After some slight spotting, I decided to get a fourth beta level drawn this morning. It went down. My body does not want me to be a mother, obviously. I feel like the most worthless piece of garbage. Like a plastic grocery bag that is caught by the wind and tumbles around aimlessly. I am disappointing everyone again. I'm sorry to dump on you girls, but you're all I've got who can understand.
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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I'm so sorry......you don't say how much it went down or if its for sure a miscarriage....I pray that its not. Please know that you are in no way a failure. Know my thoughts and prayers are with you.
__________________ Mandy
Proud Mommy to Emily born April 7, 2005 and Joseph born January 17, 2008
Sheri you are NOT a failure! I can say that I know exactly how you are feeling right now b/c I was feeling that way just a few days ago. I know it's not any conselation but even though you do not have your babies right now, you are still a mother and you are not a failure.
{{{{HUGS}}}} Please PM me or email me any time you need to talk.
Traci
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2 fur kitties- 9 angels (Single Loss 05/03; Quad Loss 09/03-D&C; Twin Loss 02/04; Twin Loss 2004. All RPL testing "normal" No cause found ('05 & '09)
New Gonal-F cycle started 9/5/09- Cancelled 9/14/09 due to too many follies all growing the same (all under 10mm still) Started Soy 120mg CD12-16!
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Sheri--You are not a failure. I have read lots of your posts and know how much you want a baby to hold in your arms and not just your heart. I remember feeling like a failure too and like I had done something to cause this to happen to me. Then I remembered that all I wanted to do was bring a new human being into the world. As hard as it is sometimes, to get through this, we have to believe that we are not being aimlessly blown around. You are on a path that has had lots of obstacles...but if I know anything about you girl--you'll find a way over the obstacles to becoming a mother, even if that means you eventually find another path. (i think I need to take my own advice!)
Have you checked out that grief counseling yet?
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Ber
__________________ 27 DH-29
Furbaby-KC (3) yellow lab/brittany mix
TTC#1 since 1/03
DX PCOS 5/03
m/c 8/4/03 (slow rising beta)
ectopic 11/6/04
HSG all clear 1/04
BFP 6/23/04
US 8/26/04 Everything perfect!
Due 2/25/05
90% sure it's a Girl!
I have watched your story unravel over the most recent little while because I believe we are a lot alike - I am 34 too and have suffered a miscarriage too. I am pregnant now, but I am filled with dread that something will go wrong and it is close to ruining the joy of pregnancy for me and my DH.
You are far from a failure, girl. You are brave and strong - so dedicated to achieving motherhood that you are willing to risk the heartbreak of losing another baby - how amazingly powerful and selfless that makes you in my eyes. You might feel like a failure though, and that's really understandable. I remember feeling that I had failed my husband when our baby died - and thinking of all the other failures in my life - from choosing the wrong colour to paint the bathroom to failing a science quiz in high school. Failure breeds in its own company. Don't give it that chance to thrive, Sheri.
Have another look in the mirror in a few days time and see if you can find something good to say to yourself. It might even be this: "I am still breathing in and out each day, despite my heart breaking". That's a success and one worthy of telling yourself.
Don't beat yourself up too much (this from my own worst critic). Grieve, yes, and be sad and mad, but don't blame yourself. Pick on someone else and give yourself a break.
OK, I am probably going to get a verbal smacking for this one. I read the post and the replies, went back to the board, but then i just had to come back and reply. If this one does end in miscarriage, what did you do to cause it? Did you take lots of drugs? Have a couple of wild drinking sprees? Insert a knitting needle? If none of these things then can the failure b/s. You are a victim of something you have NO control over at all. More than that though i see the strength in you to become a surviver, the same strength that will make you a damn good mother when you do carry a baby to term, AND YOU WILL! You have to keep telling yourself that. To anyone reading this thinking i haven't been through this, i have. Miscarriage is the 2nd worst thing that can happen to a woman, 2nd only to rape. Although having experienced both, it is a damn close 2nd.
Keep your chin up, and look life in the eyes.
