A Husband's View of PCOS - Page 10

adnjw · 12-15-2007, 10:39 AM

Neechagan - I am glad to hear you are going to counseling for yourself! Its so important that you make sure you are ok. And I am very happy the also hear that you an your wife are reconnecting emotionally. This is a place to vent a scream like you said. I know that it has been frustrating to you that not that many men have responded to you. And I have to say that for myself the reason I even began to read this thread is I wanted to know how my DH and other men were thinking and feeling about PCOS. My own DH doesn't talk about it much and fortunately for me my symptoms are not as severe as many here. My main one is the fertility and weight. but my own self esteem issues are not only from the PCOS but other things that have happened to me over the years. IMO I still think if your wife would ever go therapy would do her a world of good to help with her self esteem and other issues. I know my therapist has helped me work through my self esteem issues, my issues of lose from my family memebers to the sense of lose of not being able to have a family once i was diagnosed. Luckily I have been able to have a family but that only happened after I began to work on me, by working out, going to a therapist, etc.
Wow certainly didn't mean to go on like that. Please just know that I am happy you are finding peace and know there are people out there that support you.
Happy Holidays I hope the New Year continues to bring you wonderful things and that your relationship continues to grow.
Amy

nikbee · 12-19-2007, 09:47 AM

I do think you should come here and rant all you want! I am glad that men are even members of this site. It does help us PCOS women to realize what our dh are going through even if they don't tell us. My dh has been very open with me and i am very grateful for that. I am glad you do come here and voice your opinion... I do have to confess I didn't read the entire thread bc I am here at work and don't have the time... but I did read enough and am so sorry that you feel you are being attacked... or are being attacked. Please don't hesitate to keep posting though. My dh posts here and has had people misread posts etc and I know how he feels when that happens. I usually make sure I go after him or whoever and take up for my dh. He is wonderful and I am sure that you are a good dh also. Is your dw a member here? Maybe it would help her to read what you have written... or she may have already read it and it is helping ( i apologize for not reading the entire post) but felt like I had to say something.

Keep posting and voicing your opinions... there seem to be more and more men joining. I do feel like women should stay out of your part of the site sometimes with some of the stuff that is said. Sometimes you want to hear our opinions and you can post under the correct topic but maybe if we are going to 'attack' men we should stay in our 'rant' section.

Marshall_J · 12-20-2007, 05:04 PM

Neechogan,

I'm new to this site and wanted to share my story with you in hopes that maybe you could find some hope.

I am engaged to the woman of my dreams, who also suffers from PCOS. We are currently set to marry June 21st. Although we aren't married yet, we have been together for the last 3 years. Over the course of our dating history, my fiance was suffering from a lack of period. She went 3 years without having a period before we finally got some answers. She kept hearing that she just wasn't having a period from the weight she had gained (She went from 125 lbs. to 195 lbs. in a year).

After much frustration and repeated visits to various specialists, we discovered she had PCOS which in return explained the weight gain. During the last two years we have had many situations arise that have caused her a great deal of pain, depression and a complete lack of sexual desire as well.

She took metformin for a while, but the medication made her so sick that she finally had to come off from it. I admired her ambition to take the pills in hopes that she could return to her "normal" self. She was then placed on the pill in hopes that this would induce her period. While the pill did induce her period she was having outrageous emotional "episodes" and would start crying for no reason at all, rage for no reason at all and she just reported that she felt completely "crazy". So the Doctor then put her on the lowest form of birth control available because the hormone levels were too high for her.

This new pill did decrease the issue she was having with the emotional outbursts, but the periods that were brought on each month were devastating to her. She was in so much pain that she would miss work each month for at least 4 days. She was severely depressed and very distant with me.

We did find a solution to this issue, but it has taken us a long time and many frustrated moments to get to a place that we feel we're both happy with. She was having a hard time with intimacy because she had all these different things going on with her body. The hair growth and weight gain made her feel unattractive and unwanted. She thought that these things would repulse me and make me love her less. It was through several heart to heart discussions that I discovered these things and I have never been happier that we cared enough to talk it through.

