A Husband's View of PCOS - Page 9

cassondraragan · 06-30-2007, 09:46 AM

I feel for you soo much...and for my own husband! A year and a half before I was diagnosed, my PCOS was at its height and my hormones and weight were out of control. I was absolutely terrible to my husband. I see now that our troubles stemmed from my hormonal rages...things that would normally just annoy me, sent me into rages! This anger was constant... and transferred into the bedroom where I really didn't want to be touched etc. because I still was angry all the time. Also, because of my weight gain, I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror...and knew that must disgust him also...another no sex factor. When I was diagnosed and began faithfully taking my medication, suddenly I was not unnecessarily angry anmore. Things were so much better with us.
As for the sex issue, after talking to my mom and my step mother...both of whom have excellent sex live even now, they convinced me that that the secret is to.....and I'm sorry if this offends anyone's feminist sensibilities...give my husband sex when he wants it! Of course, that advice was actually the last thing I'd wanted to hear. But they both, separately, explained that for a man sex is the equivalent to what we consider affection. I would be devastated if my husband stopped hugging me, cuddling with me, and showing me the loving attention that he has always been so good at. When we deny our men sex, we deny them affection...So I tried their little experience...and it Worked! My husband feels so loved, and usually (not always) I end up "enjoying" myself as well. Its just a little giving of yourself to make your DH a happy man...or at least mine. Of course, there are many different situations...but in my case, the moms were right.

Mommy2Drew · 06-30-2007, 05:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Neechogan

My wife has been prescribed metformin but she isn't using it. I don't know why. She says that she doesn't like the gas or diarhea that she gets once in a while. How do I convince her to take her meds? I really want her to be well but I don't want to sound like a pushy jerk at the same time. "

I don't know if this will help but it took me about 3 months of the hellish side effects of metformin before my body adapted to it. My doc kept telling me to stick with it and the symptoms would get better. You know what he was right!!!!!!!! I have been on met for 6 months now and I feel better than I have in 3 years!!!!!!!!!! I just recently had my dosage increase so I am feeling some of those yucky side effects again but I know if I just stick with it they will get better. I say be pushy about the meds tell her what I said about them getting better with time. Maybe she will give them another shot. In the long run she will thank you for it. Good Luck!!!!!!!

biker_jt · 07-12-2007, 02:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flubby

Wombat woman made a very valid point. Where you are now with your erection problems is pretty much where your wife was when her PCOS started.

You have had some very good and intimate advice in this thread. Please remember that everyone using this board has the same pain as you and try not to insult other users.

If other men feel they cannot post hate filled posts on this board as a result of this thread then they are right! No one has the right to use this board to insult anyone.

isn't this the exact thing that you told him he's not supposed to do? and if you don't like what's being said fine, don't read it. some of us find it helpful that other people are going through the same thing and us guys need to vent too. all i ask and i think it's what he was trying to say too is if you don't like what was said, that's ok but this is what we're feeling. i have also vented on xanga.com, it's a release for us so we can support our wives.

ErinAgain · 07-15-2007, 07:40 PM

I've been living with PCOS now for quite some time and I have to say it's not the end of the world. There are treatments and changes that people can make who have this disorder to improve symptoms in order to lead normal lives. Women with PCOS do have healthy sex lives. They can conceive. They are not hormonally deranged all the time. I really think too much is being blamed on PCOS here.

When women shut down sexually there is usually more to the picture than meets the eye. You may think it is PCOS that is causing the problem and in fact your wife may even be telling you that, but I would guess that there is really more to it, and she's just using it as an excuse to avoid dealing with the truth - whatever that may be.

The fact that she doesn't want to hold you hand, touch you, or be affectionate really shows that it's not entirely about sex. Women with PCOS are still able to be affectionate to their children, right? Women touch their children, are affectionate towards them, and hold hands out of love - not sexual arrousal. Is she caring and loving towards your daughter? Or is she completely unable to show affection at all? If that is the case, it's not a PCOS problem. The inability to show ANY affection to anyone is a serious problem, reflective of deeper issues. But, really it sounds like she just doesn't feel affectionate towards YOU. (I'm not saying this to hurt you, but perhaps help you to start looking at other reasons for your unhappiness rather than focusing just on PCOS as the cause).

It sounds like she isn't happy with you for some reason and it is manifesting itself with her inabliity to be affectionate towards you. It's probably not hormones, it's probably you.

Take a hard look at your relationship with your wife (outside of the sexual arena) and ask yourself if you are doing your best to make her happy. Perhaps even consider some counseling.

