i can not deal with this :(

shaunsmom04 · 10-30-2009, 04:49 AM

i know no one wants to hear me whine. we all got things to deal with but i just need someone to listen and understand what im going through. i need support cause i feel like no one understands me. i had a miscarriage in 02 and a bfp in 03 which resulted in my blessing shaun. in 06 i had a bfp which resulted in jayson. r.i.p. nov. 10, 2006-may 26, 2007 he passed from sids.
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so 08 i was diagnosed with pcos. been ttc for over a year. no luck. am super depressed. all these health problems. anxiety over ttc and grieving over my son. everyone thinks i should be past it but i miss him everyday. especially now that its about to be his birthday. i been invited to four baby showers this year. i know i should be happy for them and i am but it breaks my heart. it just reminds me of my loss and that i cant seem to get preg. i keep praying for a baby. praying for healing of my heart and body. but it feels like no one cares. can anyone relate?

mahjab · 10-30-2009, 06:15 AM

I can't relate to your loss but my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry to hear that and I wish I could do something to help you. Have you gotten counseling? Sometimes that can help sort your feelings out. I'll pray for you.

Anonykat · 10-30-2009, 09:58 AM

Anyone who thinks you should just be "past" the death of your son is unbelievably insensitive. I have not been in your shoes, but I know people who have, and it seems like one never gets "past" it - they simply learn to live with it, but you never forget, and the hurt is always there. I am very sorry that the people in your life are not more supportive. Have you looked into going to some kind of grief support group in your area, to find people who would be able to relate to your pain? Something like this, perhaps?
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I'm sure if you post this on the "coping with pregnancy and infant loss" board here that you would find other suggestions, or just be able to chat with ladies who have been in your shoes.

I am very sorry for your loss and hope that you get your BFP soon.

shaunsmom04 · 10-30-2009, 10:37 AM

yes i have tried counseling and group support. nothing helps. i called my mom to vent. all she did was talk about my step sister who is twenty weeks pregnant and about her doc appointment and cravings. my mom in inconsiderate. i hate that my step sister got preggo and i cant. she is only 19 and just dropped out of high school. was arrested on drug charges a few months ago. has no job and baby daddy is a drug dealer. how come all the low lifes get preggo and we cant? we who want to bring our babies into a safe, loving, nuturing environment. oh and all the ones who abort or abuse and/or kill their kids. ugh makes me so upset. i wish they knew the pain i have to live through every day. maybe it would make them take less for granted.

shaunsmom04 · 10-30-2009, 11:07 AM

i feel like i can not relate to the ladies in pregnancy loss. i am not trying to make less of their immense pain. i know that kind of loss. my first pregnancy was a miscarriage. i know it hurts and then i felt like no one could hurt in the world as much as i did. but believe me. this hurts way more. i hope no one is offended that i said that. i know that they are equal in that we lost a child and i can not explain why losing jayson was more painful than a miscarriage. i guess because i had those 9 months in my tummy. but oh the joy of when you can smell them. hold them. kiss them. then to have tahe stolen from you. to feel like a failure because you could not stop it. because you could not recesitate your lifeless baby. to have to pick a coffin and say goodbye forever. in those 6months i had to watch him suffer from RSV... i had hope he would get better but the angels took him away when i least expected. and then to think you will possibly never feel the joy of cradling a baby in your arms again because of this relentless disease. its earth shattering. sorry this is so long.

xkwizit · 10-30-2009, 11:41 AM

Oh, my heart aches for you.
I'm sorry that not much else seems to help. And that does sound very inconsiderate of your mother.
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I've not experienced a miscarriage or a loss of a child - and cannot imagine how difficult either would be. But I would think they would be different.
Since counseling didn't seem to help much, is there any kind of forum online for women that have experienced what you have and are ttc again? Maybe that would help?
I'm so sorry, I don't really know what words to say to comfort you, but I hope you find what you need to help you heal.
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oh, and I could tell you countless stories about people in my family who had kids when they have no desire to be a mother now. It makes me so sad and upset to even think about it - I know how you feel on that one.
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mjrsmommy · 10-30-2009, 12:02 PM

It sounds like there is a lot of GUILT in your post. Like it is YOUR fault Jayson isn't here. It may be easier said than done, but I think that is what you need to get past, not his death. Guilt is a terrible thing to live with, especially when there is nothing to feel guilty about. God was ready for Jayson to be with HIM. SIDS is a terrible thing to experience (my friend lost her child at 1 year). She had to learn that she did nothing wrong. The experts have found no way to prevent SIDS, so why should you put the pressure on yourself to find the answer?

As for not getting pregnant, there are ways around that. I too have been trying for over a year. I know its painful, but you have to remember that you CAN carry a baby. You have done it - TWICE. Your body knows how. You just need help getting to that point. Have faith in your medical team, but also have faith in yourself. Its the positive attitude that helps.

Keep your head up, and maybe instead of trying to talk with your mom, maybe find a close friend that will listen. Sometimes, parents have blinders on - now that your Step Sister is pregnant, you mom is going to be a Grandma again, which is exciting for her. No matter how many times you tell her of your pain, she keeps thinking of the new baby. I don't know you or your mom, but I just have a feeling she isn't doing it on purpose, its just the excitement.

I am sorry for your loss, but I also am trying to stay positive for your future. I wish you the very best!!!

shaunsmom04 · 10-30-2009, 04:41 PM

my heart does go out to all who have lost a baby from miscarriage. especially those who have repeated ones i cant imagine thinking that i was finally going to get the baby i hoped for and then losing it. and i am blessed to have shaun. my 5 year old. i have gotten to experience motherhood as other ladies havent. i am praying for a bfp for all those ttc. it is hard for all of us to live with this diesease and all the anxiety that comes as a result and alot of us get disappointed with every bfn. we see babies and wish we were blessed too. alot of ache inside when we see a pregnant woman or hear a baby cry. it is our curse. for many of us a bfp is near. some it will take time. others it sadly never will come. but our blessing is each other. understannding and hope lie here. we have a bond is sisterhood. each with her own unique story. thank you for all te suport that i desperately need right now. and may the memory of all those we have loved and lost never be forgotten.
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mamalele · 10-30-2009, 10:57 PM

I just wanted to send you a huge hug and say that your story sounds incredibly tough. Hang in there and know that yes, your pain is unique but you are not alone. Hugs.

mae012204 · 10-31-2009, 12:36 AM

i cannot relate as well but i wanted to give u a big (((hug))) and im sor sorry for your loss. any loss is beyond difficult and i cannot imagine anyone even thinking or ever dare saying u should get over it! i wish u the best

kalliek · 10-31-2009, 12:43 AM

I know it may not feel helpful now, but I am sure your story will encourage others to be strong and get through tough times. Hopefully, you will find support and encouragement from everyone here. Good luck with TTC and thanks for sharing something that is so personal. You will get through this!!

shaunsmom04 · 11-02-2009, 10:27 AM

sorry. i been having trouble with this website. it logs me out for no reason. so annoying. anyway, i am still sad. we decided to throw jayson a birthday party. is that weird? i thought it would keep his memory alive and make the day go easier.