I, of course, do not notice the hair growth (because she's a meticulous groomer) and the weight gain is not her fault. She has always eaten healthy and exercised. So these issues that were so huge to her and causing her to not want to be intimate were issues that I didn't even really notice. They never bothered me at all and all this time she thought that if I would be repulsed.

I try to woo my fiance and the biggest goal for me is to make her feel beautiful, wanted and comfortable with not only me, but herself. When I started making that my goal I could see things changing drastically. Our intimate life is much more satisfying and we're both much more happy with the way things are going.

I must say though that the communication was the biggest thing that helped us. Instead of my nagging her to take her meds and keep up with everything...I sat back and listened to why she didn't want to take the meds and we found a solution that was alright with her doctor as well. I learned a lot from just talking with her and recommend doing the same with your wife.

Hope this helps.

geabrat · 12-20-2007, 10:19 PM

Neechogan, SORRY I am a female but I do speak with my husband age 35 about this very thing a lot..I was your wife except older (also 35), I still am her in many ways, and my husband is you..but we continue to get through it everyday. there is hope, i noticed you began this post over a year ago, wow!!
may i ask what state you live in? I showed my husband the first post you made and he said yeah that sums up how he feels with the exception of wanting the child..you see we have one precious girl born 3 years ago after miscarriage. we have decided we would like more but my PG was horrible and her life and mine were at high risk, my husband said he cant take the chance of losing me or a baby again, so we thank god for the blessing of the one we have, some cant have any.. if you or your wife would like to speak via email about these things you may email my husband and me at geabrat@comcast.net. I am going to show my husband the rest of these posts and ask him to help you out he hates typing so I might have to translate for him (if you dont mind). Hope my husband and I can help you both in some way..together we can conquer anything and so can you and your wife. hang in there, you have made it this far..sorry if your situation has changed I skipped several posts(pg 6,7,etc) just could not read anymore. My husband goes by the name coldbs (not cold as heart but cold as he works in a freezer).

geabrat · 12-20-2007, 10:28 PM

oops sorry back tracked and see that you are in Canada!! My fault! also I see you have made good progress with things!! excellent, maybe my DH and you can help each other through those days that we are intolerable ( there is enough of those days to keep him busy..at least on my end-ha)..sometimes if you dont laugh you cry, i prefer laughter --less wrinkles

Neechogan · 02-29-2008, 03:49 PM

Hi everyone,

I've just finished browsing through this forum and I'm pleased to see that the number of men coming here to vent their frustration and to talk about their pain has increased. I hope that by publicly speaking about something so personal and deeply painful, I have inspired these other men to do the same. Keep it up guys! Sometimes just talking about it helps dull the pain a little bit.

Has any of you guys out there had any restrictions placed on sex? I have. Love making has been restricted to the weekends only and only if we're not going out anywhere. Her reason: she doesn't want to stink! This has been added to the "no touching, just lay there, I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole" rules that have already been in place for the last several years.

I guess its her way of just trying to avoid something that she just doesn't have the desire for. I try to understand and God knows I've been patient but sometimes I just feel like throwing my hands up and surrendering to the fact that the woman my wife used to be before PCOS is dead and is never, ever going to come back.

I'm to the point now where I just don't want to make love with her anymore. What's frustrating is that I know that cutting her off won't make her want to jump my bones. She herself has admitted that she could probably go a year or more without it and it doesn't do anything for my needs. Masturbating just isn't doing it for me because you don't have the connection that you feel when you're with a partner.

I love my wife. I'm married to a wonderful woman but I can't help but feel lonely, unloved and unwanted. Sometimes I think all that I am to her is a regular paycheque.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm starting to think that its maybe time to ask for a divorce and move on with my life.

heartincart · 03-01-2008, 07:12 PM

I'm still new here and haven't read through these 10 pages of posts but just thought i'd ask Neechogan, have tried telling your wife so directly and opely how much you miss here and want her back to being how she used to be? I'm not in your situation, but If my man ever said something like that to me it would break my heart but in a good way. I could never resist him saying something like that and just breaking down to me...

If you've already tried talking to her, than I dont' know what to suggest... you have to make her truly realize how you feel and how much you have loved her (even if this means crying in front of her and saying every single thing on your mind hurtful or not...) and if being THAT open still doesn't work than I guess you are right, she is gone.

