How to live with difficult people?

ABumpyGal · 03-10-2006, 01:23 AM

Hello Ladies!
I'd appreciate any guidance you could give me on an issue that has steadily become worse over the past two years. I only have to deal with it until April 9th, but that seems so very far away right now!

Due to financial circumstances and the former house we used to rent being sold without enough warning for us to save up the security deposit and find a new place to rent, my partner and I have had to move back in with our respective parents. While I was glad to not be homeless, and thankful that they would take me back in (I was, of course, paying rent) the situation at my parent's house quickly became untenable. My father has become physically abusive towards my mother, as well as myself for defending her, and one morning my father told me to take my cats (that they agreed could come with me if they lived in the basement) to the pound by noon or he would. No reason, just out of the blue. My parents know my cats are basically my children, or the closest thing I'll have to them in this lifetime, and that is just cruel to the cats, period. So I took the cats and fled to my partner's parent's house. I now only come to my parent's house when necessary for doctors appointments (as all of my doctors are an half an hour north of here and their house is an hour's drive north from partner's town).

So I spend most of my time at his parent's home. Or, more accurately, his large bedroom and our bathroom accross the hall. I do not go into any of the other rooms as partner's sister (henceforth SIL, for short) and brother (BIL), who are both in their twenties live there as well as partner's parents. SIL has MAJOR mental issues and I never know when she is going want to be my "buddy" or my "worst enemy" (and this is with no interaction!), so I just avoid the rest of the house and hide in our room. BIL has his own major mental issues, but he at least doesn't direct them at me and his seem less malignant, manipulative, and pure evil. The parents have admitted that they are afraid of their own children and let them do whatever they want, so as to avoid conflict with them. Yet they don't mind harrassing the hell out of my partner, as they know he's mature and not a literal threat.

We're FINALLY in a financial position to move out and have reserved a place for April 9th. We were hoping to move out on April 1st, but suddenly this neighborhood has gone from half empty to raising the rent a few hundred bucks (just this month! How lucky is that!) and having waiting lists. We're going to have to come up with just shy of $3,000 to move in now, instead of the $2,000 we were planning on (and that was for a nicer model). I have no earthly idea how we will do that, but you'll see why we were forced to... and why having to wait a whole, whopping eight extra days had me ready to find a tall bridge

Why do we have to get out of there? Here's some things SIL has done in just the past six months: stolen around 40 of my 10mg Valium (she's lucky she isn't DEAD! I had the fun of experiencing a "withdrawal seizure" from dropping my dose quickly), stolen exactly 10 of my 100mg Zonegran (mood stabilizer), stolen untold amounts of toiletries nightly from our bathroom (including half a tube of my Rembrandt toothpaste! UGH!), pounded randomly on our door at 3:45am when partner has to get up at 6am (and then ran away!), does 5-6 hours of laundry every other day or so (she washes each piece seperately, on the high water level), then immediately begins this bizarre showering/bathing ritual that lasts anywhere from 6 to 12 hours or more (lately it has been about 12hrs), will often take a shower during the day as well (remember, SIX people live here!!), gets in screaming/cussing matches with her mother daily and her brother often, gets into physical fights with her brother often, tried to steal some of my things right under my nose in our room when she bounded in after asking to "borrow" something (as I've been forced to keep all of my things under lock and key in our room, which drives her NUTS!!), is abusing her ADD (which no one really thinks she has) medication and sleeps perhaps an hour daily, stomps tromps and throws things on her bedroom floor (which is above our room) so we can't sleep either, and much, much more!!!

I've tried reasoning with her, as she is a 23 year old adult, even though that it hard to believe by the way she acts. I often miss being able to bathe due to her hogging the water and forget taking a shower to wash your hair! I have Hidradenitis Suppurativa and I told her that she knows how painful this can be for me and that I really need to take at least one bath daily. My hair is mid-thigh length and she has always been jealous of it, even though I have tried to help her with her own hair. I told her that it is beginning to fall out, showed her the thin spots that haven't filled in yet, and is becoming damaged due to only being washed when I'm at my parents house and how I really need to be able to take a shower every other day. The stupid snot turned her head and brought up her hand to try to cover her mouth as she smirked!! It was ALL I could do not to "snatch her bald-headed" as my colorful speaking mother would say!

Especially since I was running on only a few hours of sleep in the past few weeks, as she simply will not let us sleep!!

Sorry that was so long, but I felt I had to give you some sort of an idea of what we are dealing with here. That's only about a quarter of it really! Nor does that touch on lovely BIL and his fighting with his parents that can get so violent that he once threw a vacuum cleaner (a big ol' Electrolux no less!) at his father so hard it shattered

I have PTSD due to, in part, being abused by my father as a child and being in two sadistically abusive relationships. Even wearing noise cancelling headphones with music cranked up I hear all of this and often literally look like this:

while there.

