how do you deal with this?

maddieb · 01-02-2008, 05:49 PM

I know I am new to this board and things are still very, very raw, so please forgive me, but I could use a little help.

I just got this email from a friend IRL who does not know what happened to me (and didn't know we were pg, we were waiting until after first tri to tell most people). However, she did know we TTC and had some issues:

"I found out over the weekend that I'm pregnant. It feels a little awkward to tell you, since I know what you and DH are going through right now. But I did want you to know. You are my closest friend here."

This opened the floodgates ... I'm at work and sobbing. I am truly happy for her, she deserves this and all that, and it won't be difficult for me to send her a fake email back. However, our kids play on a regular basis and she suggested a play date later this week, but I don't know how I can face her in person. Any advice?

sunshine071899 · 01-02-2008, 06:45 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I have been in your situation where I have ran into people who either didn't even know we were pg, or people I haven't seen since before I lost DYlan, and I can tell you facing those people was another hard thing for me to do besides go through what we went through. For those who didn't know I was pg, I did tell them. I did have to relive the whole thing all over again, but I found it helped me alot to talk about it and get support from others. I'm not saying it is the right thing for you to do, but you might want to consider telling her considering your kids play together. I know for me, when I first last Dylan I didn't want to hear about anyone being pg, or about their pregnancy symptoms. I had no tolerance for it. And for me, telling people what happened to me did help minimize the complaining. I don't mean to sound like a brat, but I had just delieverd my son asleep and to me that was the worse thing in the world, hearing about back pain was so trivial. I hope that helps. I know you don't want to take anything away from your friend, but if it is too painful for you to hear about, I think that is completely understandable. I wish you the best of luck with the new year and I pray for happier times for you. You will get through this. I know when peopel would tell me that I didn't believe it. There was so much pain. My arms literally ached. You are strong and please know I am here for you!

Laura

StormsDreams · 01-02-2008, 08:34 PM

I am so sorry for your loss...
Try and be kind to yourself and grieve they way you feel is appropriate...
I am going to suggest that you tell your close friend as this is a time that you need support. I know it might be hard but you do not want a rift between the two of you that she will not even bve aware of the reason.
I know its hard to tell people...I hope the new year brings you joy and peace!
Raven

Twisted Cyster · 01-03-2008, 10:37 PM

I agree with Raven, if she is your closest friend then tell her what you are going through right now and let her know that although you are happy for her, that you need some time to heal. I am sure she will want to be there for you to help comfort you through your hard times. Keeping something like this to yourself may cause a gap in your friendship and your friend will have no idea what she did or how to fix it.

I wish you all of the best.

Sheri

SunnyInSeattle1 · 01-03-2008, 10:45 PM

Im sorry, It will get better.

maddieb · 01-04-2008, 01:14 AM

Thanks for your kind answers. I think I am going to tell her, but this is really hard. It is not that I don't want her to know. It's just that I don't want her to feel weird around me. I also don't want to break down in front of her. There are only a couple of people I really feed comfortable talking to about this IRL.

Fleegle4 · 01-04-2008, 09:44 AM

I'm sorry for your loss. I think you have a good opportunity here. Because of what she wrote to you, it's clear that she's aware there could be some awkwardness and would probably be very understanding of whatever you chose to tell her.

I think you should be honest with her. Tell her you're happy for her, but you just had a m/c, so if you seem a little distant for a bit to please be understanding. However, I would try to keep the kids having play dates if they've been accustomed to it -- can DH drop yours off for a little? And while it's not always true, you might feel a little better once you do the first play date. Sometimes the fear of what will happen ("will I lose it around her"?) is worse than what actually happens when you get there. About two or three days after my D&C for my m/c was "bring your child to work" day. I didn't know if I could do it, and I did just about lose it on the way into work when I saw people walking in with small children. However, when I got to my desk one of my colleague's little girls saw me and just came over and gave me a huge hug. That happened about three more times that day from various kids (it's like I had a big "hug me" sign on) and by lunchtime I had no trouble sitting in the cafeteria with some of my friends and their kids. None of these kids or parents had any idea what I was going through.

Sometimes the first step is the hardest.

