A Husband's View of PCOS - Page 3

ellie_anna · 10-25-2006, 12:21 AM

Neechogan,

Hang in there! Whatever you do, do not seek out a surrogate lover! Things may seem rough right now. But that will only make things worse. Speaking for myself and not all women, but sometimes i have let things like that slip. But my intent is not for my husband to actually do that, but to have him put me in his arms and give me reassurance that I am his only one.

Has your wife gone to the doctor to seek more treatment yet. Sounds like she should see someone for depression to?

I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers....I do hope that some of the fellas respond and give you some additional perspective!

STauscher415 · 11-01-2006, 12:22 AM

A little late to the party but just a thought...my body cannot take the Met...it just made everything worse and the mood swings and sex drive were just too bad to mention. Then I talked to my doc about Actos...A lower dosage, no side effects and it increases your chance of getting pregnant...just a thought. It worked for me and also increased my sex drive...you might want to discuss it with your wife.

Summer

Neechogan · 11-10-2006, 05:55 PM

I can't help to express my concern about the absence of male visitors to the "Husbands and Boyfriends" area of this discussion board. I first came here to look for support from other men who are trying to cope with the changes that are occuring within their wives or girlfriends. I am sure that there are a lot of men out there who are feeling as frustrated and angry as I am. Stop being macho. You're not in this alone.

Maybe they're seeing the Ashley Madison banner on the page and decided that it was easier to give up and cheat on their partners than it is to stand-up and provide them with the love and support they need and deserve.

So where are all of you? How are you coping? From one myster to all the other mysters out there (you know who you are), There's nothing weak or small about seeking comfort and support. I challenge all of you to stand up and speak out.

ellie_anna · 11-12-2006, 01:33 AM

Neechogan,

Thanks for you comment! I have been trying to get my DH to check out this site for months! I will show it to him! Maybe he will finally act on my suggestion!

ickle pands bf · 11-12-2006, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Neechogan

I can't help to express my concern about the absence of male visitors to the "Husbands and Boyfriends" area of this discussion board. I first came here to look for support from other men who are trying to cope with the changes that are occuring within their wives or girlfriends. I am sure that there are a lot of men out there who are feeling as frustrated and angry as I am. Stop being macho. You're not in this alone.

Maybe they're seeing the Ashley Madison banner on the page and decided that it was easier to give up and cheat on their partners than it is to stand-up and provide them with the love and support they need and deserve.

So where are all of you? How are you coping? From one myster to all the other mysters out there (you know who you are), There's nothing weak or small about seeking comfort and support. I challenge all of you to stand up and speak out.

Hey there Neechogen

My partner has PCOS and i am learning more and more about it when i can. I tend to find myself looking for the symptons sometimes rather than just looking after her.

We had a we discussion on it a while ago, lets face it she had a head start on me with finding out about it, so i know enough about it for now, though i am still reading her books on it and doing m best to cope with the down times she has and comfort her the best i can.

Our sex life, hasnt suffered at the moment, though we both have a very high sex drive and tend to know when we are both, well ya know.

I can only say to you, be there for your good lady and cherish what you have, sometimes its too late when its all passed you by.............

glen t · 11-14-2006, 03:42 AM

Neechogen

I also have gone through the feelings of dispair when I could do nothing to please my wife but I learned to not take what she says personaly and not respond until i have thought about what i intend to say and how it will sound and that makes it alot better. Dont think im saying I have perfected this action because i havnt, i still flip off my mouth and hurt my wife (summer). when i realize what has happened it is too late and the deed is done. I wish i could master this but I have yet to get complete control over my mouth. one thing that i have learned about the ladies with pcos is you never know how they will feel. one day she might be happy and then out of the blue you are the enemy. the best way to discribe it was said by summer "i love you but just dont like you right now" i have put alot of thought into this and found a lot of comfort in the words that she has said. i hope that i have been some sort of help and not just sound like and idiot.

glen t

ickle pands bf · 11-14-2006, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by glen t

