I lost my twin girls on Monday at 20 weeks gestation due to a incompetent cervix. I just can't stop crying. Words cannot express the grief my husband and I are feeling.
You're right, there are no words to define your pain. Take time, as much time as you need, to grieve. Your girls were very much loved for their short time on Earth and now you have two angels watching over you.
__________________ age 33~DH 36
dx w/PCOS 6/98
TTC since 2/01
m/c 1/4/02 @ 6 wks
m/c 7/24/02 @ 9 wks
Prenatal vitamin
2 rounds of Clomid failed
2 rounds of Pergonal failed
Rest cycle (no meds): +HPT 9/5/03
DD born 5/1/04
"Carry a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come." -- Chinese proverb
((((TACM)))) I'm so sorry. There is nothing worse in the world and you are going to have a lot of grief to work through. But please know that others here have gotten through it. There are two or three cysters here now who have recently been through a very similar loss. It has been very hard for them, as it will be hard for you, but with support you can get through this.
Surround yourself with those who will be comforting to you and just allow yourself to grieve this terrible loss right now. You may want to look into startig an antidepressant if it becomes overwhelming. This will not make you incabable of feeling the sadness, but just more able to deal with it.
TACM, we're here for you whenever you want to scream, cry, vent. We'll be here for you. My heart just breaks for you and I will keep you and your little ones in my prayers. ((hugs))
__________________ me (38) DH (40)
Prenatals, BA, synthroid
3 m/c's - 11/5/02, 2/28/03 (Henry), 12/17/03
Liam born 2/28/05 - our pride and joy!
BFing and ttc #2
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I replied to your other post on the pregnancy board, and I thought I should add a few more things.
I also go to the website called "Silent Grief" daily and post on their loss of a young child board. Here is there website address. www.silentgrief.com.
The people at those chat boards know exactly what we are going through with later losses. This board too is a great resource of support and understanding.
I wish I could take some of your pain away as I remember how horrible it felt those first few months. I still struggle daily missing Kenny and Katie, and wishing that my pre-term labor/incompetent cervix had been caught in time. I have found great comfort in reading grief books from people that have lost their babies too. I have a great list of books at home if you are interested.
We have found so much comfort in our faith as well. We believe that God has worked through our friends and family to help us continue to heal, and he has our precious babies with him.
Let yourself cry as much as you need to. It really helps you to heal.
Take care of yourself and each other. I am not sure if anyone has told you that men and women grieve very differently. They told us that before we left the hospital and it made sense to us, but didn't really fully hit us until we were dealing with our grief the first few weeks. All I ever wanted to was just lay around and cry, while my DH just wanted to get up and get things done. I couldn't understand how after just a few days, he could act as if nothing ever happened, especially when Kenny and Katie were all I ever though about. But that is the way that most men heal, by "doing things" and most women just need to cry and talk about their babies.
My heart is breaking for you and your family. I am so sorry!
Please don't hesitate to e-mail me if you ever want to talk. I am serious!!!
God bless!
__________________ Heidi (35)
DH (37)
dd-Konnie-10/04/04
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ds-Kaden & ds-Kory born at 25 weeks 3 days, 2 lbs 3 oz & 2 lbs, respectively
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4 angels in Heaven
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I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss. I don't know the answer to the question- how to get through it..... I wish I did.
Please just take care of yourself- cry as much as you need to....take as much time as you need. There are no rules to grieving.... I'm sure each of us who've suffered a loss will always feel that void.
Again, I'm very very sorry.
__________________
DH (40) Me (39) DS (14) DD (11) DS (2)
three precious angels
Glucophage 2000mg/day
IT'S A BOY !!! Xander Wallace born 4/9/04 via csection 8# 11.5 oz 21.75 " long
2 year stats- 37" 35#
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Traci, I know how you are feeling right now. You ask yourself "how do we do this?" It just feels so wrong.
In the beginning, I woke up crying every day. DH and I passed the first week home from the hospital hour by hour. The evenings were a blessing because we felt we had made it through another day.
We were blessed by an amazing outpouring of love from family and friends. Our house was filled with flowers and cards -- it was both sweet and painful. At the same time a reminder of how much we were loved, and how much we had lost.
In the early days, I protected myself from people who were falling apart (except my husband). I felt it was not fair, and I did not have the energy, to support others in their grief for my babies when I could not even hold myself up. You must be good to yourself, and part of that is being selfish and deciding what you and your DH need to heal. Nothing is more important right now.
Twelve days after we lost our twins, we had a memorial service at a local funeral home. They do services free for babies. We put the word out to our family and close friends and were surprised to see 60 people on the day of our service. DH and I stood at the door and hugged every single one of them as they came in. I hadn't been around a lot of people and this was a good way for me to see friends for the first time. We weren't sure if we would do the service at first, but it was very very helpful.
My OB also started me on Prozac the day I left the hospital. She gave me Ambien to get me through the first month -- sleep was such a blessing. Except the dreams/nightmares. Just reach out for DH in the middle of the night.
The illustration I have used to explain to people how DH and I got through the early weeks was: rock climbing. It was like he and I were scaling a wall together. At different times we each lost our footing, and the other pulled us back up. We couldn't have made it through without each other.
We also went to a support group for pregnancy loss through hospice and I see a counselor every couple of weeks. We have friends who have experienced similar losses and we sought their company and comfort when we needed to.
I know at this moment the pain is like fire searing your heart. Getting through it seems impossible. It may be little comfort to you, but I can tell you that now, three months since I lost Jeffrey and Rebecca at 20 weeks, most of my days are good days. I go to work, laugh with friends and enjoy my life. I miss my babies and I wish they were with me still (I would have been 32 weeks today). I look at their picture daily and I know they are always with me. But I don't count off the hours anymore. I don't wait for the hour I can take my sleeping pill and go off to a deep sleep.
In addition to the people around you, we are here to help you through. The cysters here are kind and wise. Lean on us, and lean on those that love you.
Know that you are a mother. You did everything you could for your daughters. All they ever knew in this world was your love.
Take care of yourself. I will be praying for you and sending you hugs.
Thank you all for your kind words. This is just the worst pain I have ever felt. I feel like part of me has died. We met with a grief counselor on Friday and that really seemed to help. We also have a local support group that meets next month that I think we are going to see. I have been able to sleep for the past two nights without having to take an Ambien, so I am happy about that. Our family and friends have also been a great comfort. One minute I feel like I can make it through this, and a minute later I am sobbing my eyes out. We tried so long to get pregnant and when we did, we really felt blessed. Out of this horrible experience, however, I realized what a wonderful husband I have. He was by my side through the whole delivery, and when we came home from the hospital, before I even walked in the door, my husband had gone upstairs and closed the babies room door, so I didn't have to see it. I know he is hurting too, but the fact that he was so concerned about my feelings really touched my heart. Thanks again for your support. I don't know what I would do without this board.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious babies . My heart aches for you. Just try and get through each day the best that you can. Don't expect too much of yourself and just do what you have to do.......whether that be cry, scream, stay in bed, go for a walk........or come and post here. We are here for you........I don't know what else to say. I hope you are surrounded by love at this time of grieving and that you find the strength, courage and hope to get through this.
My deepest sympathies,
How Do you Get Through this? 
