A Husband's View of PCOS - Page 7

flubby · 03-12-2007, 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pontouf

It certainly seems like for some of the men on this board, their wives, for one reason or another, were not doing what they could and should to take care of themselves. I realize there is no quick fix, but not doing anything and blaming one thing or another will never help.

Well that is what I particularly don't like about this thread. There are women here making judgements about how other women are behaving when they have very little knowledge of what is going on in that particular instance.

Most importantly this is happening in a thread where husbands are hoping to get some understanding of their wives and what they are going through.

So sure these men desperately need to know what their wives need to do to get themselves in the best position to salvage their relationships but it doesn't help women going on about women just lying on their backs.

I think its is great you have found a way to bridge the gap in your relationship and I am sure you worked at it but it isn't always that easy and some replies in this thread have implied that because the wives aren't trying hard enough they don't care for their husbands, rather than explaining that sometimes the first time you do something for yourself is often the very hardest.

Perhaps we could just offer advice without judging the women.

Man&Wife · 03-12-2007, 11:10 PM

What an interesting thread. I'm Tim. My wife has both PCOS and endometriosis. I just wanted to register and say that there have been 6 or 7 month stretches where we were celebate. Between bleeding, pain, and depression, for a while she didn't get out of bed. We almost split, it was horrible. But she's pushed herself... she still isn't on meds, due to allergic reactions she can't handle the hormones. The docs won't do surgery because she's only 25 and they feel that is too young. (we have 2 kids (1 each from previous marriages)). There have been countless times when we would fight, I for feeling neglected and her for me making her feel guilty over something she doesn't want and has no control over. Each person is different, I know that I love my wife. And if that means I become celebate for the rest of my life, I'm ok with that because we love eachother...and it's not like she's out having a good time behind my back

For better or worse, in sickness and in health...that woman is my best friend. I would hope that she'd stand by me if I couldn't get it up and I know she would. I owe her the same respect. I understand... trust me, it really does suck... but the point is to go through it WITH her. She was diagnosed with both these horrible problems right after her 9th miscarriage... we've gone through another one since (we want a baby together)..and this last one just about killed her. We're done trying now. My situation is different from yours, from everyones. The only thing we can do is share our experiences...take what you can from what others say and do what you feel is right.
Tim

Fyn_Hubby · 03-12-2007, 11:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Man&Wife

What an interesting thread. I'm Tim. My wife has both PCOS and endometriosis. I just wanted to register and say that there have been 6 or 7 month stretches where we were celebate. Between bleeding, pain, and depression, for a while she didn't get out of bed. We almost split, it was horrible. But she's pushed herself... she still isn't on meds, due to allergic reactions she can't handle the hormones. The docs won't do surgery because she's only 25 and they feel that is too young. (we have 2 kids (1 each from previous marriages)). There have been countless times when we would fight, I for feeling neglected and her for me making her feel guilty over something she doesn't want and has no control over. Each person is different, I know that I love my wife. And if that means I become celebate for the rest of my life, I'm ok with that because we love eachother...and it's not like she's out having a good time behind my back

For better or worse, in sickness and in health...that woman is my best friend. I would hope that she'd stand by me if I couldn't get it up and I know she would. I owe her the same respect. I understand... trust me, it really does suck... but the point is to go through it WITH her. She was diagnosed with both these horrible problems right after her 9th miscarriage... we've gone through another one since (we want a bagy together)..and this last one just about killed her. We're done now. My situation is different from yours, from everyones. The only thing we can do is share our experiences...take what you can from what others say and do what you feel is right.
Tim

Exactly.

Neechogan · 03-16-2007, 06:51 PM

I didn't realize how long it has been since I've stopped by until I saw how many posts there are on this thread now and the date I last posted. I guess we just get so wrapped up in life sometimes.

Someone asked for an update and well, my wive's libido hasn't changed much and to be honest, although in my heart I was hoping for some sort of miracle, I knew that if there is to be any change, it will take some time. It's hard to deal with sometimes and I still cry myself to sleep sometimes on those really bad nights when the "fire's out." What has changed though is I back until I know that my wife is asleep, partly because I don't want her to feel bad about what isn't happening in our bed. I know that its not her fault and I don't want her thinking that I'm upset with her.

We're hugging a lot more than we have in recent memory and I feel that that's a good thing. Now, sometimes, she'll lightly rub my back when she's standing beside me or play with my hair while we are laying in bed. I think that she has realized that I find comfort in her touch. So while I wish that she would be more active while we have sex, I'm feeling a sense of peace because her touch outside the bedroom is reassuring me that she does still love me.

