How do you cope?

shandris · 10-20-2005, 12:06 PM

What ways have you found to cope with your loss. I can't seem to function normally. On one hand I want to pretend like it never happend, but I feel like I am dishonoring my son's memory if I do that. On the other hand it is all I think about constantly. I pretend like I am ok, but I'm really not. Sometimes I want to talk, other times I don't. DH and I talked in bed a couple of nights ago, when I admitted to him that I am angry. He is angry too, but we don't know what or who we are angry at. He is concerned because we had stopped trying, weren't taking any med's. I had just stopped everything, still had no periods and popped up pregnant. So his concern is that we don't know what went 'right' to get us pregnant in the first place so when people keep telling him we can have another child he gets upset. Because we really don't know if we can.

How do you cope, how do you make it through your day? I am almost obsessed with this situation. I have also become really co-dependent on my DH...I want to be up under him all the time. I really mean all the time. Other times I jus want to sleep...gotta take med's to help me with that because I still can't sleep without waking up 45 to 1 hour later.

Any suggestions?

saluki_fan · 10-20-2005, 12:28 PM

It's really hard to cope. I was a walking zombie. I was able to get out of bed and go to work, but had no motivation whatsoever and no desire to work - I only knew I didn't want to be at home either. While at home, I did a lot of cleaning - it made me feel like I had control over SOMETHING. Another cyster has been going for a lot of walks lately.

I found SC about a month after my first loss and it helped me immensely.

There are 2 other sites I'd like to recommend to you. They both focus specifically on pregnancy and infant loss (not PCOS) and I found them very helpful too.
www.silentgrief.com and www.nationalshareoffice.com

They both have message boards and also both have articles on coping, grieving, etc.

I am very sorry for your loss.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 10-20-2005, 12:52 PM

Shandris,
I'm so sorry you're going though this. It's so hard to lose a child, especially after trying so hard, for so long. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

After three losses in 16 months, I get through each day with hope. At first it was the hope that I would and could get pregnant again. After my second loss, it was thehope that we could find out what caused my losses, now after my third one this past Sat. 10/15, it the hope that I can concieve again and have a healthy baby free of chromosomal abnormalites. You said you're not sure what you did right to get pg in the first place. I too never thought I would get pg because of PCOS. I had tried in the past and nothing happened. I've heard that once you get pregnant it's easier to concieve again. It seemed to be true with me. I just hope the same thing happens to you.
What really gets me through most days is that I want to be a Mommy so, so, badly. Sometimes, I think my fight to become one has consummed me. It's what I live for now. I'm just not giving up. My DH is a wonderful man. I'm very much in love with him. He's very positive that we will have a baby soon.
To help cope with my losses I had to stop blaming, and allow myself time to heal. I went to support groups because I felt like I wanted to talk about my loss. I needed to be heard by others who had also suffered the same kind of pain I was feeling. What I was told over and over in the groups was to give my self time, and to take things day by day or minute by minute if I had to. One parent told me that what gets you through today may not work tomorrow, but that's OK. You get through each day the best way you can, and at the end of the day you look back and say I made it.
I also had many sleepless nights, I started going online for support late at night when I couldn't sleep. I also, made myself get up at a regular time everyday and I wouldn't allow myself to just lie in bed and cry during the day. I tried really hard to get involved in doing something constructive everyday, whether I finished it or not. I tried to make myself tired. I also used herbal tea to make me sleepy.

I hope that you can find ways to cope that work for you. But, please be kind to yourself and allow time for grief, you can not rush it. I pray that you find peace and healing and the strength to go on.

PM me anytime.

enits · 10-20-2005, 12:55 PM

After my losses, I did a lot of reading. I found solace in books. I read a lot of books on grief. I also read a couple of books on miscarriages, one of which is Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth About Miscarriage It is written by Jon Cohen whose wife had 4 miscarriages.

I know what you mean about being co-dependent on your husband. I went through that, too. I think that's okay. Just keep supporting each other and keep the lines of communication open. That's really important.

Hope that helps.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 10-20-2005, 01:09 PM

I also had a really good book that helped http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-form/104-7564218-6809521 a lot.

And yes, I too clung to my DH. I remember at night I would wake up and look to make sure he was breathing, I was so convinced that something bad would happen to him. I felt like he was only one who could begin to understand what I was feeling. The support group helped with that as well.