My question is, how in the heck can I survive this next month?? I have no relatives I can stay with, money is waaay too tight for even the seediest of motels. Money's even too tight to go out now, and without being able to clean up or even dye my hair I couldn't anyway. I'm trying to spend as much time as I can at my parent's house, but being in the house with the same man that did that to me as a child and is now violently and unpredictably attacking my mother (and I know how our state handles DV, sadly. He'd be right back out to kill her) is shall we say... difficult.

I know you ladies are fabulously intelligent and should be able to think of at least one thing I haven't. So far I've been "bathing" as best I can at the bathrom sink a few times a day, but my hair is waaay too long to wash in the sink or tub that way. The reason showering is so dangerous is that SIL is VERY evil and vindictive and will usually begin running as much hot water as she can, thus freezing me and giving me muscle spasms due to my Fibromyalgia. Washing my hair in the bathtub makes my Hidradenitis worse. I feel like I can't win!!

So please ladies, any ideas AT ALL are welcomed! I was actually thinking of committing myself, but I'm nowhere near crazy enough for anything like that and they would just let me out after 72 hours. I'm seriously open to any ideas as I'm so very desperate! I'm afraid I'm going to kill her before the month is out!!
Dana

cysterof2miracles · 03-10-2006, 02:21 AM

Hugs Dana
What about a homeless shelter? You could go there and shower, it wouldn't be the best in the world but I think you would be safer!
I think I would live out of my car and go to truck stops to take a shower b/f living in that mess.

ABumpyGal · 03-11-2006, 07:56 AM

Thanks Rose!

My shrink actually suggested that, so good call! My only concern with the shelter I know about is that it is open to both sexes and, from what I've read in the paper, not too safe. But neither is where I'm living now! It's like you have two choices... the devil you know, or the devil who could be worse, or could be better, as you don't know them. I called to check if I could just shower there and they said, "No, you have to participate in the whole program". That means moving in

I asked them to please send me a brochure, paperwork, anything explaining the rules and that I'd send a SASE if they wanted. Ohhh my! Like many places in this area, it's really a drug rehab. I'm on three controlled substances, including painkillers, prescribed to me by a physician and without them I literally cannot move. You aren't "allowed" to have any such thing there, legit or no. So there went that option! There have to be more shelters around though, and perhaps some will let you just shower. That's all I need! I'll leave them whatever donation I can afford for the priveledge as well.

Truck stop, however, I hadn't thought of! I thank you for that!!! (((((hugs)))))! There aren't as many of those up here as down in your area (I have family down there. I'd love to move to Knoxville if we could!), but there is a pretty big one up by Baltimore. I would just hope they have men's AND women's facilities, as that trips me up a bit thanks to my past. I'll have to look into that, and I thank you with all my heart for giving me the idea Rose! This was exactly what I was hoping for when I posted! Fresh ideas from smart ladies!

Someone once suggested a gym, which would be perfect on so many levels, but I couldn't find one that didn't want both a huge "initiation fee" AND to do credit card billing only. I have one lone Sears card and can't get any other cards due to my low income. Pretty soon you'll literally need a major credit card to do anything, which seems absurd to me. Curves was the only one that allowed you to pay cash, but I believe it still had to be drawn directly from your bank account (I could be remembering incorrectly though. I went to so many gyms that day they all blurred together!). Our local Curves didn't offer showers, either. Ah well! The complex we're moving into has two olympic sized pools and a small gym facility with treadmills, weights, and the elliptical machine I've wanted for so long!! And that will be "free" with our rent! And all the showering we can afford!

If I can just make it until the ninth!

My MIL is terribly aggitated that we're moving out, especially that the area we are moving to isn't all that safe. Partner had a talk with her about it and she just kept repeating, "But why? Why would you do this when you have a safe place to live here?" He finally laid it out on the line for her... that I haven't been able to shower or bathe thanks to the activities of many in this house. That, unlike him and the rest of the family, I'm not comfortable fighting and screaming just for the opportunity to take a shower and will sit it out and wait. And wait. And wait. She had no idea, but thinks there's nothing she can do about it. That I should learn to fight and scream and yell more. Um, no. Dana's fighting looks like this:

I don't do the drama stuff they do in this house! I either negotiate like an adult, or if you choose to get in my face... I'm trying to learn to control that anger, so I just stay away! Tomorrow is hair washing day, so poor partner literally has to put masking tape over each tap, toilet, or washing machine that says "NO!!! Dana is taking a shower! Wait 15 minutes!!" on it and then patrol the house so they don't pull any crap. At least my hair and body will be clean, but dang that is sad!

Thank you again for you suggestions Rose!! I really appreciate it more than you could know! That might enable me to get through the next few weeks a bit easier.
Dana

AlyBlu · 03-11-2006, 08:32 AM

Dana - Have you thought of asking you Counselor if they are affliated with any hospital that would let you use there employee showers? Also Rec centers usually have a drop in fee.