I'm sorry to hear about all of your troubles, best wishes.

mlinn · 03-03-2008, 09:54 PM

Neechogan,

I found this post today on WEBMD and thought of you.

"Medical conditions such as high cholesterol and insulin resistance [an early indicator of type 2 diabetes] do have the ability to impact sexual performance, which in turn impacts desire, particularly in men," says Andrew McCollough, MD, director of sexual health and male infertility at NYU Medical Center in New York.

I am a woman...but I understand how bad it feels to be rejected by the one you care for ....whatever the reason might be.

My dbf recently cheated on me and has made me feel horrible about my self worth...telling me how embarrased he is of my weight,how our sex life could be better only if I was smaller (not that we are lacking in that department we had sex generally at least once a day unless he or I were exhausted),that he wants to show me off to his friends and feels like he can't (then turned around and told me that he loves me..never wants to lose me...and that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him in his life and that I am the only person he can trust????wtf????)....then I see men like you on here who are so open to love and try everything they can to make their partner feel better(not that you are perfect) and are underappreciated and taken advantage of.

I hate to be blunt but I think your wife is selfish and I believe a divorce might be your answer...you can't solve her problems for you..obviously you love her and have tried...what else can we do?

I know for me I am not in the mood when I have all my housework to do and dbf doesn't help me at all with any of it. I work twelve hours a day and don't want to come home to take care of another baby. I don't know if that is your dear wifeys problem or not,but since you have exhausted every other option,why not try and help her out around the house some and see what that gets you.....you might be amazed.....

Since the cheating and my boyfriend trying to win me back over,we have been writing each other messages on our mirror in the bathroom with a dry erase marker (comes off easily with windex wipes)...It seems to have worked well for us. It makes me feel special to have notes waiting on me telling me how much he loves me and I think he likes it,too...in particular he likes the ones I write with subtle hints about the bedroom...try these things before you give up completly...if they don't work,well you have done all you can.

Imfatbuturugly · 03-04-2008, 11:53 PM

Nee -

You made me finally come out of hiding.

Alright. Your wife is pushing you away. Yup. That she is indeed. She is not interested in sex, probably doesn't want you touching her, you probably never "say" the right things, or do the right things. You don't anticipate her needs, blahblahblah.

Want to know a secret? She probably is doing this on PURPOSE. Why? Self sabotage. A lot of times women find it (subconsciously) easier to push you away when they're hurting instead of drawing you close where you are needed.

I know you can't understand this, but this curse/diease/syndrome/blessing in disguise puts you into this glass box - you are stuck inside, fat, miserable, hairy, bearded, childless freak, in a glass box, screaming out for help, longing for someone to break that glass and get you out - but most of the people outside are pointing and laughing.

your wife's self esteem is gone - she is done pounding on the glass. Instead of standing up pounding and screaming for someone outside of this box to help her, she's lying on the bottom, waiting for God to take her out. So be that man. It will take a hell'uv'a lot of work on your part. More work than you think is "fair" or "necessary". but I guarantee you, if you can break through and help her - even if your marriage dissolves, and you save her life, it will be worth it.

I suggest watching "What Dreams May Come" (Robin Williams, Cuba Gooding Jr.). Seriously. No, this is not a movie about PCOS - but it is a movie that, if you "get" it, well, it's just amazing. It really has helped me to try to explain to my husband how i feel.

Let me know your thoughts.

Nik

manancraigie · 03-05-2008, 12:13 AM

I cant say I know what you are going though but I use to be like that to my husband.I would tell him well why dont you go find someone that can actually give you a baby and what not.I never lost my sex drive though matter fact I think it got worse cause I found it to take alot of fraustration out.I didnt tell him that because I dont love him its just I didnt want to hold him back if he wanted one.Last year I had a m/c and since than it has giving both of us alot of hope.I havent got pregnant again yet but I just started fertilty treatment.I use to go through little spells like that but now I just put it all in gods hands.I hope everything works out for you and your wife but I do have to say it took alot for you to say something about it in a mans point of view.Thanks for helping me see a mans view on this.God bless and I wish you luck.

