How do you all deal with not so nice pple?

Eeyorescloud · 03-30-2005, 01:20 AM

I have a question. My husband and I loss our child(from a m/c). Our family and freinds are far from supportive. It has been a while. I still havent been able to cope this but every time my mother in law sees me she gives me @#$# about how I killed her grandchild. (The doctor told me I did nothing wrong) I try to be understanding but I dont know how to cope with things. My freinds could care less about my feelings and are more worried about their lives than me. They keep telling me oh dont worry you will have another kid soon. I think they are missing the point or am i too upset or selfish? How do i deal with this junk and all of the other feelings I am dealing with and ruin any relationships in the process.

Juana Baby · 03-30-2005, 01:22 AM

Big hugs to you. Hang in there.

laural

Esmeralda0328 · 03-30-2005, 02:37 AM

When people say something that crumby to you it's because they aren't that happy to begin with. There's no easy way to deal with it, just to try to understand that maybe in a very stupid way...this is their way of dealing with that hurt. People today sometimes are so uninvolved because they are afraid to get involved and after a miscarriage you need lots of support and love. I'm sorry you aren't getting it from some of those around you....you deserve it. ((hugs))

Tetley · 03-30-2005, 09:30 AM

This is the time when you need to be selfish and think of yourself. You've been through a horrible experience. Sadly, we don't all get the support we think we are going to get from family and friends. Your MIL sounds a right cow. Sorry but she does. She's making things far worse for you and the time for you to be understanding of her feelings is over. Would your husband miss her if you never spoke to her again??? Is he doing anything to sort his mother out?

So many people come out with the "you'll have another, it'll be okay" whether out of ignorance or because they don't want to face / deal with the pain you're going through and they throw out that as a solution. And within a second they're talking about their problems as if the world would end because of them. Look elsewhere for support. This site is bloody brilliant. There are some smashing women here who've suffered losses and all the crap that comes with it, always ready to offer support.

Search out support groups, get counselling, do whatever to get the support you need.

This is a tough time and I really feel for you.

Hugs from the UK

Tetley

saluki_fan · 03-30-2005, 05:52 PM

Eeyore's cloud,

I am SO sorry for what your MIL said to you. I have had a lot of people say ignorant stuff to you, including my MIL, who said "your baby died because it knew you didn't want it." (We hadn't told our families we were trying and let them assume it was a surprise.)

As far as when she says stuff like that, I'd remind her that one in three confirmed pregnancies ends in a miscarriage, doctors also believe that 50 to 75% of fertilized eggs don't implant, and these losses have nothing to do with the "fault" of anyone. They are an unfortunate part of nature and biology that some of us have to deal with and others have no right to make judgements on. INCLUDING HER!!!! You could smile and say "Thanks for your opinion" which is what I've done whenever people say "there was something wrong with the baby" or "it was God's will."

Needless to say, we never told my MIL about our 2nd and 3rd pregnancies...next time, consider keeping it to yourself until you are showing. That's what we plan to do with DH's family. They were just horrible to us after our loss at 10 weeks in August '04. I get support from a few selected friends and all the wonderful ladies on this board.

Hope you are doing as well as you can under the circumstances...you can vent to us at any time!

Fondly,
saluki_fan (Meghan)

VivC · 03-30-2005, 06:16 PM

Your hubby needs to let his mother know that speaking to you like that isn't acceptable. If she continues, both of you need to decide whether you feel like living that way. My MIL won't mention Rivi, and she rarely talks to me anymore. I'm assuming the best, that she just doesn't know what to say.

Hubby blamed me for Rivi dying. Even though he apologized, six months later I still can't let go of it. So I found support from my Mom, my cysters here and with a therapist.

As far as friends, only one has stuck with me. She lets me cry when I need to cry, or just gets my mind off of things when I need that. Amazingly, my new coworkers (started a new job in December, two months after Rivi died) have been incredibly supportive. Of course, they're all former mental health workers (I work for a mental health association), so I think it's kind of part of the training to give a darn about people!

