I am so sad today... feel like I'm letting dh down (long)

Bethany · 04-27-2003, 06:53 PM

I have been having a really hard month, I need to vent, I hope you don't mind.
I have a good friend Sara who I met b/c she is dating Greg, my husband's best friend. We've been a little 4some for the past 6 yrs, since we started dating at about the same time. Sara knows all about my fertility problems. I didn't know it until now but Sara went off the pill in Jan 2003.
Well, I went off the pill in Jan 2001... since then I have had a lot of trouble getting pg. I did manage to get pg twice but both ended in m/c's (both chemical). On Friday Sara told me she is 8 weeks pregnant. She is oblivious to the fact it hurts me (I am hiding it well b/c she is ecstatic). Her due date is in Dec (same as mine if I didn't m/c) I am truly happy for her but I am sad for me.

Part of the reason it is so hard for me to see her pregnant is b/c our guys are best friends, & they have both wanted kids for a long time. Just about everyone else in our tight-knit circle already has kids, so Greg & my dh sort of comiserated with each other that they still didn't. It really saddens me to see Sara being able to give Greg something (within 2 months of stopping the pill!!) that I have tried (& failed) for over 2 years to give my beloved dh. I hate it that dh will see Greg with something Sara could give him that I can't. I am afraid he wants to leave me, or will want to leave me, or that if he had know about this fertility problem he wouldn't have married me. He admitted to me that part of the reason he wanted to get married was to have children. I guess that is normal.

I feel like a failure as a wife, inadequate, & a big disappointment, I feel like he got a raw deal marrying me & like I am lettting him down terribly. I am acting like someone I can't stand, moody & weird, he asked me on Friday if I am trying to push him away & I said yes, I guess I am (b/c I feel like he should be free to start over with someone normal & fertile). I don't want to drag him down, if he wants out of this marriage then I want to let him go b/c I love him more than anything in the world & I want him to be happy. Sometimes I feel like I need to do more to make up for my infertility in order to still deserve him... more housework, cook more meals & better meals, not argue, & when I do fight with him I fear that I pushed him too far & now he'll want to leave.
I know in my head that what I am doing is stupid & might end up being a self-fulfiling prophecy but I can't stop feeling like dh deserves better. He is the strong silent type, unemotional, so he isn't very good at reassuring me that he's still glad he married me, & wants me for me -- with or w/o babies. To top it all off, on Friday he told me that he doesn't want to be old when he has kids, & there might come a day that he wants to stop trying! This was a shock & it scares me. I feel like my life is an episode of Sex & the City, like Charlotte & Tre - she was infertile, they tried fertility treatments for awhile, he decided he didn't want a baby anymore.
OK I am taking a deep breath... I know I sound like a total headcase but I just HAD to get that out. I am normally a really happy person, I hate feeling this way. These are my deepest & most irrational feelings & fears. Even if no one reads this, I feel a little better.

Bibi · 04-27-2003, 08:39 PM

You know what, I can completely understand. When my husband was playing hockey three wives were pregnant. It killed me to see the look on their husbands proud eyes. The whole while I knew my hubby was envious and jealous. I did the same thing and started to push him away. I was going through infertility treatments and I had to do a hpt every other week and it KILLED me to see the look of disappointment on his face. Well 7 years later and still trying I recently asked him about that time. He told me he wasn't disappointed for him but for me because of what I was going through. He said it didn't really matter to him as long as I was healthy and could spend my life with him. That put me so much at ease. Hon, I know how you feel but remember you are worth more than anything else. I know we all want kids but sometimes we have to realize that it is us our hubbies love and not so much the kids we want but the ideas of them, The very idea that me and my hubby can produce a beautiful baby was consuming me instead of appreciating what I had. You sound like a very luck lady...I send you BABY DUST!!!!!!!! You deserve it....

