A Husband's View of PCOS

Neechogan · 09-06-2006, 05:11 PM

What can I say?

I've searched all over the place for a forum or support group for men who have partners living with PCOS. I posted a thread on another discussion board ranting about how much I hate PCOS. Its robbed my wife of her self-esteem and this has contributed to the already low libido that this god forsaken disease has given her. It has robbed us of a once fabulous sex-life and it has robbed us of our ability to have another child. Its killing my wife inside and I hate that.

My wife's non-existent libido has caused bad feelings, frustration and anger. I know its not her fault but I have trouble dealing with the notion that my wife doesn't participate during sex becuase she's never "in the mood." I feel hurt that the only reason she does it becuase she doesn't want to disappoint me or hurt my feelings. I hate the fact we fight because she can't bring herself to be the sex kitten she used to be.

I hate the mood swings. I hate being told to go find someone else to be intimate with. I hate the fact that I can't be a father again.

I hate not knowing how to help her and I really hate the fact that from what I see, there's no hope. I'm heartbroken, frustrated and angry all at the same time and that I hate most of all.

I HATE PCOS AND WHAT ITS DONE TO MY WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT MY WIFE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jennynd · 09-06-2006, 05:52 PM

I hate what PCOS has done to me too! I'm sure my husband feels the same as you do. I hope you find some peace with your wife & this awful syndrome!

Hang in there!

SarahJ · 09-06-2006, 07:14 PM

Welcome to the board! I think we've all "been there" in one way or another.

The good news is that there are many inspirational stories of women who have taken control of their symptoms. Sometimes its just a matter of figuring out what works for each person. There's definitely hope!

I hope that the information here can give you some comfort -- best of luck!

AmericanWoman · 09-07-2006, 05:14 PM

I think your wife is acting pretty cold to you. That would HURT to be told "go find somebody else".

I think she is not acting very kind to you. I don't think PCOS should be blamed ... she needs to sweeten up.

My 2 cents!

Eva37 · 09-07-2006, 05:49 PM

aww - You are both some welcome here . PCOS is so much to do deal with at the beginning. That's why i found this website such a massive help.
eva

ssaunders1187 · 09-08-2006, 06:27 PM

PCOS does suck. And not only does it rob us of our image and have nasty physical side affects.. but it really effects our emotions too! It sounds like your wife needs to check out this website. I have realized that what helps me cope the most is having people that are in my position.

*~SugarPlums~* · 09-08-2006, 06:39 PM

Please know that she is not alone and that she is very welcomed to come check this site out. There is always hope! We tried to concieve for over ten years. We suffered through 4 miscarriages and let me tell you it was rough. We did end up having our children on our ten year anniversary. Don't give. As far as the side effects go I know how your wife feels and I know my dh knows how you feel. He often thought I was having an affair because my libido ws not there. I have even said to him the same your wife has said to you, to find someone else then. I only say it out of frustration. My symptoms got worse after I had my babies. That on top of taking care of all the house, cooking , cleaning, bills and then the most important the children left me extremely exhausted. It wasn't insensitive of her, just maybe a little innappropriate. It's hard to live with this, but she needs to try and find something that will help her out. What type of treatment is she on? Birthcontrol, metformin, herbals? I knomy Dr. said that a small change like in weight (10 - 15 pounds) can make a HUGE difference in women with pcos. I know that we used fertility drug for the most part of our ten years trying. It wasn't til I found out I was diabetic and lost weight that I became pregnant with my twins. They were concieved naturally, NO fertility drugs. God is amazing!

It is VERY imortant that she be on some type of treatment, wether trying to concieve or not.

Good luck!

ellie_anna · 09-08-2006, 10:32 PM

Neechogan,

I'm so sorry that both you and your wife are having a hard time with this. It definatly had put a strain on my relationship with DH.

I agree with what most of the ladies have said. You should definately have your wife check out this site. She can get so much support from other women and its a great resouce.

Additionally, I would say that open communication is very important. You should let her know how you feel. Leaving out the strong words or anything that may make her feel like a bad person. But let her know that you don't like PCOS and what it has do to her, your relationship, and your ability to be a father. I have to remind my DH that I want to know how he feels. Because if we don't know how the other person is feeling it makes it impossible for us to work as a team. When he and I have these conversations we remind each reasons why we fell in love in the first place. Just something to keep in mind.

Good luck to you and your wife.

tiggasguy · 09-09-2006, 03:58 PM

Neechogan,
From one PCOS husband to another, I feel your pain. I do have to ask, as others have, what, if any, treatments is she trying? There are so many options that can improve her symptoms and the quality of life for both her and by extension you.
You specifically mentioned mood swings and sex drive. Is she on BCPs or anti-depressants of any kind. The BCPs are a great place to start, though they are a problem for ttc. Anti-depressants can also be a huge help.Tiggamoo has been taking Zoloft for approximately two years. The change in her mood and ability to enjoy life is impossible to overstate.
This board and the overall site are a great place to start looking for answers. She really needs to find a doctor that's familiar with PCOS and its treatments. There are a lot of good docs out there, but not every one of them is as up to speed as they should be on the disorder. My wife, Tiggamoo, is lucky enough to have a female ob/gyn who actually has PCOS herself which has been a huge blessing for us.
Please encourage your wife to get involved with these boards and the support that they can offer. It can't begin to tell you what they've meant to Tiggamoo and to me over the last few years.
The frustration you feel is incredibly normal. I don't like to admit it to myself or Tiggamoo, but I've been there. It's unbelievably difficult to watch someone you love suffer like this. It's also hard personally and it's easy to feel selfish for feeling bad for yourself, but you're human and it affects you too. I know I've felt like I've been cheated out of a lot of precious moments and good years with my wife because of this. There have been times when I wanted to just scream - at God, at the world and at anyone else I could find.
For what's it's worth, you're not alone in this. There are several other guys who post here occasionally and I know we've all been where you are. If there's anything we can do to help, know that we're here. You're not alone and believe me, there is hope.