It may not seem like it now, but, the sun will shine just a little brighter each day. You will have days where it rains like the monsoon season though. It's all very normal.

shandris · 10-20-2005, 01:31 PM

thank you all for your reply's. I don't want to keep ranting and raving...I am the type of person that can bounce back from things...I haven't been able to bounce back from this, nor do I think I ever will. That is what I can't handle, not having control. I know you all know what I am going through...as you go through it also. I stayed out of work for 2 weeks. My home is as clean as it can get....my flower garden is spectacular and my DH had some of hte best cooked meals he has had in a long time. I too make sure he is still breathing while sleeping. I returned on Monday...same day as my follow up appt. with my OB. I broke down at the doctors office while registering. I keep breaking down at my desk with my back to everyone. I go from anger to sadness to fear. Then I feel like I should be ok...and get mad at myself because I am not. One of my problems is that I never want to be a burden to anyone, and I feel like if I can pretend to be ok, then other's will be ok also. They won't have to tiptow around me, or concole me while I fall apart. Jeez...here come the tears...gotta get back to work.

Thanks again for all of the suggestions, I will look into getting the books and joining the different websites.

SheriKCMO · 10-20-2005, 05:21 PM

I know it is very humbling to admit that you are tender right now, but it is the simple truth. You need comfort and time to deal with reality and sympathy from others and love from everyone and everything that an independent type of person hates. Believe me, I hate to be a burden too, but give yourself a break. What would you expect of a friend who had been through this? Parenthood is a very humbling experience, whether the child is alive or deceased. We have to rely on people who care about us sometimes, and that is what they want to do for us as well.

You have been through what I consider to be the worst possible experience, and it is perfectly okay to be VERY NOT OKAY right now. There will be days over the next few years that are not okay as well. They come and go. It is part of the grief process and very healthy. Let the tears flow. There would be something very wrong with a person who could just forget their baby. The more you allow the feelings to happen now, the quicker you will get through the worst stages of grief. If you hold it in, you will only postpone the inevitable.

I coped best by figuring out how I could get through a future pregnancy successfully and by sharing with others who had a similar broken heart. Nothing can bring the baby back, which is what we all want, so we all just have to find a way to live without them. It is different for each of us.

((Hugs))

shandris · 10-21-2005, 10:00 AM

All of the reply's have really been great. It helps me to realize that I am allowed to feel the way I do. My angel's godmother told me yesterday that it may help to talk to Tyler and let him know how I feel. I have been doing that lately, and it makes me feel better.

SheriKCMO, I too think about how I can get through my next (Lord willing) pregnancy. I know with this GBS situation, I feel like my cervix was not completely closed, and the GBS made it to my uterus. So I figure next time I will have a cerclage placed and regular testing for GBS. I told my doctor that and he said that he didn't think I needed a cerclage. I quietly told him that I wanted a cerclage and regular GBS testing (like every 2 weeks instead of the every 4 weeks like he wanted to do) for all of my future pregnancies. If my insurance would not pay for them then I would pay for them out of pocket. But if I didn't get what I asked for and I lost another child because of it I would ferociously sue the hell out of the hospital. Then I said I hoped that did not damage our relationship and if he didn't think he could handle being my OB then I will find someone else who would. He smiled and said it was no problem and he understood exactly where I was coming from. He agreed to my wants and said we would work together to make sure things go more smoothly next time. Amazing the determination a woman has when it comes to her children.

Today is a good day so far. I am seeing a social worker at work, and he wants to put me on Family Medical Leave. So that if I need to take time off of work, like if I am having a bad day, then it will not count against me. I am staying busy, but I still think about Tyler all the time. I can't worry about how I will feel later or tomorrow, all I know is that right now I feel ok. I talked to him (Tyler) this morning...that made me feel good.

Thanks for the kind words ladies. There is so much support on this board, you all make it a little easier to deal. I hope I can be as much of a shoulder to lean on as you all have been to me.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 10-21-2005, 10:37 AM

Shandris,
My DH and I talk about our babies a lot. A whole lot! We just do this between us because we think others will think we're crazy. We talk about what we would be doing now if Nicole was here. She would be 11 months old now. We talked last night about how crazy our household would be right now, planning her 1 st birthday party. We have this whole little personality for her (don't think we're crazy please!) based on how she expressed herself on the various sonograms we had before losing her. She always made us laugh. She was always very busy doing something. So we gather that she would be the kind of little girl who could never keep still. Also, she was born with her bottom lip poked way out, like somebody really made her mad. From that we gather that she was a little diva type, maybe a bit of a drama queen. So we talk about her that way. I didn't mean to hijack your post but, this is what gets us through some of our days. We've done this for each baby except the newest one. We just talk about him/her as a baby.
I also, imagine my Grandmothers and other family members who have passed taking very good care of my children. This may seem weird to everyone else, but, it gets me through some of my days.

shandris · 10-21-2005, 10:47 AM

Phoenix Rising...don't feel like you have hijacked the post...I enjoy reading other's stories. It helps me to know I am not alone. I have comfort in asking Jesus to take care of Tyler. Dh and I talk about how our children are going to be...what they will be doing. We always talk about boys because he is convinced we will have mostly boys. It helps to give us hope that we will get pregnant again one day (prayerfully soon! I am 30, don't know if we can afford to wait another 6 years!).

