I am lost

Aishah · 08-28-2007, 12:50 PM

x-posted in Rant.

Ok, I am in such a rut right now. Everything is catching up with me and I am so, so just sick and tired.

I guess I'll have to go way back to get the whole impact I guess. My mom married my step dad back in 1996-ish, and why she did it, I have no idea. He neat her to a pulp whenever his whims urged him to. She slowly deteriorated, and eventually, on top of everything, she got sick with thyroid cancer. She had to sell her business (her dream business by the way) because he would still beat her (even after she came home from radiation) and she didn't have the strength to take care of this growing, successful business by herself.

We moved to Windsor because he has family here. My mom hoped he would get better since he was close to his family - he just got worse. his brothers were into heavy drugs and would only come see him when they needed money to get high. It just mad him more mad. He wouldn;t even buy us clothes or groceries, not even uniforms for school. So by the time I was 14 I was working and paying for everything by myself.

So about 3 years after moving here, my mom got into a relationship with a great guy. He was well off and was able to helo us get out of the situation. He proposed to my mom and bought us a house and was finally the father figure I needed. Unfortunately, my m om didnt allow herself time to heal from her first marriage and took out all of her frustration on him. Needless to say, he kicked her out (and me by default).

So I am in Gr 12, now working to support both my mom and myself, trying to go to school and save for college. I was interested in Islam at this point and had stopped drinking, didn't believe in gambling, etc. Well, my mom wanted money for bingo and I just couldn't give it to her - she needed to get a job. So the first and only fight my mom and I had, she kicked me out. I don;t blame her - she was depressed.

So I am 17, living on my own, trying to finish school, had a wild room mate to say the least, and I felt so lost, So much responsibility, but I was just sad in general. So I converted to Islam - best decision of my life. Just after that. I found out I was pregnant. I was pressured into an abortion - the worst decision in my life.

I got married the next year which was wonderful, but that is drama in itself. My hubby was supposed to have an arranged marriage, but he chose me instead, and this caused a huge rift. We had a small wedding (Meaning my parents, 4 witnesses to the marraige, the imam - the one who performs the marriage, and that's it. His parents were MIA). It felt like a small sacrifice at the time to have my wedding like that.

So we had to keep our marriage away from the community in fear that someone from his family (either than his parents) would find out and tell people back home. For about a year and a half, I was his 'friend' or fiancee, as dating is forbidden in Islam. So i felt horrible - I was his wife, but no one could know.

So we were in a tight financial situation by this tiem (I was 19 or 20). I was still working full time (since I was 14 literally, with no vacation). I was sad a little in the first place cuz in Islam the man is obliged by law to support his wife, but I had to work. We moved in with my in-laws. That is drama too. I had 5 year old and 13 year old brotehr in laws that I had to take care of - as in feed, councel, go to their sports games, etc, as my MIL was depressed and couldn't do much. I was still working full time, taking care of my DH and his whole family. My DH is in school full time, and taking extra courses so we can get out of this situation.

It was also hard becase I was fairly religious and my in laws and DH werent, so that was a cause of strife as well.

This past january it came to a head - I caught DH cheating on me. I left him.
I was so lost - the one person I could still rely on in this world has deceived me in the worst possible way. In between all this, my mom had to move in with her ex-hubby cuz of her financial situation and I had to take her here and ther e and give her money - Ilove helping my mom, but who is going to help me?)

Then when I was ready to kick him out of my life 2 months later for good, he literally almost died. I hadn't seen him at all really since I found out - it was very clear he was so different, was outwardly and inwardly religious, and our situation along with this near death experience woke him up. We got remarried (this is all within 2 months)

Then the month after we were married, I became pregnant! I felt so great - i always felt like I wasn't 'forgiven' for the abortion. I now felt with the pregnancy that God was giving me another chance. Then I told my grandma about the baby - she told me I shouldnt be happy because the child would grow up as a Muslim with a father like DH. I was devistated.

I lost the baby in May this year. I have been so lost since then. I don;t know what to do with myself. I have always been able to find my way through these situations with my head up and now I can't seem to get out of the dark. DH wanted to take me on my first vacation ever but on top of everything, I found out my company has been bought and outsourced (AKA - after everything, I am losing my job. It was a management position that was for Chrysler and I only have a high school diploma, so it'll be hard to get a similar job).

I am so so broken and Ijust don;t know what to do with myself.

Rant over, for now.

Sorry for the hour long bio...

mzamethystcrow · 08-28-2007, 01:14 PM

Wow! I'm so sorry you've had such a difficult time! I know a lot of people don't like to hear this, but I feel that everything happens for a reason. Something good must come out of this, as you are at probably the lowest point of your life. Things can only get better! At least, I really hope it does.

It must be very difficult to not be able to date! Personally, I would not go back to any man who cheats on me, but that's just me. If he did it once, he could do it again and he obviously didn't respect me in the first place to NOT cheat.

Is there a Muslim support group nearby you can go to? What about friends? Not just of your faith, but of any faith? Maybe they can give you a perspective you hadn't thought of. Sounds like you kinda need to start over and fresh with your goals.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with your baby being raised as a Muslim! I can't believe someone would even say that... Jeez.

Hang in there, hun! It'll get better!

ameliapaige · 08-29-2007, 03:52 PM

Sweetheart, I just wanted to stop by and give you a hug

, you've been thru so much as have I, and many of our cysters out here.

You just wonder when is it going to be 'my' time, when do I get 'my' turn at happiness. I've not found it yet but I know that everyday I get a little closer and that is my comfort. Don't give up, do what is right for you and all will be as it should in the end.

Much Luck!