Neechogen

I also have gone through the feelings of dispair when I could do nothing to please my wife but I learned to not take what she says personaly and not respond until i have thought about what i intend to say and how it will sound and that makes it alot better. Dont think im saying I have perfected this action because i havnt, i still flip off my mouth and hurt my wife (summer). when i realize what has happened it is too late and the deed is done. I wish i could master this but I have yet to get complete control over my mouth. one thing that i have learned about the ladies with pcos is you never know how they will feel. one day she might be happy and then out of the blue you are the enemy. the best way to discribe it was said by summer "i love you but just dont like you right now" i have put alot of thought into this and found a lot of comfort in the words that she has said. i hope that i have been some sort of help and not just sound like and idiot.

glen t

I know where your coming from here Glen.

I have learnt that taking what they say with a wee pinch of salt does help. I sometimes just realise that they are having a bad day and dont really know whats happening. Pand, often says things, i either reply or let it fly. She realises whats been happening and comes and speaks to me.

Just another step for me to learn how it affects her....

Chas1975 · 11-14-2006, 08:29 PM

I am one of the wives with low sex drive. I am on Paxil and in pain from the PCOS most of the time. So, the paxil has killed my drive and the pain from PCOS makes it difficult to enjoy it. My husband knows that when he sees the pad wrappers in the trash to not even approach me about the subject of sex. He checks with me often to see if I've stopped bleeding. Waiting for the thumbs up.

I must admit that alot of the time I give in to him just to make him happy. I'm just not interested but then after we get going I enjoy it. I've never gotten to the end and been pissed that I just had sex and honestly didn't want to. I often wonder what is wrong with him that he's attracted to me, the overweight bearded lady. But, he says he loves me no matter what and this isn't my fault so I shouldn't punish myself for it. I've often thought of telling him to get sex somewhere else. I don't think I've ever voiced this to him because when I think about it. I would be sooo incredibly pissed if he cheated on me and we'd have to get a divorce.

We were lucky in the aspect that we were able to have a child together. I had one before we met and was on the pill up until we got married. My theory is that the pill helped keep my ovaries in good shape (free of cysts and functioning) so that we didn't have to live through the disappointment of infertility. We made the choice for him to have a vas before we knew about my PCOS. So, I'm sorry that you and your wife have to live the infertility nightmare.

I've actually had the condition since I was a teen, long before I met Joe. The symptoms have always been there but I wasn't diagnosed until recently. I haven't even started drug therapy yet. I'm hoping to get some sensuality back, and I know that would make my husband a very happy man.

You could try asking your wife if she has lost sensation. That is a big problem for me. It's happened gradually and my husband doesn't mind the use for marital aids to get me off. He also figured out where the Gspot is and let me tell you, I look forward to that one. He feels bad that he can't get me off by penetration but it happens to alot of us. We also use the KY warming gel. That helps get me going. I've lost lubrication so it helps to keep things from getting too rough and painful and causes a very nice heat.

My husband constantly tells me he loves me. I believe that he does but I still don't understand how he could want to have sex with me. Maybe your wife needs some reassurance also. She's probably going to think you are as off as I think mine is but it does help me to know that he loves me and is willing to do anything he can to make me happy.

Another thing that has helped me is that my husband asks almost daily if I'm still bleeding. I have to understand that he's not asking because he is nagging me for sex, he's just concerned that it's been going for 7 weeks and he'd like to know when it finally ends. Supportive hubby's are great. A wife that understands that her husband has a porn collection and looks at porn on the net is even better. I know that he needs it more than me so I don't mind if he has to take care of business himself.

HTH

Neechogan · 11-21-2006, 12:52 PM

I'm not sure I can deal with this anymore. Its been 3 weeks since my wife and I shared any real intimacy. I'm so tired of the mixed messages I'm getting. MY wife gave me permission to sleep with other women because of what she admits to be her "no sex drive." Despite having permission I don't think I could ever do it and I've communicated this to her. I love her deeply and I feel so selfish. But I don't want to have sex with other people and she can't see that.

