How to move on an not feel guilty?

jnmanderson · 11-03-2005, 11:48 AM

Hi ladies -

I really want to look towards the future, feel positive about an upcoming pregnancy, and TTC again. Yet when I try I feel guilty about it because I feel like if I move on that I will forget - about how I felt when I told DH that we were pregnant, that I will forget how MIL cried when we told her, how excited we were at the 1st u/s etc.

I guess I wonder how move forward and not feel guilty about it?

SheriKCMO · 11-03-2005, 12:43 PM

It's right there in your signature. Your Sweet Pea will be in your heart forever.

It is impossible to erase this experience, no matter how many future children you have. Don't worry about that!! But the main point I want to make is that our babies want their parents to be happy, and that will most likely include having a family with living children to raise. What child would want you to spend the rest of your life crying and feeling sorry for yourself that you never held your own baby in your arms? No one would want that.

There will probably always be a little pang of guilt in my life for focusing so much time and effort on the kids in this house who can make noise and run around, but honestly, I will do what I can to honor my Little Number One, INCLUDING doing the best I can to be happy raising her little siblings.
Hugs,
Sheri

jnmanderson · 11-03-2005, 03:23 PM

Thanks Sheri for letting me know that I'm not the only one that feels a bit guilty. Yet you are so right that our little ones would not want us to be unhappy all the time.

I guess I'm just struggling right now because (as all of us have felt here) was so happy to be pregnant. After 15 months of TTC I felt it was my time and I had always wanted a spring baby (which I was getting) and even with PCOS I just really wasn't prepared for the m/c. I have heard several woman talk on her about not getting to attached because of the higher risks of m/c with PCOS women - yet honestly been on the Met for so long that I really never thought about it happening to me until the u/s. Maybe that is why I'm struggling so much because I wasn't better prepared.

I suppose that when I get pg next time that my innocent about m/c will be gone and maybe (doubt) that I won't get so attached from the get go.

Thanks for listening!

saluki_fan · 11-03-2005, 03:40 PM

Hi there. Sorry for the tough things you are going through right now.

Quote:

I guess I wonder how move forward and not feel guilty about it?

I just always tell myself over and over that the losses WERE NOT MY FAULT and I did everything I could to ensure a healthy pregnancy with every single one of those babies. I didn't know I had a clotting problem at the time. There was nothing I could have done to prevent those losses.

Reminding myself that it wasn't my fault helps make the guilt go away. It's still there often, though. I struggle with it all the time.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 11-03-2005, 03:55 PM

Michelle,
I think we've all felt what you are feeling. It only natural. But, never worry that you will forget the baby you lost. You won't. Sweet Pea will always be a part of your life, and will live in your heart forever. Sweet Pea wants to see Mommy happy!

JuliannePCOS · 11-03-2005, 05:03 PM

I agree that it's natural. ((hugs)) to you.

I think that my 2 m/cs will make me that much more appreciative when I do finally have a baby. I think, in many ways, I'll be a more patient and loving mommy because of all the trials and tribulations I've had to get there.

enits · 11-03-2005, 06:28 PM

I echo everyone's thoughts. I don't think there's any way we can ever forget the baby/ies we lost. I remember breaking down on my 2nd pregancy because I felt so guilty. I had to remind myself, even though I already knew it, that the baby I was carrying wasn't meant to replace the one we lost. Sadly, I lost that baby, too.

Hang in there and keep on moving forward and always remember the ones you love.

VivC · 11-04-2005, 01:56 AM

((Sweetie)). I think my biggest fear about moving on was that I'd forget Rivi. I used to spend hours reliving every second of his life - his first cry, his goodbye squeak, the way his hand clenched around my finger.

Now I'm more than a year past that loss, and I'm finally realizing that I'll never forget him. I never could. Honestly, he is so imprinted on my heart that I could have NO memory left, and I'd still remember him.

I think pregnancy after a loss takes a lot of patience with yourself. And you'll still be nutty. But you'll never forget your first baby.

Viv

jnmanderson · 11-04-2005, 11:20 AM

Ladies - each and everyone of you have given me hope in your words

I know that moving on is what I need to do - while I know I will still have bad days and bad moments I will also have good ones that is just part of life! My Sweet Pea was here much to short of time yet the trials getting pg and now in staying pg I'm learning more about myself and what I am capable of!

Quote:

Originally Posted by saluki_fan

Reminding myself that it wasn't my fault helps make the guilt go away. It's still there often, though. I struggle with it all the time.

I think that is what I need to remember that it wasn’t my fault – I guess that is hard to wrap your mind around yet it is 100% true.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JuliannePCOS

I think that my 2 m/cs will make me that much more appreciative when I do finally have a baby. I think, in many ways, I'll be a more patient and loving mommy because of all the trials and tribulations I've had to get there.

I’ve thought these same thoughts; so I suppose that in this instance that I’m thankful that out of my grieve that I can pull from that and will be able to appreciate my future baby even more!

Quote:

Originally Posted by enits

I had to remind myself, even though I already knew it, that the baby I was carrying wasn't meant to replace the one we lost.

