How do you keep going?

toomuch4acyster · 08-23-2009, 11:59 AM

After trying for two years my husband and I had finally gotten pregnant in May. I just had my "missed miscarriage" D&C almost two weeks ago and I am just at a loss. I feel like if I ever get pregnant again I will not be able to be happy or enjoy the experience because I am going to be so scared. I am looking at all of the posts and there are so many ladies who have had so 2 and 3 miscarriages, I just need to know how do you keep trying without it tearing you apart inside? What is it that keeps you going? Where do you find hope?

TDoern · 08-23-2009, 11:28 PM

toomuch -

first *hugs* I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.

I wish I had the words to make you feel better. I wish I knew exactly what to say to make this right and okay for you. I just don't think those words exist. The only way you will find peace with this is going through the process on your own.

At the same time I do have an idea what you are going through. My husband and I spent 8 years trying to get pregnant. We received our first and only BFP on March 6th this year. It was the happiest day of my entire life.

I spent four months in blissful happy wonderful pregnant ignorance. All my life I'd fully believed that getting pregnant meant you brought a beautiful baby home. Sure, stuff happens sometimes but, that wouldn't happen to me. We spent eight years trying to get pregnant, nothing would go wrong after all that.

On July 4th at 12:51am that belief was shattered when we lost our son Christopher due to incompetent cervix. My 'innocence' in regards to pregnancy was horribly, painfully ripped away from me. We found out that just because you are pregnant it doesn't mean that baby comes home safely. So less than five months from the happiest day of my life was the worst day of my life.

The first week was the hardest. There were times I wished I had died with Chris, because at least then I could be with him. At least if I had died also I could finally see what color his eyes are, I could see him smile, I could hold him and kiss him. For awhile I couldn't think to the future, my goal was simply to make it to the next breath of air. Each intake of air hurt because such a huge part of me had been stripped away - then slowly it got a little bit easier to breathe in and out. The pain is still there and it hurts so much, and to be honest it hasn't gotten less painful I've just learned to live with the hurt.

What sucks for me? I KNOW that there is a HUGE chance that if nothing is done I'll lose my next baby, if I'm blessed with another one, the same way Christopher was lost. I now know that my cervix isn't strong enough to hold a baby in. If I'm blessed with another child I can look forward to a cerclage surgery and more than likely spending a good portion of my pregnancy on best rest. *IF* we are lucky the baby will stay put to term. I'm going to be scared to walk, to stand up, to go to the bathroom, scared to breathe with our next baby. As I said, my 'innocence' has been ripped away - I'm going to spend every single moment of my next pregnancy scared it will be the last, scared that I'm going to lose that baby the same way I lost Chris.

At the same time, I can't give up the hope of having a child of my own to bring home and love, kiss boo-boo's, rock to sleep, and watching that child become an adult. Christopher wouldn't want me to give up that dream just because it didn't come true with him. I refuse to deny my husband and I that dream just because we didn't bring Christopher home. Yes, the chance exists that our next baby won't come home either, but we have to try. I know we will be good parents, or at least the best we can be.

I'm not saying that I won't spend my whole next pregnancy scared to death, but I have to try. I'll willingly deal with that fear if it means bringing a baby home. I'll deal with all the bed rest, the cerclage, the doctor visits and tests, all of that to have a child of our own.

How do I keep going? What gives me hope? Knowing that Christopher and I will see each other again one day. I know that we will be rejoined in Heaven, and that he knows I miss him, and love him.

I was angry for a long time at God. I wasn't angry at God for taking Christopher because I believe that it was Satan that did that. I was angry at God for not saving Christopher with the miracles I know He's able to preform. I was so angry there are no words. Then I found peace.

I found peace after thinking about something. That thing was that maybe Christopher's purpose here on earth was to show hubby and I that we can conceive a child. Show us that we can make a baby. Then Christopher's purpose was to leave us, and in doing so show us that I have incompetent cervix. When we are blessed with our next pregnancy things will be done to keep us from losing that child. A cerclage, lots of extra appointments, and more... anything that would help us keep this baby will be done. I found peace in knowing that Christopher's purpose here might have been to be lost so that with the knowledge of the incompetent cervix our future babies can be saved.

What will help you find that peace? I don't know. What will help you keep going? I don't know? What will give you hope? I don't know that either. At the same time, you made a baby, a life no matter how small is a life. Just because that baby wasn't here on earth for very long doesn't mean that that life didn't change the world. Every life no matter how small, or how short, has a purpose. I know that with all my heart. Christopher existed for less than five months - but he changed my life, my husbands, and all those who love us.