Who am I kidding. Its been almost 3 weeks since we've done anything intimate. Everytime I've tried to initiate I've been pushed away and rejected. Last night I was pushed away once again. As I was driving to work this morning I started thinking about giving up and leaving her. I can't handle living with and loving someone anymore who doesn't love me in return. Maybe that's what she needs - for me to leave her so she can finally appreciate what she has. Let me reprhase that. What she had.

I can't do this anymore. I can no longer handle being cut off for no reason that I know of and be accused of cheating when I'm doing everthing that I can to stay out of situations where I might be tempted to stray.

She's destroying our marriage and right now I hate her for that.

Chas1975 · 11-21-2006, 01:20 PM

Three weeks is not that long. I recently bled for 7 weeks. We didn't have sex during that time. I am affectionate with my husband. Kissing, snuggling, holding hands and spooning in bed. But we didn't have sex during those 7 weeks.

Your wife probably doesn't feel attractive and leaving her is not going to help that. If you love her you need to open up the lines of communication and work on repairing your marriage. If she is unwilling to get help or be part of the repair then you will have to do what you think is necessary for yourself. I know for a fact that I don't respond well to ultimatums and I doubt your wife will either. If you tell her to have sex with you or you are going to leave then I'm guessing she will tell you to not let the door hit you in the a$$ on your way out.

If you've opened the lines of communication in the past and weren't successful, you will have to try again. You need to be patient. This isn't going to resolve overnight. Marriage is work, hard grueling work. If it were easy then the divorce rate would be lower. You both took vows to stand by each other in sickness and health. Right now she's sick and you need to stand by her, let her know you are there and willing to be patient.

Since seeing this new doc and being told that I will feel better soon I've felt much better about myself, which in turn has made me even more affectionate with my husband. I'm not saying that we are at it like rabbits but the thoughts are there and I definately enjoyed myself more when we made love. If I enjoy myself more then he's happy and it's even better for him.

See if she's willing to have treatment or see a marriage counselor. Tell her that you are worried about your future together but don't give her an ultimatum. When pushed, we push back. It sounds like your wife is a strong and independant woman. Love that and embrace it. She needs to know that you want her to feel better.

Good luck.

wombat woman · 11-21-2006, 07:05 PM

I've been avoiding posting in this thread because well quite frankly my opinion will probably cause flames, but as I get more and more frustrated and after your last post Neechogan, I just have to speak up.

I am not male. I know sex drive is a BIG thing for most guys and I am so trying to look at it from your point of view but no matter how I do, I'm sorry but to me you do sound selfish. You are thinking of leaving your wife because you haven't had sex in 3 weeks?? Wow. Most of your posts have been along these lines. You say you hate what it's done to your wife because it's causing her to have self esteem issues, low sex drive etc. etc. which all boils down to you not getting any sex. Your sexual needs are not being met. I know it can cause the breakdown of many a relationshipand is a very important part of a relationship but man you married this woman for a reason, was that reason sex?

You said in your last post

"I can't handle living with and loving someone anymore who doesn't love me in return".

I'm just wondering if she's told you that she doesn't love you? Just because she doesn't feel like sex does not mean she doesn't love you. It might seem like that to a guy, but trust me sex is not the be all and end all. As for your comment about avoiding places where you might be tempted to stray....blech are you really that shallow and disrespectful and hard up to even consider that?

Can't you just go have a tug or something? I don't think you're a saint. Searching for a f&^% buddy is disgusting I am offended for your wife. So she isn't the sex kitten she was when you first met. So what? Please tell me she has other qualities that you find attractive. At least you realize that calling her a frigid b*&^% or whatever it was is so wrong. You have done a lot of damage and you will have to make up for that if you want to stay in this marriage.

