i cried for my babies today...

kwannabee · 10-26-2004, 09:30 PM

I had a terrible terrible day...and driving home i just wailed. sometimes i just shout to God

"i want my babies back!!!"

I just really wish my life had turned out differently...i still daydream about them...

i just cant cry anymore today....i just cant keep going sometimes. I wanted a glass of wine tonight (a couple actually)...i dont even drink

i knew you would all understand...

tonyarn · 10-26-2004, 09:49 PM

I'm sorry you are having a hard day today...I wonder if it could be the weather, I've been down all day today too. I understand completely how you are feeling. I just want to send you some ((hugs)).

Amy_53405 · 10-26-2004, 10:42 PM

I am sorry you have felt so down today. Most days i'm fine about either not being pregnant, or having a m/c, but some days I am so angry at God also for letting it happen to me that I either wanna scream at everyone, or crawl in a hole and wake up in a few years.

On those days I have to remember that there is a plan for everything (even if the plan makes no sense to me) and that life has many beautiful things in it, even though many sad things happen for no reason that we can see.

You will probably always grieve for what you have lost as I think all of us will who have experienced the loss of a child, whether at a few weeks pregnant or very pregnant. Especially when you have tried so hard and so long to be a mom.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Just try to remember that the hopeless feelings won't last forever. Sometimes you just need a good cry.

Rasburry · 10-26-2004, 11:20 PM

I won't pretend to know about your loss or your anguish. As a Mom, I can imagine the pain. My heart goes out to you on these days when you're feeling down and hope that you find comfort in something positive and good.

SheriKCMO · 10-27-2004, 03:27 AM

Hang in there Girlfriend! I know this really sucks and that grief really has its ups and downs, and that's what we're here for. I'm glad you let it out. I can't believe such terrible things happen. Somehow we just have to cope with it. You are strong, and you are going to have another chance very soon to fill those loving arms. The twins would want that for you. I'm sure they love their mommy.
I hope tomorrow is a lot easier,
Sheri

VivC · 10-31-2004, 09:43 PM

Oh, girl, I know that feeling all too well!

I've been so down for the past week that everyone's worried about me. I can't eat, I want to sleep around the clock because then I'll dream about Rivi, alive. I have to force myself to do anything at all, and I don't drink either, but I've been fantasizing about hitting the nearest bar and drinking myself into oblivion.

And I am so angry with God! DH has turned to our church lately, while I just want to turn my back on God - he turned his back on us, after all. I KNOW He was in that NICU, but He didn't save Rivi, even after everything we'd gone through to get him here. DH, and the people at church, say we didn't have enough faith in God, that He couldn't save Rivi because we didn't believe He could. So God couldn't save Rivi for Rivi's sake? Were any of those people there during every pregnancy crisis when I prayed, and prayed, and prayed? I'd say that I did believe enough, and God just didn't do anything.

Sorry - I think I just hijacked your thread!

It's so frustrating to know that it all could have been so different, if only ... I don't know when it will get easier for either of us, but I know it will. There are so many other women on these boards who made it through this! So, someday, we'll be okay with it, at least okay enough to make it through.

PJC · 10-31-2004, 11:48 PM

Kim, sorry you're having such a bad day. I know it helps to cry, even if it's alot! It's a much needed release of the tension and stress that come from grieving (speaking from my own experience, anyway). Hang in there.......I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Viv, if you don't mind me saying this, I can't believe the people at your church told you that your baby died because you didn't have enough faith in God. That was a bit insensitive in light of what has happened to your family. I have to say that I agree with Amy about there being some sort of a big plan, even when it is completely beyond our understanding. Maybe it wasn't that God wasn't listening to you, but that Rivi was taken to do something extaordinary somewhere else.

I'm not a deeply religious person, but I do believe this and it helps me to get through the loss, to know that my child wasn't born for absolutely no reason at all, but for some really great purpose.

I hope you have more good days than bad ones. For a start, have a good tomorrow!

And please don't any of you start drinking!!! I think we all have enough problems around here!!