ABumpyGal · 03-11-2006, 09:37 AM

Thanks Aly!

I do know they are affiliated with Shepperd-Pratt, but man would that be a haul through some mean traffic. At that point a commute to my parent's house would be more feasable. But that was a hell of a good idea, and I thank you for it! Our local hospital is only a few blocks away and I wouldn't be above talking to their psych unit about it, but they shut down their psych unit due to lack of funds.

And you want to know just how stingy our state is? We don't have rec centers in the suburbs for anyone but seniors. And until very recently even the senior centers were just old schools they didn't know what to do with, so they'd offer bingo and lunches in them so the old folks wouldn't starve. We do have "rec programs", but that's basically sports for the kids; which is why all of our area "parks" are really ball fields. You'd think we'd get more for the taxes we pay (and yep, even destitute ol'me helps my parents pay their $5,000 in real estate taxes. And believe me, it's no mansion! We won't even talk about partner's nearly $10,000 in income taxes

). I am glad that at least the kids in the city get rec centers, though. It makes sense to put them there. We do have YMCAs, but they've turned into any other gym as far as expense; if not more expensive.

And boy am I curmudgeonly tonight! Sorry 'bout that!! I do appreciate your help... vastly so! Goodness knows my mooshy brain can't think of any more options. Maryland's just this odd little state with high taxes and little in the way of services, no roads or real public trans, and absolutely insane traffic. This can limit one's options a bit at times.

I have grown some intense sympathy for people worse off than I, however. I always have kept in mind no matter how crappy living here is, I'm warm. Now that I've searched and searched for an affordable way just to maintain basic hygiene for a few weeks and have come up with very little, especially if one doesn't have a car, I feel even more horrible for those less fortunate than I. If I ever hear someone more fortunate on the street complain about a "stinky" homeless person, oh they'll definitely get the chair!

Thanks again Aly!

Only 28 days to go now! If I can just keep this HS down to a dull roar... that's my main issue. Sink bathing with the Nizoral is holding that down, but I've got a hellava nasty one from just having to have that chocolate chip cookie. Boy am I paying for that!
Dana

scottishsweetie · 03-13-2006, 09:52 PM

Oh Dana Dana Dana!

I can't even imagine the hell you are going through right now. My first suggestions I can think of are some of those camp sites (like KOA- etc.) have public bathing facilities that you can just walk into and out of... An old friend's grandfather used to use them all the time while living out of his truck for about a month!!
Both places sound horrible and unlivable but if you had to choose the lesser of 2 evils would you choose your parent's house? The fact that evil SIL steals your meds is dangerous to your health and the bathing thing... I can't even imagine that. I hate that your father is so abusive and has caused you so much pain... How hard is it to stay away from him? That really is a silly question of me to ask- you shouldn't have to deal with abuse from anybody... My point is that there are groups out there that foster animals for a period of time when you need an adjustment period. My mom does it all the time- she is part of Friends of Animals and fosters cats for 3 or 4 weeks (or however long needed) and then gives them right back to their owners when it is time to move. She even provides their food and litter if the owner really can't afford it. I would DIE before I gave up my cats so I can understand why you took them to your partner's house and are putting up EVERYTHING you are dealing with!!! I would be happy to foster them if you lived in GA. If you could check into the truck stop or camp site facilities I can check on pet foster homes in your area if you like. My mom has connections. That way you at least know your kitties are safe. I'll keep thinking- GA has strange rules too and horrible traffic so I think we can think of something if we put our heads together.

MORE HUGS TO YOU THAN YOU CAN HOLD SWEETIE!!!!

ABumpyGal · 03-14-2006, 03:08 AM

Thanks Scottishsweetie!

I'm glad to hear you still sounding in good spirits... that does my heart good

I hadn't thought of a campground, either. That's brilliant and I thank you for the idea! I don't know where any are around here, but you would think there would have to be at least one, with the Chesapeake Bay here and all that. I'll look into it!

You would honestly think that my parent's house would be a more logical choice, wouldn't you? It does make sense on the surface, but ohhh dear me! For complete disclosure, my father sexually abused me at 4, which made it rather difficult to be around him even before he began abusing my mother. Of his eight siblings two have now died of Alzheimers and another two have been diagnosed, and he's showing signs of some sort of dementia. This leads him to say and do some really inappropriate things, besides the outright abuse.