Sheri, you are not a failure. I can't stress how strong, brave and courageous I think you are. My heart goes out to you. I will be praying for you and your DH. (((((((big hugs)))))))
__________________ April (34) ~ Travis (31) Married 3/17/01
m/c Jan 04 @ 6w3d
Conner Lee born 9/22/05 via c-section
7lb 13oz 19.5 in
12 mo stats: 22lb 3oz 31 in
18 mo stats: 25lb 2oz 35 in
24 mo stats: 28lb 4oz 37 in
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I am so sorry you are going thru this. You are Not a failure. I have been there and know exactly what you are feeling like. Mine was why in the heck did the man upstairs give me boobs, pms, and everything in between if I was not going to be able to have a baby. My religion also taught that I was to marry and start having a family soon after but I was nieve and did not think ahead of what happend if I do as I am asked and I can not do it. One time while sitting back feeling sorry for myself a good friend said he wanted to ask me a personal question. I said shoot and he asked if it was our choice to not have any children. I told him no and the story of all 3 of my miscarriages. He said how does this make you as a person feel? I said as a let down to me and my family, and to god. Then he said something at the time that really hit home. He said if we are doing everything possible to fullfill my lifes goals to have children and we cant we are sussesful at being mothers. Look at all those who are out there that dont care about the children they have or the children they terminate. As long as the desire is there and we are trying our darndest then we are MOTHERS no matter what. There is a time to decide if and when we are ready to stop trying to have a child of our own and that is why there are so many other avenues we have nowadays to fullfil are dreams at becomeing mothers. Sure there are those of us who wonder if we can ever love anothers child as our own but speaking from experience I dont know any love any diffrent for my son. Sure im sometimes stingy and want to still try to have a baby but I have had 3 babies inside me and I AM A MOTHER and will always be. Sorry if this dont make sence. I just thought I would share with you my findings in my life. Keep your head up and if this ends up being something that we dont want to happen we are all there for ya. Best of Luck and I will keep you in my prayers.
__________________ Married to dh Brian 4-17-93
DS-Joshua Adopted : 6-19-03
Foster parents to 20 diffrent kiddos
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"TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL THINE HEART; AND LEAN NOT UNTO THINE OWN UNDERSTANDING. IN ALL THY WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM, AND HE SHALL DIRECT THY PATHS." PROVERBS 3: 5-6
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I know that words you hear right now imprint themselves on your brain but your not ready to listen yet...i know...believe me.
But believe me, and everyone who says the same thing...YOU didnt fail...you WILL be a mother...you ARE a mother.
I'm trying to get my heart out of my throat right now...on the verge of bawling for you...lean on us as we've leaned on you...we'll be here whenever you need us.
__________________ Kim 40 PCOS/IR/IC/PIH/PTL
DS6yrs-preemie-30w)Twins-Met,Prometrium, Puregon Injectibles DS3YRS
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TTC#4 w/Injectibles-IVF conversion/CERCLAGE/6.2mo bedrest/emerg c-sec at 38wks
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You are not a failure and you are not disappointing anyone. I do though understand how you feel. I feel like that sometimes too, but we all have to be strong for each other.
I figure there is a reason why we all have to go through this, we just don't know it yet. (I don't know if that helps, but it helps me to think of it that way sometimes)
You are in my prayers! Please be strong!
Email me anytime. I can be a good shoulder.
__________________ Jenny- 28, DH- Jake, 32 To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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Dx July 2003
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Foster Parents to one DS- Jan. 06 - Feb. 07
DH Dx'd w/ Type 2 Diabetes - June 25, 2009
~Currently focusing on our health~
I've lost 12 lbs!
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Sheri, I am so sorry to see your news. You are not a failure. There are so many women out there that have had m/c, more than anyone ever talks about from what I discovered after mine. It is such a sad thing to talk about.
You WILL be a mommy soon, just your body isn't ready yet--you've been through so much, take it easy on yourself.
I have felt that way so many times before...I am sorry you feel that way now. I hope your pain, suffering and doubt goes away. I, like you, have wanted to be a mommy as long as I can remember. I have faith that you will overcome another tragedy and will have brighter horizons soon.
Love,
Sherry
Never feel that way! We have no more control over our bodies in that respect than we have control over the moon - if we did, we would all be holding babies in our arms. You have done nothing wrong - be kinder to yourself because right now you need gentleness and respect.
__________________ Me 43 & DH 41 (my hunky triathlete!)
Mama to 4 angels (1/04, 4/05, 8/05, 9/08) and 1 miracle!
2 half marathons completed; training for my first full!
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Sheri
You are definitely not a failure! I'm sorry you are feeling so down right now. I don't know what else I can really say other than I will keep you in my prayers.
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I am a failure as a mother 
