I can't understand.............

babygirl18905 · 11-07-2008, 11:38 PM

WHY if a social worker says they already have 30 family profiles for 1 child are they still accepting home studies for almost another 2 weeks!!!!!!! I just don't understand are they saying out of the 30 they say they have NOONE is qualified or competent enough to take and provide a safe, loving home for this child???????? I feel so anxious for a while I felt like it was going to be a match by the way the social worker was talking but my social worker asked me to find out if he needed an addendum to add to my homestudy and he never called back and now they have this little boy listed on another website

So I'm freaking out thinking he did not return my call because he reviewed my home study and we are nowhere near what they are looking for

I don't even know WHAT they are looking for, I feel so agitated and discoouraged right now. Has anyone else been through this???????

stark tjej · 11-09-2008, 06:41 PM

I'm sorry. I don't have experience with this, but maybe like other things in gov't it's a "the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing" sort of thing? HUGS and I hope they get back to your SW soon - and if not, maybe you can get your SW to try another contacting?

Stark

jordon23 · 12-07-2008, 09:41 PM

I know this is probably NOT what you want to but I am sharing anyway. We have been trying to adopt a child from foster care for almost two years. We have inquired about 50 or so kids and only twice have we ever heard a thing. The sad part is most of those kids are still waiting for a family. Many kids were from adopt us kids, and other photolistings, and a few were from our state system.

A few weeks ago we called about a little boy, and within an hour the posting had been changed, and they only wanted single women to inquire about the child. I had the one in my hand from before I called and it didn't say anything about that. Sometimes I don't think they want to place those children as bad as they say they do. Keep in mind that each child is a federal stipend to the state, so basically more $$ in the states pocket as long as they are in care (directly from a workers mouth).

I wish you better luck than we have had. We have tried for over two years to adopt from foster care, with NO LUCK at all. My dad gave us the most amazing Christmas gift ever this year, he paid our agency fees for our adoption. I hated to close the chapter on helping a child out of the system. I know I did everything in my power to help those children waiting for a family, and I am not the one that has to live with the guilt of making them suffer. Five of the little kids we called about in our state are still on the website sitting without a family for Christmas. We couldn't even get a worker to call us back.

kimmy-ki · 12-13-2008, 04:45 PM

Babygirl--How incredibly frustrating and stressful! Keep us posted on what happens--sending positive vibes your way that it works out for you.

Jordon--UNBELIEVABLE! That is an absolute disgrace. I don't understand how those five kids could still be sitting there when they didn't even reply to your requests. I agree that it does make one wonder about the government's true motivations-- it doesn't appear that there a a lack of loving homes in the US that want to open their doors to these kids. How agonizing and destructive for the children and how shameful for those in charge!

jordon23 · 12-13-2008, 09:19 PM

My wonderful husband sent me an article from a local newspsper that said our states DHHR is under investigation. Finally, they messed with someone that had enough pull to get something done. I guess they took an 11 month old baby girl from foster parents that had already filed the intent to adopt. She had been with them since birth, and instead of taking one of the children that had only been there a few weeks, they took the baby. Hummm... this sounds like out story. They said they wanted her to have a traditional family, and placed her with a high status family that wanted to adopt. Even though I don't support the same sex relationship stuff, I think that it was very wrond to move the child. The couple had adopted several children and taking her from them was wrong.

One of the little boys we called about a few weeks back, had a listing on the state web site. I called and about 30 minutes later my husband said "did you see where they want him to have a single mom". I had the listing that I printed in my hand, and I showed it to him. After we called they changed it. So we are gonna jump in on the investigation, and give our statement of what goes on, and has happened to us with foster care. I hope a few heads will roll for what they have/are putting foster children through in our state.