I'm not sure if this answers your questions at all - but it's what came from my heart after reading your post. I hope it helps. If your interested, I've had a few people mention in response and in private messages, that a previous post of mine helped - it's titled "How it feels..." and is in this same area. It's just what I was/am feeling. Like I said, I hope this helps, or at least doesn't make things worse for you - it's just what went through me after reading your post.

~Tammy~

toomuch4acyster · 08-24-2009, 01:07 PM

Tammy,

Your response means more to me than you could ever imagine. I am so sorry about what happened to Christopher. I admire your strength and understanding about what happened to you.

I too, will probably spend my whole next pregnancy scared to death. The first three months with the normal worries as well as worries about what the ultrasound will show. Then the remainder of my pregnancy concerned about my cervix, I have had two surgeries on my cervix and an incompetent cervix is a concern for me as well. I just pray they are able to watch it and catch any abnormalities should they occur.

When I was writing my post, I was so mad at God. I felt like God had played this cruel trick on me. Like we had gone through so much in two years (I couldn't imagine eight) and after three months I find out I am only pregnant with fluid? If that was going to happen why even make me pregnant at all. Your post that every baby has a purpose no matter how big or how small ( Bella only lived for days before she left us but my body didn't figure it out). I feel that "Bella"'s purpose was to show us that we can get pregnant, maybe right now just isn't the time.

I am forever changed because of what has happened to us, and just like you my innocence has been stripped away. I only hope that I can use what has happened to me to help others, like you have helped me.

I will keep you and your family in prayer.

SassyMKB · 08-24-2009, 05:16 PM

toomuch and Tammy - I am so sorry for your losses. Big hugs to both of you.

In answer of the question of "How do you keep going?" - I ask myself that every single day. TTCing has taken over my life for the past 2 plus years. Initially I thought the issue would be getting pregnant, and then my issue became staying pregnant. Since my m/cs, every AF is 1/2 disappointment and 1/2 relief. I say relief b/c I am absolutely terrified of being pregnant again. Each AF is also a reminder of the horrible bleeding I had with each pregnancy where while I was bleeding for unknown reasons, my babies showed healthy heartbeats, until suddenly they were gone. When I have AF I ask myself if I have the strength to go through it again. While they found that I have a blood clotting disorder, there are no guarantees of a healthy baby.

And on the flip side, each AF is 1/2 disappointment because there is yet another failed cycle in our journey to a healthy baby. I believe it's our desire for that healthy baby that keeps us going, but every day I wonder when enough will be enough. When do we stop trying and move on to surrogacy or adoption? Much like you said, the losses have stripped away any possible joy that being pregnancy can bring and I know that I will never be confident in a pregnancy until a healthy baby arrives. I'm not ready to give up just yet, but another loss may just do me in.

I guess the short answer to your question is that you just take it day by day, minute by minute and know that eventually things will work out the way that they should.

TDoern · 08-25-2009, 06:08 PM

toomuch -

I too have the feeling that the past year has been on sick joke for my entire family. I'm more than ready for things to get "easy".

Just this year my grandfather died, my aunts stopped speaking to my mother over his will, two of my three brothers have lost their jobs due to no fault of their own, a cousin passed away, my husbands car was broken into, our back porch caught fire and destroyed the patio, and we lost Christopher.

I also suffer from chronic lower back pain, and never pain due to spinal problems... I've been dealing with the chronic pain since less than a week after I was married in 2000.

I used to pray asking God to take away my pain, I couldn't understand what I had done to deserve to live in pain every minute of every day. My back pain isn't like a headache that goes away after awhile - it literally hurts every single moment to the point I even dream about it some nights...

The thing is I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't deal with the pain I've dealt with. They say that God won't give you a burden too heavy for you to bear - and as of yet He hasn't. I can admit there are times I wish He didn't have so much faith in me, though.

The simple truth is the what we go through, both good and bad, changes us. We learn to handle new things, we find out we can handle things greater than we ever guessed we would need to, and we make it through them.

I KNOW that God is with me through this, regardless of whether I've wanted Him there or not. There are times when not believing would be so much easier, because if this was all just random acts of the universe it would be easier than knowing God is letting these trials be put before me. At the same time God is letting these mountains be put in my path, but He's also there cheering me up the mountain, pushing me when I don't think I can go any further, and He carries me He knows I can go no further on my own.