Keep the stories coming ladies...hopefully this is helping not only me but other cysters reading this thread.

saluki_fan · 10-21-2005, 11:48 AM

Shandris - I am not very religious, but it comforts me to think of Heaven as a special place where babies go, and that all our babies are playing together. My dad's parents are there, and my DH's grandparents. The 2 friends that I've lost to suicide are there as well. My friends who have lost parents - well, their parents are there as well. My dog Toby is there, and Gina's cat Alex. Gina, I'm sorry to say - Toby would always hump our cat when he wanted attention, and he probably won't leave poor Alex alone up there. (And yes, he was fixed...)

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 10-21-2005, 12:07 PM

I'm not worried Meghan, Alex is a tough girl, she's quite a fighter...LOL

Shandris, I talked about thing same things Meghan said on another thread. I think our babies are all together in Heaven. Just like we've all found each other, so have they. I'm sure that my Grandmother's are quite busy. My Paternal Grandmother was very wiwtty, intelligent and crafty. Our children are hearing great stories every day, learning to read, and learning all kinds of crafts as well as learning to be independent thinkers, and to express their own thoughts and ideas. My Maternal Grandmother was quite the nurturer. She's giving all the hugs and kisses anyone could ever need. She's wiping noses and keeping everyone's face clean and hair brushed. She's also reading stories and correcting grammar. She has a beautiful voice and she's singing lullabys to our children. My third Grandmother (StepDad's Mom) had 8 children of her own. she cooked all the time. So our children are eating well, trust me! Everybody has a cookie for each hand and they are getting plenty of veggies. She was also big on hugs and kisses!
I'm sure you can imagine what a great life they are having while they wait for us!

TurtleLove · 10-21-2005, 01:49 PM

Shandris, as you can see we all cope differenty, and some days we lose it. be true to you. we buried our little Caitlin between DH's dad and brother and this comforts us. i find it helps me to "honor" her life in any way i can. i volunteered with the angel teddy bear foundation, it is such a small thing but something i think Cailin could be proud of. i try to walk everday sometimes with DH and we talk, sometimes alone so i can "talk" to her, sometimes with my little doggie because she pulls on the leash to keep me going so i wont give up. somedays suck quite honestly, and other days i can breathe. the first time i laughed after she died i thought i would go insane with guilt. something DH said to me then that helped me a lot is that Caitlin poor thing was prob worried that she had a bump on a log mom who only cried all the time, imagine how relieved she must have been to see that you were normal. so on the really bad days i have to remind myself that Cailin deserves to know me as me. just do what you can as you can, we understand the days that aren't doable, and we have cried the endless tears.

Reebekah · 10-21-2005, 09:17 PM

Just wanted to add....
I felt the same way, and I too practically smothered my husband.
To cope, I joined lots of online groups that consist of women with similar losses who can relate. I also did a ton of research to understand why/how my loss happened and how to prevent a similar loss. I also read a lot of books, like Trying Again, Empty Cradle Broken Heart, etc. I bought a few special things (like a mothers necklace w/ their birthstone), which was somewhat comforting somehow. I also did everything I could to stay busy and occupied (joined Netflix, took an online class, etc). I also met with docs to discuss both my loss and my future (and I found a great doc in the process). Please know that with time, things get a bit easier.

Take care
Becky

Bunnyscott · 10-21-2005, 11:05 PM

Shandris -- I definitely relied on pharmaceuticals. I had to take Ambien to sleep and my OB gave me Prozac.

DH and I leaned on each other. It's the only way we made it through. We only wanted to be around each other, and wanted to be with each other all the time. We felt like no one else could understand what we had shared and what we had lost.

We too talked about our babies and our hopes and dreams for them.

When we lost the twins, we had a memorial service. Planning the service together and then being supported by all our friends and family was very healing.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I know this is an impossibly difficult time for you. (((Hugs)))