Hurt by Comment about My Thinning Hair!

KlassicalKat · 12-09-2003, 12:15 PM

I have been dealing the best I can with this horrible constant hairloss on my scalp...one of the worst symptoms of PCOS, as many of you can understand.

Yesterday I was talking to a librarian (luckily one that I don't see very often as I volunteer at the library on a different day) about hats and the subject moved on to hair. As this librarian has always seemed like a nice person, I opened up a bit to her about my hair loss.

"Oh!" she said, "I've always noticed that you have REALLY REALLY fine and SCRAGGLY hair, but I never dreamed you were losing it!"

Then she went on about how, when she was a little girl she sat in horrified fascination watching her aunts giving themselves hot oil treatments on their scalps in desperation about their hair loss. Of course she had to tell me that they were bald as a billiard ball with just a few tiny tufts of hair, but nothing worked for them. WTF?

That's supposed to make me feel better!?

This comment shocked and depressed me for the rest of the day. Why couldn't she have just stopped at "thin" (which would have been upsetting enough for me to hear) and not said "REALLY REALLY THIN AND SCRAGGLEY?!"

I think that was RUDE!!!!

I have been so careful about trying to make my hair look fuller (or even just normal). I use thickening gels and blow dry it "upside down and all" I cover up the bald spot in back very carefully with my powder (I have white hair) but, this comment made me realize that, apparently, people have noticed that I am this thin haired freak.

This makes me so sad.

Kathryn

VitaBella · 12-09-2003, 12:28 PM

KKat,

That is horrible! What a mean person to say a comment like that.

I am always of the opinion that the things we hate about our bodies are magnified a million times in our own minds - for example, you have seen a picture of me before. Did you ever notice that my two front teeth are different lengths? No one EVER does, but it drives me batty!

I have seen your hair in pictures and it's nothing NEAR scraggly. In fact, everytime you post a picture on here, you get tons of compliments about how beautiful your hair is! (And it is...I know I have told you that before.)

I don't have the hairloss symptom to deal with yet, but I know it must be really difficult. If it's any consolation, I am sure that it's like my teeth - much worse in your own eyes than in anyone elses.

Just forget about that librarian. We've all been around people with no tact before. It doesn't make their comments any easier to hear, but your hair is beautiful and no one can take that away from you.

HUGS to you!

Torie · 12-09-2003, 12:31 PM

Which library, I'll beat her up!

{{{hugz}}}

Sorry you had to endure such stupidity and rudeness!!

lizbethann · 12-09-2003, 07:08 PM

Wow,

What a jerk that woman was!!!!!!!!!!!! All you can wonder is how were people raised??????

Liz

aimye · 12-09-2003, 07:57 PM

Kkat: sorry she brought you down!! hugs to you.

some people just don't know when to shut up. I was just getting ready to go out and again noticed how bald i was looking on the top of my head. and i came to realize PCOS is such an "ugly" syndrome. from the acne, hair loss, facial hair, weight gain, brown spots, skin tags, IF and i have them all. sorry for my rant.

i going to buy myself a present, that should make me feel better!!
Aimye

Reese77 · 12-10-2003, 12:54 AM

(((((((((((((KKat))))))))))))))))))

That woman was very rude and stupid to boot. She has no idea what she's talking about. I have always thought you are a very lovely lady. And I have never thought your hair was thin or scraggly!

KlassicalKat · 12-10-2003, 01:31 AM

Thank you everyone for your supportive comments. It has meant a lot to me. I resolved to just try to enjoy my white hair while it lasts!

And, Torie, you can go beat her up for me! LOL!

The funny thing is, I still like this lady, but she is 75 and I think it's just a generational thing. They probably never ever mentioned hair loss in her day. She just doesn't know what to say.

But, it seemed rude to me. Luckily, as I said before, she works a different day than I do, so I can avoid talking to her.

This is just a classic case of having to be careful and "pick your audience" carefully when you talk about things that of a personal nature that you feel profoundly about. I had given up talking about my hair loss to people because, unless you are going through it, you really can't fully understand the horror of it. People really don't know what to say, so they tend to say these inappropriate remarks, unfortuneately. I wish I hadn't talked about it with her. I should have known better. However, I still think what she said and how she worded it was upsetting, even if it wasn't intentionally meant to hurt me. Tactless, really.