What bothers me is that, whenever, I read the new posts on this thread, I feel that I must say something in my own defense and that's really sad. I came here because I truly believed and still do, that PCOS has almost destroyed a part of the relationship that she and I used to truly enjoy. There's a saying out there - "couples that play together, stay together." When our sex live was strong its was clear to the world that we were a couple that had a bond that could never be broken. We literally glowed. We can't say that any more though. We have a good relationship out side of our bedroom.

I get the impression that people think that I'm whining because I don't get sex. My wife and I do have sex, well, sort of. Its one sided because my wife, no matter how hard she tries, just can't get into it. In her words, she just, "doesn't get horny anymore." This has resulted in a situation where she just lays there and does nothing - doesn't touch me at all. This is hard to take because there was a time when she couldn't keep her hands off me.

I feel sorry for these people sometimes when they say that they would be content to be celibate. As pontouf said, a marriage without intimacy/sex is nothing more than a friendship. I know of a couple where this is the case and believe me, it is the sadest thing I have ever seen. They say that they love each other but they act very cold towards each other and that's the last thing that I want to happen in my relationship with my wife and I.

I hope with treatment that her spark will come back and if it doesn't then I need to learn a way to cope.

mlinn · 04-03-2007, 08:48 PM

I think your complaint is very valid. Sex is a huge part of any relationship/marriage. Anyone who doesn't think so - probably hasn't been in a serious relationship. I am not stating that it is the ONLY factor in a relationship,but in reality it means alot to a relationship.

I guess I am one of the lucky ones because I don't have any lack of drive at all and neither does my partner. I can't think of one time where we have went for extended periods of time without physical contact.

I do have a problem with my dbf,though. He said to me one day mad in a fight - why did do such and such with so and so - why were you acting like a whore? To this day I don't like giving my boyfriend such and such anymore because I think if that is what he thought of me doing it then - that is obviously what he thinks now. He has apologized over and over. He has told me he just said it in a mad,jealous rage - but I still can't forget it. He has begged me to forgive him and I have - but I just haven't forgotten. It plays like a broken record in my head over and over and over.

Words have alot of power. Maybe when you called your wife a friggid ***** she decided she would show you what a friggid ***** really was. I am not trying to validate either side of the debate-just stating a possibility of what might be running through her brain.

My dbf called me selfish one day and I haven't forgotten it. The problem is he is the one who never thinks about me beforehand. Now that is selfish...and the more and more he thinks about himself the less and less I find myself being attracted to him...my desire has decreased rapidly within the past few weeks.

neechogan - I just wish my dbf would do something sweet and romantic like a candle lit bedroom with "our" songs. I just wish.....and I am so very jealous!
I want nothing but the best for you and your wifey. Good Luck!

wombat woman · 04-03-2007, 09:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mlinn

Sex is a huge part of any relationship/marriage. Anyone who doesn't think so - probably hasn't been in a serious relationship.

That is ridiculous! and so insulting! What about couples who cannot physically have sex due to disfunctions or disabilities yet choose to be together in spite of it? are their relationships not "serious"

What about older couples who have such a close relationship that they know their partners better than they know themselves, who love each other like they love nothing else and who, for them sex just isn't that big a deal anymore? People like that are probably more bonded than the average couple because impulses attributed to sex arn't involved and what it has filtered down to is emotion and pure love and companionship.

There is so much more to a "serious relationship" than sex. You sound very young to me. Maybe at a stage of life where sex (especially for a girl) is that one line you cross which decides for you the relationship is now serious. Maybe I'm wrong and you are just immature with little life experience and a more less open mind. You might change your mind if you ever have a relationship that moves past the newness of it all, say 20 or 30 years later.

Neech, I'm sorry but you said marriage without sex is basically useless because she may as well be your roommate or just your friend or something like that. Isn't there more???

Sex is an huge issue mlinn, huge, but you can still have intamacy and bonding. You will not die without it for a while. You might be unhappy, frustrated, resentful, but you will not die from lack of sex, and a relationship can be "serious" without it, many people choose not to sleep together before marriage. I would call that a pretty serious relationship, wouldn't you?

mlinn · 04-03-2007, 11:44 PM

What I said was neither ridiculous or insulting. Nor do I have a closed mind like you obviously do. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you I am open minded. Old-fashioned, but very open minded.

I was not replying to you - I was replying to Neechogan who I actually side with and feel sorry for. This is putting an incredible strain on a imperfect man who loves and WANTS to be faithful to his wife/ What ****ing part of that do you not understand? He obviously cares or he would not be here seeking advice from men and women who deal with this problem on a daily basis.

Men, maybe you men should try going to a different board or IM'ing together to stay away from ww's attacks. I am very sorry that one person's attacks have made you feel that you can't come here to seek the advice you need to help you battle this illness side by side with your mate.