Our first boys were 18 and got kicked out of foster care the day they turned 18, because they wanted another placement. They were in care for 11 years, and were never allowed to be adopted. Their origional worker left the DHHR because she couldn't deal with what they were putting the kids through. She is also the one that told me that the federal money was why Many of the kids are never adopted. Once we get through our adoption I am going to really open up a can of worms for the state, and I hope they get everything they deserve.....

kimmy-ki · 12-14-2008, 09:32 PM

Jordon, I really do hope you do something legally if that is possible. If you do, you would be helping numerous children who are being held captive as a result of this situation. Do you mind if I ask which state you live in? (You can PM if you prefer.) I have a few friends who are lawyers and reporters in the US and who might be able to help... However, it would also help if we could find other cysters who have had a similar experience--obviously, the more evidence, the better. Anyone else have stories to share?

MailLady · 12-14-2008, 11:47 PM

Samantha... I'm sorry you are going through this. There could be many reasons why you have not been picked yet. DH and I live in Canada where things could be a bit different. When we did our home study, we had to fill out paper upon paper of qualifications we wanted in a child. They asked question upon question and some overlapped eachother so you had to be careful in what you chose. What ethnic background would you accept. Would u accept a child with FAS, would you accept a child whose, mom drank? or her family had a history of drinking?? how about the birth father? what if he drank?? how about his family?? Frick the list went on. The birth parent also gets to choose who they want to be their baby's parents so if you r not what they r looking for, then you have no hope. many reasons could be why they didn't pick you. We sat and sat for 5 yrs b4 we got a call that we were finally chosen to be adoptive parents. Nov. 22nd 06 somewhere in there.. We drove down to meet the mom, and she even wanted me in the birthing room. Our adoptive DD was born on Nov. 29th 06. The law states you have a 30 waiting period that the mom has to change her mind. Our waiting period didn't start until a month after Emma was born. this was due to the mom not knowing the birth father so we had to wait for the Social Service lawyers to go to court and get the Judge to sign over paternity of the baby. So our waiting period started on Dec. 29th. We brought the baby home on Jan. 2nd (she had been in a foster home up until this point) and on jan. 15th 07 the birth mom changed her mind. I have not seen her since. I mourned for her for about 6 months, then I just woke up!!! I got my life in order and got pregnant on my own in April of this yr. My due date is Jan. 15th. 2 yrs to the day we lost Emma.

Things happen for a reason (it took me a long time to understand this) so please, hang in there, you could find yourself in my shoes and get pregnant on your own. DH and I have been trying for 12 yrs to start a family and with dedication and commitment, I got pregnant on met alone. I am a big cyster but I lost 55lbs in 4 months and got my period back... Had an HSG done b/c I wasn't getting pregnant and within 2 weeks of having the procedure done, i was pregnant

babygirl18905 · 12-15-2008, 02:20 AM

Kimmy~ Thanks for the positive thoughts but I am sure we will not be chosen we could not justify spending $800.00 for a maybe you might get matched situation and our homestudy expires in January so I guess the adoption option for me is over for awhile

Jordan~I'm glad your dad gave you the money to help with your adoption, I brought my little boy home @ 8 days old and could not be happier with that choice. The little boy I was looking @ adopting was 8 months older than Matthew so I felt it would be great for them to grow up having each other, being so close in age and actually physically resembled each other. I enquired about MANY children from the state website was told they have been matched but the pics are still online saying they are available when I call back and ask why they say because the person in charge of updating the system does not always getting around to doing it. There was this one little boy I was interested in called several times and always got the same response he was already matched but his picture remained for almost a year before they removed it!

Megan~ Congrats on your little girl

and THANK YOU for those encouraging words. I keep telling myself that same thing everything happens for a reason. I have NEVER gotten AF without provera (I'm almost 30) and over the past few months there has been signs of my body trying to regulate itself (spotting every few weeks for the past few months) so hopefully God will bless me with my own biological baby one day if not we will just have to accept that God has given us what he has chosen to and be grateful we have a HAPPY, HEALTHY, VERY ACTIVE little boy

Thanks again I feel alot better hearing your story and sorry about the birthmother changing her mind you sound like you would have been an excellent mom for the baby.

kimmy-ki · 12-16-2008, 08:19 PM

MailLady--Your story is incredibly painful and happy all at the same time! I cannot believe that the birth mom of your adopted child had so much time by law to change her mind. That must have been living hell and of course, the fact they took Emma from your arms is just horrifying. I do not think that law is in the best interest of the baby, the BM or the adoptive parents! NO WAY! Here in Mexico BMs only have 48 hours after the birth to change their minds. I think it is better because the baby staying in foster care for a month and then changing hands twice is so wrong!