Sapphire Spirit · 04-27-2003, 09:51 PM

I had tears in my eyes reading your post............you are feeling exactly how I felt after my 2nd m/c. I know that feeling of inadequacy. I told my husband that he would be better off with someone else who could give him children because he would be such a great dad.
I felt like I failed him so badly as well as my family and his family. You don't sound like a total headcase at all...........you sound like someone who desperately wants to have your baby......and that is not crazy at all.
I understand your fear and why you feel you should over compensate in other areas because of infertility. This is such a heart breaking road to travel. I just want to say I understand how you are feeling. But don't give up. You are obviously a loving person and your husband married you because of the person YOU are. Try not to be so hard on yourself (I know how hard that is when your body is failing to do what so many others do so easily!!). Be kind to yourself and try and talk with your dh. Most of all........DON'T GIVE UP HOPE!! Even after several years and several losses our lives can still be blessed with little miracles. I hope so much that you will find the strength and courage to hang on to hope. I pray that you get to hold your baby really soon.

Take Care

Amy

isitmytimeyet · 04-27-2003, 11:56 PM

bethany
i totally know how you feel. when i was with my ex-husband he was a total prick! always asking me why i couldn't give him a baby or what was wrong with me. i had 3 m/c with him and he was not supportive at all. i felt so low and less of a woman. i tried to over compensate like you do but that wasn't good enough for him-and the fact that i don't have large breast-but that's a story for another time! this is before we knew about pcos and the treatments available. it took him years to get his sa done. the ironic part of that is his numbers were on the low side! he doesn't know it though!

this brings me to my dh. i know that he wants children badly but he doesn't make me feel like there is something wrong with me. he is so totally supportive of this journey and whatever i am willing to put myself through for this baby. he even did his sa-grumbling yes-but he did it right away. i do feel so bad that this is not easy but he said that since i informed him before we married he felt better prepared. i even asked him the other day if he knew that it would be this hard would he have still married me. he looked at me like i had 2 heads and said yes. i even told him that if he wanted a younger woman that could easily have babies that would be o.k. too. i really really understand the feelings of being a failure and a disappointment -and it hurts really bad. can you share your feelings with your dh? i know that it will be hard to be around your friends and you will need his support sometimes. your feelings are normal but try not to isolate yourself. come here and vent anytime you need to. keep the faith and know that your time will come too.

Louie · 04-28-2003, 12:32 PM

Sorry you are feeling sad, Bethany.

First, I just want to say that I can relate, as I have had similar feelings. After our first m/c, we got a xmas card from DH's ex with a big picture of her with her DH and new baby on it. They only recently married. I said to DH, "if you'd stayed with her, you'd be a dad by now." But he set me straight right away and told me that he married me because he loves me and that we will have a baby one day and if not we'll adopt. He said that you never know what bad things will happen in your life and you don't just marry someone cause you think it will be easier with them... you marry for love.

I am sure that your DH wouldn't trade you for anyone else no matter what! So remember that and try to remain confident in yourself. Infertility has a way of bringing your self esteem down and you have to try to fight that.

Also, try not to take on all the blame yourself... this helps. You got pr a couple of times, right? Well, honestly, how do you know that Dh did not have anything to do with the loss. Chemical pr is often due to something genetic which can be from sperm as well as the eggie. So, just because you have PCOS, it doesn't mean that DH is perfect and you are totally flawed. Often, there is a bit of a mix involved. So try not to look at it as if it's all your fault. I know that it very hard (I tend to do that too!) But try and just keep taking steps forward in your plan and one day soon you will have a healthy pr most likely! In the meantime, maybe spending some time away from the other couples will help aleviate some stress. Best of luck. ((hugs))

shenacat · 04-28-2003, 06:21 PM

I feel sorta the same way. But, not only can I not seem to have children the way other woman can, but I am so dysfunctional in other ways. Right now my DH is out of work and he needs me to help support him while he finds a new job, and re-educates himself adequately for the market. But that is very hard for me, because I can barely work a 30 hour week without collapsing. I have thyroid disease and other conditions as well as PCOS that cause me great difficulty with energy level sustain and I always CRASH big after trying to work a full week. I end up working 4 days a week and then crash horribly the next week only able to work 2 days. I have to pace myself and I never know until that morning if I can make it to work or not. He doesn't understand this at all and I always imagine I see the disappointment in his eyes when I tell him I'm staying home from work that day, because that would have been $100 more towards paying bills and getting his educational materials or paying for his exams. Every day I stay home from work to keep myself healthy I am taking money out of the budget that was designed to get us back on our feet.