DiamondInTheRough · 10-31-2004, 11:56 PM

Dear Kwannabee,

As a person who has also suffered loss of this nature, my heart feels for you.

I, too, insist that you insist!! I don't get how Doctors can expect us to wait until loss after loss before they clue in about the cerclage. Are you informed about your options with cerclage? There are a few different options, and methods, not to mention times they can be placed (pre or post conception).

If you have any questions, please just ask. I don't know everything, but because I too require a cerclage next time around, I've been reading about it in detail lately.

I know what it is like to deal with these pains, over and over, each time you think they have subsided, they come back ten-fold. But what comforts me, and this is based on personal belief, is that my angel is in Heaven, with God, pain-free, alive, and joyfull in the playground of forever. So while we grieve, they do not grieve, while we suffer, they do not suffer, while we cry - they laugh, and they flourish under God's light.

I wish you God's Peace.

Sincerely,

Your Cyster -Diamond

DiamondInTheRough · 11-01-2004, 12:11 AM

Dear Viv,

I am very sorry for your loss. When I was admitted to the hospital at risk of ptl, they gave me a tour of the nicu, and my heart just bled.

I am so sorry that you feel the way you do about God. I understand how you feel though, and I know how easy it is to fall into that state. You see people around you who don't seem to have a lick of faith about them, yet they seem to be blessed, over and over. And then you turn to yourself, with an undying faith, yet you are tested over and over. My only way of understanding this is that God wouldn't test me if He didn't have any hope for me. If I was so lost that I had no chance for His Mercy, I doubt He would waste any miracles on me. I'm not saying that people with seemingly 'easy' lives are headed for nowhere. Obviously, this too is a test for people, to see how humble and pious they will live their lives, even with things coming easy to them.

I don't claim to have all the answers, but what I do know is it wasn't until I suffered loss that I realized how true my need for God was. During my initial mourning period, I was up in the middle of the night, and was overwhelmed by my love for God - not His love for me - but mine for Him. It's funny, because a lot of people talk about how God loves them, but in my case, I knew that I loved God. From that day on, things didn't get easier, I was still tested, I still am tested, and I have days when I too want to turn away, but in the grand scheme of things, I know that after all is said and done, that God is the only true constant in my life, and thus the one I can truly devout myself to.

I hope I haven't offended you, I'm not too sure about the rules of religious talk on this site, but from what I've been reading, it seems pretty open. This is all I have to offer you on how I get through it all.

Wishing God's peace on you.

Sincerely,

Your Cyster - Diamond

SheriKCMO · 11-01-2004, 02:40 AM

Diamond,
I think this forum in particular sees a wide variety of talk on the religion topic because we are grieving. It's okay to open up, especially when the other person has brought it up. I myself am not comforted at all with this type of talk because it's just not my thing. It helps many people, though, and as long as it's not stepping on toes, then I think they probably appreciate at least the sentiment.

I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm pretty sure that I haven't heard your story. I'm sure many of us would like it if you share about your little one(s). [I'm sorry if I'm just forgetting.]

Everyone,
I hope you are all feeling better days coming along. The good days start outnumbering the bad ones eventually, but this is hard work. Our babies' lives had and have meaning, no matter what we believe, and they have changed us forever.
((Hugs))
Sheri

DiamondInTheRough · 11-01-2004, 04:32 PM

Hi Sheri,

Thanks for your honest reply. May I ask what it is that comforts you?

I didn't post my story in detail. I had a loss at 18 weeks. A little boy. I had many troublesome episodes throughout the whole pregnancy. I was in the ER the day before the loss, and they told me everything was fine, they'd done a physical exam, and an ultrasound. Less then 24 hours later, my water broke at home. I could feel the baby's leg sticking out of me. At the time, I was so relieved it wasn't blood, that I couldn't admitt to myself that water was worse, water was worse. So once I got to the hospital, all was inevitable. I had to deliver on my own, which was so utterly shocking and terrifying to me. I couldn't understand why they couldn't just put me under, and do what they had to do. So after I delivered him, they put me on drugs to bring on labour anyway, because the placenta had not yet come. I can't tell you how painful labour pains are when you have already given birth to your child.