I hope you are able to resolve your marital issues, but I'd be really surprised if in the end you find the cause to truly be PCOS.

cassondraragan · 07-16-2007, 08:26 AM

I really think ErinAgain has a valid point. Even when my husband and I were having trouble in the sex department, we still were very affectionate to one another in a non sexual way. We still cuddled, kissed, held hands, said I love you etc. There is a point where some of these issues are deeper than the PCOS disorder. However, I wouldn't go so far as to say thay you are exactly "the problem" as much as I would say that there IS a problem. We women have trouble being intimate when we are hurt or angry or bitter. But, you know, that is OUR problem. If we as women don't make the effort to talk to you men about what is hurting us, that's our fault. (not that she hasn't tried to talk to you...we don't really know what goes on in your marriage, you know) She might be hiding behind the PCOS as well, because maybe she doesn't want to face the deeper, perhaps more painful, issues.

Neechogan · 07-16-2007, 12:30 PM

Why the hell is it that people who come here always take thing out of context? Can't you people read?

Someone once suggested that there is a much deeper problem with my marriage and advised me to seek marriage counselling - heck, one person even suggested that I file for divorce. Well, guess what. If you people had actually read what is in this thread you would have seen me talking about going to marriage counselling. We did and guess what - the counselor said that we didn't have a problem. In fact, it was the counsellor that suggested we see a doctor to look into a medical reason for her lack of sex drive. It was the catalyst that lead to her Dx in the first place.

What you people don't understand is that prior to the Dx, we went through several years of resentment, anger, and frustration over our sex life. After some very painful, heart-to-heart discussions, my wife had finally told me that she just doesn't get aroused anymore and that she avoid other kinds of intimacy because she's concerned that I may try to initiate sex. She said she hears me cry at night and that it hurts her to think that she is the cause of my pain. So to avoid making me cry, she doesn't want to create a situation where I may feel rejected.

My wife has probably had PCOS for most of her adult life and the symptoms are becoming worse. I try to support her as much as I can. I tell her everyday that I love her and that she is as beautiful today as she was the moment I met her and guess what....it's true. That is how I feel. I go out for walks with her everyday and I'm always encouraging her and telling her to never give up. Should I be doing more? Is there anything more that I can do?

While I appreciate the comments that some people have made, it is beyond me why many others in one way or another seem to want to kick me in the groin when I'm down.

Like I have always maintained...I come here to rant, to vent... to hopefully find someone out there who mayknow exactly what the hell I'm going through. What some of the systers don't realize is that it is just as hard on us DHs and BFs. I started this thread for them...for us. A safe place for us to come and rant, vent, voice our concerns and maybe share some wisdom about how we can deal with this curse. Instead, its been taken over by misguided, well meaning people who just don't get it or by very mean-spirited , evil people who lavish in the pain and misery of others.

We are the mysters....this is our place.

biker_jt · 07-16-2007, 04:48 PM

ladies i have to agree w/ Neechogan, if this is the kind of "helpful" advice you are going to offer please read the "I think we should stay away and leave them alone" post and follow that advice. thank you.

ErinAgain · 07-16-2007, 07:51 PM

Well it sounds like you have all your bases covered then. I didn't read all the posts here before responding, just your initial post. Please accept my apology for jumping to conclusions. If you feel the therapist you saw was the right one for you and agree with what he/she had to say, then it sounds like you are doing all you can. Good luck to you and I hope your situation improves soon.

cassondraragan · 07-17-2007, 09:50 AM

wow...

Neechogan · 12-11-2007, 04:07 PM

Its been a long time since I've posted here but I just wanted to let people know whats happening with my BDW (beautiful, darling wife) and I.

I came to the realization a few months back that I had allowed myself to become caught up in the whole notion of performance and what was happening and not happening in our bedroom. That got me to realize that our problems were just as much the fault of my behaviour as it was PCOS. So I started to leave my expectations at the door and started to accept the fact that there is not one darn thing that I can do to change what PCOS is doing to her and how it has changed her.

By not fretting over what is or isn't happening, I've come to experience a lot less anxiety and this has cut the tension in our bedroom. I've also made an evffort to once again become the man she fell in love with. I feel better about it and I've come to cherrish our life together and the little moments that we have.

The results...she less cranky....she seems to be happier.....and she has admitted to wanting a little more play time. While the frequency was never an issue, I believe that her increased desire will translate to her being a little more active. If it does, then that's great for both of us. If it doesn't, it really doesn't change how I feel. I'm greatful for having the time together we do and if its less than what we've come to expect as a society as being the ideal, well who cares because each time we make love now we reconnect emotionally and that is something that hasn't happened in a long time. For me that's really all that matters.

hopeful408 · 12-11-2007, 05:02 PM

Everyone posted great comments....
i just wish my Dh would read all these and understand me and especially understand PCOS, it would make my explaining easier! Good luck to you!!

