It has almost been a year and I can hardly say I feel any better. Infact I think I feel worse. My brother and his wife are due to have a baby in April and I can hardly talk to him. How do you bite your tongue and grin and bare it. It is especially hard because they already have one daughter who is perfect and I have two children one with Autism/ADHD and one with speach delays and possible autism (wait and see) I also don't have any support or help and my brother has all the family and support where he lives. I guess I am feeling bitter and also bad about myself for being so jealous. No one gets it. How do you cope?
Any advice would be great!
cysterls
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I wish I could tell you the magic formula to cope... but I haven't found it yet either! My dh's brother and SIL just recently found out that they are pg with their first and due in September, and I can't stand the thought of being around them, even though we live far enough away that it won't happen until Christmas. It is very hard to be happy for others while grieving for your baby. I have struggled with this so much over the past 5 months. I can't offer you any wisdom, but I wanted you to know that your cysters are all here to listen to you and support you in any way we can. ((((((hugs))))))
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dx 5/5/05
BFP 7/19/05....missed m/c 9/05
BFP (clomid 50mg + trigger + IUI) - 4/30/06!
Twin boys born @ 33wks... 29 days in the NICU
BFP (clomid 25mg + trigger + IUI) - 12/19/08!
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It is ok to feel upset. Try to think about the good stuff like you have 2 little miracles. I have had more than enough family members and friends who have had babies since we started TTC. When I was PG I had 6 cousins who were pg and now they are all having their babies. I didn't go to all the baby showers or to see them after they were born. remember we are always here.
I wish there was a perfect answer for this question! I had 2 miscarriages last year. The last one was when 2 of my good friends were VERY pregnant. They had their babies in November and December. I didn't even see them for the remainder of their pregnancies nor visited them at the hospital. I just talked to them a couple of times over the phone and exchanged emails. They were very understanding. I still HAVEN'T seen them. I also had a cousin who had a baby a month before I had my first loss. She talked to me over the phone a lot...but I still haven't seen her, either (my family lives a couple of states away from me.) It is really, really hard. I basically turned to DH for all the support that I need. He has been very wonderful to me and allows me to share my feelings with him.
Remember, there are lots of people here on soulcysters who will always listen to you...so check in every now and get ready for a bunch of supportive cysters!
Ok keep in mind that you asked me how we cope (or coped) this might not help you and I don't want to be unsupportive, so if it sounds harsh or mean please know that its just how *I* dealt with other's pregnancies after my loss and I'm not telling you that you need to be able to do this.
First, I recognized that of course I would find other pregnancies hard to deal with and gave myself permission to feel bad in many ways, sad, jealous, covetous. But I also did not give myself permission to treat the people who were in my life who were pregnant badly. It was really hard but I made the effort to acknowledge their pregnancy and rejoice in it as much as I was able, knowing that someday I might be pregnant again and I'd want them to be happy for me. One thing that really helped was realizing that their joy was not what caused my sorrow, and there wasn't a certain limited amount of joy to go around that they somehow "got" or "took" from me. Their child was not my child, Their joy was totally unrelated to my loss, and if they were sad instead it wouldn't make me any happier. I'm not saying I was polly sunshine and overjoyed to see their babies, in fact I couldn't hold another baby until my second son was born, but I was able to be happy for them and look at pictures and send them cards and gifts.
The other thing you say is that their daughter is perfect while your other two sons are not. I understand what you are trying to say, it is hard to raise children who have educational and emotional issues. But your children are just as perfectly who they are as your brother's daughter is. There is no such thing as a perfect person, or a perfect child and you have no idea what challenges your niece may end up facing in her life.
It sounds like you don't have all the support you need, and that is very very hard, be gentle with yourself, and proud of the work you do to raise your high needs children and give what you can of yourself to celebrating the births of your nieces and nephews without beating yourself up for what you aren't able to give yet.
Hugs.
Aviva
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Dx PCOS/IR since I was 18, on 2000mg metformin XR.
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Exactly what Aviva said! I actually don't have any advice - I don't know how I cope. I know that therapy helped me a lot when I was suicidal, so if you feel you're getting to that point, please get help.
i basically take a deep breath.... and do what I feel is comfortable for me. After going through my loss, I felt this inner strength not to be pressured into doing anything I don't feel comfortable doing. I was invited to a Baby Shower 8 months after I lost my son. I didn't go. It turned out to be a big deal with my family, because I have always been supportive for others. Well this time, I put me first. But at that time, I had a hard time being around pregnant people....It's getting better now. But I am moving at my own pace.
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Our sweet angel, Mohamed Matthew Raymon Illyas,
born and at rest on November 30, 2004.
Lived only 30 precious minutes...(IC at 20 weeks) Forever in our hearts, Together in our dreams.
We now live our life for you. We love you Matthew, our little Angel.
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I know how hard it is. My son was also born with a few problems, so I understand completely the feeling when other people around you have healthy babies. I know it is hard for others to understand, of course you are happy and blessed to have your children, and you know that. But when it comes to the real grief associated when children aren't born "perfect" it isn't an easy walk to take.
The best way I coped was avoiding what I knew would cause me too much pain for as long as I needed. Eventually, you will know what you can handle, and what you can't. Sometimes you'll be caught off guard, but those moments are unavoidable. As for when your niece/nephew arrive, perhaps send some flowers and a card, and note you'll visit 'when the time is right'....that will give you enough time to collect your thoughts and feelings, and let your brother and SIL know you haven't forgotten about them...
Take care.
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"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
-Albert Einstein
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Hugs for you. Not much advice, other than to say it is difficult to be gracious when you are in pain. I know first hand.
Someone else told me that and it helped me realize that my difficulties were understandable and reasonable. SIL had a beautiful baby girl about 6 weeks after I m/c. I skipped seeing here a month before she was due. I just couldn't do it, and had to take care of me. I muddled through a visit a week after she delivered. It was really hard, but I didn't see an out or a way to get out of it. It was not as bad as I thought, but was not easy either.
Hopefully you'll have more good days (when it's easier to deal with everything on your plate) and fewer bad days. As others have said we're here for you when you need it.
How do I cope? Day by day... some days better than others. And by taking care of myself when I need it. That includes being sad/jealous/angry when I need it.
How do you cope?? 