SheriKCMO · 01-04-2008, 04:50 PM

Reading the way she opened up to you, I would keep things really honest with this friend. You never know where your best support might come from! I'm so glad she was up front and also sensitive when she told you her news, and I agree that it's your turn. I will bet she is very kind. Some people do not know the pain of loss, but they might know other pain or just know how to help others when things are tough. I hope she is one of those special people and understands if you need to cancel a playdate or not talk for a little while, or not discuss the pregnancy for a little while.
((Hugs!)) I'm sorry for your loss!

SaraW26 · 01-05-2008, 11:21 PM

hi there. I had my 2nd m/c in Aug. D&C was Sept 20th. My very, very bf told me she was pg the end of Oct. She knows my whole ttc history and was upset to tell me...in retrospect, I was upset to hear it. We went a week w/o talking, then she emailed me and said how she felt awful, etc. Well, i emailed her back and said I was glad she emailed me, and that I wasn't upset w/her, that I just needed time and that it's going to be hard for me because we should be having babies together. Anyways, she took it that I didn't want to be friends w/her(she's an exaggerator)...this story does get better....

so I called her, to tell her that we are going to be friends, it's just that i need some time for me and my loss, etc, etc. (yes, I cheered up my pg friend!! what's wrong w/this picture...lol!!)

ok...this is the good part. I do feel so much better that we are talking and can be around each other and even talk baby stuff...sometimes. It was a big relieve just to spend some time together.

hth

maddieb · 01-07-2008, 07:40 PM

Thanks again for giving me your opinion.

In a freaky twist, my friend had her dating ultrasound today and she is due on 8/15/08. But she is positive that she will have a scheduled c-section on 8/8/8 -- my due date.

I still haven't told her.

SaraW26 · 01-08-2008, 10:21 AM

I'm so sorry sweetie. If you ever need to talk, PM me or my email is sara_whaley@yahoo.com.

StormsDreams · 01-08-2008, 07:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maddieb

Thanks again for giving me your opinion.

In a freaky twist, my friend had her dating ultrasound today and she is due on 8/15/08. But she is positive that she will have a scheduled c-section on 8/8/8 -- my due date.

I still haven't told her.

I know its hard...but i think its things like this that will eat you up and make you more distant and hurt....
Here is a different suggestion... not sure if you will go for it...
but perhaps you can have your DH say something...this way you wont feel akward coming to her and she will come to you....

rynngo · 01-10-2008, 07:49 PM

maddieb - First let me say that I am sorry for your loss. Second, I had a similar situation happen. My best friend knows all about my PCOS and TTC issues. She has helped me through alot of depression I owe her so much! I consider her kids my nieces and nephew. However, on this one occassion where I was in one of my depression states and complaining about dr appts, and how I always thought we would be pregnant together, somehow I said something like "well it's not like your gonna be pregnant anytime soon" to which she paused for a long time. Of course I guessed that she was pregnant and she said she felt guilty for not telling me as she wasn't sure I could handle it. I was quite upset, to say the least, and (regretfully) told her that I was unsure I could be happy for her. (It was a bad time for her as well, since she was separated from her now ex-hubby and wasn't divorced yet when she hooked up with this new DBF-he is a great guy though) I did get over my depression and didn't talk with her for a while. I came to realize she is the best friend I will ever have and I cherish her. She told me she understood how I must feel about TTC and failing. they tried for 8 months for their 2nd child, so she had a taste of the frustration. I won't say she wholly understands. but in the end, she is still supportive of me and has even helped me to lose weight - she told me about Byetta (2x daily injectable med) and she is always complimenting me and supporting me on my weight loss to date and encouraging me to keep going.

My point is, tell your friend, grieve and be open to the support your friend can give you. She has been there for you. She will be there for you. As we all are here for you.

maddieb · 01-10-2008, 10:55 PM

I finally told my friend and she was very cool about it. She actually has another friend (that I know too, but not well) who had an m/c recently, so I guess I wasn't the first person to tell her that -- which in a way was good because she had some perspective.

This is what gets me: she and DH BD'd exactly once that cycle and got pg!!! ARGH! She didn't even believe that she was pg when she found out.

Anyway, things are fine between us, I'm glad she knows on the one hand but it was emotionally distressing to tell her. Not because of who she is, but because of what I'm going through.

Thanks again for all the helpful responses.