Sarah E. · 12-11-2007, 08:31 PM

I have mentioned this thread to my DH. I hope he does visit. I want him to do it for him and for me. I would like to see more significant others here. Neechogan I am glad you and your DW are emotionally connecting. That is wonderful!
Sarah

LackyBand · 12-11-2007, 10:04 PM

Neechogan, I read the first 6 pages of this thread, and then skipped to the end. I was wanting to get a male perspective of life with a PCOS wife. A lot of what was said, made me sick to my stomach. I am so glad to read now how your perspective has changed. It really does give me hope.

I was dx'ed three months ago. At the time, it was two weeks prior to our wedding. I was actually being tested for something much more life threatening, and at the time, I gave my DH the "Out" option. (Which he obviously didn't take, since I am posting here) When I found out it was 'only' PCOS, I was so relieved.

Life has settled down after the wedding, and I am being forced to get used to being like this for the rest of my life. To be honest, it is a really bitter pill to swallow. I am very proactively seeking treatment. I work out most days, have a naturopath recommended diet plan, take meds and supplements. But it's early days.

Over the past few weeks, there's been somethign coming between DH and I. I had asked him if he was ok. I'd get the typical "Yeah, I'm fine, just tired" thing, which was fine, because getting back into work after a few weeks off is a killer. But it got worse, not better.

Now, he wasn't talking, so all I have is what is going on inside my head...

"Oh my god. I am a freak. I am destined to be a fat, hairy, spotty excuse of a woman. I can even give the man I love the child he is desperate for." Needless to say, not the best self talk in the world. I thought I had repulsed him. I thought I disgusted him. Affection had become a rarity. Sex had become infrequent. In my head, his disdain, and repulsion for me was growing and growing. Then one night, when we were actually having some 'fun', (and for the first time in a while, I was trying to let go of my inhibitions to give him the sex kitten he fell in love with) he laughed at me. In that split second, it was clear for me. He held me in contempt. Here he was, watching a fat, ugly chick getting off and trying to be sexy. I let him finish up. Then... He was worried that I hadn't come?!? HUH? WTF? You really think someone is going to O after you laugh at them? Geez.

I tried talking to him. I tried getting him to imagine how it would feel to have his balls shrivel to the size of raisins, and to suddenly have man boobs. I tried to get him to imagine that, and then to have me laugh at him in all his glory. He still didn't get it. So now, I felt like some sympathy case. I was totally desperate for some results, some weightloss, something. In a PCOS person? Those results? The timeframe I wanted? Yeah right. I was humiliated and embarrassed. I hated myself. Everytime he touched me, I was imagining him thinking about my fat or hair. I had - I HAVE -ZERO self esteem.

A couple of days ago, it came to a head. We had a doozy of a fight. "I just don't know what's going on with you?" he said. I asked him if he'd done any research himself? "Well... No." But he said, he knows what it is - with the weight gain, and the hair and the spots etc. Huh? It's not just about the symptoms! It's my femininity. It's my womanhood. And it's GONE! And you seriously think I am going to feel sexy? You seriously think, I am going to put myself out there with my self esteem already in tatters, just to be laughed at again? Now I can't imagine, Neechogan, if he'd called me a frigid b!tch, or an ice queen. But I can tell you, I REALLY wouldn't be queuing up for more of that.

When we'd settled down, we talked about it the next day. For the first time since my diagnosis, he told me how HE felt. It was nowhere near as bad as I had been imagining. He was scared for me, and didn't know how to help me. I found out that with my own lack of self confidence, I had been pushing him away and rejecting him - all because I didn't want to experience the rejection myself. He felt like he couldn't make me happy, that he was worried about his performance, and that I didn' climax as much as I used to. I told him that an orgasm isn't just a physical response. And when we were together like that, I was feeling so worried and unsure of myself, that I couldn't let go enough. It wasn't HIM. My biggest fear.... Is not being good enough for him. To be a wife that he is embarrassed of. The immensity of the feelings that I have for this man, and then to be faced with the possibility of being a total failure to him was killing me.

So, Neechogan, I understand why your wife offered the open relationship. I can imagine feeling that all that was important is for you to get your rocks off. I can imagine how useless I would feel if the man I loved looked more at other women than at me. I can imagine the feeling of being unable to compete. I can imagine the thoughts running through my head "Well, you don't even want ME, you want her, so the only reason you want to have sex, is for your own relief." I can imagine feeling like a step up from a w@nk.

Now, I know this isn't what is going through your mind. These aren't YOUR feelings. I know that sex is a way for you to feel closer to her than you can feel any other way. But she can't know these things until you tell her. Tell her the things that you GENUINELY are attracted to about her. Don't BS her with "You are the sexiest woman alive" when she knows you'd rather be doing the blonde with the big boobs. But tell her you like kissing the curve of her neck just under her ear... what ever. But you have to believe it, otherwise she'll see through it.

