how many of you men were with your woman before she was diagnosed? - Page 2

Minicooper · 07-13-2008, 02:46 PM

You girls are so blessed to have men in your lives who are caring and understanding. My DH was with me before I was Dx and since then I have gained about 90 lbs (2kids later) he says that it doesn't bother him but I know that it does and he makes me feel like PCOS is an excuse for the weight and that it is not a real condition.

ladyevidence · 07-15-2008, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Minicooper

You girls are so blessed to have men in your lives who are caring and understanding. My DH was with me before I was Dx and since then I have gained about 90 lbs (2kids later) he says that it doesn't bother him but I know that it does and he makes me feel like PCOS is an excuse for the weight and that it is not a real condition.

*hugs Minicooper* I'm sorry to hear that. I could imagine that some men can be that way, and I'm sorry yours is. I hope you have enough support for all of this, even if your husband acts this way. We believe you!

Mine can act like that in one regards: sex. Sometimes he thinks I fake pain to excuse me (like some women do with headaches). He gets it more than enough anyway, so I don't let myself feel to bad in those occasions.

Minicooper · 07-15-2008, 06:46 PM

Thanks for the encouragement!!

Fyn_Hubby · 07-22-2008, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tukeetukee

My question for you men (or you women ABOUT your men) is this: Do you guys say stuff like this just to make us feel better, or is my mom right in saying that the first impression sticks and you guys don't see us any differently now that we've been diagnosed than we were back in the days that our symptoms were "waiting"?? I hope that makes some sense to you.

The answer to your first question there, as written, is "No". The reason being that you used the wonderfully crap'tactular word "just". If you take that stinking word out of there though, then you've got a "Yes".

Do I do it just to make her feel better? Absolutely not. I'm not going to say something I don't mean just to make you feel better. That might be a little brutal in some instances, but I'm not going to feed you lies whether you're my wife or not. If somebody doesn't mean what they say, it's usually pretty obvious. If you have to take a second to ponder and think about it (did he really mean that, or was he just saying that...?) then chances are he meant it. If he says it and you immediately want to slap him in the face and call him a liar, then you can pretty well count on being just to make you feel better.

Do I tell my wife things to make her feel better (note the absence of "just")? You're dang skippy, I do. The better she feels the happier she is, and the happier she is the happier I am. If she feels like crap, then so do I. But lying makes me feel even worse. Whatever I can do to make her day better is going to be done as long as it's possible for me to do it. When she gives me that big smile and the green eyes start to sparkle, I better be sitting down because the knees aren't going to hold up for long.

As to the second half of your question: I met my wife online, and it wasn't until about 2-2.5 years after we were married that we found out she had PCOS (hadn't even heard about it until then). While I did see pictures of her before I met her, I actually got to know her through email, IM, and telephone. I grew to love her for who she was, regardless of what she looked like. When I met her in person the first time, there was a mixture of "holy crap, a girl that amazing is actually interested in a goof like me!?!?" and "how in the world am I going to impress her enough not to leave me". I got so nervous about not screwing anything up that I actually forgot to smile for about 4 hours and almost screwed it up just from that. But, that's another story.

Anyway, the question was whether or not that first impression sticks with us. My case might be a little different since my first impression was the person she really was, not what she looked like. The woman I fell in love with on the phone is still the person I feel every time I'm around her. When I see her, I don't really see the physical person, I can see just her eyes or the color of her hair, and I instantly know that's the woman I love. It's kind of like seeing a red octagonal sign and instantly knowing it's a stop sign even without reading it. If I really stop and just look at her as the person rather than as my wife then I still see her being her, but I have to consciously focus on what she looks like to not see her as I did the first time. And even then, the second I turn off the focus she steps right back into the role of my amazing wife.

I couldn't care less if she was completely bald, had hair down to her waist, wore a size 5 or a size 55. I fell in love with her for who she is, not for the body she has.

Fyn_Hubby · 07-22-2008, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Minicooper

You girls are so blessed to have men in your lives who are caring and understanding. My DH was with me before I was Dx and since then I have gained about 90 lbs (2kids later) he says that it doesn't bother him but I know that it does and he makes me feel like PCOS is an excuse for the weight and that it is not a real condition.

I'll go ahead and throw some male perspective into this to try an explain a little bit more what he might be thinking.

Typically speaking, we have a number of uncontrollable urges that cause problems like this to occur:

(1) We always want to fix things. Not necessarily in the sense of "the car's broken, so I'm gonna fix it" or "the sink is leaking, I'll take care of it", but we see a problem and we try to fix it "You want to loose some weight, so lets go do some exercise or get started on a diet".

(2) We might be as stubborn as you can imagine at times, but we're also naturally impatient. Losing weight is easier for men than it is for women, simple fact. Every diet my wife and I have gone through, I loose 2x as fast as she does, almost to the exact pound (she drops 3, I drop 6). We, men, don't even have to do much exercise (we suck, I know). So we take our experience and apply it to you "It's not that hard! Come on, just do it and let's go."