Yes, things can always get worse, but they can also get better. We can let the experiences in our life wear us down, and take away the joy in our lives; OR we can choose to cherish every moment of joy that we have. We can let the pain take control of our lives and make us miserable, or we can choose to live despite the path our life takes.

I'm choosing to live, to live, and to cherish every moment. When I get pregnant again it's going to be scary, and I'm going to be afraid, and probably worry myself to pieces; at the same time I'm going to take the time to be thankful for the gift I've been given, for however long I'm blessed with my next child.

sherlynn · 08-26-2009, 05:50 PM

All of you women are just amazing and a blessing.

AFM - After 6 m/c it is hard and I hope you don't mind me posting here b.c I am pregnant now but I really still connect with all your losses and hope I can help in anyway I can.. But for me I find strength in the fact that I had 2 m/c before my daughter & I know it has made me a better mother and I really appreciate everyday I was pregnant ( and yes it was scary) and I appreciate every day I have her b.c. she is such a blessing to me. I then went on to have 4 m/c and I am pregnant again with all fingers crossed. and I guess like Tammy said I am just thankful for every day I am pregnant

There is hope to enjoy your next pregnancy its just a little hard to find once in a while. For me the right doctors were KEY. My RE u/s anytime anyday all I have to do is stop in.. he is amazing its not a real detail u/s ( since he is doing it vs. the tech) but its enough for me to know the baby is ok. Plus I have the most AMAZING high risk doctor who has just been a blessing through this. He is really as happy about my pregnancy as I am .. its so comforting.

Also reading everyone elses history make me realize how great it is to find this connection with women that "GET IT" and there are women on this site who have endured so much more then me it makes me really put things in perspective.

Best of luck ..sending you big hugs .. and please don't loose hope

toomuch4acyster · 08-27-2009, 01:48 PM

Sherlyn,

First I have to say you have a beautiful daughter!! I have no idea how you could have endured 6 m/c. I honestly thought I was gonna crack after one. Like hit the point of no return. I am so happy for you that you are pregnant now, and looking at your ticker it looks like you are pretty far along, comparing it to your m/c times. You hang in there cyster, and I will be praying for a super healthy full term baby for you.

Sassy- I know exactly what you mean. After two years I felt like ttc was taking over my life too. I found out I was pregnant on a Saturday and the following Thursday I was supposed to have a follow-up appt (my doc liked to see me once a month) to see where we were with the Clomid. That Thursday I was going to tell my doctor that I just couldn't do it anymore, that the hormones made me feel like I was crazy (mind you this is before I experienced pregnancy hormones), and that ttc was taking over my life. So 5 days before the whole "I give up speech" I was pregnant. So, my husband is telling me that this is a sign that we shouldn't give up on the Clomid and I guess he is right. So for a baby in my belly I guess it can control my life a little longer. I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but now maybe they found the problem. My sister is currently at 30 weeks and has had to take Lovenox shots the whole time, she and the baby are very healthy. So take it one day at a time, you know you can get pregnant and that is one battle fought and won. Please keep me updated on your progress.

Tammy- You are a very strong woman. I believe in my heart that with your next pregnancy the doctor will know what to do so the baby will stay put. How long did the docs say you have to wait until you try again? Do you have to take any fertility meds? I know that you have to heal mentally and spiritually first but I just thought I would ask. I wish I could just give you a big hug and somehow let you know everything will be okay. I am looking for words of comfort for you and I am at a loss. It looks like you have covered everything in your posts. You know all of the truths, I pray that you believe them with your whole heart.

As for things being easy, I know exactly what you mean. I feel like I have been dealt a dirty hand my entire life and even though I have always tried to to what was right it just never worked out for me. I do feel that all of it has made me who I am today and they have all led me to Jesus, however some little part of me feels like losing Bella is just another thing to add to the list. But like you said, He will not give you anything you can not handle. I pray that you remain strong. And thank you.

sherlynn · 08-27-2009, 02:03 PM

Cristina - thanks so much .. i agree what you said about about him not giving you more then you can handle ..but once in a while I try to remind him he has already tested my stregnth enough its now time to move on I've passed. SMILE SMILE.. I know it doesn't work that way and I really don't want anyone else to endure what we have gone through but ..sometime enough is enough.

