Hurt by Hubby's comments

mandy71480 · 12-27-2005, 11:20 PM

It's been a month since my miscarriage was 'officially over' and I am finding that my DH is making more and more insenstive comments about pregnancy and children. The man who made me passionate about wanting to have kids (before I had talked myself out of them because I was scared of the PCOS and complications or infertility) is now saying he doesn't want them anymore. I made the comment that I got an ulcer in my mouth and I haven't had one in a long time, except I got one when I was pregnant and he said "You'd BETTER not be pregnant!" and I said defensively, "Well if I am there's nothing we can do about it, now is there?" and he replied (jokingly but still...) "Well I can kick you in the stomach or roll you down the stairs"

He has been so hateful that I'm afraid if I AM pregnant (I have been scared to test and mostly unworried because I am back on the pill and also not late yet) I won't be able to tell him.

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 12-28-2005, 12:36 AM

Mandy,
It could be his way of grieving. My DH is such a great guy but, after each of our losses we had at least one HUGE argument, sometimes many arguments. We got past that, and helped each other express our grief in less hurtful ways. I would ask him often how he was feeling about our losses. I got him to talk as much as I could.

naomid · 12-28-2005, 12:40 AM

maybe its his defense mechanism to deal with the hurt. Think Chandler Bing from friends sarcasm. Maybe its the fear of you getting pregnant and then miscarrying again that has him acting the way he is. If he pretends not to want it then maybe it won't hurt so much if it never happens.

Gnzls924 · 12-28-2005, 07:23 AM

although it may be his way of grieving...joking about 'kicking you in the stomach or throwing you down the stairs if you are pregnant' is NO JOKE. Especially after going through a loss. If you can, you should tell him how you feel....let's give him the benefit of the doubt, in that he doesn't realize that he's hurting you with his words.

if my hubby said that to me, we would definitely get into it and he would definitely know that is not something you say to your wife. But that is just me and how I would deal with him saying something like that to me...although I know he would NEVER dare. As he puts it...I am a "mean wife".....don't tick me off...LOL

mandy71480 · 12-28-2005, 03:18 PM

thanks gals. He wants to get a puppy now...Maybe for practice?

I'll talk to him about his comments, i think it might being his way to deal, too. The miscarriage was really hard on him

Phoenix Rising ^^^ · 12-28-2005, 05:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mandy71480

thanks gals. He wants to get a puppy now...Maybe for practice?

...

Probably, the puppy is his way of having someone small to love and who depends on him. The puppy is safe. It's already here, and they're so dang cute

. My DH is not a dog person (he doesn't want to take them out for walks) He wants a kitten so badly, it doesn't help that between our first loss and our second, my furbaby kitty also died

~Traci~ · 12-28-2005, 05:46 PM

I completely agree w/ Diana, there is no excuse for him to say that to you even if it was a defense thing. Believe me, my DH & I had some doozy fights after each of our 4 m/c's and he would never ever in a million years say that to me no matter what.

It could be a defense thing but he really needs to pick & choose his words b/c the baby you're (were, will, etc) carrying is his as well.

{{{{HUGS}}}}
Traci

Gnzls924 · 12-28-2005, 06:22 PM

We had all this love to give, and no baby to give it to...so Ginger came into our lives. What a difference it has made in our home. When DH and I get into it, she starts whimpering....so now we trying not to yell at each other....operative word: TRY. So it might be a good idea. Big commitment, but if you are willing, i think it's worth it.

But you should still talk to him about the words he choses...

VivC · 12-28-2005, 07:52 PM

Mandy, my hubby was a major @sshole after Rivi died...I thought we were headed for divorce. He blamed me for his death, he went out of his way to be mean...it was all his way of grieving. He eventually came to his senses, but it took nearly 6 months. He said all along that he couldn't blame God (I did, and I don't see anything wrong with it), so he could only take it all out on me. Which makes sense logically, but really almost ended our marriage.

Talk to your hubby, and if it continues, please look into counseling. Losing a baby is the most stressful thing that can happen to a marriage, and sometimes it takes a LOT of work to save the relationship.

And I agree, joking about hurting you or another baby is NOT okay. And he needs to know that ASAP.

I'm sorry - I know the last thing you need on top of your grief is marital stress.

((hugs)),

Viv