I am very happy that your story took a turn for the better! You are an inspiration. Congratulations on the upcoming birth of your daughter!!!!

I suppose there are all sorts of reasons why things happen the way they do. I have perfect cycles, my hormonal levels look fine despite being nearly 40 but I simply cannot get PG. I only got pregnant once (after a failed in-vitro cycle, so I think my hormones were pumped up) but it ended in early miscarriage. For nearly five years, I have tried everything from fertility treatments to herbs to not eating sugar and doing acupuncture, but it seems like my eggs are just not good because they don´t stick. Anyway, now that we are in the adoption process I feel so certain that in my case there is a reason that it´s not working out... I just feel like my adopted kid(s) are out there waiting for me. We'll see what happens (my story has not ended yet)--but I do agree that whatever happens does so for a reason!!!!

MailLady · 12-16-2008, 09:51 PM

Kimmy, I wish u ALL the best of luck in your adoption journey. I wish the process was 48 hours for the mom to change her mind here too. We would still have Emma. I always thought that we were brought to Emma to help her. Her mom just needed time... That's how I truly felt after I thought about it when she was taken. NOW, when I think about it 2 yrs later, Emma was brought to help us out. I am truly thankful for her. I remember the day so well. Social Services called at 4:10 and I didn't even say hello, I just said, "she changed her mind, didn't she" all the worker could do was say yes. They had to travel 40 mins to get to us, so they were at the house in an hour, and within 30-45 mins she was gone. The day started out so well, thru the night was when I noticed her 1st real smile...I'm so glad I got to experience that... My only advice to people who r in the adoption process, go in with an open, but closed heart. Do NOT get your hopes up until your time limit for the BM to change her mind has come and gone. I always knew she was going to change her mind, I just didn't prepare myself for it. After we lost her, I just couldn't get back into the whole adoption process. I couldn't handle another let down, so when I got my BFP, I took our names off of the waiting list. I didn't want to have our name in there taking space up while there r so many families out there that want a child. The Social worker wasn't too too happy that we took our names out, but we figured, hey, we can get pregnant. Sure we could have lost the baby, but we always knew, it could happen again. best decision I ever made was taking our names out. Now I am about to have a baby in 29 DAYS!!! a bit freaked but so ready to start a new journey...

kimmy-ki · 12-17-2008, 02:08 AM

Maillady-- Just a phone call and good-bye forever... unbelievable. That's really amazing that you were able to look at your failed adoption journey as a way of helping Emma by giving her mother the time she needed. That is a very big-hearted way to look at an extremely painful situation. I think it´s difficult to know how much time is fair for the baby, for the BM and for the adoptive parents. So much heartbreak potential all the way around, isn´t there? I just don´t know what the right answer is... but I have to say the 48-hour limit here definitely favors the adoptive parents over the BM. I don´t know if that is bad or good--these situations are so complicated in every way.

Keep me posted on the birth of your little girl! Hooray! Your journey is such a miracle... I am really thrilled for you after all you and DH went through.

We are looking seriously into adopting siblings-- so a 95% chance that we will be dealing with children who have been abused or abandoned. In our case, we won´t have to worry about the parents coming back or something like that, but rather, probably for the safety and mental well-being of the children and all the challenges that come with not having had favorable conditions to start with. Those kids whose mothers should have given them up for adoption from the beginning but didn´t! Anyway, I´ll keep you posted as well. It´s so cool to find out about other people´s journey´s to motherhood... infertility definitely makes the journey more interesting to be sure!