Your wife needs some space, she probably does feel like crap and the last thing she wants is you pawing her. I would say she does need counselling, suggest it to her, tell her you will go too, tell her you want to understand. I really don't think she wants you to go get it somewhere else, I think she is angry that sex is all you seem to want and if it's so important to you, and she isn't, go do it. Take the focus off the lack of sex and that will turn the pressure down considerably. Tell her you are going to support her until she feels better and beyond, tell her you are not giving up on her, you love her and you will be there for her. She very well might have depression, have her get that checked. However much you are suffering because of PCOS, take it from me, she is having a WAY less fun time. Even if she pushes you away, keep telling her you're not giving up, she needs to hear it. Until she tells you she doesn't love you, wants a divorce etc. then you cannot give up. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it's not all about you. It could be a long process, and a lot of hard work, I guess you need to ask yourself if you're up to it. For better or for worse.

Neechogan · 11-22-2006, 03:35 PM

I first came to this discussion board looking for support from other husbands and boyfriends of PCOS sufferers who are having difficulty dealing with the changes in their partners. I have looked everywhere and found nothing except a site where a thread started for men is frequented by women.

I am looking for information and support so i can be a better husband. Unfortunately this has become my forum for crying in public. I'm literally blinded by tears whenever I upload a post here. I don't know how to deal with my wife's mood swings, my heart breaks because my dead beat dad of a brother keeps having kids when my wife and I can't and yes, I struggle because my wife not only has no sex drive but avoids all other forms of intimacy. I don't get hugged or kissed anymore. My wife doesn't hold my hand anymore. My wife doesn't like to cuddle anymore.

If people were to read my posts, they would see that I am concerned about more than just sex. I am sorry for being human. I know that I have made mistakes. Who are you to judge me? Walk a mile in my shoes. Try to understand how I feel. How would you feel if your partner just completely stopped being affectionate with you? My wife says that she loves me but from her actions you would think that she was my sister and not my wife.

From what I have learned through my research, this f****ing curse affects women differently. There are commonalities and yes, my wife has them all. Insulin resistence, excess weight, excessive hair growth. Sadly for us, her biggest symptom is the hormone imbalance that has caused her to avoid all forms of intimacy. I'm sorry if I am having trouble dealing with the fact that my wife doesn't touch me anymore and hasn't for 7 years. I have been struggling with this for a long time and I am sorry that my frustration has been vocalized.

I have done everything that I can think of to be supportive of my wife. I am always telling her how beautiful she is and how important she is to me and our daughter. I have bared my soul and begged her to take her meds. I have taken over some of her share of the household chores so that she can go to the gym more often (something she has always wanted to do). Most importantly, each and everyday I tell her how much I love her and how she means everything to me.

I once asked the question "Am I being selfish for wanting a normal, healthy sex life with my wife?" Most people here responded "no." So what is it then? PCOS has robbed my marriage of intimacy. I realize that this might not be the case with everyone, but it is for us. I realize that passion cools off a bit in marriage, in fact, I was expecting it. The passion in our marriage died nearly over night and intimacy died shortly after that. So, let me ask again - am I worng or selfish for wanting to have a healthy physical relationship with my wife?

Where are the men by the way. Why aren't they coming out? I notice that the men who have posted here have partners who post here as well and I'm starting to think that they aren't comfortable with really sharing because of the backlash they think they might get if they talked about the relationship issues PCOS has created.

I also suspect that a lot of men don't really care and aren't willing to post or talk about how they are feeling. After all - do you see any other guys posting here regularly. I care more than you may think. NO BODY HAS RESPONDED TO THE FACT THAT THE ASHLEY MADISON AGENCY (an online dating service that facilitates adultery) HAS A BANNER ON THIS THREAD. I think most of the men who have visited this site have given up and decided to cheat on their partners.

I really sorry for your partner wombat. I must be really touching on a raw nerve. What's the physical part of your relationship like?

I AM A HUMAN BEING WHO NEEDS TO BE LOVED AND DESPITE WHAT YOU BELIEVE WOMBAT, PHYSICAL INTIMACY IS PART OF THAT!!!!!