Enits – thanks I guess you kind of have given me the light bulb moment I needed! The future baby I will carry and have is not a replacement but separate. I guess I never really thought of it that way and now makes me feel better about moving on – I’m not trying to replace.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VivC

I used to spend hours reliving every second of his life - his first cry, his goodbye squeak, the way his hand clenched around my finger.

Viv – the words of your message made me realize something – unlike with your Rivi I never got any of those moments (even if for a short time) such as 1st cry or holding them. I suppose that is why I was concerned that I would forget – as all I have is pics of a hpt and not even an u/s pic; nothing I can but away and look at from time to time to bring the memories back. I just have the love in my heart and that love is something that will never leave me!

SheriKCMO · 11-04-2005, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jnmanderson

I had always wanted a spring baby (which I was getting) and even with PCOS I just really wasn't prepared for the m/c.

parenthood is very humbling, both with a living child and a deceased one. we think we know what we want or what is important or what would be fun, and the little squirts come along and show us what's really important or that what we want is never going to happen, etc. you might never get that spring baby, but you can have dozens of springs with your future kids, and in the end you will be happy with it. i think i have lowered my standards to such a level at this point, as long as my kid is alive, i'm the happiest mother on earth. i have learned that we can't take anything else for granted.

as for not getting attached early, i really don't think it's possible for most people. there is no way to brace yourself for a loss so that you aren't devestated, imo. just feel what you feel and hope for the best. next time, even though you know what can happen, you should let the love flow as naturally as it comes to you.
((hugs))

VivC · 11-04-2005, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jnmanderson

Viv – the words of your message made me realize something – unlike with your Rivi I never got any of those moments (even if for a short time) such as 1st cry or holding them. I suppose that is why I was concerned that I would forget – as all I have is pics of a hpt and not even an u/s pic; nothing I can but away and look at from time to time to bring the memories back. I just have the love in my heart and that love is something that will never leave me!

Exactly. Don't worry about forgetting your baby. I think that huge events/people carve out a permanent place in our hearts.

BTW, I've often thought that, contrary to popular belief, early losses are harder in some ways than later ones. I know what Rivi looked like, I held him, I was able to watch him fight. People with earlier losses don't get that. They're left with even more questions. ((Hugs)).

Viv

Mustard Seed · 11-04-2005, 03:42 PM

Viv - Yes, you're right about there being more questions unanswered. I'll always wonder if my little one was a boy or a girl, but I won't get to know, and that is really sad to think about.

Michelle - I understand your feelings of guilt. Even though I'd like to be pg again before I reach my original due date in March, if I am, I know I'll probably feel guilty because my second baby wouldn't have even existed if I hadn't lost my first. But I know that no matter what, my heart will never forget the 9 weeks I had with my baby, and how excited I was to be pg. I don't have many tangible reminders of his or her life, but I will always have my love for that baby, and that will have to be enough. ((hugs))

JuliannePCOS · 11-04-2005, 03:48 PM

I was thinking about this a little and I guess I feel that the loss of a child is similar to the loss of a spouse or loved one. If my husband died young, I know he wouldn't want me to feel guilty about living my life and loving again. I don't think our angel babies would want us to go through life with so much pain and agony either.

I think my Scooter wants me to move on. I think he's my number one fan in TTC and will be a wonderful angel big brother to his sibling(s) some day. I don't think that those who have died are selfish or angry in any way. I have to believe that.

jnmanderson · 11-04-2005, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SheriKCMO

next time, even though you know what can happen, you should let the love flow as naturally as it comes to you.
((hugs))

Sheri ((hugs)) – I feel that this experience has made me understand what you are saying about you might not get what you want. I think that has been an important lesson that I’m learning.

I like that thought a lot and I truly don’t think that I would be able to feel anything but from the moment I get pg – I’m pretty sappy about these things LOL

Viv-in some ways yes; because don’t know if boy/girl or any idea of what they looked like, etc – as you said the unanswered questions – that we will never get answers to.

Yet my heart goes out to you that have held, heard, felt, kissed, etc your baby only to lose them! I know how traumatic that is to go through. I have a GF that carried a baby full term (never knew anything was wrong) and lost the baby within the 1st week – she has told me before that sometimes she wish she didn’t have all the details because they haunt her. So I suppose that all of us have different things that we have to deal with losses at different times.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JuliannePCOS

I don't think that those who have died are selfish or angry in any way. I have to believe that.

Julianne - I think that is a good way to think of us. I also think that makes it easier to find the courage to move on. It is so great to have these message boards to gather strength from each other and help us think of thoughts that we have not before.

Rebecca527 · 11-04-2005, 04:43 PM

Michelle~

In my opinion, a mother isn't capable of forgetting. My own mother had an early miscarriage, and a late term loss. My brother was stillborn at 7 months due to mis-diagnosed bleeding that was placenta previa. Even though she went on to have two other children (my sister and myself), she has never one day forgotten about her first two pregnancies. They were and are her children, they will be for eternity. Sure, she went through the fears and what if's, and was cautious until she passed the weeks that she had her losses at. I believe that's normal. She knew that my brother and her first baby (sadly she miscarried too early to know if it was a boy or girl) wouldn't want her to grieve forever, or not move forward in her life. If she hadn't, I wouldn't be here. Having never have lost a child myself, I can't say that I totally understand how you're feeling, but I am here to offer my (((HUGS))) and support to you, and everyone here.