How do you get over your past?

Coastal · 07-31-2007, 11:47 PM

If something traumatic happens in your past, how do you get by it? How do you move on without dwelling?

Sanyia · 08-01-2007, 12:14 AM

It takes time and depending on the severity of the trauma you simply may not be able to do it on your own. I grew up in an abusive household. My real father deserted my family. My stepdad was an abusive pig. With me it was mostly verbal, was physically at times but nothing severe like you see in the movies or read about in the news. CPS was called on my stepdad once when I was about 7, but they (Mom included, I was guilt tripped like you wouldn't believe) pretty much scared me into keeping my mouth shut. I had alot of trust issues growing up as a result of the actions of my parents, the ones who were supposed to protect me. I was able to get past it with the help of my dh and a very dear high school friend. My mom and half-brother were victims as well. Unfortunately, my sister wasn't so lucky. She says he sexually abused her and I don't know if she will ever be able to completely heal. She needs help but refuses to talk to anyone about it. I just found out last year and it happened 10 yrs ago. I broke the cycle, and sadly it does not look like my sister did. Her husband has shown signs of the same behavior our step-dad had.

What helped me was I realizing I WAS NOT going to let it dictate the rest of my life. I just woke up one day I didn't like who I was becoming and set out to change it. To me it was the ultimate act of defiance. I REFUSED to let him win by turning me into him. Does that make sense? It took me 10 years to completely let it go after moving out of that household. In a way I was terrified to become a mom.. I was so scared of doing to my kids what was done to me. A big part of my healing was my son. The day he was born something in me changed forever. I realized I would never do that to him nor would I ever let it happen to him. I will never let him witness the things I witnessed and dealt with growing up. I will protect him from whom ever I have to, family included. I took it one day at a time and slowly became confident in myself and realized I had broken the cycle after all.

You may need to seek out someone to talk to about it. I really think it takes times for the wounds to fade and an understanding support system. I'm here if you ever want to talk.

stellarnix · 08-01-2007, 11:05 AM

I come from an abusive past, and also have clinical depression. Cognitive behavior therapy was great for me. I learned how to turn off the hateful speech in my head, and how to recognize when something was truly wrong versus dwelling on something too much.

The parts of my past that were my doing(quitting college, my divorce) were harder to overcome. I did a lot of talk therapy to figure out why I made certain choices and how to make better ones later on. A good counselor will work with you to help YOU choose, not just tell you how to live. I wish you the best. You have made a great first step by asking for input. Take care.

Coastal · 08-01-2007, 01:19 PM

It's all emotional for me.... no physical abuse... just emotional things and I am an overly-emotional person at times as it is. So I'm having a hard time being nice to myself, I guess.

Sanyia · 08-01-2007, 01:23 PM

You are also pregnant and extremely emotional right now. Could that be making it worse? My fears of becoming my parents were worse when I was pregnant.

babygirl18905 · 08-01-2007, 11:36 PM

I am so glad I came across this post seriously I was just talking about this same thing with my cousin yesterday I was telling her I have endured every single abuse mental, physical, emotional, and sexual. My biological father sexually abused me from the age of 9-12, I went through a severe depression from the time I was 14 until now, my stepfather mentally, physically, and emotionally abused me from the time I was 14 until I was 19. From then on I have never had a good relationship with any man even know DH and I can not get along I see divorce coming very soon

Sanyia · 08-02-2007, 12:04 AM

Coastal - you know when I reread what I wrote, I hope that didn't come off as being harsh or mean. If it did, I'm sorry that wasn't my intention. I was just trying to say I had a harder time dealing with my past with all the hormones running through me. I wasn't trying to down play what you are feeling.

I'm an overly emotional person too. I will cry at some thing that will just blow dh away, he won't understand why I'm so upset. I think it's part of being verbal beat down all the time.

babygirl - I'm sorry to hear you are going through a tough time right now. You have been through alot and deserve to be happy.

It is hard to have a "normal" (who is normal nowadays anyway) relationship when you have baggage from the past. I've had my fair share of bad relationships that's for sure as a result of mine. I think I got really lucky with my dh. Wow what a beautiful baby! That smile is just amazing!!

Coastal · 08-02-2007, 09:33 PM

oh no I didn't take it like that in the slightest!!

Yes, I think pregnancy has made me a bit worse than usual with the anxiety, but the anxiety has always been there. I can't get over the emotional hurdles that I perceive for myself. I am always anxious about something. And when one issue calms down, I focus my anxiety on something else. It's all very real to me but I can see how someone else might think the opposite. I just can't get over it. It just can't. Some days I have good days and everything is ok, but sure enough, as the evening comes or something sets me off, I start festering as usual.