UNTIL YOU WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUDGE ME!!!!!!!!!!

wombat woman · 11-22-2006, 06:37 PM

I'm sorry that PCOS is affecting your life and I think your need of intamacy with your wife is valid. You did invite comments from cysters and mysters and I took details you provided into consideration before posting. It came across to me that it was all about sex, I understand better now because you explained about her refusing to hold your hand, cuddle, kiss etc. AND that it has been going on for 7 years or so, maybe I missed those details earlier. I'm really sorry you are suffering.

You said you are looking for support and information to help you become a better husband. F*&^ buddy searching will not help you become a better husband, cheating will not help you become a better husband and if you feel that I am judging you for that than I will not apologize. Sex with other people outside a marriage is the ULTIMATE insult and betrayal you can bestow upon your partner, especially when she is in such a bad place and while you may not have gone that far yet, you are playing with fire and coming dangerously close to doing so by your own admission. If this is what you want and if you care at all about your DW you are better off leaving her first in my opinion. What about your daughter, how would she feel if she knew you cheated on her Mum? What if she ends up suffering from PCOS, would you want her partner doing the things you are thinking about doing? Sounds judgemental? so be it. You asked if you are wrong or selfish for wanting a healthy relationship with your wife. My answer is absolutely not. But you are wrong if you want an unhealthy one night stand to satisfy your urges. Again this is my opinion. There is no excuse for being a sleaze.

As for that agency you mentioned I have never noticed it, didn't even know what it was until I caught a glimpse of Dr. Phil two days ago when he was discussing it. I don't know why it's advertised here, maybe ask Kat the owner of the board, she has a separate forum for questions called "ASK KAT" You seem really affected by it being here, yet you are thinking of doing the very thing that it condones. Is it tempting you too much? I think that most of the men who have visited this site would be offended that you think they have given up and gone and cheated on their partners.

When I suggested that you tell her you love her and will support her etc, I hope you didn't take that to mean that I didn't think you were already doing that, more that you should not give up, as a sufferer of the same syndrome your wife has, I know how important it is to hear those things, as you know we often have self esteem issues and doubts about our worthiness as a partner. Even if she doesn't respond positively, she hears it, she internalizes it.

As for the physical part of my relationship, well it could be better at the moment thanks for asking, but doing IVF puts a lot of pressure on that. There are restrictions and many embarrassing procedures and hormonal upheavals, which can kill desire, so I know where your wife is coming from, but you know, you find a way to cope. We still hold hands and kiss and cuddle, but not as much as usual, I admit I miss that, multiply it by about a million and I might be getting close to how you're feeling.

Look I AM sympathetic to your situation, really I am, but I have definite opinions when it comes to cheating, I just don't think it's an option and thats why I arked up and sound *****y about your posts. Do you think your relationship problems might go beyond PCOS? Seriously, I'm not being a smart arse, just asking. I think counselling is the answer for you. If not both of you then at least you. Go get it off your chest and get some professional advice. I really think your wife is depressed. I think you have a really good chance to fix this, don't throw it all away so you can get your rocks off.

One last thing, because you feel that I am judging you, please don't leave this forum, I will not harrass you anymore and there are others who can offer much to your plight. I hope the men do come and share their experiences with you, and I hope you find an answer, I wish you happiness and I do understand how much this is affecting you.

ellie_anna · 11-23-2006, 12:08 AM

wombat women, I think you are way out of line. Think about how you are pharsing things you are coming across cold, harsh and judgemental. This man has put himself on the line sharing very personal information, looking for some support.

Neechgoan. I'm soooo sorry you haven't been able to find all the support you are looking from other men out there. I linger because I would like to see what other input men have to this whole PCOS thing...because i don't know how to be supportive of what my DH has to deal with on his end!

Don't leave your wife or cheat on her! She is probably telling you to see other women out of frustration just like you are contemplating leaving her out of frustration! Have you to thought about conseling?

You, your wife and your daughter are in my prayers.

smr_bsr4e · 11-23-2006, 12:27 AM

Coming from a woman with PCOS, it hurts. My husband is always not sure of what to say b/c he thinks that I will cry. What can one say about PCOS, but that it sucks! However we know that God has a plan for us, and you and your wife too. Believe me it WILL get BETTER!!!!!!!!