Couples who are in those relationships would probably be the exception to the rule. Obviously that is not the case with this man and his wife. What about all the older men out there who keep ordering Viagra? Do you think that their relationships are satisfying them or their spouses if they feel like they need to opt that route in the majority of cases? As for the religion standpoint, there may not be sex there..but if there is no chemistry they are not going to stay together. The glue holding them together is the anticipation of what is to come and a common belief.

Sex is not the determining factor for me that decides if a relationship is serious to me. The fact you would even insinuate that offends me greatly...YOU DONT KNOW ME.
Yes, I am 23 but I have been in a serious relationship before and I broke it off due to infidelity. So I am in no means a novice at the game.

You state my statement is ridiculous, but then minus the frills of your other words : Sex is an huge issue. Point blank there is your answer neechogan. Even wombat woman has conceded to say sex is a huge issue.

Why are you so defensive wombat woman? The guys come here looking for advice/compassion/concern -not to be attacked. I didn't give neechogan my opinon to be attacked by you,either.

Neechogan · 04-04-2007, 03:00 PM

Thank you for your kind words, Mlinn. I think you're right. I know that some of my behaviour that have come out of my frustration with what is happening or not happening has contributed to what is going on. I have been trying very hard to not let my frustration to cause me to act out and sometimes I fall down.

No wonder I don't hear from any of the DHs or DBFs out there. Why are people so quick to judge me or attack me for looking for support. The lack of intimacy in my marriage is very real. It is not imagined. It is the intimacy that exists between a husband and wife that is the distinction between a loving marriage and a friendship. Don't get me wrong, my wife is my best friend but I need her to be my lover too. I am one of those people who need touch to know that they are loved and appreciated. When its not there, all sorts of questions and doubts arise. I've questioned my love making skills and my ability as a provider. When a man questions these things about himself, he starts to question his manhood and his self-esteem and dignity and pride take a nose dive. We're supposed to be the warriors and hunters - its built into our DNA. When we doubt ourselves in these areas, it rocks us to our very core.

I've never done anything or said anything hurtful to any of the people who have responded to this thread, so why do they feel the need to haul me out to the woodshed and give me a woopin'? My motivation for coming to this discussion board and starting this thread was to find someone out there who is experiencing the same type of heartache but has found ways to cope. I'm looking for advice to be a better and more supportive husband for my wife as she struggles with this condition. What I don't need is to be chastised by people who for whatever reason have decided that I'm some sort of pervert who only thinks about his penis.

PCOS has caused a strain in my relationship with my beloved partner. I honour my marriage by staying faithful to my wife despite all of the challenges we have. Yes, I've thought about straying on occasion but what man in my situation hasn't. My wedding ring is my badge of honour that I wear with pride because despite her health issues, my wife is an incredible, strong, and beautiful woman. I love her with my whole heart, mind and soul and would lay down my life for her if it meant that she could live.

So wombat woman, runningbird, and anyone else here who has judged me; what have I done to you for you to be mean and critical and hurtful. Why do you think it is necessary to attack me when I only seek answers that will help me to find peace?

-Neechogan-

(Neechogan is a native american word that means "brother" or "protector")

elocinintherain · 04-04-2007, 10:23 PM

I was in a sexless marriage once. I went for a year without sex, without anything but a random hug here or there. My marriage was not like yours though, it was an awful, abusive thing. I wanted sex, he didn't. He wanted someone to cook, clean, and wait on him hand and foot. I wasn't allowed to use the comp or phone without permission, wasn't allowed to have more than 1 bottle of shampoo without permission, wasn't allowed to leave the house without permission. When he left, he took the phone (my cell phone) and my wallet with him, and locked the deadbolt from outside so I couldn't leave. Dinner had to be made from scratch, and ready when he got home, whenever he felt like that might be. The house had to be spotless. I wasn't allowed to keep money. He would make a list of groceries, give me $20, and then I would walk to the store and back. (I had to carry a turkey home in a snowstorm once). I wasn't allowed to undress in front of him. I wasn't allowed to touch him in bed, because I was "too fat to have sex with". If your marriage was like this, I would tell you to get out, and not look back. However, your marriage IS NOT like this, from what I have read.
Salvage what you can. Take time to enjoy your wife, without sex. Hug her, hold her, spoon her, massage her... it doesn't have to lead to penetration. Treat her to a day at the spa. In fact, you could both go together. Good luck!

HoneyChild · 04-11-2007, 09:20 AM

Neechogan I say to heck with the posters who just write nasty things about your thoughts and feelings...you are entiltled to your emotions and feelings and they should not deny them. I know that this is supposed to be a forum for men to talk to men about the women in their lives and the effect PCOS has had on them but I had to respond. I've asked my DH to look at this site, particularly this thread, but he hasn't yet...hopefully he will soon. Allthe best to you and your wife!

