s_robb

I am going to say sorry first

I know this is supposed to be a page were husbands and boyfriends can express their feelings but myself as a women I sometimes wonder how my "medical problems" are not only affecting me but affecting my husband so I sometimes come here to get a kind of insight into how my husband might be feeling and I appreciate it you guys I really do.

But I have to say runningbird that I kind of found your post rude.
Are you saying that you have never felt "unwanted" by your significant other?
I can honestly tell you that sex DOES play a major role in a relationship, it is how we connect on a primal level, nothing in this world can cumpair to the feeling of being connected to your lover/wife/girlfriend in that way and when a person loses that connection or feels that they are loosing that connection it is concerning and our first thought is "is it me?", "what did I do?" ect ect.
Just the fact that a man can openly discuss this problem instead of placing blaim on their partner is awsome.

posting things like that is not a helpfull approach, if anything it's horrible.

************************************************** ***********

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s_robb

ohhhh Neechogan.......................just wanted to know............................
You ever thought of teaching classes.........................the bubble bath thing...................sooooooooooo jelious

__________________

Neechogan

I never responded to runningbird's post until now because I really didn't want to dignify his comments with any response what so ever, but s_robb's post prompted me to say something.

I don't know or understand runningbird's motivation for saying what he (she?) had said. True, it was hurtful for that person to judge me. Despite what you may believe runningbird, all of the experts out there agree that a good sexual relationship and intimacy is the glue that keeps marriages together. If good sex wasn't important, then tell me runningbird why so many marriages end in divorce with infidelity as a cause.

My issue in particular is that PCOS affects women differently and no doubt runningbird's wife does not have the same symptoms my wife does and hence they would not be experiencing the same problems. I can tell you that in my case, runningbird, the intimacy went from from red hot to ice cold almost overnight at a time when our marriage was still new. it shouldn't have happened and wee struggled for years before my wife's Dx. You couldn't possibly understand the humiliation I felt after learning that despite all of my efforts and tears and the fights, that it wasn't anything that I was doing or not doing. PCOS literally robbed my wife of her libido.

Since learning about her Dx, I went to every single OB/GYN in my town to learn about PCOS and to see if there was anything I could do to help. What I got was a lot of BS because not too many Doctors out here know what the hell it is. I searched everywhere to find someone I could talk to - to help me cope and to help me learn how to be supportive but I couldn't find anything until I came to this message board. The loss of intimacy in my marriage is how PCOS has affected me. My wife and I are in our mid-thirties and we should still have a healthy sex life but because of this damn disease, we don't. Do you know what its like to live like brother and sister? Because without intimacy, that is what our marriage has become. My wife wishes she can be more passionate but she can't. The one thing that has changed recenty is that she is now finally getting a sense of how this damn thing is affecting me and how its affecting us. So now, instead of hard feelings after a failed attempt at sex, she consoles me and holds me and tells me that she loves me. Although, I'm still frustrated, I feel comforted knowing that my wife does love me eventhough at the moment she can't bring herself to want to be phsyically intimate.

I know that in the past I haven't been the best husband because out of a lack of understanding and knowledge, I have been less that stellar and have said things that I wish I could take back. My wife and I are learning to cope together now and once every blue moon I get a little glimpse of how it use to be and I call those our "Precious Moments" and they are. I'm learning to cherish the times when my wife can fully participate in sex.

runningbird I think you are wrong for judging me for expressing how I feel and for chastising me for crying and baring my soul in a very public forum. It takes a real man to do that and it takes a real man to ask for help.

Shame on you.

worried1

I just joined and must say, If a relief to read the stories. I was feeling very alone and concerned andwanted to see if anyone else was going through it. Although my girlfriend and I spoke about it I have moments when I just have a hard time believing that she is interested in me, When the sex is non-existent. This has been so different from all of my other relationships. I was questioning my self about what I was doing with her. She is a great girl but the lack of sex is driving me crazy!

I guess after reading everyone elses stroies its time to talk to her about what else we can do. She is taking spironolact 100mg. Is anyone elses mate on that same dosage?

Thanks for writing guys!

flyfisher

worried1, there are so many things your gf can do to help her symptoms and this syndrome. Spiro is only the beginning. There are natural things and medications both out there. There is a diet that can be done that helps with IR. Please read other forums. There is so much information out there. I am on 2000mg of metformin. I too have low desire (I am the wife with PCOS and I am also type 2), joint pain, high cholesterol, severe fatigue, joint stiffness, excess hair, thinning hair, etc etc etc... The list goes on and on. I think it is wonderful that men like you come here to find ways of helping your significant others. There are treatments out there, but it won't work overnight. It takes time for it to work. Just encourage them to seek treatments and doctors that understand how to help them. Best wishes and keep searching for answers and ways to help but just remember there is no magic pill.

