How do you prefer to be informed of others' pregnancies (BFN mentioned)

GabrielsMom · 07-27-2005, 10:23 PM

Yesterday I got my BFN for this cycle. But it made me wonder. If it had been positive, how would you all have wanted to find out? I don't think I would display my sig in this forum if/when I get a BFP (because I do want to have a pg ticker when the time comes). My chart is always in my ticker and I'd certainly enter a BFP in FF if I got one.

I'm not just talking about me, here. If your sister, best friend, cousin, aunt, mother, husband's friend's wife, etc... got pregnant, how/when would you want them to tell you? As for me, I don't have a problem with pregnancy announcements. On really bad days, I find it unbearable, but I haven't gotten to the point where I don't want to hear about it. Others who have struggled differently (TTC longer, stopped TTC due to bad diagnosis, etc) probably feel different. I'm really curious as to how you all feel about that.

enits · 07-27-2005, 11:51 PM

I'm amazed with myself that I don't feel bad when I hear about other people's pregnancies. For some reason, I know that their pregnancy has nothing to do with me at all and wish them well. I've struggled with infertility for about 3 years now so that may not be quite as long compared to those who have been trying to conceive for more than 5 years.

I'm sorry about your BFN, though ((hugs)) And if your announcement had been for a BFP, I would be very happy for you and would be dancing a little jig!

In the meantime, here's wishing you the very best!

saluki_fan · 07-28-2005, 12:42 PM

Adrianne,

I am sorry about the BFN.

For those close to me, I always preferred a gentle email...that way I could react/respond on my own timeframe and with privacy, know what I mean? I have always been genuinely happy for my friends that didn't try to "hide" their pregnancies from me and were very respectful of my feelings when they told me. One of DH's friends told DH and let DH break the news to me, which was also very respectful. DH's brother did a phone call, and I answered the phone. Instead of asking for DH and telling him, BIL stammered and stuttered into the phone until I finally had to say "Let me guess, you're going to have another baby". He was also very insensitive AFTERWARDS, laughing about how easy it always is for them and how their pregnancies always go perfectly. 6 months later, I still hurt from that. It was insulting to my intelligence. He should have asked for DH and then let DH tell me. I also had 1 cousin who waited till she was 7 months along to tell me and that kind of hurt as well - even my parents had hid it from me like I was some delicate flower or something - but she told me via email (she lives in Oregon so we don't ever see each other.) I think it's important to tell - you don't want to make anyone feel left out or insult their intelligence - but there's a tactful way to do everything.

***warning, PG implied***

I am getting ready to break my news to a friend of mine who just had a failed IVF cycle in spring (they have a severe male factor and can't even do IUI) and I'm dreading it. They are gearing up to try again with a new RE but I know she's still very sad about everything. I decided to tell her via email so that she can "control" her reaction and respond in her own timeframe. If anyone has any suggestions I'd love to hear them. This ties into the subject of the thread, which is why I brought it up.

TracyW2 · 07-28-2005, 01:37 PM

Right after my m/c my sil found out she was preg. Instead of calmly telling me. i had to find out months later through the grape vein. i cant even begin to tell you how much that hurt me.
It is a very hard thing to have to do. I have even had family call me up to say hey have you heard so and so it preg. I finally just went off on my mom about it. Why does even she have to call and rub it in my face? Some people need to be beaten

~tracy

TracyW2 · 07-28-2005, 01:38 PM

Oh another thing.....I love it when my cysters who have had a m/c gone on to get preg. i especialy love it when it goes on to be a successful pregnancy. It is like we are beating the odds. But yet i still ask why not me?

~tracy

JuliannePCOS · 07-28-2005, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TracyW2

Right after my m/c my sil found out she was preg. Instead of calmly telling me. i had to find out months later through the grape vein. i cant even begin to tell you how much that hurt me.

This sort of thing happens a LOT.

Shame on these people. Somehow people think that the good news of someone else being pregnant is just going to push me over the edge or something.

*Clarissa* · 07-28-2005, 04:51 PM

This is a very tough question. I really don't have an answer for, because I am not sure how I feel about it. I am always happy for someone when they get pregnant, but after my losses, I didn't want to hear about it.

I am intersted to see what everyone else says though.

VivC · 07-28-2005, 05:27 PM

This is tough. Like you, I have very bad days when I can't handle the news. Usually, though, I'm okay. After all, the new baby isn't Rivi.

I do get annoyed when somebody that I don't think "deserves" a baby gets pregnant and is left free to ruin the baby's life. I never mind when somebody here gets pregnant, since I know what they've been through to get there. But just a gentle reminder to use "pregnancy mentioned" in the subject line in this forum, gals. That way we won't be blindsided on bad days.

GabrielsMom · 07-28-2005, 05:38 PM

I think there is a woman in my department who is pregnant, but nobody is telling me about it. Is that paranoid or what? I think I am going to ask someone I am close to, point blank... on a good day. In other words, I'll ask after I get AF gets here and is gone. I can sort of understand why they'd hide it, but it only proves that they're not making any kind of effort to tell me gently... just sweep it under the rug. In their defense, I DID freak out once back in January when, at a birthday party held in my honor, a guy whose wife just had a baby came in and was bombarded with requests to see pictures. He pulled them out. I tried to control myself but I completely lost it and ran out in tears. THAT was very stupid on their part. But there is a big difference between that and telling me gently that a coworker is pregnant. Sometimes I wonder where these peoples' brains are.