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. This isn't easy, even with a good support system.

kwannabee · 03-30-2005, 08:37 PM

Ya know...i'm almost laughing out loud...NOT at your pain...but at your mil!!!

Do you ever notice when tragedy happens that people all of a sudden start acting like THEY are the biggest genetic scientist in the universe and that what THEY think is the Gods honest truth...what would she know about anything...gimme a break!!

Its one thing to be insensitvive without meaning to be...some people just dont know what to say...but what she said to you was beyond horrendous...i wouldnt give it another thought...its not worth your time or energy and all of us who have been through this all know there couldnt be a mean unspirited bone in your body...you are a strong strong woman who has been through alot...and never never NEVER let ANYBODY tell you otherwise!!!

Ohhhhh i got my boxing gloves on right now...must be the heartburn firing me all up!!

Why dont you repeat what she said to you..and look her in the eye when you do it...reflect back to her the absurdity of what she said...i'll bet you a 100bucks she cant look you in the eye and she wont dare to be that stupid ever again...imo thats the best way to get your point across...and then focus on you. Only you...to heck with anybody else who doesnt have any idea of your pain! And you know what...even if you do all this in the privacy of your own mind...that helps too...believe me i often go on a rampage 'after the fact'...sort of like a 'if i'd only said that at the time' kinda thing...anger is a part of grieving...and its a part of the healing process.

Its okay to go through it all...whatever works best for you...

big big hugs to you...

Gnzls924 · 04-05-2005, 02:34 AM

If your husband doesn't do it, then you will have to find that strength that we all know you have inside, and put your MIL in her place! Tell her that everything is not always about her! You tell her that you had hopes and dreams for your baby and you were crushed when you lost the baby. Ask her how much more selfish and insensitive can she be?!

Be selfish and take care of you first, because you are the only one that can do it!

saluki_fan · 04-05-2005, 11:46 AM

I agree with Diana above. You have to watch out for Number One, yourself, because if you don't do it, no one else will. In your time of need, YOU come first!

We're all here for you!

thing1 · 04-05-2005, 01:31 PM

[quote=Gnzls924]You tell her that you had hopes and dreams for your baby and you were crushed when you lost the baby. Ask her how much more selfish and insensitive can she be?![quote]

OMG! That's perfect!

CelticSpirit · 04-05-2005, 06:47 PM

Oh your MIL sounds like a lovely woman...NOT!

I'm with Tetley here...

Just know that we're here for you, OK? Come here to talk to us anytime you need to.

BIG HUGS!

SheriKCMO · 04-05-2005, 07:16 PM

I would suggest some books on the subject for yourself and for the people in your life. You could even do the reading and provide quotes of relevent info for the people who need to know what's going on. You deserve validation of your feelings and needs right now as well as tons of support, not this crap. Other people just don't understand what this is like, so we have to tell them.
[I have to admit that I would have been violent if my MIL had said that to me, but I've been very fortunate with our family and friends. It doesn't take the pain away, but it doesn't add more trouble to it.]

One of the gals in my support group said her son was named Patrick IV as the fourth in the line of first sons, just like her husband was the third. They picked the name as soon as they knew they were having a boy, and he was a full term stillbirth. Her MIL asked during her next pregnancy if they would name the next son Patrick IV. Ugh. Do people not have any heart whatsoever? That woman's husband, the FIL, was asked to get some newspapers so they would have copies of the obituary, and he asked, "Obituary? Who died?" This was while the mother was still in the hospital recovering from delivery of this full term baby. I just can't believe people!

Hang in there. You have a chance to educate some people on a very important subject. I agree with using your husband's help with the MIL!
(((Hugs)))
Sheri

CelticSpirit · 04-06-2005, 12:11 AM

Can we please ship these ignorant jackasses to another planet?

It's bad enough that we have to deal with the pain of our losses, but then to have clueless people running their mouths is just too much!

My heart goes out to all the ladies here...my prayers are with you and your precious babies.