Anyway, after I'd lost enough blood for them to clue in, I was rushed into surgery, where I needed 4 blood transfusions just to stay alive. I had a reaction to the blood and my body turned into one huge hive, hardly recognizable to my family, much less myself.
A few days later, I was allowed to go home.

So that is my story.

Sincerely,

Your Cyster -Diamond

SheriKCMO · 11-01-2004, 09:55 PM

Diamond,
Your story is very heart-wrenching. I'm sorry that the whole thing was such a bad physical ordeal, on top of your terrible loss.

To answer your question, I think time is the only thing that brings back hope, and along with the love of all the people around me, time also gives me comfort as the excruciating pain is slightly diminished little by little. Knowing that I am not alone helps a lot, and I go to a support group along with talking to the gals around here. Logic tells me that I can conceive again, and I have. Logic tells me that I can have hope for a joyful life with a new baby, and I do. Hearing other people's stories, many being fifty year old stories, I know that I will always love my daughter and never forget her. This is a comfort, that it is okay to hold on to the little girl I love so much. I'm glad you asked this, because it's actually good to get this out in words. My favorite way to remember Mary Catherine is when my husband and I hug and our hearts are together... It was our love for each other that created her, and as long as we can put our hearts together, she is there with us.

Love to all of our babies,
Sheri

DiamondInTheRough · 11-02-2004, 12:15 AM

Dear Sheri,

You know, your definition of comfort doesn't sound all that foreign to me. I think I feel much the way you do about time as well. Life is so multifaceted, we all grieve differently at the surface, but it is no wonder to me that when we dig a little deeper, we really aren't that different at all.

Actually, what is ironic is that there is a saying in my faith which came to mind when I read your post. It's about the way some people inveigh against the hardship of Time. And God in turn says that He is Time, and in His hand He holds the night and the day. That's always been a strong one for me, because everything really does run around time, doesn't it.

Anyway, that was just some food for thought. Thank you very much for exploring within yourself to share this with me, I am so amazed at the parallel. I don't think I said it, but I am very sorry for your loss as well. I know you will never forget your daughter, it almost seems futile to even say it.

Time to give the little guy a bath and send him off to dream-land. Take care of yourself and those around you.

Sincerely,

Your Cyster -Diamond

AvivaElona · 11-02-2004, 02:34 AM

Just hugs for everyone.

((((((((mommies and angels))))))))

Aviva

kwannabee · 11-02-2004, 09:08 PM

Diamond i just want to give you a big big hug. I read what you said about God and i so so soooooooo related....and you know i was so mad at Him too. I was lying in labor and delivery knowing that with every movement i prevented or every panicked thought i pushed out of my mind, sooner or later i was going to lose my girls, and i kept thinking of footsteps...the poem where you have footsteps in the sand...one set yours one set Gods....but at every terrible time in your life you are walking alone...abandoned....only your own footsteps in the sand

Then you find out later that you werent alone...it wasnt MY footsteps in the sand...they were His...He was carrying me.......

I remember saying to Him in my mind...."hold their hands....just hold their hands for me...

whew...i'm back....

....Sheri actually said something to me along time ago that i'll never forget...her little Mary Catherine had a loving grampa who said "sometimes God makes something so precious He decides to keep it"

it just made me feel so proud of them...and soon i started to think about trying again. I'll never ever be able to explain to anyone the pain and desolation of those months...you all know...but my family, my friends, even doctors...they dont know. There are no words.

The sun will shine again...at some point the sound of babies laughing in a room wont rip your heart out and make you bleed fresh tears in a crowd of strangers...eventually...some days are harder then others...some days you just go back right to the beginning as if no time has passed and its as if you lost them all over again...i guess thats why i started this post....anyway...

I took my first injection today...i'm trying to have another...i'll never replace my girls...ever...but i have hope again. I think that was my biggest hurdle. My heart and hugs go out to all of you...and again thanks for just being here...