__________________
DX 1994-told to lose weight by GYN,Suffered 12 years before seeking treatments: REDX 2006 by a family doc sent to endo July 31, 2006 and glad I went; Byetta, 2000mg Metformin, 28 units of levemir, fish oil, 1000mg calcium. Type 2 diabetic and high cholesterol dx March 05, psoriasis dx 1992.
Married 20 yrs 2 kids: girl 19 yrs old and boy 17 yrs old.

worried1

Thank you for your reply and support. I'am going to speak with her tonight about this sight and how much the low desire is effecting me.

Thanks again, its great to have this sight.

gsmith328

My girlfriend has this problem, although she has yet to be diagnosed...

I feel the same way as the man on this thread does. My main issue is mood swings....the lack of desire also has reared its head recently.

I feel like there is nothing I can do right when she is having a mood swing, and it is very hard.

I need help figuring out how to support her, when most of the time she is yelling at something/someone. I am on the front lines of the battlefield with her most of the time.

ceffion

whats happening with neechogan now?
how are things going with your wife now

__________________
ceffion
dreaming of babies

me helen (32)
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dh mark (32)
married 13-06-1998

dx with pcos 1994
meds

metformin 1500mg

ickle pands bf

welcome to the forum, i can only offer support the best i can.

My gf does sometimes go through the mood swing thing, the best i can do is sometimes to just cuddle her when she looks like she is feeling down about things. Cause we dont live together yet, we spend a lot of time talking on the phone.

Let the mood pass and sit with her and ask her what was bothering her. You sometimes find that it is something very simple or even a little silly at the time. You have to remember though at the time it is whats annoyin her the most. After the modd has passed try making a joke of it and make her feel better about it rather than distancing yourself away.

You will be amazed at how a cuddle for no apparent reason, helps loads.

__________________
Learning more about GF condition.



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Ickle Pand
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'oops, everyone understands oops, it's like a universal language'

Fyn_Hubby

Life and responsibilities have kicked up here recently, so I haven't been able to frequent the boards here for quite a while. Email is the best way to get ahold of me: jason_d_griffith@yahoo.com

I haven't read all of the posts in this thread since there are 6 pages of them, but I've read a few here and there so I've got an idea of what's going on.

Dealing with the symptoms that my wife has really sucks sometimes, particularly the depression. Nothing sucks more than knowing there's a problem, wanting to fix it, and her getting upset at the fact that I'm trying to help and just wanting me to leave her alone.

As far as the sex life is concerned, we've gone almost three months without (more than once), and it really doesn't bother me that much. I was addicted to porn before I met her, but haven't looked at any form of porn in almost 4 years now. So I went from frequent use of that to fairly small amount after getting married. But, it really doesn't matter to me. Sure I want it frequently, but knowing what she's going through and the fact that there's honestly nothing (other than some meds) that she can do to change it, I just accept the fact and give her all the support that I can.

Have I ever cried about it? Of course. Do I feel any less manly because of it? Not in the least. The fact that I love her enough that it has such a strong impact on me is something I'm quite proud of actually.

Some of the things that you've said here Neech seem to be going a bit far to me, but I understand what you're saying and the reasons why. It sucks, it really does, and quite often at that.

The frustration is sometimes enough to make you just want to give up, that's just how it is. When I get to that point, I remind myself how selfish it is (and it really is), and then I calm down, get over it and just keep on pushing forward.

Talking about things helps though, especially in places like this where there are other people who understand. It also helps though to get the woman's side of things so that you can get a better understanding of what it is that she's going through, which is where all of the wonderful Cysters here come in super-handy.

One of the things that gets me the most is wanting to help her but not being able to. But, one of the things that gets my wife the most is knowing that I want to help her but not being able to let me. Your wife could very well be going through a lot of things similar to what you are.

Like you're starting to find out yourself here though, getting back into the motion of dating is a HUGE help with all of it. It's one thing to tell your woman you love her and that she's beautiful, but taking the steps to prove that to her always works wonders. It doesn't matter how much I tell my wife these things, they never compare to the brightness that fills her and the wonderful smile on her face when I take her out and we have a good time.