ajhyer · 09-10-2006, 12:37 AM

She is lucky to have you for a husband. I agree that she should come on here, if she hasn't already, and find out how to make things better. She would learn different methods of treatment and what helps us when we aren't in the mood.

flyfisher · 09-10-2006, 11:00 PM

Neechogan, I agree with everyone..Your wife is very lucky to have a husband like you who cares about her enough to get on this website and find support and a way to help her. You must really love her. What your wife needs is to see that there are others out there with the same problems she has and that she is not alone...She probably feels really alone right now and probably feels helpless. Find a way to let her know about this site and let her know that we are here for her.

Before finding this site, I felt alone and like I was the only one out there with these problems (as with others on this site). I had a low sex drive, but now with treatment, I'm "in the mood" more than my dh and he loves it...lol...Good luck and we are here for you...

macrod · 09-13-2006, 09:48 PM

Sorry you are going thru this. I have been married 19 years and I have never use PCOS as an excuse to push him away. We were never able to conceive. My dh told me that he married me for me and if we had children fine. If we did not fine. But we ended up adopting a baby girl and she is now the light of our lives. Your wife needs to get off her a.. and get help before she takes you down with her. Life is to short to blame everything on your illness. I work in a cancer hospital and I am so grateful that I only have an PCOS. By the way PCOS is a syndrome and not a disease. The symptoms are manageable but only if you want to get better. I wish you will. You sound like a good man that loves his wife. She is a lucky woman!

Neechogan · 09-14-2006, 07:48 PM

Shortly after I uploaded my first post, I took the time to read it and thought "gosh....you're just being a big baby." But I do feel better knowing that there is a place out there where I can go for some support, even if it is just to rant.

My brother and his partner had a baby boy last Saturday and it was a hard time for her. In fact she had to be sectioned. My brother was scared and he asked for my support. Naturally I went to the hospital to calm his fears and thankfully baby and mom are fine. In fact, my new nephew is cute as a button.

I'm happy for them but part of me is angry. My brother has 2 other kids with another woman who he has very little contact with. I've been more of a father to them than he has and here is having another one. Its not fair. My wife and I have been trying to have another baby for what seems like forever and this syndrome (thank you for correcting me macrod) has prevented us from realizing this.

My wife has been prescribed metformin but she isn't using it. I don't know why. She says that she doesn't like the gas or diarhea that she gets once in a while. How do I convince her to take her meds? I really want her to be well but I don't want to sound like a pushy jerk at the same time.

I sometimes think that I might be putting too much pressure on her. I've backed off a little bit and I've been looking for other ways to be intimate with her. I've decided to approach the lack of respnse a bit differently. Instead of showing my dissapointment by pouting, I've reassured her that it was okay and held her instead. I could hear a bit of a sigh of relief the first time I did it. I don't know how long I could keep that up without feeling frustrated again.

Again, thank you for "listening."

*~SugarPlums~* · 09-14-2006, 08:06 PM

Neech. happy you checked in. The side effects of met can be pretty hard, and it takes a few weeks to get used to them. Most here were told to try slowly. depending on the dose the she was told to take. Let's say she was told 1500mg, I would do 1 wk 500, then week 2 add another 500, and week 3 add the reamianing 500mg. It is also a good idea to take it with a meal. She really should be on something wether ttc or not. It will make her fell much better and help her out with her hormones.
I don't know how you can bring it up to her except for telling her you hate seeing her suffer the way she is and that after doing some research , you have found out that the met will more than likely help her symptoms and would she consider trying it again.

For me it took only 6 weeks for the met to make me ovulate and I concieved. I am not sure but from what I have read on other post, I believe 1500mg of met is the lowes dose that a women on pcos could be on to see result and 2500 mg is the highest.

Some women do have a really bad reaction to the met but you need to give it an honest try , at least 1 month in my opinion before giving up.

I know that most of us have done/will do whatever it takes to have a child. It took me longer to get used to the side effects but it was worth it. Milk for me is bad with met, so I try to avoid it if possible but I love milk. Good luck!

svaldez · 09-14-2006, 09:23 PM

You don't sound like a baby, it is okay to voice how you are feeling. It is so hard when people close to us have babies, isn't it?

I was having HUGE problems with my sex drive and sort of just laying there going through the motions. However, the metformin has really helped with that!! It took a while (several months) but we are starting to need less lubricant (sorry, TMI) and I am able to get in the mood more now. It takes a while for my husband to get me in the mood, and sometimes it just sort of shuts off half way through, but it is a start. I hope she will take the metformin because it really helps and once she starts to feel a little better about herself, the rest will follow. The met also brought on more normal cycles so we are hoping to conceive soon (we did fertility treatments for our first daughter).

The fact that you have come here looking for support and answers shows that you really care about her.

Sharon