Since we talked my DH and I are feeling so much better. Last night (first night since "The Talk") we cuddled all night. And I enjoyed it. I really did. I wasn't confident enough to go for sex right then, but I know I will be. I know he is more understanding of my feelings now. We are going to go to counselling (his suggestion!) to learn ways of dealing with this curse that is PCOS.

Neechogan · 12-12-2007, 12:52 PM

Hi Lacky,

Thanks for stopping by and providing some useful insights.

Once again though, I question why I even post here. It seems to me that people just pick out what they don't agree with, take it out of context and use it to chastise me.

First off, i would like to remind people that if they were to really read my posts, they'll see that I never complained about the frequency of sex or complained about not getting sex at all. If people would have read my posts, the would have observed that my pain stemmed from a lack of intimacy outside of the bedroom as well.

What people should read into my posts is the anger and frustration of a husband who was seeing the slow, painful death of his marriage; a husband who tried everything he could think of to make things better, only to be humiliated when he finds out that after all of those years of humiliation and begging, that there was not one damn thing he could have done in the first place. Add to this the frustration of seeing his wife in denial and refusing to get treatment. Yes, I've said somethings to my wife that I regret but I said those things long before knowing and understanding PCOS.

Yes, I admit to being less than stellar as a husband. Have I glanced at other women? Yes. Tell me what heterosexual male out there who hasn't. Did I want to sleep with those women? Of course not.

My posts over the last year have afforded me an opportunity to vent and in a sense scream at the top of my lungs about how much I hate what has taken place over the last 10 or so years. In the last year, I've sought out counselling, not for us, but for myself. I needed someone to help me to with some ways in which I could find peace with what has happened. Venting here has helped.

I realize that people mean well but they really need to "listen" and not hear what I'm saying before passing judgement.

LackyBand · 12-12-2007, 10:14 PM

Neechogan, had you read a little more carefully, you would have seen that I was telling you, that you gave me hope. No, you aren't perfect, I sure as hell know I am not too. It's been good to be able to see the difficult journey you've taken. It's been good to see that your frustration, and inability to fathom what your wife was experiencing, has changed to acceptance and patience. It was a wake up call to me to see how dire things can get when we assume we know what significant other is thinking.

Don't for a minute think that you are the only person who posts here through a mist of tears.

If you had read a little more carefully, and taken your own advice about not being judgemental, you would have seen that what I was trying to say is that I can relate to what your wife might have been thinking and feeling, and what might have been going on in HER head. If you go back and read again, you will see I say something like "I know that is not how you feel... Sex is a way to be as close as possible to your wife" Perhaps I should have been a little more clear. My apologies. I meant that sex is the one thing that two people can share that is totally intimate. It isn't so crass as to be just about an orgasm; but the touch, a caress, the smell of their skin, the desire. It's about the intimate smiles afterwards, its calling them just to hear their voice. It's feeler closer to that person than you do to anyone else in the world.

I was trying to let you know how soul destroying this illness is. It not only screws up your body, but your self esteem, your confidence, your self worth. I was trying to give an insight as to why she may have responded to you (or not) the way she did/has. For me, as someone who has PCOS, I feel like crap. I feel hideous. I wonder WHY my husband would even want me? Then, one little thing... One stupid moment, and it all compounds, and the walls go up. It's self defence. You just don't want to get hurt. So by pushing away the man you love you feel like it won't hurt so much when they do tell you that they hate that you are a fat, spotty, hairy, barren cow and leave - whether it's for a blonde or not.

I am sorry if you think I was chastising you. I wasn't. Whatever comments of yours from previous posts I had referred to, whilst being tactless (And for that you have my apologies) were none-the-less accurate. I was trying to draw a comparison from your situation to my own, so that you might think "Oh. I wonder if I ever made DW feel like that?" Whilst your posts did say you never strayed, you had also mentioned that you were tempted by the idea and had looked into it. I know that this was probably driven by the need to feel wanted and attractive, but unless you tell a woman that, she will by nature, think SHE isn't good enough - and so the downward spiral continues.

I was trying to get you to imagine what it would be like from her point of view, that's all. After all, you know all too well how you are thinking and feeling. It is so hard to fill in the blanks for someone else. I had hoped that by sharing my broken and messed up thoughts it could help a little - or at the least take something I have said, discuss it with your wife and laugh at how wrong I am. I thought that by sharing our situation and confusion and hurt that we'd just gone through because we couldn't tell the other person how we felt, it might get the point across that the best thing that all of us can do is just bite the bullet and talk about it. And then to listen to what is said - without being defensive.