From now on, I turn to my dear cysters in this Hairloss Forum for support, because you all understand!

I feel better today. I bought a pretty Christmas garland to drape across my fireplace today and wrapped some pretty amber color mini lights around it. As I sat there in the dark, admiring the warmth and glow of the lights it hit me what this season is all about. The birth of the Messiah...the King of Kings. It made me feel glad and really put things into perspective!

Love you all!

Kathryn

Occifer952 · 12-10-2003, 01:37 AM

Maybe she has dementia, cause I cannot imagine someone being so rude. That is horrible! I am so sorry, her momma obviously didn't teach her right. She is a meanie face as my niece would say. You go girl, with the head God gave ya. : ) Jamie

dna · 12-10-2003, 10:03 AM

{{ hugs Kathryn }}

My mom has really really thin hair as well, always has... and she is generally the brunt of jokes about how she looks like a 'boy' becuz she keeps it really short (it wont grow past her shoulders)

Its too bad that lady had to open her big mouth and say something, old people dont realize lots of times that what they say can be damaging for years to come

Sorry Kat and GIANT HUGS {{{{{{{ hugs }}}}}}}

VitaBella · 12-10-2003, 12:09 PM

I just wanted to say that I understand what you mean about choosing your audience.

I took a class this quarter where we practiced our interviewing and counseling skills. We had to do "role plays" and sometimes talk about our personal problems. I worked with the same two girls all quarter long and one day felt comfortable to open up about my miscarriage - a tragic enough situation, but really hard for me because it ruined plans for my wedding.

The girls were sympathetic, but the professor announced the next week that this was just a PRACTICE class and that anyone who had some real issues to talk about should contact him for a referral to a professional. Both of the girls in my group looked at me, so I know one of them raised the issue to the professor - apparently they think being sad over a loss means that I'm not over it yet. Or something.

Anyway, I was very embarrassed and I have still not found a graceful way to deal with this situation. At a "meet and greet," people asked me when we got married and why we got married so young - I never know what to say, so I usually go with the truth, and then people are usually embarrassed.

I should probably just stop answering questions. But your statement about choosing your audience really hit home to me, Kat.

Mathisk · 12-10-2003, 12:18 PM

Maybe she is jealous of you and was trying to bring you down to cover her own insecurity. I can't think of why else someone would be so rude. Kat i think your hair looks very nice. I always thought women with NICE white hair were very lucky. I will probably have to color mine forever. I agree totally with what you say about choosing your audience. I share very little with casual acquaintanences for those reasons and it helps a lot. It keeps people from making rude comments. There is one lady at work who is so negative I just stopped talking to her. I also think there is something in many people that wants to always bring others down. Another insecurity thing.

*Ellie* · 12-11-2003, 02:46 AM

(((((KKat)))))

I understand about the thinning hair, it is something that I am dealing with, too. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that that woman didn't have any tact, and that she ended up hurting your feelings. You are a beautiful person (and I think you have gorgeous hair)!!!!!

Ellie

Mel On Ice · 12-15-2003, 05:20 PM

oh, you poor thing. With loads of curly, unruly hair, I get the scraggly thing all the time.

I've had to deal with my nephew and some of the kids at the rink saying inappropriate things. I don't blame them for being rude, they just are being observant. What startles me is the people of an age to know better who say things about my weight and chin hairs. Who the #$*&! do you think you are?

I agree with whoever said this condition feels more like "ugly" disease. For me, if it isn't a surprise whisker popping up somewhere, it's the 5 o'clock shadow, a weight comment, sudden spotting while wearing white pants, or someone innocently passing judgement because I don't have kids yet.

PeacefulAngel · 12-15-2003, 11:31 PM

Kat,
I'm sorry that lady was rude. I think you are right about the generational thing. My husband's great aunt is 85 and she decided one day that I could just shave all of my hair of and it would grow back thick.

And she's like that about everything, always giving me advice about losing weight and stuff. Drives me batty!

I'm glad you can avoid her. Just remember, you are a child of God and He made you beautiful! Inside and Out!

Hugs
Julie

Catylou's mom · 12-16-2003, 03:28 AM

I wonder if it is a age thing or not, I have a very young friend who says really stupid things all the time. She's 30 now and she's the one who very loudly announced in line at the supermarket how I had very hairy man hands. Yes many people heard and snickered. Ah, PCOS what I wouldn't do for a "normal" body.