Jenryalee

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years now. He's 19, I'm 17. He left last year to go to college out of state, and when he asked me if it was okay, I said, "Sure, whatever", figuring we wouldn't be together so long it would matter.

Well, I was wrong. We just celebrated our second year anniversary. I really care about him, even love him, and he's great and supportive and loving. The problem is, he likes his college (GA Tech) and where he is right now, and he has a really promising job, but I like where I am too (NYC).

I was planning on telling my mother that I'm dating him, she's met him, and LOVED him, but found out we were dating through a "friend" and told me flat out to my face she would never let me pursue a relationship with him.

My main problem is. I don't know what to do. My mother isn't physically abusive, but she's very bipolar, swinging between periods of hating me and periods of loving me to death. She occasionally hits me, but the worst things she does are verbal. My brother I adore, but the problem with my mother is that she's very clingy. She never wants me to move out.

Ever.

She's told me she wants me to go to the local crappy college to be near her when my GPA is a 3.75 and I can do much better! She wants to live in the same house I'm in when I'm married! She's also told me I MUST marry an Arabic Muslim guy, and my boyfriend is a White Christian, which she would never allow. She told me she would kick me out if she ever found out I was dating, and came close to doing it, too.

Meanwhile, my boyfriend is sweet, loving, and patient, but I'm not sure if he'll be willing to wait another year or more. My PCOS makes it impossible for me to balance work and school, but he makes enough money to support us both and his job COVERS HIS TUITION, which is amazing. Our original plan was for him to move up here and to try to get our mother to approve, but she blew up in my face about him and told me it would never happen while I was living under her roof.

The only other plan we have is that I abandon my family and move to him. I'm smart enough to get into his college, but it's a huge step, and I don't know what to do. GA Tech offers a lot of financial aid as well as being the #3 college in the country for Biomed/chem, which is what I'm pursuing, so I'm not running into this blind.

Please, help. Offer me advice, anything. I really need help.

Thanks.

AmyElnora

Hey hun, I definatly have some advice for you, but I am going to write it in an email. I have to kinda gather my thoughts about stuff, so I will write it tomorrow when I have time to really think about what I want to say since these are some major issues. Hang in there girl!

**Carla**

Being lebanese i can totally understand where you're coming from here my mum is quite 'clingy' in terms of not wanting me to move out til i'm married or anything like that. i think it's just an arabic thing unfortunately *sigh* my boyfriend is white (but we're both christian) and although my mum hasnt said outright that its a problem i have a feeling she would prefer me to be with a lebanese guy (even though she herself married an australian). Anyways i've slowly learned to compromise with her and gradually she's given way so hopefully your mum will do the same. she'll learn to accept it and you just have to keep gently pushing her in that direction i guess. but of course you have to do what you feel comfortable doing.

AmyElnora

Ok hun, I wrote that email like I said I would. It's pretty long and I disected your letter so that I could address each thing on it's own.

junior_j

I wish i could wave a magic wand and say there u go ur mum loves ur bf and is totally supportive

i think it really comes down to how happy and secure u are with ur bf
will he be willing to support u in the future?
take care
hope u make the right decision follow ur heart
Jess x

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careybou

I can tell you from experience to go to the school you want and not to worry so much about the boyfriend if he really loves you he will understand you need to do whats best for you right now and will be willing to wait-trust me i moved all the way from alabama to texas for my boyfriend and now he wants me gone and im really in a tight spot. About the mom I totally understand, my mother is very much like that, she isn't diagonised but its clearly obvious. My advice is go the school you want and explain to your mom she can call and email you and that you will keep in touch, at some point you have to care for yourself, Im paying a hard price for not doing so. I hope this helps. Good luck!
-carey

charm

At some point in life we have to start asserting ourselves. Mothers tend to be clingy and overprotective, its natural and inherent in their nature. However, to me at the moment it seems like its important for you to see how your relationship with this boy shapes up.
If, as you say, your chances of doing well at GA TECH are good, and if you get to persue your ambition there, then maybe you can sit your mother down and tell her how much more you're going to achieve by being at this college. Not only will you be fulfilling your own ambitions and also- you'll get your chance at independence, which lets face it College really is all about.
Marriage you can tell her is something still further from your mind. Discuss your concerns with her. Let her get a chance of seeing how great this guy is. Would it really guarantee happiness if you get married to someone she picks? You said she liked your BF, and there seems to be nothing else that is bothering her.
See how this works out. Hope I helped.

Blondie87

Well you can't legally move out until you are 18. So I'd say hang in til then, then you can try to get into his college and live with him. If he really loves you, like I'm sure he does, he will wait for you.

It's hard, and I do know a little about what you're talking about. I could never act like I was dating my husband around my mom til we finally got married.. she never really excepted it because of religous issues. A whole 2 years of sitting on opposite couches at her house! I couldn't wait to move out, and I did when I was 18. You just gotta hold out til then. After that, she doesn't have any say in your life. She can't make you go to a certain college, or marry a certain guy, or live in a certain place. You are your own person and can have a whole different life when you turn 18.

So, my advice to you would be if you can, wait til you turn 18, because I don't see how you could move out before then, get into his college, and live happily ever after with your man! Forget about your mom, cut those strings, cuz in a year, she can't control you anymore!

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