How do you deal with the anxiety?

ChristinaShawn2 · 09-08-2006, 04:21 AM

How does everyone deal with the anxiety of adopting? The not knowing exactly what is going on, how the birthmom and baby are doing and if she suddenly has changed her mind. I am very early into this process and I am already completely into this. Except I'm already having extreme anxiety that something will go wrong. Basically the background is I have been ttc for over two years. I've had multiple rounds of clomid and injectables that never even came close to success. This weekend I was driving in my car with my cousin talking about the helacious treatments and I jokingly said you should just have one and give it to me. She asked a couple of times if I was serious and I said of course. She preceeded to tell me that she is actually 3 1/2 mos pg and that she did want me to adopt the baby but she was just too scared to ask me before that. So now I'm at the point where the birthmother and father and grandparents all say that this is the best thing for everyone. So after tomorrow I am stopping my fertility treatments and putting all of my hopes into my cousin. It's an amzingly vulnerable feeling, so back to my question, how do you cope with the not knowing and the anxiety?

Miss-Meme · 09-08-2006, 11:58 AM

Christina, I know what you are going through! I have anxiety problems. But amazingly right now I am doing great with it! My dh can not believe it. But I just keep telling me That G*d has a plan and if for us to have this baby is what he wants...it will happen.

We went thought all this adoption stuff 4 years ago and I got anxiety so bad we stopped.

Please PM if you want to email or maybe even call. We are both I guess expecting at about the same time!! Maybe a few weeks apart.

Bertiebugg · 09-08-2006, 04:08 PM

I have moments that its worse than others. We're still trying to get the 'paper work' part of it done. We've been put on hold for homestudy then our caseworker was fired, and we gave up. We figured that it just wasnt going to happen! We now have a new caseworker who I spoke with yesterday and will be meeting with at the end of this month. She is willing to come see us on the weekend since all my other time off was used for our other caseworker who didnt show up half the time!

Keep in mind that your cousin is going to be going thru a lot and at this point you've got to be there for her. Be there for her, give her the support she needs, you are family so in that respect she will still be part of the babies life which is something important for all people involved. Get everything done from your end, and help her with hers. Best of luck!

ChristinaShawn2 · 09-08-2006, 04:38 PM

The problem I am having now, well actually there are two things. The first thing is I don't know what's too much. I want to call her everyday to be reassured that she hasn't changed her mind and that the baby is fine. But I don't want her to feel like I am intruding. Also, today I had b/w and u/s. About this time last cycle they said we weren't getting anywhere and cancelled the cycle. So I was under the assumption that it would happen again this cycle. This time the doctor said that there was one follicle that took the lead and I am ready for my trigger shot. So, I feel like I have to do that but what happens if I do get pregnant? She is not willing to give the baby to anyone but family but then again I'd love to be able to have my own. So, it's kind of an akward time I don't know what to hope for.

violamarie · 09-08-2006, 05:05 PM

I say if you have a chance this cycle, go ahead and go for it. You've already started it and you never know! Plus, your cousin has a lot of pregnancy left ahead of her. I'm not saying she'll change her mind, but what if she does? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to fuel your anxiety... just know that even if you don't get pregnant or get your cousin's baby for some reason, there are thousands of babies out there who need moms.

Miss-Meme · 09-09-2006, 02:32 AM

How would you feel about maybe having two babies? If you did get PG and adopt hers?

People do it all the time.

I know how you feel about wanting to call. We just meet our pbMom on Tuesday and I asked her how much contact she wanted before the birth and she said what ever we wanted. Which didn't tell me much. So I thought that maybe I'd call maybe once every two weeks at first. I don't want to be over bearing.

I've read that you should not focus on the baby but more on Mom. How's she doing, how does she feel.

ChristinaShawn2 · 09-09-2006, 04:24 PM

I don't know if I could honestly handle two newborns a couple months apart. I'm trying to look at it this way if I am supposed to adopt the baby then I wont get pregnant at all. Then in then end I can still say I tried it didn't work but I was able to adopt. In the end all that matters is that we get to be parents. I went over to her house yesterday and she put all of my fears at ease. Her opinion has not waivered at all. Actually she is kind of worried that I will get pregnant then not take the baby. I felt so much better after I talked to her . We go on the 15th for an ultrasound she will be 16 weeks then so we might be able to find out what the sex is. Someone asked me at work the other day what's more prevalent the fear or excitement. I think the excitement is winning now.

ChristinaShawn2 · 09-09-2006, 04:29 PM

Miss Meme- I do try to focus on her and the two kids she has now. I always ask how she and the kids are doing and usually then she will provide info on the baby. She said yesterday that it "feels like another boy." It's easier to try to focus on her because she's family and I do care.

Miss-Meme · 09-09-2006, 05:21 PM

I'm not sure you can tell the sex at 16 weeks. Most of the time I read at about 18-22 weeks you can.

So are you going to go on with you cycle this month?

ChristinaShawn2 · 09-10-2006, 03:50 AM

I'm finishing it but I feel like I am only doing it halfway. I had the choice after my hcg injection to either go to the doctors office for an IUI or to have timed intercourse. We weren't sure what to do, talked about it for a little while then said ok we will go to the doc's office b/c that's the best thing to do. When my DBF called work to see about getting off they gave him a resounding no. Then I was relieved, I am tired of driving 2 hours to that office and being poked and prodded. But I am still doing everything I am supposed to, there are vaginal estrogen pills that I have to take twice a day to increase my lining and then the timed intercourse for a couple of days.
As for the ultrasound, I guess it just varies. A girl I work with had an ultrasound at 13 weeks and they said from what they can see it looks like a boy. Of course they couldn't give them any concrete answers but that's what it looked like. So, I guess we'll see

Miss-Meme · 09-10-2006, 04:28 AM

From what I have read the sex organs don't start showing until like 18 weeks. Do a search online and see what you come up with.

It doesn't sound like you are doing it halfway. Since you DBF can't get off work, thats just the way it is.

Jewels · 09-11-2006, 03:19 AM

What an exciting time for you! What I would suggest you do is focus on the fact that you ARE going to be a Mommy one way or the other a child is coming into your life and it's a wonderful thing! You might think about putting some of your energy into getting ready for a baby. Read up on newborn care, (a great book is called "The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two" by Dr. Sears), clean out those closets, start shopping for some some of the neutral stuff you'll need or at least make a list. etc. Do a bunch of fun things with your husband too! When the time gets closer I would also suggest you make a bunch of dinners and freeze them. We have been pretty much eating out for the past 3 1/2 months and the scale is reflecting that. LOL

I actually think also you might think about having a really open conversation with your cousin about if she changes her mind how you would like to know and discuss how she would feel telling you etc. I don't know her situation but there is the birthfather and his wishes to consider too because he'll need to sign off on the adoption.

As far as dealing with anxiety (which I had a HUGE amount of when we were adopting) I think focusing your thoughts into something constructive and keeping busy are key. Exercise is also key and really helpful. You might actually set aside a time each day to allow yourself time to think the worse, or write concerns down and then get back to constructive thoughts and your day. Most people find when they "schedule" a worry time they get sick of it and feel like it's a waste of a good 15 minutes that they could do something more positive. It sounds really corny but it really does work.

CONGRATULATIONS to you! You're going to be a Mommy!!!!

Julia
http://www.adoptionboard.org