Sanyia · 08-02-2007, 11:28 PM

Good, glad to hear that didn't come out wrong!! I know what you mean. Getting over anxious about a problem that isn't as bad as I think it is, well lets just say I'm overly familiar with that. Some days I'll get myself so worked up it will effect me physically. I don't have panic attacks, but I'll get so worried I'll literaly make myself sick to my stomach. DH has really helped me out with that, he has gotten good at getting me to settle down and not get so worked up. My son has also helped with that too, partly because I know that if I get too worked up he picks up on it and he gets upset. Might sound funny but ds is good therapy. Not only has having him increased my confidence 10 fold, it gives me something to focus on other than the "what if's". I've never had confidence in myself and my abilities like I do now. It didn't happen over night, but over time as I became more and more confident with my abilities as a mom, it just carried over into other aspects of my life.

I still have my moments where I will think the worst possible situation will be the outcome. I guess it's a defense mechanism of sorts, that way when the worst doesn't happen I'm happy. Also keeps me from being let down by people or situations. Something else I've been all too familiar with since the tender age of 5, I swear I aged 5-10 yrs mentally in next few years. My childhood ended the day I watched my parents have their final fight before breaking up. I was so young, yet I still remember that night clearly. The details of which have shocked both of my parents, they never imagined I would remember it 21 years later. My mom started working 60 hr weeks, my dad just disappeared (he was in the special forces in the Army and was always overseas). My sister and I are only 23 months apart, yet some how I stepped up and became my mom's helper with her. I was too young to have to deal with that, but humans are amazing in their ability to adapt to their situations. I was bitter for a long time, toward both parents. I realized to ever be truly happy in life I had to let the anger go. My Mom is now my best friend. I'll never agree with some of the decisions she made, but she did what she felt she had to as our mom. As a mom myself I can no longer fault her for that.

Have you ever gone and talked to a counselor about your anxiety? When I needed to help the most I didn't get it. My step-dad never took us to the doctor, so I just learned to deal somehow. My sister is the exact opposite, she never learned to deal with it. She sounds similar to you, she can't just let it go.

Coastal · 08-03-2007, 12:22 AM

I've thought about counseling and I just have yet to make that first appt. I've even gone as far as to find out which providers are covered for me... yet then I think, "what if I dont 'click' with the counselor... what if they think I'm a total nutter!?.... what if they make me dredge up a bunch of old feelings and I feel worse?!"

I am reading a fantastic book called "The Anxiety Answer Book" and it talks about catastrophizing, you know, always assuming the worst case scenario is imminent even if there are more logical explanations or outcomes. I do that all the time.

stellarnix · 08-03-2007, 02:13 AM

Coastal- If you don't "click" with the first one, go to another. I went thru 3 before I found the one I now see. She is a godsend. Not only have we done cognitive behavior therapy, but she has taught me what vitamins and minerals support mental health, and how to meditate to reduce my stress anywhere, anytime, with only a minute or 2.

Even the 3 that weren't a good match were able to teach me something about who I was, and what I wanted out of treatment, so it wasn't a total waste of time.

Counselors understand that they will not be a good match to every patient, just like some people can love a doctor and someone else will think they are a quack.

Good luck, and take care.

Coastal · 08-03-2007, 11:09 AM

hmmm.. how long did you give it before you moved on to another therapist?

Sanyia · 08-04-2007, 12:43 PM

Personally, I would think a few appointment unless you know it just isn't the person for you. Go with your instinct with this one. If you are sure you don't click, then find someone else. If you are wishy washy about the person I would say give it a few appointments to see if you start to get more comfortable with them. You might be hesitate because it's can be hard to talk openly with issues, you need someone you'll feel comfortable with.

Kathy2579 · 08-04-2007, 02:36 PM

I am a writer and a drawer. I will color and even make lists. It helps and makes me more relaxed. I may have to do it for a few days to help. It does work. Mine is emotional and partly physical after 4 MC's I felt violated and I didn't want to be touched.

andreaplants · 08-06-2007, 11:26 PM

Has anyone ever done online counseling? (I'm assuming it exists) I'm in a small town and kindof known here - and can't drive the hour to the next town any more than i already am (for this neverending quest to be pregnant which seems like it i slipping away daily) -

anyway, thoughts?

thx!

ann