__________________
WW: 291.1 / 257.4 / 185.0 (Flex Plan)

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pontouf

Well, I just read most of these posts and I'd like to address of few things. First of all: I have been diagnosed with PCOS for about 5 years now (I'm 23).

As some have said, sex is in fact an important part of relationships. Without sex and intimacy, a relationship is nothing more than a friendship, except with legal bindings. What gets to me here are the people saying that porn is such a bad thing, that sex isn't going to make or break a relationship and that there must be something wrong with the man.

I used to have a huuuuuge problem with porn and my significant others using it. I now realize that it doesn't mean anything is wrong with the relationship, I use it sometimes, I don't have a problem with my bf using it, and I'm trying to get him to watch it with me. So far unsuccessful, but I think part of that is because we are poor college students and haven't figured out where the good free illegally shared porn is stashed on the internet.

Ask any sex therapist what they think and they will tell you that sex is a very important part of a healthy relationship. A sex therapist can help a couple connect intimately when they are having problems doing so on their own. Perhaps sex is tiring and frustrating for some women because they don't know how to make it more pleasurable or expect it to be pleasurable in a certain way. In that case, or even if it's suspected, masturbation can help a lot for learning what works (as well as enjoying your own body and getting pleasure apart from a partner), as well as educational books, such as Betty Dodson's (PhD) Orgasms for Two: The Joy of Partnersex, a great book that will help anyone better understand themselves and their partner sexually. Which leads me to my last comment.

Why are people so insistent that it is someone else's fault that a woman won't be intimate or have sex? Psychology Today has an article on Sexual Desire Disorder and most of the supposed causes have nothing to do with the affected person's partner. Communication will always improve a situation, so long as that communication doesn't turn abusive and certainly a lack of affection is something that can be worked on and improved by both parties - not just the man.

In my personal life, I don't have a lot of time for sex - my boyfriend (of 1 year) works until after midnight most of the week and I go to school and work during the day. Even if I don't feel very attractive or turned on, I try to initiate sex at least a couple times a week because I enjoy the intimacy and I know it will be rewarded very nearly all the time with an orgasm because I've taken my pleasure into my own hands. If I were to just lay in bed like someone described his wife doing earlier, I would never get pleasure out of it. I don't want to get into more detail as this is a public forum and open to anyone regardless of age, but do yourself a favor and read that book, or one similar, and talk to a sex therapist if you are having intimacy and sex issues in your relationship. PCOS plays a part, but sex isn't just physical or just mental.

flubby

Well I think it is sometimes possible to have a relationship without sex. A relationship that has been a sexual one can develop into a nonsexual one for lots of different reasons and the couple remain a couple and not just because they have legal reasons!
The need for intimacy is something different though and as much as PCOS can lead to issues with sexuality other methods of intimacy can be found without sex and used until partners feel confident enough to return to sexual intimacy.
Of course there are occassions, with other circumstances, where sexual intercourse has become physically impossible and relationships survive.
I find a lot of the jugemental attitudes towards women by other PCOS women in this thread show an awful lack of understanding.
A woman with PCOS just lying on her back during sex has a whole load of complex issues way deeper than not making an effort, or finding sex tiring and frustrating!

pontouf

I agree with what you said about the need for intimacy. Intimacy and sex can be separated, and yes, when sex can't happen, there are definitely other ways to maintain a level of intimacy. However, this syndrome alone is not physically debilitating. To continually refuse and not enjoy sex is a problem that needs to and can be dealt with.

Women get enough sympathy here, and I can certainly sympathize with aspects of this syndrome, but I can't sympathize with someone who knows the effects of PCOS, knows what they need to do to lessen the impact, is experiencing serious personal and relationship issues because of it or at least in part and yet does nothing or the bare minimum.

This is not about a lack of understanding. This is about hoping other women get smart enough to know that if they ever get to a point where their life is being negatively impacted, they need to see a therapist or psychologist, whether about their sex life, emotional life, marriage/relationship, or something else in addition to seeing a doctor regularly. So swallow your pride and stubbornness. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but support isn't just agreeing with someone else.

flubby

Woah there. Somethings take a while to fix!
Pride, stubborness, not looking after yourself don't come into it. These things take time! If you can offer PCOS women an instant fix go ahead! I am not suggesting you agree but perhaps you could see it differently to how you live it.

pontouf

It certainly seems like for some of the men on this board, their wives, for one reason or another, were not doing what they could and should to take care of themselves. I realize there is no quick fix, but not doing anything and blaming one thing or another will never help.