I'm doing such a poor job of everything, I can't even be relied on to make enough money when all my life I have worked so hard to be independent and not have to rely on anyone, now when he is relying on me I can't follow through, nothing I do is good enough, because every $100 down the toilet is something that could have been done all the sooner.

That to me is just as much of a failure as our TTC, I lost what would have been our first baby in march, I can't believe that I can't even do THAT right, something which should just HAPPEN.

**sigh**

Bethany · 04-28-2003, 07:08 PM

Thanks everyone for all your kind words of encouragement, support & comiseration when I was in my darkest hour. I don't know what I'd do w/o this board & all you wonderful ladies. I thank God for you!! Even though I have a great dh & a wonderful family & very supportive friends, no one can fully understand like the women who are walking in my shoes.

I called my RE's office today to inquire about some counselling. To my surprise there is a psychologist on staff at the fertility clinic who sees the clinic patients exclusively! And I was thrilled to find out that it is free to see her b/c I am a pt at the clinic, & have been ttc for awhile & have experienced a couple of losses. What great news. I feel that someone else needs to help me get a grip here -- my friends & family have been great but I don't want to over-bunden them, & poor dh does NOT handle emotional overload well. He is unemotional & quiet. I know he loves me but he's just not a mushy gushy, say-all-the-right-things type of man.

Shenacat....
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have seen firsthand what exhaustion can do; my mother has chronic fatigue syndrome & it has had such a negative impact on her life. She had to quit her job (which she really enjoyed) for the reasons you mentioned, she has trouble falling asleep at night even though she's been exhausted all day, & she can't get herself up until noon. She is so sleepy in the early morning hours that she feels like she's been drugged. Also, she feels like she has the flu a lot of the time. Naturally, all this has sunken her into depression, no big surprise there. Thank God for my dad. He is an angel. Like your dh, he sees what she goes through daily. He doesn't blame her, he only tries to help her & feels bad that she feels so awful. I'm sure your dh feels the same.
I hope you don't mind me asking but I noticed on your signature line that you have obstructive sleep apnea cured by a tonsillectomy... are you sure it's gone? Have you had another sleep test post-tonsillectomy to make sure? The reaon I ask is b/c I have worked in a Sleep Lab for the past 6 1/2 yrs & from what I've seen & read sleep apnea is rarely cured this way. Of course it is possible but only if your tonsils were abnormally large... & even then it may just reduce the severity. Most people need to use the CPAP machine to completely eliminate OSA. 75% of OSA is caused by excess weight (not sure if you are heavy?) but even with significant weight loss many people still use the machine for OSA to be eliminated completely. Just a thought, since one of the MAJOR effects of OSA is daytime sleepiness.
Like you said, you have other things like hypothyroidism going on (are you taking med for that?) so maybe OSA's not the problem. Whatever it is, I hope you don't stop seeking answers. No one should have to feel the way you do!! I can understand why you feel so bad about dh but I'm sure he can see you are trying your best. You sound like you are a loving & caring wife & you're doing all you can - no one can ask for more than that. Don't give up. Keep trying to get to the bottom of this, maybe you can ask your Dr for more tests, new meds, something might help eventually?
Good luck to you, email me if you want to talk or have any ?'s about OSA or CPAP treatment (pm doesn't usually work).

Bethany · 04-28-2003, 07:10 PM

Oops oh yeah... my email address is lisenior@hotmail.com

kittynurse · 04-28-2003, 11:48 PM

Hey Bethany!

Sounds like you're doing a little better now. I'm glad that you are able to get some counselling (and free too!) It's a huge emotional blow that we have all been dealt but society wants us to hide it away. Seems so unfair.
I know all about the failure feeling and the comparing to other people. My husband's business partner and his wife had an "oops" baby and it's making me crazy.

