How I wish I had the time

happytoknow · 12-31-2002, 04:46 AM

I wish that I had the time and energy to go into the details of my life, and what makes me who I am today. I don't think I have it in me to do so, as thinking about it nearly brings me to tears, let alone sitting here and typing it all out. The real reason that I'm writing this is because I am worried. I was told I was manic depressive. I was put on paxil, which is not supposed to be addicting. Well, my doctor decided to up the dosage one day, to the stongest mg he could give me and told me to take it 3 times a day. I decided I didn't want to do that. While I was on the med, I was seemingly happy. But it was just making me not feel anything. I stopped taking the med and cried for 2 days, almost non stop, about anything. My fiance' would come home and turn on the light and I would cry. That passed, but the depression hasn't. All of the sudden, something will spark and I'll just start crying. A lot of it has to do with my past, but I don't know why I can't just forget about it and move on. I don't want to go back on med for depression, I just want to be normal and live a normal life. I worry that I'm putting too much on my fiance'. I know he loves me so very much. But I don't know how much he will be able to put up with. I've talked to him about it, and he said that he loves me no matter what and that he'll always be there for me. But inside, I wonder if my troubled past will get in the way of us being happy in the future. I love him so much and I don't want to push him away or make him feel like he has to take care of me. But sometimes it hurts so bad that I almost want to go back to hitting things or cutting on myself to make it go away. I haven't done that since I was 16 and I'm 22 now. I tried counseling with no success. Now, I'm trying to cut the ties to my family, which was the cause of most of my past problems, hoping that will help. Does that make sense? Your thoughts will be greatly appreciated.

syren · 01-01-2003, 02:19 AM

I am currently withdrawing from Paxil and it's a horrible, horrible time. I was on it for anxiety issues during my 1st pregnancy. Do not believe them when they say it's non-habit forming. I have never experienced a worse withdrawal than this.

Does your doc know you're trying to come off your meds? It's very important to have their help to get off. It may be best for you to stay on your medication. The only reason I am comig off is because I believe my first child was born addicted to paxil and I wanted to be off by the time baby #2 arrives.

Like you, I felt nothing while I was on paxil. Everything was so bland. You really should talk to your doc and maybe they can find a better medication for you.

blazinghussy · 01-01-2003, 03:05 PM

I know what you mean about not being able to just let the past go already!

It's hard, and it's a habit. And habits are hard to break, this one even more so. Repeat to yourself anytime you feel the past holding you down, "I'm an adult now. I was helpless then and I coped the best way I knew how, but now I'm grown and I know that's not going to help"

That little mantra (adjusted to whatever works best for you) is what slowly got me through my treatment for my eating disorder.

I still have my moments and when they come, I let them have their say for about 15 minutes and then out they go, sometimes they don't, but most of the time they do.

I know I'll get dismissed or flamed for saying this but you're still very young! It gets SOOOO much better as the years pass. I'm 29 now (still young, damnit!) and I know I have much, much more to learn about life and myself, but I also know that I know a thousand times what I did when I was 21/22.

Try therapy again. I had to go through about 5 or 6 therapists over the course of about 10 years before I found one I liked that was actually HELPING me for once. You should be able to tell by the first or second session whether or not it's going to work out and do you any good, if it's not then go to someone else! Therapy's wonderful and I have no idea where I'd be if it hadn't been for my therapist.

Most of all, hang in there and take care of YOU because in the end it's all going to be ok and you're going to be a woman of incredible strength.

BH