(3) Impatience quickly leads to frustration, which usually develops into some form of blame or hostility. Not violence (hopefully), but still hostility - such as saying that you're using excuses because you don't really want to try. "It's not your PCOS that's holding you back, it's you! You don't want to try, you just want to give up and blame something else."

(4) After the frustration sets in, it's time to give up. "Forget this crap, I can't do anything about it, so you can deal with it or you can ignore it. I'm done." The problem is beyond him, so its best to act like the problem doesn't exist at all and just move on.

All of these things combined often lead to something along the lines of the hubby giving up and just telling you to do it on your own. He "did his part" and you "didn't even try", so he's going to give up on trying to help and just let you do it on your own. The suckers like this would deserve a swift kick in the balls if they hadn't already lost them. However, it's caused by weaknesses that all men have. If you spend a lot of time fighting those weaknesses, then it's easier to overcome them most of the time, but even then we slip back sometimes. If the guy's usually got a negative attitude and spends more time giving into those weaknesses, then he's more prone to slipping into them with you as well.

Getting back to Mini here though, most likely he's run into a similar situation as what I mentioned somewhere there above. He feels that you've given up and taken to blaming an outside source. Part of that problem is the fact that he can't relate. He doesn't know what you're going through, and since he can't actually see any reason for you to be struggling as hard as you are, he doesn't think you're giving a real effort. He tells you its alright when he doesn't mean it because he looks at it as a problem that he can't fix because you aren't trying to fix it yourself. Take note there, that this is how men think by nature - these thoughts aren't the truth, they're just how his mind would interpret something like this. Part of the problem is that he can't relate, he can't understand. The other part of the problem is what I talked about above with natural tendencies telling him he's done what he can and now it's time to just give up.

He can get over it if he's willing to try, but be aware of that stubbornness I mentioned up there, because it's a close relative of pride too. Admitting that he's got a problem and needs to work on fixing it can either cause him to resist, or he'll think that he deserves to blame something else too and say that he just can't do anything about it and then he might give up on his own problem too. Support from both sides often results in success, while a lack of support on either side is more likely to come crashing down.

Fyn_Hubby · 07-22-2008, 06:37 PM

Sorry, apparently I'm very long winded today.

biker_jt · 08-10-2008, 11:58 AM

I'm another guy on the board here. I am know for using analogies to help me get my thoughts in words. have you even seen the movie Shallow Hal? think of us guys, or some of us anyway, as Hal. we see our SO as Gwyneth Paltrow no matter what. I know that sounds stupid and cheesy but I am willing to bet the guys on this board will back me up on it. I was married before my wife was dx and she has researched it and I come here on and off to read up.

sdw10 · 08-13-2008, 02:28 PM

No difference whatsoever in how I view my wife after being diagnosed. I love her and always will no matter what. Besides, it's a challenge we can take on together. We try to stay positive together and hopefully soon we'll have good news.

aprilwashere256 · 08-13-2008, 07:28 PM

My husband knew I had health problems before we got serious. Now we just have confirmation on what was wrong. He loves me regardless of what problems I have and has been there with me every step of the way. He understands when I'm in pain and babies me to help me feel better. I'm pretty lucky to have him.

adea8 · 08-13-2008, 08:28 PM

dh was with me after i was diagnosed and still by my side

lisaleah11 · 08-14-2008, 05:40 PM

My husband and I are high school sweethearts. Right out of high school we moved in together and I wasnt the smallest girl then, about a size 9-12 area. And he was a very thin guy. I've always had unwanted hair, not just from pcos but i got it genetically. I told him about it, and he was totally fine with it. Then after a year of living together and not eating healthy I gained 50 lbs and shot up to a size 16. He gained about the same amount too, since out of high school he got a desk job, didnt excercise, and ate poorly. So we were in it together and supported each other. Once I gained the weight I found out I had pcos. I was fatter, hairier, and couldnt predict my periods. And I swear my husband wanted me more than ever. I always ask him what if I cant have your kid? And he always replies with "As long as I have you." I know he means it, but sometimes I fear hes a little disappointed. I also kinda fear the pressure, since my husband name is the 4th.. so his name is ment to keep going in the family. Im very scared that it will stop with him, and I can only hope his family will understand. Lately, I told him I want to start vitamin and other alternative type meds, and he was totally fine with it and even asked if he could take some vitamins with me. I told him I need to loose weight to higher my chances of a kid, he was fine with it and asked if he could join. Even though hes not happy about me loosing weight cuz hes afraid my boobs will get smaller lol. So I feel like I dont just have an understanding and loving husband, I have a supporter who will help and motivate me to do the things I need to. I love him and dont know what I would do without him.

lecroy30 · 08-26-2008, 06:41 AM

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder.

serenityy · 09-01-2008, 05:51 PM

I am Serenityy's husband. When we first met I thought she was stunning and after six years of marriage she has gained a lot weight do to pcos. No matter how much weight she gains, she gets more beautiful as time goes by.