Lots of hugs

Rose74 · 09-05-2009, 05:16 AM

Hi all,
You know i have been asking myself the same question, "what am i going to be like trying to conceive the next time - how can i possible do it again". My world shattered on Feb 6th this year when i lost my little Rose. I ruptured my membrane at 18 weeks and lost baby at 20 weeks. I can honestly say, i was shattered. But i believe that what keeps you going is your desire to have a baby will be stonger than your fear of trying again- thats when you will be ready to try again. I believe thats what will keep you going. xx

lizheil · 09-06-2009, 07:24 PM

Christina I also got pregnant for the first time after 2 year of TTC and miscarried Aug 3rd. It has been very tought for me as well. I have decided that I am going to memorialized my memories of the child I carried by doing a 5K walk for life that my church is sponsoring for their Womens Clinic. I feel this will be a great way to raise money to help other women who have no one to go to for answers. Fortunately for me I had my husband and my Cysters to lean on for support. I feel this will make a difference and this is what our child would have wanted me to do. We called our baby JereBeth 1/2 Jereme 1/2 Elizabeth b/c we didn't know the gender yet. We had names picked out for when we found out the gender but we never got that far. I am having T-shirts made for me and my family who are going to walk that says "In Loving Memory of JereBeth Heil 08/03/2009". We will be doing this every year and we'll never forget.

Hope you are feeling better, I know this is an old post but I am constantly in need of support.

Elizabeth

lizheil · 09-06-2009, 07:25 PM

We conceived in May as well I was 11 gestational weeks.

Kate29 · 09-07-2009, 06:48 AM

Your walk sounds like a wonderful way to remember your baby, Liz. I think it's a beautiful idea.

toomuch4acyster · 09-07-2009, 11:31 PM

Rose- "Your desire for a baby will be stronger than your fear of trying again." WOW!! Well put!! I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you the best of luck when you are ready to try again.

Elizabeth-Nice to meet you=) Wow, you and I were about a week apart, give or take. It's amazing who you can come across on threads. I admire your idea of the walk and remembering your baby every year. I have had my husband to lean on as well. He has been wonderful through all of this. We are in the military and moved here not long ago so we do not have a church family yet, and that would have been good to have through this tough time. But we are working on finding the right church for us. I found out I was pregnant at around 5 weeks and the girls at work and I called my belly Bella from the beginning and it sort of stuck. My husband was in charge of the boys name and I was in charge of the girls, he hadn't actually picked one so I just stuck with Bella Marie, named after my grandma.

I think we are all constantly in need of support and I thank the Lord we all have each other to lean on.

I don't mean to pry, and you don't have to answer, but did you have to use meds to conceive? Are you going to try again soon or are you going to wait a bit? We have to wait for af to rear her ugly head before we can try again. So we are playing the waiting game again.

lizheil · 09-08-2009, 09:15 PM

We used clomid 50mg sept08-jan09 all 5 months we o'd. My grandmother passed away in Jan and we stopped fertility after that b/c I was emotionally drained. I couldn't handle anymore disappointment and every time a/f came I grieved. We tried again on our own with a preconception lubricant that I got from CVS and their ovulation test strips in May. To my great surprise even though we were trying we got pregnant. We found out on the 22nd of June on the 23rd my hcg level came back low and from that day I never got any encouragement from the
nurses or doctors. I had to get blood drawn to check beta 2-3 times a week the next 6 weeks. They said the u/s looked like a molar pregnancy and had me worried about cancer and risking my health b/c I wanted to miscarry naturally. It was all bitter sweet. The bitterness was that they tried to not give me any hope but the sweet part was I enjoyed being a mommy while I had the chance. We did try this month my cycle is 32 days post pregnancy I started spotting cd27 and was hoping it was implantation bleeding but af showed up the next day. Before starting clomid when I would have a few reg cycles in a row never consistent they were 28 day cycles so maybe my body is going back to 28cd.

I am going to DC this weekend with some ladies and I think I am suppose to o then. So if it doesn't happen this month I am going to buy the OV watch for next month. You have to start wearing it by cd 2 or 3 I didn't realize it until after I hit day 3 in this cycle. Hopefully I don't o until I get back from DC. I am sick of dr's right now so I think if I get pregnant I won't be so insistent on all the monitoring like I was with my previous pregnancy. I am kinda embarrassed of how demanding I was b/c it didn't change anything. I even Dumped my obgyn after 1 week and went to my RE didn't like her negativity so I went to get a third opinion from another OBGYN. I was on a mission and wasn't taking no for an answer.

Hope this is our month ladies.

Elizabeth