Neechogan · 03-06-2008, 06:16 PM

Hi there everyone,

mlinn: I'm so sorry that your BF cheated on you. I don't know if the romance thing will work because I've tried that route but the message in the mirror is a neat idea and a different approach I'll give it a try. I love my wife so much and eventhough my heart is breaking and I feel sometimes like throwing in the towel, I just can't.

Imfatbuturugly: I've never heard of that movie before but if it helps me understand how's she feeling and where I need to focus on my efforts than I am willing to give it a try.

manancraigie: thank your for you thoughts and wishes.

Laura32 · 03-14-2008, 02:05 AM

I almost feel bad to post, since I am, in fact, a lady, but I've been reading this thread, and just wanted to tell you, Neech, I completely understand where you are coming from and why you feel the way you do. What I think some women don't understand (I have a background in gender studies), is that men DO primarily feel emotionally connected through sex, whereas women feel more emotionally connected through non-sexual touch and deeds (like when you fold the laundry). It's just the way it is. No female has the right to criticize you for feeling this way; why don't they just criticize you for having a prostate??? And you seem to have really taken some of the advice to heart, and made an effort to improve your own behavior in those areas, and I applaud you. Maybe you guys should go to a sex therapist? Or maybe she should get additional testing for other conditions, as it seems that having a completely nonexistent sex drive doesn't necessarily go along with PCOS. Shoot, we have a whole thread called "Sex sex sex" where it's all the ladies talk about (and for some seem to be all they ever think about!) Good luck!

roxyvet · 03-18-2008, 06:21 PM

To all of you husbands, fiances, boyfriends, girlfriends, family and significant others:

You are the important people in our lives who keep us sane in difficult times. Please keep being there for us. Having your support and love helps us get through very very difficult times.
We love you and owe you so much!
Love you all.

Neechogan · 03-26-2008, 02:33 PM

Today I've made a decision that I've thought long and hard about. It may destroy my marriage or it may help it. Who knows. What I do know is that I have to do something drastic to make my wife sit up and take notice.

I know that PCOS has killed my wife's sex drive and there's not one damn thing I can do about it. She won't take her meds because of the side effects, so there's probably no chance in hell of her libido ever coming back. So there's really no point in hoping or trying.

This is the hardest decsion I have ever made and I cried for a long time when I thought about what this could potentially do but its something I must do. I've made the decision to stop having sex with my wife. There are 2 things that will get me to change my mind:

1. She stop making excuses for herself and make and effort.
2. She start taking her meds and start taking better care of herself.

I made this decision for a couple of reasons. To begin with, part of me hopes and prays that things will return to the way they were before PCOS. That hope has caused me to have unrealistic expectations and if i stop pursuing and engaging in sex, I won't find myself feeling hurt and disappointed when those expectations aren't met. I'm just so damn tired of crying myself to sleep at night because of the feeling of guilt because I have maybe somehow forced her to do something she didn't want to do.

The second reason is I'm hoping that she will finally see what this is doing to our marriage. She really needs to know just how desperate I'm feeling right now. I can't take this anymore and I'm simply ready to give up.

I know that my wife has said in the past that she could probably go a year without it. I realize that I'm probably in for a very long dry spell but its something that I need to do. With God's help, I know I can do this and do it without cheating on her and ruining any chance of fixing things.

To help me, I have thrown out everything I have that may possibly have any connection to sex. I've thrown out the magazines, the videos, the self-help books. I've also thrown out the flavoured condoms we "agreed" I'd wear if she was to give me oral sex (don't get me started on that one) but failed to live up to her end of the bargain.

I've given up and this is the last straw. If it doesn't work, my next step will be to get a lawyer and file for divorce.

I'm going to be starting a new thread and I'm going to call it "Neechogan's Celibacy Journey." There I will keep a daily journal to keep everyone informed on my progress and if and when my darling wife finally clues into how much she has hurt me.

AriansHubby · 04-01-2008, 05:40 PM

Neech,
I am right there with you. Ever since my wife found out she had PCOS, not only have we been trying harder, it has put a strain on our marriage. I hate PCOS, I hate EVERYTIME she looks at a pregnancy test and starts to cry. And now everytime she looks at a pregnancy test, I cry. It really sucks so bad.