How do you keep yourself in check?

TDoern · 07-28-2009, 05:44 PM

I'm sure this is a weird question, but it's something I'm dealing with it. To explain...

Last week I was at Walmart getting a few things... was doing just fine until I I was standing in the checkout line right by the portrait studio there. There was a woman there with a baby that didn't look to be more than a month old.

THAT was fine with me, yes seeing babies is hard at times, but I'm happy for these people, I know how it feels to long for a child. I'm thrilled for people with children, and who are pregnant, because I know what a blessing that is.

What threw me off was listening to this woman complain about the baby she was holding in her arms. She said that this baby was "bad timing" and how the baby was a "mistake". She complained that now she HAD to do monthly pictures, how she HAD to take time off work at a bad time, how she wished the baby wasn't there yet. The baby wasn't "planned" for years to come. Now she HAD to take care of the baby and it was such a pain.

How do you deal with THAT? I couldn't finish paying for my things quick enough and would have bailed from that area if I didn't have stuff on the thing that moves already.

I wanted to walk over to this woman and slap her in the face. Tell her I'd take the baby off her hands no problem. I wanted to shout at her that we'd tried for 8 years to have a child, and finally got pregnant to lose that baby 1/2 way through the pregnancy.

How do you guys keep yourself in check from losing it on some people? I've always had problems with people who don't seem to understand that children are a blessing, and that there are people who would do anything to have one.

My younger brother has a baby that will be 2 in October. His ex-girlfriend wouldn't let our family see the baby for the first 2 months then at Christmas time called Jamie and told him to come get his son because it was too much work, and she didn't enjoy dealing with this "thing". She walked out of her son's life other than the occassional visit (and mostly they give her food and stuff when she does visit). We found out she was already pregnant again.

My brother see's his son as this huge burden and really doesn't take care of him at all. I tried in the past to explain to him that while Gino wasn't planned, he had no idea how lucky he was to have a child.

Losing our baby has made these feelings even stronger. I'm afraid to talk to my brother right now because every time I've talked to for the past two years he's complained about something about his son.

How do you guys deal with this?

Tammy

DiamondInTheRough · 07-29-2009, 01:56 AM

One of the hardest things to face after your own world stops is that realization that everyone elses seems to go on unphased. I think I dealt in any way that I could. I cried when I had to, I wrote things down when I wanted to, I talked to people when I needed to. I ignored the phone and the door when I needed to also. I gave myself permission to get through each day the way I needed to, no matter what.

dstaiger · 08-01-2009, 10:00 AM

quite frankly, i dont keep myself in check.
i saw a woman in the grocery store yelling and cursing at her 18month-old. it made me sick to my stomach and i felt like she didn't know how lucky she was and what a gift he was. i walk right right up to them and started a conversation. i didn't say a word about the way she had been treating him, i just told her how beautiful he was and that my son recently died. i talked to the boy and then told her how lucky she was and give him a kiss for me each day and walked away hoping i had provided her a little perspective.
my step fathers daughter is a whole other story. she lives in VA but came up to visit this week (she does once each summer) i dont know her well but i got to meet her son right after he turned one, and this time, just barely two. our whole family went out to dinner together. he threw his fork on the floor like a two year old will and when my mother gave it back to him he did it again. the second time he did it his mother slapped him in the face!!! i was astounded and had to leave the table. i cant fight with this woman as she barely lets my step-father see his grandkids, but boy-o-boy did i want to slap her in her face.

i'm still mad!!

i dont know if there is a way to deal. if you find one let me know. until then i'll keep acting as if all the children in the world are mine to save and stalk the aisles at walmart looking for your lady to put her in her place

Wabella · 08-03-2009, 06:19 PM

Dianna - I hope I forever remember your grocery store incident and how you dealt with it. I hope some day I do the same.
Tammy - I probably would have walked away as well. However, I would have wanted to say a lot. And I probably would have spent days saying it in my head. Maybe to DH.
For a long time after our first m/c I would nearly cry when I saw pregnant woman smoking. Even now I think I am overly judgmental. Shouldn't someone who wants one so much deserve a child more than "them"?
I had a similar conversation with someone else recently and I realized how lucky I am that all of my Mom friends love and want their children more than they love and want themselves. On a daily (if not hourly and sometimes on a moment by moment) basis I look at my DD and realize how lucky I am to have her.

AylaNicole · 08-09-2009, 09:33 PM

I feel the same way even though I know everyone should be given the chance that I want I just sometimes feel as though a lot of people dont realize the gift they are giving when people like us would cut off our right arm just to get a chance. People dont realize how lucky they are till they are told you can have the one thing that you wanted in the world and comes naturally to most people.

pinkkitty · 08-13-2009, 02:50 AM

I never knew how hard life would be after a loss. After my first i didn't cope seeing a pregnant woman. Just after my my first loss miscarriage i was sent to a womens hospital (mainly births) to see if i needed a d & c. As i walked in the main door, i had to pass lots of heavily ready-to-go pregnant women puffing on cigarettes. My husband had to work with a women who was 18, no boyfriend and pregnant. She used to complain about it, and one day DH had to comment on her smoking and he got in trouble via management, but they we're aware of the loss so they understood. Also atm here in australia the government pays $900 odd dollars to every woman who has a baby, so you can imagine how bad that can get. I knew of this woman who only kept the baby so she could go on holiday, she neglegeted the newborn very badly and the hospital phoned children services to collect the baby. She apparently didn't care until she learnt that she wasn't getting that money. That little girl went home with an infertile couple who had been on the waiting list for a baby for a long time. its so depressing.

Second time round, i dont seem to care as much. i just cant seem to be bothered. there is so much evil in this world and so much we dont understand and we cant begin to make sense of how God works. But im not sure you can deal with seeing cruelty to children, but im going to take a leaf out of diannas book and say something next time. Heck we dont know them and you dont know what effect it will have, and it would be nice to have some good come out of such the terrible experience we've had.

When im in the position to do so we think we might do volunteer fostering. as hard as it would be i could help provide a stable and loving home for some neglegted children.

annem84 · 08-18-2009, 01:47 PM

I dont really--I have that attitude though and have probably stepped out of boundaries one to many times but after I lost Maya--I went through a period of time where if the words popped in my mind, they were said. It puts people on the spot and or makes them think about what they are talking about.

I've started journaling a lot, okay it was more or less an assignment from my therapist, of all the negativity that I have in my body and it has helped a lot. I dont know if you are religious or not but I have found that reading daily scripture has helped me also, esp the book of Job.

....However--I had to learn to bite my tongue because we cant reach everybody at any given pt in time, though I do wish that we could.