Take care

Martha

p.s. What sleep clinic do you work at and does one need a referral to go there? I have terrible sleeping patterns and I really think I need to do something about it.

shenacat · 04-28-2003, 11:54 PM

Elizabeth, yes I had a sleep study done post tonsillectomy. It came back showing barely any disease at all, roughly a 97% improvement, the doctor was very surprised and actually gave me the choice of possible treatments instead of trying to force me to continue using the cpap, which was not working for me after 5 months of trying. (I could not go to sleep with it on; on the slight occasions where I did using sleeping pills I would wake up later with the mask off, not knowing I'd taken it off in my sleep.) My tonsils were quite enlarged, and had been a problem since childhood. I just hadn't had quality medical care until after my marriage.

So I chose to focus on weight loss and treatment of my thyroid disease, because worsening thyroid disease worsens many things, including sleep apnea. It can cause everything from carpal tunnel to tinnitus, all things I suffer from depending on how well my TD is doing that day. I have lost 25 lbs already (although it took me a year) and that is about 1/5 my total goal, so it is a lot for me despite the freakish amount I have left. The problem is more that my TD is virtually uncontrollable because my thyroid is still alive, just functioning poorly and in spurts of overactivity. I don't know all the rules yet for treating it, because my needs change all the time. So some days I am doing well and some days I am not, and it can be as easy as having eaten the wrong food the day before, or forgetting to take my iron pill at lunch (I'm low iron as well).

My OSA was always pretty manageable just by making sure I never slept on my back (which I was not inclined to do anyhow). I didn't overtly snore unless I fell asleep with my head tipped back or got shoved into that position. The first sleep study I felt was skewed because the attendant only allowed me to attempt to sleep on my back, which had always been impossible for me. I originally went in for a sleep study because I was suffering from intense joint pain and restlessness at night which I thought may have been RLS, and I was suddenly having extremely vivid dreams which I would sink into practically as soon as I closed my eyes, which I could verify due to waking up frequently (as much as every ten minutes) and knowing I just had a dream. (REM sleep is supposed to occur every 90 minutes, not every 10.) My symptoms actually alleviated themselves once I found out I was in the middle of a severe episode of thyroiditis and began taking medication.

My exhaustion is more due to a low adrenal reserve, thyroid disease that is very reactive to hormone levels, and hormone levels that are very reactive to food intake (due to the insulin resistance). I can't swallow more than an ounce or two of caffeine or I have almost immediate diarrhea, now tell me THAT isn't absurd... more caffeine than that and tomorrow I am trashed like the worst hangover. I just have no tolerance to anything that treats my body badly, and I don't even know all the rules yet. If it weren't so ridiculous as to make me laugh, I'd have killed myself with sheer frustration by now.

The problem is that my poor DH has to deal with me having to deal with this. He imbibes in recreational drinking occasionally with a bottle of smirnoff or something, and expects me to join in, and when I won't (because I get very ill from it) he tells me "You're no fun". I know he is just joking but I know part of him means it... because of all the times I've told him NO do not buy that candy or PLEASE DO NOT MAKE THE CHEESECAKE because I know I won't be able to refuse a piece, and then I will feel too sick to go to work the next day. I seem to feel everything in the morning. :|

websissy · 04-29-2003, 06:52 PM

I understand your pain, but you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Do they know why you had the miscarriages? I had three last year before they did comprehensive testing and found that I have a blood clotting disorder that may have been the cause. I'm 10 weeks along now and taking heparin shots.

I never felt like I was a failure because that would be like giving up that we would never have a child. We had always said from the start of our infertility treatment journey that we would consider adoption if we couldn't have our own. We started our adoption plans in January and are now state certified and are waiting for our international approval. We are still planning to adopt even though we are now PG. We know that a child in our lives is what we want no matter what - of course I want this biological child to be born more than anything, however it won't change our desire to adopt.

Best wishes,