Wishez · 04-11-2007, 03:58 PM

I know how you feel, ok im not married coz im not old enough lol, but im 16 and mates my age have boyfriends, and i havent had 1. Boys look at me and you can see in thier faces whjat they are thinking. OK fair enough you can walk down the road or be sitting at the bustop, and all these guys walk passed and look at you in a good way. But not most boys my age woulddo that, they want skinny blondes.

Snoozeforsuz · 05-06-2007, 06:32 AM

To some of you ladies:

Haven't you hijacked this man's thread? He came here looking for answers and support from other men. Why? Because they see and are affected by this differently than we are. This has become a battle of the sexes.

Yes, I am also a woman with PCOS. And, I do admit that what we can tell the men would be invaluable information for them to understand their wives. But, they also need to rant about things to other men. You know, if one of us went to one of the other boards and ranted about something our DH did, we wouldn't get the criticism that Neechogan is getting. And, how would we feel if a man got on that thread and judged us for saying what we said?!?!?! We DO NOT understand what he is going through on a first-hand level any more than he understands what WE are going through.

I came here to see what kinds of things the men were talking about, so I might better understand what my DH is dealing with. I was excited when I saw this board and was thinking about telling my husband about it. But, I'm holding my opinion on that for the moment.

R0xyg4l · 05-21-2007, 04:22 AM

Neechogan, I applaud you for posting... it seems as though you are very sincere and proactive in trying to make your marriage work. Sex is a big part of a relationship from the male perspective, maybe a bit less as important from female perspective. Maybe this is a stereotype but I think some women can be very emotional and in some ways men can be very physical. I'm a nursing student and one thing we are taught is a good little theory called Maslow's Hierarchy which includes sex as a physiological (must have it to sorta live thing) need. Though I don't know if there should be that much emphasis on sex, I do believe that it is important. Since I have been diagnosed with PCOS part of my libido has crashed too. I'm not sure if I could credit that to my lack of self esteem or just my body changing as it's not so easily enjoyable than when I first met my husband. I think sometimes we were intimate and maybe my DH felt like you, he knew I was only participating out of some sorta obligation. I'm not sure at what point our relationship really turned around but we are now much more intimate than before. I think he sorta realized that I've changed from the way I use to be and that I need a bit more from him than before.

Not to bring up old news, but when I first started reading your post everyone kinda flamed you for talking about the idea of finding someone else to be intimate with. When I believe it was a suggestion your wife made. It seems like you are putting a lot into the marriage and I hope you are getting some back. Not that I'm agreeing with that as a good solution, just stating you can't be fully blamed given the impolication As far as the fact that you may not be able to concieve, I know that must be crushing... I remind my DH that it may not be so easy when we actually aim for it and he basically says we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But I would in a way feel crushed if I couldn't give him another child. I know that may sound a bit silly because I of course too want to have another child but I would be very upset if I couldn't. Maybe your wife is feeling a bit disappointed in the fact that you are not currently able to concieve. The point in sex ultimately is procreation... maybe thats partially why she seems a bit disinterested. Maybe all that I'm saying is complete nonsense. But having a baby when you have PCOS is not impossible, but it can be complicated.

I would love if my DH would come here and post, maybe he could give you some insight as well. I hope that things improve in your relationship and if they don't it certainly doesn't seem like it would be due to your lack of trying.

Neechogan · 06-04-2007, 06:55 PM

Its been 2 months since my last post and I guess that I've been really busy. I'm not surprised not to see any posts from DHs or BFs. Maybe they've been scared away by the scathing criticism as someone has suggested.

I'm really starting to feel some performance anxiety these days. Everything I do or try hasn't been working. My wife says it isn't me. I know that its true but I can't help to feel like crap. Does anyone know what it feels like? Not to feel like a man, anymore?

Has anyone felt so much pressure that, despite being mentally ready to go, that physically you can't rise to the occasion? I thought it was strictly physical andsaw my Dr. He gave me a Rx for Viagra. It worked a couple of times but now, it isn't. Last night, despite taking the love drug and really being in the mood, I couldn't have an erection. I think that my inability to arouse my wife has affected me so much that I can no longer function.

Now, all I can do is pray and ask others to pray for me because I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

Snoozeforsuz · 06-05-2007, 03:09 AM

Hey Neechogan. Glad to see you back. I hate that you don't seem to be getting the support you need. I have a couple of suggestions. (1) Post a new message with a new title to see if you can draw in more guys. They are on here--I've seen them. Have you read some of the other threads from the guys? (2) Go back through your post, find the guys, and send them private messages. (You can click on their user name then choose "send private message.") I know one guy (Ickle Pands bf) said that he had said things to his gf before that he didn't know were harmful until he said them. Maybe you could start with that then work into more intimate questions. Anyway, I hope you get the support you are looking for, and I'm sorry you are in this situation. You have my prayers.

Suz