnt trying to make it better for you.

My dh absolutely refused to try again, and when he finally did it was with conditions...that may seem harsh but in his way he was trying to protect me...and himself...from another tragedy. We had one and only one chance to try again...financially and emotionally...and by golly Logan was worth every second of the constant stratagizing and pre-planning...theres no denying though...it was hard. But so worth it.

Good luck and best wishes...