A Husband's View of PCOS - Page 5

Chas1975 · 11-28-2006, 09:09 PM

My husband joined and replied to you upon my request. We both have always been honest with each other. It's what our relationship is based on. So, he definately has no fear of what he posts on a forum. We are stronger than that.

Maybe you could show your wife what you have written here and get her insight? I'm sure she would like to know how badly you are hurting. I'm sure it would open her eyes a bit to see how badly you want to resolve this problem in your marriage.

AnnieC · 11-28-2006, 09:57 PM

I think you should keep trying and I think things will look up for you.

CaraMia886 · 11-28-2006, 11:56 PM

Hey-

I haven't been on this in a while. I'm just going to give you my end of the story. Personally I was diagnosed with PCOS with Insulin Resistence, two separate diseases which affected me in many different ways. Please tell her to stick with the metformin. I did not keep food down for about eight weeks on that. I was sluggish. I joined weight watchers. I had no self-esteem. At 19 years old, I had gained about 35 pounds in 6 months that I had to take off.

However, my boyfriend stuck by my side. Through the months of my being extremely irritable, through my physical torment, through being over-medicated on the met and going to the hospital a few times. He was there. Not always standing right next to me, but he saw what I was going through.

I commend you for being so present for your wife in this trying time. The fact that you have chosen to seek a board out instead of cheating and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy, I applaud you. You sound like you love her very much. Please, tell her to stick with it. It's been a little over 1 year since I was diagnosed, and the transmation has been remarkable and life-affirming. I thank God every day that I'm here and I'm ok. If she has symptoms anything like mine, she feels completely unattractive and life you don't want her. It took me a long time to realize how wrong I truly was. Try wooing her all over again.

Leave her cute notes, buy her flowers. Tell her she looks beautiful. I'm sure you've tried some of these things, but schedule a babysitter and take her out to dinner. Make her feel like she is truly the only woman in the room.

As for sounding like you're crying-- you don't. You are expressing concerns. And the fact that after all the emotional turmoil you've been through as a couple-- you still want to be with her and not just run and hide-- that's inspiring.

Also, try counseling. I went through a lot of counseling by myself. It might be beneficial to you, too. It sounds like you've been through an incredible range of emotions. I realize I'm not a guy-- which you seem to be looking for, but I'm telling you-- you're doing great. She will come around. This too will pass.

Carrie

Neechogan · 12-04-2006, 06:12 PM

Its kind of ironic - the title of the painting I used for my avatar is "Peaceful Warrior." The truth is, I haven't been at peace for quite sometime now.

After reading some of the recent posts, I found some words of wisdom that have caused me to refelect internally and ask myself about how supportive and understanding I've been. Maybe some of the things I have done have contributed to my wife's "no" drive. Someone mentioned something about working at making my wife feel as though she's the only woman in the room. I think I've been guilty of not doing that. Its bad enough that she is dealing with the hormone issues and the rest of her symptoms. I know that she's caught me glancing at the tiny blonde with the big breasts when we're out on the town. I don't mean to do it but I've made a decision to make an effort to avoid that kind of behaviour. After all, she is my wife and I do cherish every moment I have with her. I'm going to make sure she feels that way by how I behave.

CaraMia886 you are indeed wise beyond your years. Your suggestion to try wooing my wife again will be a suggestion that I will definately be puting to use. There are little things that I don't do anymore that I used to do when we were dating and I think if I do some of the little things, my wife may start to see herself as desirable again.

While I know the hormone problems associated with PCOS have greatly reduced her drive and her desire for any kind of intimacy, her lowered self-esteem has practically killed it. As a husband I feel its my job to build her back up and to help her feel beautiful again.

That's my commitment to her and to us. While I don't know if this will work, I have to try.

So for now, I'm feeling some peace of mind. Once I start to relax more, maybe my beautiful, wonderful darling wife will as well.

I'll keep you all posted.

Neechogan · 12-11-2006, 05:59 PM

I took some advice and I've started to "court" my wife again. It hasn't been that long but I'm starting to pick up a different vibe from my wife these days. I sense that she is feeling a little more comfortable these days and I've caught a glimpse of that sparkle she had in her eyes. I think that she may be experiencing a little bit of the hapiness that she hasn't felt in a long time.

I think that she may have been feeling a little insecure and she needed to know that I truly do still love her despite the issues caused by her non-existent sex drive. I don't expect anything to change overnight but I am thinking that this is going to be a big help once she starts to get her other symptoms under control (not sure if that's possible but heck, can't help but thinking positively about it).

Maybe there's some hope after all.

wombat woman · 12-11-2006, 07:03 PM

Great news. I hope this is the beginning of the turn-around for the two of you.

Dark_Moons · 12-12-2006, 10:58 PM

I have been in your shoes and somedays I still am in your shoes.

What PCOS has done to Corrie is horrible. She has no self-esteem, she feels ugly because of what PCOS does to her mental state and body image.

While there are some degree of looks involved in getting an attraction to someone, it was always Corrie's kindness, caring and affectionate nature that drew me in. to this day, I still have never met anyone who is so supportive, loving and genuine to all those she meets.