And he's a sort of "professional abuser" compared to my wacked out, spoiled SIL. I can't escape him, in fact, as I must hang up my car keys (I drive my mother's old car because I'm disabled and a car just isn't going to fit on my "to buy" list) in the kitchen, alongside everyone else's keys. He takes them. When I was just a tiny child he took the locks off of every window in the house, so we can't lock him out, and the only door "allowed" to have a lock on it is the bathroom door, for the same reason. I developed my difficulty sleeping in bed at night there due to this. I now tend to sleep in my computer chair, wherever I am, with the lights on. This isn't very restful... not to mention how it bloats me. Goodness! I wish I hadn't picked up that habit, although with my shrink's help, I can understand.

Plus he's a scary, scary man. He always has been towards me and now he's worse. And because he's literally out of his head, he can come after me or my mother at any time; it doesn't have to make any sense at all. I can't in any way "be good", no matter how bizarre, and have him leave me or her alone. I've lost a lot of weight, but I'm still no slip of a girl and never will be, and this man now outweighs me by a good measure now. When I was bigger I worried less, as I figured I could "take out" a 69 year old man if I have to, but now... I have reasons to not be so sure of that. He's also one of those cretins who thinks that because it's "HIS" house he can "kill you if [he] wanted. And don't you forget it!"

He picks fights endlessly with my mother, who will never learn to just keep her mouth shut, kick him out, or leave, so it's always just loads of fun around there. And he's there 24/7, 365 days a year with a bedroom right next to mine. I'm supposed to be in bed by 10pm and no matter how many sleeping pills and benedryl I take I just can't always do that; but I do make sure to be as silent as possible. He doesn't even want me using the bathroom after 10, so I even try to abide by that. It doesn't matter... it's about control, not reality. So round and round we all go again.

There's just no way I can fully explain the evil that happens at that house. Sure I could shower, but I'm not quite sure I'm willing to pay that price. It was honestly a very good suggestion, as one would think it would have to be better at "home", but ohhh... there's a reason I drive down here each week, and it's not just to see my partner (even though I would miss him. We've spent time apart when circumstances got in the way before). This isn't even taking my untreated (by her choice), personality disordered mother into consideration. Although the reason we wanted to get a two bedroom was so that we could hopefully get her away from my father. I wouldn't relish the idea of living with her, but she is my mother! I want her away from him!

So I thank you for thinking of me hon, but this situation is so damn complicated. I watch how these people act and think to myself, "And they call me crazy! Sheesh!" Last night SIL ended up barking like a dog again. Loudly. At 4am. I honestly think she wants people to think she's a lot crazier than she is, and is just putting on a good act with most of this stuff. I've decided I can probably let my hair go all to hell and nurse it back, as I can usually wash it once a week if I'm not ill and make it to my parent's house each week for my therapy appointment, but I'm going to have to be vigilant with those sink baths a few times a day unless I find another option. I've worked so hard to beat this skin disease back a bit, like hell if I'll let some spoiled brat take that away!! I'll make it somehow... and it's less than a month to go now!

I thank you for helping me out! I hope everything is going ok in your world. Go out and enjoy those new clothes when you can!

Dana

batb23 · 03-14-2006, 06:27 AM

HI FIRST OF ALL I AM SO VERY SORRY WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. I THOUGHT THAT MY MOTHER-IN-LAW LIVING WITH ME AND MY HUSBAND WAS ENOUGH TO DRIVE SOMEONE NUTS YOU ARE HAVING TO PUT UP WITH PEOPLE THAT SHOULD BE THE ONES TO BE COMMITED AND NOT YOU. HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT ANY CHURCHES OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT SOME OF THEM HAVE SHOWERS AND STUFF LIKE THAT AND I AM SURE IF YOU EXPLAINED TO THEM THEY WOULD BE MORE THAN WILLING TO HELP AT LEAST I HOPE THAT THEY WOULD. AGAIN I AM VERY SORRY FOR YOU AND HOPE THAT YOUR TIME THERE JUST FLIES BY.

scottishsweetie · 03-14-2006, 08:09 PM

Oh Dana,

You have such a positive attitude and super outlook on what seems like could be one of the absolute worst situations in the world!!!
Just keep saying 'only a few more weeks, only a few more weeks...' and it will all be here before you know it!!

I just keep re-reading everything you have gone through/are going through and you are ONE STRONG LADY!!!!! One of a kind!!!

Love Ya!!

serenity1981 · 03-14-2006, 11:15 PM

i am so sorry abumpygirl your going through so much, i hope you always know you can talk to me if you need a shoulder to lean on.

dreamy28 · 03-15-2006, 08:37 AM

Hi Dana,

Do you have a YMCA nearby? Sometimes they will let you shower there for a nominal fee...$1 or $2.

mandi78 · 03-16-2006, 12:06 AM

Where I live, the Indian tribes have very nice, very clean convenience store/gas stations with showers in them. Do you have anything like this in your area?

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It's hard when you are in a lose-lose situation. Do you have any other relatives or friends nearby who you could stay with just until time to move in? I'm sure if you did, youl would already be doing that though. Good luck with everything.