*sigh*

I'm appreciating all the responses here. Please add more

JuliannePCOS · 07-28-2005, 05:44 PM

I had a co-worker who had an early m/c and was furious and angry whenever someone in the office would get pregnant. She'd get downright nasty to them because she was so jealous.

Well, she got pregnant and ended up having a baby on the same day I miscarried. When I told her I was happy for her, though.... she sorta blew it off and hasn't spoken to me since. (I don't work with her anymore.... but we were friends outside of work for a while.)

I guess she has a short memory and doesn't remember how it feels now that she has her own baby.

anivan · 07-28-2005, 07:31 PM

I agree that this is tough. I think Meghan is right. A gentle e-mail would be best. Then I can freak in private and be nice when I see this person again. I just HAAAATE it when someone starts out by saying "We didn't want to tell you this..." My stomach drops whenever I hear that. My brother & SIL are actively trying right now and I know it's going to be so tough when they get PG. (Should be any minute now...

)

It helps to know that they will be awesome parents and I love them both like crazy. My DH is so funny. Whenever I freak about someone else getting PG he says (very gently) Honey, it's not like God is going to run out of babies. True, I know. It just feels like maybe he will by the time I get one. It has happened every time I have been PG that someone else close to me gets PG too. With the twins, not one but both of my former best pals got PG too. We were due within weeks of eachother. Guess what happened to our friendship after I lost the twins?

Reebekah · 07-28-2005, 08:44 PM

*pg ment*
I cant compare HERE to the outside world, because its different. Outside, an email would be best. I still have major issues with anyone who gets pregnant easily and/or carries babies with no problems. I will probably always feel that way.
HERE, I think a thread that mentions pregnancy in the subject line is fine. Mine said "bfp...for now" or something like that. I figured that I wanted to let you all know, but you were free to read it or not read it.
Also, I am extremely happy when I see that someone on this board is pregnant. I know what you all have been through, and you DESERVE it. I will be thrilled when you announce your next pregnancy, regardless of what my status is at that time. For me, I wouldnt mind seeing your siggy (even if I hadnt gotten pregnant or if something happened) because 1)it would give me hope for myself 2)you have been through enough and deserve to express your happiness 3)if i already know you are pregnant, why would a siggy make it any harder for me?
I often leave my siggy in my post....not because I'm insensitive, but because it does not just mention my current pregnancy (which I have no idea what the outcome will be), but it also mentions my twins who I lost. If I hide my siggy, I feel like I'm hiding my history. My history is why I'm here in the first place, if that makes sense. I want to mention my twins in every single post (even if its just in my siggy)....because they are a part of me....and I want to remind people of what I've been through so that maybe I can help answer thier questions or prevent a similar loss. You would be very surprised to learn of people who have PMd me after reading my siggy (both about my losses and about what I'm doing now to prevent another loss).
Finally, I see many people from the loss board on the pregnancy board anyway, so its not like they havent seen my siggy. In my opinion...you wouldnt leave Gabriel out of your siggy, so you shouldnt have to feel obligated to leave the new baby out. People may feel a twinge of jealously for a second (and I will too, as I always wonder if someone else's pregnany will be successful and mine not be)...but that passes and we move on. A new pregnancy does not take away from what you've been through...people need to remember that.

Ugh....sorry so wordy...as always....

SheriKCMO · 07-29-2005, 01:28 AM

I feel exactly like Becky and have since the minute Mary Catherine was born. The cysters in this forum should feel free, in my opinion, of course, to scream from the rooftops that they have another chance after all they've been through.

My best friend and I went through some rocky times. She was going through fertility treatments, and I didn't even know about it... I think we had grown apart a little bit and she was embarrassed about it. When I got pregnant, she just couldn't be around me... it hurt, but I could understand to some degree. When I called to tell her that we had lost our little girl, she cried with me and told me that she wasn't sure if I would want to hear this or not... she was six weeks pg from their very last attempt at IUI (before they would have been moving on to adoption). I was ecstatic. I suppose in my view it doesn't hurt the same way when I know what the couple has endured to get that precious baby.

All that being said, I fully appreciate everyone's individual responses to this kind of thing. That's what makes us unique and special. For this reason especially, it is definitely a good idea to mention pg in the TITLE of the thread so that everyone is warned.

((Adrianne)) Sorry about the bfn this round. Give yourself plenty of time.

am419747 · 07-29-2005, 01:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivcrayton

This is tough. Like you, I have very bad days when I can't handle the news. Usually, though, I'm okay. After all, the new baby isn't Rivi.

I do get annoyed when somebody that I don't think "deserves" a baby gets pregnant and is left free to ruin the baby's life. I never mind when somebody here gets pregnant, since I know what they've been through to get there. But just a gentle reminder to use "pregnancy mentioned" in the subject line in this forum, gals. That way we won't be blindsided on bad days.

It bothers me too whenever someone who doesn't deserve a baby announces they're pregnant. That's the one thing I can't stand.

Gnzls924 · 07-29-2005, 02:23 AM

I think I would prefer email...I can take my time responding to it. And if they must call me to discuss, they can leave a message. I'll get back to them later. I am the queen of call screening!! Lately, I have gotten very.... hmmmm what's the word??? selfish. I am putting ME first. If I don't feel like doing something, then I won't do it. Unfortunately, I've tried implementing my newfound selfishness at work, but it sorta backfired...hahahaha. I guess I have to do the work, so I can get paid! So in that respect, I guess I no choice but to do whatever they ask.

But with pregnancies, I am happy for them. I just hope and pray that they realize what a miracle those babies truly are....and how fragile the state of pregnancy can be at times.