While sex is an important factor in any relationship, it's not the be all and end all by any means. I used to feel very unattractive because there would be periods where she wouldn't even touch me or caress me, not even a cuddle.

It wasn't until we sat down and talked everything out and made a commitment to each other that would help us get out of this rut. I started showing her more love and affection, not just saying it. It has worked wonders. She started to feel like she was truly loved and in turn, she started showing more love and attention on me.

I hope you and your wife can work things out. You are a great guy and you both are lucky to have each other.

Neechogan · 12-13-2006, 06:14 PM

Hi there Dark Moons,

Thank you for your comments. Its taken me a long time to learn but I agree, I need to demonstrate my love for my wife much more than I have been.

runningbird · 12-27-2006, 02:27 AM

My wife is the best wife in the world!

I can not understand how you can say that you actually care about your wife when all you are posting about is your sexual relationship.
Sex isn't everything in a relationship.

It sounds like you and your wife are needing help.

This is a HUGE, MAJOR thing that is going on with your wife and you should be more empathetic or at least understanding.

For months my wife has been diagnosed with PCOS and I've heard about it from her but really never took an active role on figure out what she really was going through.

Tonight I have read and read all I could to figure out what is going on with her.

I feel like an jerk for not figuring out more to help her earlier.

I'm going to make sure she starts taking her medication and figure out all the ways I can help.

My wife has all of the normal stuff mood swings and all and yes sometimes we have our bad days.

Everyday I wake up next to my beautiful wife and remember why I'm alive.

You should really think back to what she really means to you, is she really worth loosing?

I know if I ever lost my wife I would loose everything in my world.

Let me say this one more time SEX ISN"T EVERYTHING IN A RELATIONSHIP!!!

Help your wife help herself, see what her depression is about or find help for her.

Don't run away help her.

Anyways enough of my rant after reading some of these post and realizing the seriousness of PCOS it has changed me.

drake · 12-28-2006, 12:44 PM

Neechogan, If you are man enough to be honest about the good and the bad stuff you're feeling then your wife is a lucky woman in spite of everything. If I may add my own rants to yours,

In my relationship, it is my libido that is reduced as time goes on. Since my beautiful wife had all the traditional symptoms when we started dating I cannot blame her for it.

We have been told over and over that regular (2 or more hours) of cardio is necessary. This sucks, we have 2 kids and 2 full time jobs, where can I find an extra 2 hours? I don't mind keeping house or watching kids but it is just too easy to make excuses. I am hardly a role model and this hurts our chances of maintaining health. I guess I don't talk to my wife enough about this, we just kind of keep going along. I don't know how to help motivate her. The thing that is crummy is to see how other gymrat types of women look at my wife as if she's lazy. How tough is it to stay motivated when all you have to do is 20 min. a day and have a models body to go along with your clear skin. geez!

I'd like to see some of these folks try to 'just try harder' with an extra 100lbs on them and no real hope of ever feeling normal.

sorry, got a little carried away there. I just don't know any other men who are dealing with this and my wife refuses to let her PCOS be a focal point of her life-she is dealing and moving forward. I don't know that I could be that strong.

Fuzzzzybum · 01-14-2007, 03:19 AM

I was going to right a long thing going on about how i understand and all that...i do understand, iv been there but you don't need the long details about it.

Buy men are from mars, women are from venus by John Gray
Then Mars and venus in the bedroom by John Gray

All couples should read them!

It saved us, now we are getting married and we have never been as happy and the sex is fantastic, chocolate body paint and pounce on me like a wild cat fantastic. It would make her happy if you read them, ask her to read them after.

Trust me

Martin

wombat woman · 01-18-2007, 08:09 PM

Waiting for an update from Neechogan (if he so chooses

)

Neechogan · 01-19-2007, 12:34 PM

I've been so busy for the last several weeks, I didn't cross my mind to stop by.

I know some of you may be a little curious as to how things are going. Well, I'd love to say that everything is perfect but they're not. However, we are taking baby steps and I see little glimpses of how my wife used to be. They're little moments and I'm grateful for every single nanosecond of them. Things will improve, I know they will - its just going to take some time and patience.

Last night I did something for my wife that I have never done before and it was wonderful. I lit some candles in our room, turned out the lights, put on a CD that had the music we played at our wedding (it was a challenge tracking down some of those tunes on the internet I tell ya), gave her a sponge bath and then a full body massage with no expectations of recprication. It was the most intimate moment we sharded in a long time and I felt closer to her than I have in years - it was awesome.

We also celebrated a little because this was the second month in a row that she had her period. She said she did it without the help of her meds but I noticed that the level in her bottle of met has been going down. I just smiled and told her how happy I was for her and how much I loved her.

I'm not sure how she felt last night because she fell asleep shortly after her massage was done but my heart tells me that she enjoyed it as much as I did.

So here's to little moments.

flubby · 01-31-2007, 06:29 PM

Hey Neechogan, you are doing good! I hope you feel less pressure now you can see some changes.
Good for you!

flyfisher · 02-06-2007, 01:58 AM

You are wonderful...I know its hard dealing with everything, but I am proud of you for doing everything you are doing. Keep up the good work...Your wife is lucky to have you!